Shrouded in Darkness: Yuthura Ban's Tale
by Darth Yuthura
Summary: As the siege of RS-159 endures, an attack breaks out. Belaya is severely wounded and only Yuthura can save her. Only the former Sith lacks the medical training to treat her wounds and cannot reach a medical facility. Belaya's life hangs in the balance.
1. My Chains Are Broken

I had trouble remembering the last time my life ever felt 'normal.' No matter where I ended up, there was always some conflict or event that seemed to take higher priority than if I were just allowed a chance to passively enjoy the experience of living. The other problem was when you believed yourself on the verge of completing one of your life's goals, only to move on to the next. No time to savor your last victory, because you're too busy dealing with the next conflict.

I guess that was for the best. If I were satisfied with such a miserable life as a lowly slave on Sleheyron, I wouldn't have been where I was then. The second head master of the Sith Academy was a position that held only a fair amount of authority, not to mention a lot of work; but it was only one step away from a much more tempting position. All that was required was to eliminate the head master, Uthar. Of course, it was a task easier said than done.

And it was probably at that moment when I realized what Uthar had planned that I might have made a fatal mistake. It was then that Uthar sought to turn my ally against me, taking the first move against me. "The final test for you is to execute one who is familiar to you, for no other reason than to prove your superiority. Without mercy." As Uthar turned his gaze upon me, I knew from his smugness that he was going to take a sadistic pleasure of some kind at my expense. That was an understatement. "I couldn't help noticing how close you both have become over these last several days. Let me give you some advice, Alex Trevelyan... friends are a weakness, especially when it comes to Yuthura. If you wish to become a Sith, then you will kill her."

"What? This is what you had planned all along? To have me killed?"

"Indeed. You may be most exciting in bed, Yuthura Ban; but I've had my fill of you. As a Sith, you've proved most disappointing. It's time for you to die and for someone more... talented to take your place." He gestured to Alex Trevelyan, across the chamber.

Maybe I let my pride get in the way, but it wasn't like I could do anymore than hope he wouldn't fall for Uthar's offer. I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "No, it is time for you to die, Master. My pupil stands with me."

He didn't seem surprised, nor really concerned as he asked him "Oh? Is this true, young one? Did you actually fall for helping her in such a foolish scheme? I know you're better than that."

Trevelyan answered in a way I had not expected. "You're right, I am." And he turned his attention to me. "I stand by my friends."

I had no idea why, but those words pierced my heart almost as painfully as if he had told Uthar that he would gut me. He meant exactly what he said, and he did consider me a friend. What the hell kind of Sith was he?

Uthar wasn't ready to give up just yet. "Your loyalty is admirable, if only it weren't so misplaced. I urge you to consider what you do here. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by one as weak as Yuthura. Get rid of her!"

In all that time, I could not dare speak. Maybe I felt that I had lied enough to Trevelyan as it was. It just seemed wrong that he didn't know what I had planned for him after Uthar was dead. If he did, then he wouldn't have called me a friend.

Trevelyan answered. "She's not manipulating me. This is my choice to make."

Uthar scoffed and then withdrew his saber staff. "Typical. All the power of the Force within his grasp and man still can't resist the fairer sex." He deployed the blades of energy from his lightsaber. "Not that it matters. Neither of you are the equal to a Sith master. That will be your final lesson!"

And so it began.

[CENTER]*****[/CENER]

Uthar lunged himself directly at me, twirling his saber almost with great finesse. Although he had the strength to overwhelm me with an overpowering blow, he wanted to finish me off quickly with a flurry of diagonal fan attacks. Deflecting any one would have been easy, but challenging the sheer speed and grace of a saberstaff in the right hands would have been suicidal for anyone.

I found myself boxed into a corner and the only escape was to make a desperate leap over my master, which was a dangerous move. Once anyone was in the air, where they would go was only a matter of ballistics. Anticipating my move, Uthar gripped his saber and got into a ready stance to strike. And although he knew what my next move would be, Uthar didn't quite predict that I would leap back and use the wall behind me to spring myself so far over his head.

I had yet to ready my lightsaber, which I only deployed in mid-air to parry his leaping lance attack. That attack never came, as Uthar had two opponents to deal with. Trevelyan had distracted Uthar long enough with a lightsaber throw that I could get away. After landing on the floor, rolling back to my feet, I twisted myself around just in time to see Trevelyan advance on Uthar. The floating lightsaber returning to his possession, my friend positioned himself between Uthar and myself.

As my master slowly repositioned himself for another attack, I noticed the way his eyes shifted upwards. Without having to give it a second thought, I realized that he intended to bring down a statue which sat behind us. We both used the Force to push the other clear of the path of the falling statue, almost at the exact moment as the other. That was what I found most strange, as we both knew it was coming and could have both backed away. Instead, we both knocked the other off their feet.

Again, Uthar went for me first. The statue had separated me from my ally, so I had to face him alone for at least a few seconds. This time, Uthar came at me with all the strength and ruthlessness he could unleash. My own strength far inferior to his, I resorted to an all-defensive fighting style with the intent to outlast my superior opponent. He wanted me to try and fight him with raw force, but I instead carefully deflected his blows away, even dodging some. His form was so inefficient that I used less than half his energy to fend him off.

As Trevelyan joined the fight again, Uthar soon realized that I wouldn't take an offensive form against him. He then turned his focus almost entirely on Trevelyan, knowing that I would simply hold my ground until the fight was over. When a break in the fight came, Uthar still sought to convince him to leave me to my fate. "You know that she's only using you? You were quick enough to destroy Lashow when she had served her purpose; this one's no different."

I wished that I could hide my emotions better, but I really couldn't deny any of what Uthar had said. Whatever lies or truths I've hidden from him... I didn't want to think about that. Trevelyan took that moment to study me again, probably seeing that frightened little girl I once was instead of the cold and vile creature I had become. I had to admit I was convinced that he saw me for what I was. But there was no resentment in his eyes, no doubt, and something else I couldn't quite describe.

He then looked back to Uthar. "I see much more than that. I won't abandon her."

The way he said those words... it was quite odd. Unfortunately I didn't have time to think, as Uthar sought to end this once and for all. Shouting with a ferocity almost as intense as the lightsaber form he used, Uthar lashed out at us one more time. Trevelyan got between us and retaliated with a form almost as perfect as that of my master's, which ultimately stalemated the other. The clashing of their weapons was so loud that I almost needed to cover my ears, but then realized he needed me to tip the balance in his favor.

With the ferocity form, also known as Juyo, Uthar left himself dangerously open to a Force attack. Even the slightest disruption I could cause would have been enough to break both his concentration and his form, but I chose something much more direct. With a burst of Force lightning, Uthar's lightning-fast flurries ceased with his lighsaber being cut in two. With the electricity flowing through his body, Uthar's muscles tensed until he could not move. Trevelyan took out the red-bladed lightsaber that signified his position as a full Sith and held it at Uthar's chest. "No mercy."

And that so ended the fight. I almost marveled at how dramatic an ending it was, with that final moment right before the victor had the enemy beaten. With just enough time at the end, Uthar knew he was defeated long enough to know he was wrong to stand against us in the first place. That was exactly the kind of thing any Sith would have wanted... only I had envisioned me being the one to do it. I also pictured him dying right there. Trevelyan let a mortally-wounded Uthar fall to the ground, and allowed me to do what I wanted with him.

I knew that Uthar was not the kind who would fall easily, and I expected him to fight to his dying breath. What I didn't expect was that he would use even those last breaths to tell me exactly how much he despised me. As he lay on the floor with a hole in his chest, I took that moment and savored it for all I could. He said I would always be second to him, but I proved him wrong. Kneeling before my dying master, I whispered to him. "Congratulations, Master. Your apprentice has surpassed you. And your death has been too long delayed."

Uthar frowned at me with such scorn, and then spat in my face. "You are despicable, Yuthura Ban. You're weak..." He choked on his own blood as he tried to speak his dying words, but then used even that to his advantage. Spitting a huge blotch of blood at my ally's feet, Uthar cursed at me some more. "If you were, you wouldn't have needed him to kill me."

I knew he was right, but I really didn't care. I was fine knowing that I was inferior to my master at the time I betrayed him; and that I didn't deserve the title I had taken. Wiping away his saliva from my face, I probably turned my head to address both who were in the room. "I can live with that."

Scoffing, Uthar muttered his disappointment. "Sure, you can live with just about everything. Miserable little tramp!" Finally lifting his head to address Trevelyan in the face, Uthar cursed him. "And you, in helping her with this foolish scheme... never turn your back on her. She's a traitorous slut! She's weak... if there's one thing you can trust her to do is to betray you. Kill her before..."

And so with his dying breath, he knew how to hurt me. It was probably for that reason that I didn't shout back at him, as all he spoke of was true. And I hated myself for it. I hated what I've become.

But why did I have reason for disappointment? Everything had gone according to plan. I had become the new headmaster of the Sith Academy, yet I could not enjoy what I had just taken. The one who allied himself with me to defeat Uthar remained a threat. I had no choice but to eliminate him while he did not expect it.

Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about all he spoke of earlier in the academy. If I were to overcome my compassion, would I still have had any concern for the slaves I vowed to free when I first came to this place? Did I really want to kill my friend? Although I had no desire to fight him, I knew I had even less desire to be controlled through fear again. I knew what had to be done.

I made an effort not to look into his eyes, as he had this look about him that I hated. It was the kind of look that seemed to make you want to kill yourself. I had hoped that look might have gone away after he had some real power of his own, but those eyes still gazed upon me as if to silently ask whether what Uthar told him was true. Or was it concern that made him look at me in such a way? Concern that I'd betray him? Or was it concern that I wasn't who I made myself out to be?

Almost pitifully, I declared "Uthar is dead, and a new leader rises to replace him. I'm proud of you. You followed the Sith code very well."

"A code that always ends with betrayal and death?" he asked.

Why did that have to be so difficult for me? Why could I not just have brought myself to just kill him? Could it have been that that man genuinely cared about my life? Only a fool would have killed an ally, but friends among the Sith? Could he have just been using me as I used my twi'lek charm to rise above the ranks? There were too many possibilities. I was overwhelmed by all these unanswered questions. I felt I had no choice but to follow my original plan. I could not hesitate to act, but what I intended to do went against everything that I wanted to do.

I wanted so much to explain my reasons to him, but I knew nothing could have justified what I intended to do... and if I were to betray him, anything I said would have been irrelevant, in any event. But talking at least allowed me to delay the inevitable. "That is the way of the Sith. When one's power surpasses another, the weaker must yield... and I'm afraid that it won't be long before you surpass me as well. I... I can't allow that." Holding my hands together as if to express my remorse as genuinely as possible, I told him the truth at long last about how terrible a person I really was. "I'm sorry. I do truly consider you my friend and I hate myself for doing this, but... I told you there cannot be friends among the Sith. I'm sorry."

I had not known why I warned him of my deceit like that. It would have been most prudent to just attack without warning, but I think I was only trying to convince myself to act. I knew in my heart that I didn't want him to think I was a monster. He at least deserved an explanation.

"Are you sure there is no other way? Are you willing to throw away everything that once mattered to you in a blaze of hatred?"

"I... there is no other way. I should have kept you an arm's length away; for both our sakes. Let's... let's just get this over with."

I engaged my lightsaber as did he. I took a defensive stance and waited for him to make the first strike, but he showed no indication that he was going to fight. He was standing straight up with his lightsaber at his side waiting for me to attack. He appeared saddened by my deceit; he must have truly cared for me. I had already made my challenge; if I went back on it now, I show a weakness that would be exploited. It was my hope that he would at least make the first strike.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally acted. I swung with what usually was a powerful broadside strike, but it was easily deflected. I felt no anger towards him and could not bring myself to feel anything but... remorse and guilt. Why did I feel such emotions? Whatever the reason, I realized I was going to die. I had so much adrenaline channeling through my body that I could not feel anything. For the first time in years, I was terrorized beyond reason. All I wanted to do was to surrender to him, but I knew it was too late. I had already committed myself and I knew I could not win. I would not receive mercy either, so I had to fight and die.

I forced a second swing that didn't even hit his blade. In that moment, I was almost ready to accept death, but against all reason, I kept struggling for life. As I tried to strike again, I was thrown back by a force wave and lost my lightsaber after hitting a wall.

The pain was intense; I realized that I did not want to win this battle. I hated myself for defying everything I believed in and couldn't bring myself to kill my friend. I knew that he was superior to me and deserved this victory. I also knew that I deserved death, but I was too much of a coward to accept it. I became desperate and wailed out, "Please, stop! I yield! You are superior to me. Please... I know I don't deserve it, but please... don't do this. I beg you... I beg you."

I knew that by speaking such words, I would only suffer a great indignity before death, but at that moment, nothing seemed to matter. I knew death was going to take me whether I accepted it or not... and since having suffered greater embarrassments already, such indignities did not concern me anymore.

I was on my hands and knees with my face pressed against the floor. I was practically bowing to him as I had when I was a slave. I knew that I could still stand and fight if I chose, but I would have rather died than suffer this bedlam any longer. I just wanted everything to stop, but my life endured. A long moment passed as I laid on the floor with all the tears I have held back for four years being shed in a moment. Why have I not been struck down? Was he tormenting me?

I finally got an answer: the gentle touch of an open hand on my left shoulder. It was so gentle, yet it startled me more than a killing blow. The last time I felt such a touch was when I was found on a barren world almost a decade ago. It had been so long... I had forgotten the feeling. It was like I had been given the most complete answer that could be received. It gave me some peace... some serenity.

Then he said something that shattered that: "Would a true sith ask for mercy?"

He had just hurt me worse than any killing strike ever could. He was going to torment me before the end. All the terror and pain surged through me as I felt betrayed by his gentle touch. His words were so painful that I shrieked, "Please don't torment me! If you're going to kill me, just do it!"

He lowered himself to the floor and spoke softy, "If you ask for mercy, you have it. I would never kill a defenseless opponent. But... I must know; would a true sith ask for mercy?"

Again, I began feeling relief, but was still fearful of what would happen next. Somehow, I knew that his words were genuine. I asked "Why do you spare me? A true sith would not hesitate to strike me down; especially after what I've done." I raised my head to look him in the eyes. "You're not a sith, are you? Or a much greater one than I."

He shook his head.

After a long moment of silence, I asked "So what happens now? I never imagined anyone would show mercy to a sith."

"Yuthura, I don't think you ever wanted to become a sith, did you? Why did you leave the jedi and come here? Please tell me."

I lowered my head again, more tears streamed down my cheeks. I then looked right into his eyes and told him as honestly as I could, "Those slaves... I wanted to free them. That's all this was ever about. I was seeking a means to fight injustice... to turn fear against those who prey on those who couldn't defend themselves. The chains from the sith code: to me, they have always represented what bound sentient beings and took away their freedom. I wanted to break those chains. The jedi... they wouldn't help me."

"What? Why wouldn't they?" He asked.

"They claimed that my feelings ran too deep... that I had to purge myself of all my anger and hate before I could help others. But if my... passion to free others were gone, would I have still cared about those slaves? I felt that I couldn't let go of those feeling because they would always be a part of who I was. I think... I was afraid of losing myself.

"The jedi claimed the dark side was evil, but it isn't so. Sometimes anger and hate are so deserved and right. It was because of anger that I escaped Sleheyron. When I refused to let go of those feelings, the jedi restrained me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Why did you join the sith?"

"I wanted to use the force so I could fight as I was meant to. The jedi wouldn't teach me, so there were only the sith. I felt that I was unimportant if I could make a difference to so many others. I hated the life I had chosen, but I wanted so much to fight slavery that I was willing to do anything to end it.

"As the months passed, I began thinking about them less and less. It wasn't until... you that I remembered why I first came here. You were right: all the things I wanted to do, all the wrongs I wanted to right... I haven't done any of it. They just get farther and farther from my mind. This isn't what I wanted to happen. I left the Jedi so that my resolve to fight slavery would be preserved. Instead, I used it to justify anything I did. " I dropped my head in shame. "This isn't the person I wanted to become."

Trevelyan moved his head closer to mine and whispered to me. "It's not too late for you to change that. If you don't want to be a sith, then you should leave this place. You may not be able to change what has already been done, but you can change what is yet to happen. What you have forgotten... you can remember again. Those slaves still need help and you can still provide it. It's not too late... it may even help you to find some peace."

"Peace?" I don't remember the last time I felt such a thing. Ever since I joined the sith, I have never had to silence my emotions. My anger and hate have destroyed what little peace I have ever known. I have not felt as trapped on Sleheyron as I have on Koriban. Yet despite everything that has happened, I never realized how much I missed the jedi. I never understood just how much I wanted to be free. Instead, I chose to become a slave to my pursuit of power... The longer I remained here, the harder it has been to live with myself. Then I thought, 'There is no emotion; there is peace...' I think I understand now.

After living four years with only anger and hate, I would be a fool not to understand. The more I pursued my passions, the more trapped I became. The more I wanted to break the chains others have placed, the more I placed around my neck.

"Maybe the only thing I ever really wanted was peace after all. My true desire may always have been to free myself of the memories that have plagued my mind and made it difficult to think about anything else. The jedi tried to show me that." I realized now that I have only made it harder to live with myself. I have only acted on what I sought to escape. The guilt I should have felt over the last four years has finally caught up with me. The tears I now shed were from the pain I felt in my gut.

In desperation, I wailed "How can I expect to find peace now? I've done so many things... hurt so many. I've defied everything that mattered to me; what am I supposed to do?"

"You can learn to let go of your anger and hate. If you can free yourself of those emotions, you can become the person you want to be. The guilt you feel; it can only come from one who understands the suffering of others. If you feel it, it means that you have turned away from the dark side. I know you'll choose to do what's right."

I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "Who are you? I sense much of the dark side within you, yet you act out of the light. I knew from the moment we first met that there was something different about you; more so than I ever suspected."

He gave a proud smile and replied, "Indeed. I am Darth Revan."

"Revan?" I was shocked to hear such an answer, but I knew it was true. It made sense how he could bask in the power of the darkside without loosing himself to it. "Yes, I should have known from the beginning, but you're not the Dark Lord you once were, are you? You are Revan... and yet you are not. How can that be?"

"I'm still not fully aware of that. It may have been that the force lead me down this path. It may also be that I simply made a choice... as do you. If you wish it, you could come with me."

I wanted so much to accept his offer, but I knew that I would only be a burden on him. I could not dare ask it of him. He has already given me more than I could ever return. "Believe me... nothing would honor me more greatly than to be with you, but I can't be with anyone... not now. Not until I learn to deal with my guilt. You have your own destiny to follow and my presence would just interfere with what you have to do."

"Don't concern yourself with me. Whatever you need, I am willing to..."

I interrupted. "Only I can help myself at this time. You have done more for me than you will ever know, and I intend to do the same for you when I am able. Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. When I am ready, I will return to the jedi, if only to face my crimes. You have a destiny, my friend and I wish you well on your way to it. Thank-you; and may the force be with you."

I picked myself up and limped towards the entrance to the tomb. I was still in intense physical pain, but I made my way out as quickly as I could, trying not to limp. Revan just stood there and let me leave that horrible place on my own. I never looked back, but I think he had been watching me as a father would to a daughter taking her first steps. I felt undeserving of such a fate. What happened there... what I did that day was entirely because of Revan. It is because of him that I found myself. It was because of him that I saw the dark side for what it was and turned away from it.

It had been so long since I was free. I didn't care how much I had lost of myself over the last four or five years. All that mattered was that the chains that bound me to the Sith had been broken forever. I was free.


	2. The Homecoming

After only a short journey, I eventually found myself before the Jedi Academy on Dantooine. Staring at the doors, I couldn't bring myself to go through.

I hoped that I would remember more about my life before the Sith, but memories didn't return as I hoped. Remorse seemed to be the only thing on my mind. How would they react if I just walked in? How could I face them?

There were a few people strolling outside... minding their own business. I wasn't even disrupting them, but they all had their eyes fixed on me. I suppose the tattoos gave me away as a Sith; a thing to fear. Within a few minutes, everyone was gone... I never realized how imposing I could be to non-Jedi. I would have relished their fear not too long ago. That's all changed.

I still could not build up the courage to face the Jedi and I almost decided to leave. Before that could happen, the main doors opened and a fellow twi'lek came through. I recognized him, but I couldn't trust my own memory. He came towards me and I knew it had to be Master Zhar.

"We've heard rumors that the Sith were invading Dantooine. We didn't know it was only you." He said.

I was surprised that I was approached so quickly. I didn't have any words prepared, but I tried to respond. "Master Zhar... I didn't know anyone was..."

Zhar interrupted my clumsy sentence with, "We had not been expecting you so soon." I stared at him, confused. "We were informed by Jedi Trevelyan to expect your arrival."

"You mean..." I almost said 'Revan' when I realized I might expose too much. "...he seriously expected that I would return?"

He nodded. "Please come in. You will attract less attention." He extended his arm toward the enclave and I went on ahead of him. I was still fearful of stepping through and seeing friends I had betrayed... masters I had ignored... How would they react if they saw me walking on their sacred grounds? I would soon find out.

After taking the first step into the enclave, Zhar took the lead. "Please follow me."

"Where are we going?"

"To speak with the council. I assume that's why you are here."

I nodded. In truth, I had no idea why I came to this place. Maybe it was because I had nowhere else to go... nor would anyone else take me in. The only ones I could turn to were here. Again, I decided to place my fate in their hands.

Zhar took me through the main chambers where several padawans were meditating and studying. Almost every one stared at me as I walked by. I don't blame them... most have never even seen a Sith before, let alone here. I was growing more uncomfortable the further into the enclave we got. I felt like I was vulnerable and surrounded. Rarely have I felt so much discord.

I was fearful about seeing my old master again, but I didn't expect that he would lock himself in one place for long. He preferred to be in the field, where the action occurred... not enclosed behind stone walls. I wish that I hadn't turned on him so long ago. What would he think of me now?

Zhar had taken me to the council chamber, but I stopped just outside the entrance. I couldn't bring myself to face their judgment. If they were angry with me, I would be imprisoned or exiled from the order permanently. If I were forgiven, I would feel guilty to receive their mercy as I did Revan's.

"The Council is ready for you. Please come in." Zhar said.

I shook my head. "I can't. I'm sorry, but I just can't face them. How can I expect forgiveness from them? I wouldn't forgive me."

"Yuthura, if you wish to return to the order, you have to face to Council. It will be all right."

I slowly walked into the chamber and looked upon them again. Seeing the Council was much different from the last time I saw them almost four years ago. Although they haven't changed much, I felt... older... almost wiser than I was then. I also felt as though I've diminished in their eyes. They were no longer looking at a foolish, young, slave girl. They were looking upon the face of their enemy.

Looking back at me were Master Dorak, Master Vandar, and Master Vrook.

Dorak was the chronicler of the Academy. He was the kind that took great joy in both learning and teaching. I imagined that he would be likely to support me simply for the sake of knowing about the Sith from one who lived among them.

Vandar smiled at me as I entered. He was the closest to a friend I had besides my master, so it was not surprising to see him looking at me as he had in the past. He seemed to befriend everyone and not hold hard feelings toward anyone. If anyone would support me, it was him.

Zhar was the one responsible for training me as a sentinel instead of a guardian. He knew about my temper better than anyone, especially when I fought with a lightsaber. The only advantage I had with him was that he was a fellow twi'lek. He understood the blight of slavery on our people better than the others. He was a Jedi, however. I had to assume he would be completely neutral on his judgment towards me.

Vrook would be the most difficult Council member to convince of my sincerity. He simply hated anyone who touched the darkside. He was arrogant beyond reason and considered me an enemy, even before I left the Order. He could not be reasoned with, so I had to be prepared to accept whatever he said about me and not react. If I could even return his anger with calm or pleasant responses, that may earn the support I need from the other masters.

I knew that in order to show my sincerity, I had to restrain my emotions. I just needed to convince myself that their words were irrelevant and my calm demeanor was critical. It sounded easy, but after four years of acting upon my emotions, this was going to require all of my will. I decided that the best way to face this would be to remember Revan. I must not fail him... I would control my emotions.

When I stood in the center of the room, I was sweating almost as much as I was when I was in the tomb of Naga Sadow. I wished so much to have Revan's support. I needed a friend more than ever. I regret so much that I didn't make friends in the years I was here. Would even my master have believed me? I chose to be alone four years ago and now... I was alone.

Vrook was quick to provoke me. "You are either very brave, or very stupid, Sith." He emphasized 'Sith.'

I did not react to his insult... I tilted my head forward and clearly displayed the guilt I felt. I didn't have anything to hide... and I could not risk my sincerity being perceived as a trick, so I left myself exposed and vulnerable.

Dorak was quick to counter the insult. "Vrook! That was not necessary... and it was mean!"

Already, I felt a sense of relief. Vrook's first words resulted in my favor because I controlled my anger. I knew that if I had to bow down and kiss their boots, I could do it.

Vrook responded. "My words did not mean anything to her four years ago. Why would they hurt her now?" Vrook glared at me, "And even it they did, it hardly compares to what she did when she betrayed us, her master, and the Jedi!"

I opened my mouth to respond, but just remained silent... I was too afraid to utter the words anyway.

Vandar said "Yuthura, if you have something to say, please don't be afraid to speak your thoughts."

I hesitantly defended myself. "I... just wanted to say... I didn't betray the Jedi, I just left. How did my departure hurt anyone other than me or my master?"

Vrook yelled back. "You went right to the Sith... the enemy that is slaughtering thousands of Jedi as well as countless millions!"

Zhar defended me again. "You are letting your personal feelings interfere with your judgment, Vrook. We are supposed to set examples for the students."

Dorak added "You shouldn't even be feeling anger, let alone displaying it. No one should have to reiterate the code to a master, should they?"

Vrook exhaled sharply and said "You're right." At that moment, I knew Vrook wanted nothing more than to strangle me with his bare hands. Instead, he faced me and gave a false apology. "I am sorry for my outburst. If you have something to discuss with the council, please go on."

Suddenly, I felt relief. I realized that I controlled my desire to lash out at Vrook. I knew that I could control myself, so I began again. "Masters of the Dantooine Council, I have come before you to face judgment for my crimes against the Jedi. And, if you would allow..."

"A full confession!" Vrook stood up and faced the other council members. "Even she admits to committing crimes against the Jedi. I don't see how you can sit here and defend her?!"

Vandar replied "There is no emotion." That insulted Vrook and he took it hard... even I felt his anger... his hate for me. I took his outbursts gladly, since it only helped to prove my intentions. No Sith would take such insults and I wanted it displayed more proudly than my tattoos.

Vrook softly stated "She has admitted to crimes against the order, yet she wants us to accept her back after she betrayed us? I would like to know what the Council intends to do about her."

Zhar looked at me. "I would like to hear more about why Yuthura left the order and, more importantly, why she wishes to return."

Dorak agreed. "Yes, I also wonder why you decided to leave the Sith. And why they allowed you to leave."

I said "They did not 'allow' me to leave. It was because a Jedi named Alex Trevelyan helped me to escape." The Council looked at each other. They knew more, but didn't want to tell me. "He helped me understand why I left the Jedi in the first place. He made me realize that I was not living for myself. When he asked me if anything has changed since I became a Sith, I realized that I had lost all that I once valued."

Vandar asked "What was it that you lost? Why would becoming a Jedi help you?"

I began to remember Revan's compassion and I began to feel the way I did back in the tomb. I controlled my emotions and began to speak again. "The reason why I left the Jedi four years ago was because I wanted to stop slavery and I felt you were not willing to do anything about it. You wanted me to silence any passion I had to fight slavers... to not be angry at those who steal people's lives... I wasn't strong enough to do that." I started losing control of my feelings as I confronted the reason why I left the Jedi. Speaking to the ones who I had abandoned was painful. "I didn't want to be free of my anger; I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to feel peace by removing the cause of my anger... not the anger itself. Master Zhar told me that he wouldn't train me as a guardian because of my rage."

Zhar said "You wanted to fight slavery, I already knew that. It was the reason I recommended a sentinel's path. A guardian would have only been capable of fighting with a lightsaber. That was not what would have best suited your purpose... you wanted to personally slay every slaver.

"Fighting slavery on a massive scale involved either the technical or diplomatic skills of a sentinel or councilor. I did not forbid from being a guardian for the sake of calming your anger... I did it because I thought it was best for you. If it was that which drove you to the Sith, I'm sorry for my part."

Vrook said "You don't have anything to apologize for. Whether or not her passion was justified or not, she betrayed the Jedi. It was her choice alone. And given that there are no masters to apprentice her, it would make no difference even if her intentions were genuine. We have more important matters to attend to."

I replied "But you need all the help you can get. I'm just asking for another chance to prove myself."

Dorak said "I have to agree with Vrook on that issue. We are in a war and can't afford to retrain you while there are so many who haven't had one attempt. If this were under different circumstances, I would welcome you back, but for now, we don't have the luxury of retraining one we can't trust. I'm sorry."

My heart sank as he said those words. My jaw dropped in disbelief. I knew that he gave me a very valid reason, but I didn't care. Despite everything that had happened, I sealed my fate when I left the order four years ago. All that I ever worked for was lost. I felt as though my entire life had amounted to nothing.

All my hopes, ambitions, sweat, blood, tears, and pain were for nothing. The slaves I could have freed... the suffering I had endured on Korriban and Sleheyron... none of it mattered.

It was one thing to forget oneself, but to have a full life of hopes and dreams destroyed... it was worse than being a slave. It wasn't a master that made me who I was. It was because of me that I was nothing. I could have been greater than I ever dreamed, but instead, I would always be nothing.

Vandar said "I think a vote should be in order to determine how to proceed."

"Don't... just don't." I said as I already knew the verdict. "I shouldn't have come here." Then I turned around to leave when I realized that I still didn't know why Revan was on Korriban. That was something I needed to know. Why was the former Lord of the Sith working for the Jedi?

I turned back to face the council again and asked "One last thing... that Jedi, Alex Trevelyan... could you tell me about him?"

Vandar answered "Alex Trevelyan? He had only recently completed his training, but the force was stronger with him than most. I don't know much about him personally."

I knew Master Vandar was lying. He knew every student on a personal level to some degree. I often was surprised at how much he knew of me, despite rarely speaking to him. Vandar knew more than he was telling me.

"That wasn't the name he used." I commented.

Zhar said "He must have just used a false name for his mission. Why does this one interest you?"

I started to raise my voice. "I know who he is... and so do you. What have you done?!"

The Council remained silent.

"If you don't tell me what you have done, I will make sure that your secret becomes public."

The Council were full of fear, but none of them showed it to me. They looked at each other and Vrook told Zhar and Dorak, "Disable the security system and seal the entrance." Vrook faced me. "If we speak about this, none of it leaves this chamber."

The council sat down in their chairs and gave me their undivided attention. There was a moment of silence until Vrook asked, "What do you know... about Revan?"

"I know who he is... that he is alive... and that the former Dark Lord of the Sith is working to advance your interests. Why is he helping you?"

"We can't reveal that to anyone. It's secret information that few are allowed to know. Even he was not aware of it."

"What do you mean he 'wasn't aware of it?' What did you do to him?"

Dorak said "As you know, when Revan was declared dead, everyone assumed he perished with his ship. In truth, he was severely wounded, but was rescued. When he was brought before the Council on Couriscant, there was no means to heal his damaged mind. Revan, the Sith Lord, was truly dead."

I was shocked to hear that, but it still didn't explain why he was working for the Jedi. I asked "If his mind was destroyed, then what happened?"

Vandar continued "The Jedi Council gave him a new identity and a new set of memories. The one who you encountered was completely different from the Dark Lord you followed four years ago."

I just came to a horrible truth: the one who convinced me to leave the Sith was not a person, but a weapon. "You changed him. You manipulated him into doing your bidding! It wasn't Revan that convinced me to leave the Sith... it was a genetically programmed weapon!"

"There was no way to save him. We had to..."

"You exploited him! You're no better than the Sith! How could I have been so blind?!" I shrieked in rage.

"We had no choice. The Dark Lord was too dangerous to revive."

"You can't reject me because I've rejected you! I am now and will always be a Sith! You will not control my destiny any longer!"

Having lost the last shred of my emotional control, I ran out of the Council chamber. Everyone in the enclave looked at me in fear as I stormed out. I was so angry, yet something was holding me back. Something had stopped me from attacking the Council with my lightsaber and it was stopping me from killing every padawan I came by. If I wanted to hurt the council, I could easily have blasted them with force lightning, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Why did I not want to take revenge on these hypocritical shuttas?!

When I reached my ship, I just got behind the controls and took off with no idea as to where I would go... I just had to get away from this place. Anywhere was better than here. I went through the take off procedures and was soon in orbit.

By the time I was circling the planet, I decided that the only other place I could travel was back to Korriban. I didn't have any other hyperspace coordinates anyway, so I punched them in and was soon at light speed. It felt better to be moving. It just seemed that there was nothing else to do. It did give me time to think about how all this all started.

Before that thing which used to be Revan entered my life, my path was clear. I must not allow the Jedi to manipulate me any longer. I was confused for a time, but I know that I should never have left the Sith. I am Yuthura Ban: Sith Master now and forever.

I must go back and take command. From there, I will be able to plan my next move. Once I'm back where I belong, everything will make sense again. I'm glad that the Jedi rejected me, otherwise I would have doomed myself to be under the control of yet another master.

The Korriban Academy 

When I entered Dresdae, I realized that something terrible had happened since before I left. There should have been guards in the hanger and near the entrances, but none were at their posts. It wasn't long before I realized the truth... without a leader... without me, they all turned on themselves. Everyone was dead... and I was responsible for it. I should not have abandoned them after killing their leader. Uthar may have deserved death, but the students certainly did not.

While I walked down the corridors and saw the bodies, I was not feeling grief or loss, but rather a sense of loneliness. I have lived alone for four years, yet it wasn't until now that it really affected me. It may be because I chose to be alone instead of it being forced upon me.

One of the computer councils was alive with activity. I looked to see what needed attention and then I knew... Dantooine had been destroyed. The ones that rejected me were also dead. Everyone I ever knew was dead; and I still live. By all definitions, I have achieved victory, but never has it been so hollow... never has it tasted so bitter. What have I achieved? Who have I proven my superiority to?

As I came to realize that everything I once knew was gone, I lost all feeling within myself. Everything I've ever known... gone. I could not feel anything; I was numb to my senses as well as my emotions. For the first time ever, I was free of the anger and hate that have plagued me all my life. It did not seem to matter anymore... I have learned to accept what I've been told all my life; I was indeed nothing.

Darkness took me as I began to lose consciousness, but I no longer cared... or I didn't think I cared about my own life anymore. I just sat there... and did nothing.


	3. Pulled from the Shadows

I don't know how long it has been since the darkness took me

I don't know how long it has been since the darkness took me. I thought I had lost my sanity, but I began to feel myself again. I was slowly moving from the blissful sensation of unconsciousness to the harshness of reality. I could hear the humming of my surroundings, feel the warmth of the air around me, and I knew that I was still alive.

I was very weak... just lifting my head seemed taxing. As I stretched myself out, all the muscles in my body ached as though they haven't been used in days.

My memories began to return as I realized everything that had happened in the last few days was real. I wanted nothing more than to return to my dreams, but I knew that I was not on Korriban.

I was in a bed... although not very comfortable, it was better than the floor. The room was made of metal and provided dim lighting. I was on a ship.

Thinking I was a prisoner, I raised myself from the bed and found that I was not shackled down. Lacking the strength to stand, I hit the deck very hard and very loudly.

Footsteps came running in my direction. Fear took its hold as I did not know where I was or what to do. Should I force myself to stand and defend myself? Should I just let whatever happens unfold?

Ultimately, I curled myself into a corner like a child trying to hide. When the door opened, a human stepped in and saw me through the darkness. Although I knew I was safe, I felt little comfort in seeing him again.

Revan grinned when he saw me, but it quickly turned to concern. "Yuthura?"

I just stared at him. I didn't know who or what he was. The one who convinced me to leave the sith may not have been who I thought. Was everything that he told me a lie? I cautiously asked "Revan?"

"Yes, I'm here." After a moment, he explained what happened. "I found you on Korriban... you were in a trance... I brought you on board." He started to smile. "I didn't know when you would come to."

We just stared at each other for a long moment before he leaned over to embrace me. It felt wonderful to be held in his arms, yet I felt that I did not know him. "Yuthura, I'm so sorry." he whispered to me.

I gently pushed him away and got to my feet. As I looked at him, I could not believe everything that has happened. He was the dearest thing to me, yet I did not see the man who became my friend. I desperately asked "Who are you? Are you Darth Revan, or were you just a weapon created by the jedi?!"

"What did the Council tell you?"

"They said that they erased your mind and programed a new identity. They manipulated you into doing their dirty work. It wasn't Darth Revan that made me leave the sith! It was a genetically programed weapon of the jedi!" I shouted in rage.

"Yuthura, everything I told you... everything about myself..."

"Was a lie! They made you in their own image. Nothing that you remember was real." I shrieked in anger. "You were never my friend! You just manipulated me! You made me leave the sith!" I began to sob. "And now they're all dead."

"I thought you wanted to leave the sith."

"They were all I had!" I dropped my head in shame, but held back the tears from behind my eyes. "I hated them, but they were all I had. And now they're gone.

"They turned on themselves because I was not there to lead them. When they needed me most, I was not there. I trusted you and you made me betray everything I was. Now, everything I ever knew is gone. The sith, the jedi, even my friend... never existed." Tears began streaming down my cheeks and I stepped back to sit on the bed. My head hung from my shoulders and my hands covered my face.

After a moment, he sat down next to me and gently placed his right hand on my shoulder. "I admit that I am not Darth Revan, but that doesn't mean everything I told you was a lie. The memories that the Jedi Council gave me are what made me who I am now. They are as real to me as yours are to you. I know that everything I remember for most of my life never happened, but the person who you called your friend... I, Alex Trevelyan, am here for you."

I pulled my head up. "But how do you know that? How do you know that you haven't been made for the sole purpose of serving the jedi? How do you know that you aren't just being manipulated by them?"

"I simply do. It was not the jedi that made me who I am... well maybe they did, but from the time I was on Taris... everything I have done in the last four months was because I chose to follow what I believed to be right. The jedi didn't give me memories that made me think as they do.

"I just thought of myself as an average Republic officer with dreams, desires, and emotions. Even now, after the training they gave me, I still have strong emotions and beliefs that no true jedi could ever have."

He gently put his hand under my chin and made me face him. "It was because of those feelings that I went back to Koriban. The council didn't want me to go searching for you, but I did. I, Alex Trevelyan, went looking for you because I cared for you... because you are my friend."

I just stared at him for a long moment and somehow, I knew that he was right. The look on his face was the same look he gave me when he told me to leave the sith.

I no longer saw him for what I feared him to be. This man was the same person who I called my friend. When I wrapped my arms around him, it was as if he were all I had... and that it was enough for me.

As tears of happiness poured from my eyes, I whispered "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. I was just so angry to hear what the council did to you." I pulled myself away. "They had no right. When I heard they manipulated you... I just couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do."

He smiled and assured me "It's all right. I'm here. You're here." He stared at me for a long, passionate moment. "I know what the council said to you. I should have been there when you went to Dantoinne. I know that you genuinely want to return to the jedi. They should't have rejected you. I won't let them do so again."

"Please... the jedi have made their choice. It would not have made any difference, but thank you."

After another moment of silence, he asked a very basic question: "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better." I sighed as I thought to ask a question to which I didn't want to know the answer. "How badly is the war going for the Republic?"

"What?"

"How much longer can the Republic stand up to the sith? Last I heard... the sith were only weeks away from victory."

He looked at me, confused and then exclaimed. "Oh! Malak has been defeated."

I popped my head up in disbelief. "What?"

"Yes! After I left Koriban, we found the source of the Sith's war effort. The Republic fleet disabled it and I defeated Malak."

I almost giggled at my friend's victory. I felt great relief at hearing such unexpected news. "You are wonderful."

He was grinning, but it soon turned to anxiety. "When I heard that Dantoine had been destroyed... I was fearful that I sent you to your death. It was a great relief when I spoke with Master Vandar and learned that you had left before the attack. The way in which you departed...

"After that, I went searching for you. Koriban seemed the most likely place you would go. When I found all the sith dead, I thought you were among them... or that you had killed them all. I was surprised to just find you there uncouncious."

"Thank you for finding me. I'm glad that I wasn't too difficult to locate."

"I'll be meeting with the Jedi Council on Couriscant when we get back. Would you like me to speak to them on your behalf? I could be very persuasive."

I laughed out loud as I understood exactly what he meant. If he could convince me to leave the sith, surely he could put even Vrook in his place... or no. He was killed on Dantoine.

"I would truly appreciate it. But if they don't accept me then, I won't have you fighting them on my behalf. I already owe you more than I could ever return. I don't want you to be burdened by me. Agreed?"

"Agreed. I just ask one thing in return."

"Of course. Anything."

He handed me a set of black robes. "Please change out of that sith uniform. I'll bet that you've had that on since you first left Koriban."

We both laughed out loud at just how badly I smelled. With all that I've been through over the last several days, evan a twi'lek would not be pleasant to be around.

I took the clothes and he left, closing the door behind him.

I then realized that I was smiling. I've rarely grinned to the extent that it hurt my face before. Just a few days earlier, I was ready to die. Everything is still as it was, except for this one man. How could he, alone, make all the difference between bedlam and certainty?

No wonder Revan was so powerful. I have never met another who was as powerful or charismatic as him. I wonder what Trevelyan was like before his mind was destroyed. Or does he prefer to be called 'Revan?'

After changing, I walked into the corridor to find Trevelyan preparing some food in a nearby compartment. I realized that I was extremely thirsty... I must not have eaten or drank anything in days. It didn't matter as I was used to starving while I was on Sleheyron.

I walked into the kitchen and he handed me a plate with something on it. "Here. You must be hungary."

"Thirsty."

"Of course." He quickly fetched me a glass of water and I snatched it out of his hand.

I was embarrassed at how selfishly I acted, but I was so thirsty and I gulped the water in just a few seconds. I went to fill the glass again.

Trevelyan stopped me. "Slowly. You don't want to make yourself sick." He then stepped aside and let me use the faucet.

I drank another two glasses at a steady pace as he just watched, smiling. I finally realized he was staring at me. "What?"

"You look much better in jedi robes. That uniform didn't flatter you at all."

I looked at him as if he had mistaken me for someone else. "Why did you give me this? I'm not a jedi... and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't think of me as such until after it's official. If it ever is."

"Of course. It's just that I didn't bring along another change of clothes. That is my robe you are wearing. It may not be the best fit, but at least its clean."

"Thanks." I leaned up against a bulkhead and tilted my head back. After a long sigh, I asked "How long had it been since we were in Naga Sadow's tomb?"

"That was about 9 days ago."

I looked at him with great surprise. "That means I was in that trance for almost a week."

Trevelyan waited for me to come to grips with how long I've been 'asleep.' "Yeah. I meant to ask you about that. You seemed to be in some kind of stasis. It looked like you were in a hibernation trance; supporting yourself almost entirely with the force. Your metabolism and breathing were minimal, but you were very much alive. What technique was that?"

"I don't really know what I was trying to do. With all the sith dead and learning about Dantoinne, I felt... so lost. It was as though everything I ever knew was gone."

"I'm sorry."

I sighed. "Well, whatever happened... I thank you for rescuing me... again."

"I'm just glad you're all right." He gestured toward the food that I still haven't touched. "But you must be starving. I'll stop distracting you." He stood up and walked towards the door, but stopped to say a few things. "The quarters on the starboard side are yours. I will not enter them. You can have whatever there is to eat. It may not be the best food there is, but it's hot." He thought for a moment. "If you need me, I'll be in the pilot compartment."

I gave a very heartfelt thank-you and watched him walk out.

--

After I finished eating, I went to my quarters to get my mind around all that has happened in the last several days. The destruction of Dantoine and Koriban were still fresh in my mind.

After nearly an hour alone, I was having difficulty with my thoughts and wanted to see my friend again. He told me that he'd be on the flight deck, so I went there.

Trevelyan turned around to face me. "Feeling better now?"

I was feeling very insecure at that moment, but I answered. "Yes. I feel a bit more... centered." Which was a lie, but not hidden very well.

"Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Only if you'll allow it."

He looked at me with surprise. "You're afraid of me."

I was embarrassed at how I let myself be so transparent. Although I've been exposed in front of my enemies more times than I want to know, never have my emotions been displayed so prominently. I was truly exposed. "Should I not?"

He lowered his brow. "I'm not Revan anymore. I don't want you to be afraid of me."

"What exactly do you want?"

He gave an exasperated sigh. "I don't want you to be afraid of me. I want you to think of me as you had on Koriban; like a friend. I want to help you... do you at least believe that?"

I nodded. "Yes. It's just that... I've always been suspicious of the intention of others. I... value your friendship more than anything else; I don't want to lose it."

"You know what the fear of loss leads to." He took my hand and held it in his. "I value having you as my friend. I understand that the sith have significantly influenced your life. I want to help you get through it. Do you trust me enough to believe that?"

I reluctantly nodded. "It all comes down to trust, doesn't it?" I sat in the co pilot's chair. After releasing a sigh of exhaustion, I faced Trevelyan again. "While I was a sith, I rarely spoke the truth. I've learned to hear all and trust nothing. I'm trying to be as honest to you as I can, but it's difficult to change old habits."

Trevelyan looked worried and nervously asked "What you told me of your past, was any of that...?"

"No!" I softly exclaimed. "That was true. When I spoke of my reasons for joining the sith, you comforted me... you made me feel less alone. It eased my mind to know that I had good reasons for what I did. You made me remember things that I had forgotten. You've earned my trust long ago."

"The feeling is mutual." He said, trying to comfort me.

"No. You shouldn't trust me at all. I betrayed you once, remember?"

"But you didn't want to. You were caught between whether to side with the sith or side with me. I don't hold any anger against you for that."

I sighed in frustration. "Unless I have earned your trust, you should assume I'll do whatever is in my best interests. Can we just leave it be?"

"As you wish."

I looked forward into the vastness of hyperspace. "I've been thinking about what will happen with the Council tomorrow. What would I tell them that they don't already know? Why would anything change their minds?"

"The war with the sith is almost over. Now that they don't have to worry about Malak, they would be more forgiving. And because the jedi order has been severely weakened by the war, they will need all the help they can get."

I looked at his eyes, then tilted my head down. "I think I'd be more trouble than worth. My emotions are so strong... I don't know if I could ever be free of the anger and hate that I have relied on for so long." I faced him again. "How do you do it? Not give in to your emotions?"

After a long pause, he laughed out loud, but quickly held it back. "I'm sorry. It's just that... I'm not free of my emotions... far from it." He took a deep breath. "I don't think there is anything wrong with having feelings or emotions. They are often what drive change and action." He faced forward. "And more often than not, I've acted on my feelings."

I smiled as I understood what he talking about. "Like with me?"

He looked back at me and nodded his head. "I felt you were different from the other sith. You were the only one strong enough to see who she had become... and know that it was not what you wanted.

"Most people would delude themselves into committing terrible acts because they think it's for a just cause, but not you, no. Despite all those years with the sith, you were able to turn away from them."

I was feeling guilty at what Trevelyan was telling me. He speaks as though I have done the impossible. It was nothing more than realizing that I did not belong with the sith. I did not want his flattery.

He continued. "It took great courage for you to turn away from it. And that is why I respect you."

I almost yelled "Please... don't." I took a long breath. "I have done so many things I wish I hadn't done. I do not deserve your respect. I'm nothing special... please do not tell me otherwise. All I can do now is make reparations for what I have done. Guilt is all that drives me anymore. And I know that no matter what I do, I will never be free of it.

"Don't give me your respect. Don't tell me what I've done. You don't know what I'm capable of. You cannot grasp what it is like to live in fear of death and humiliation every day. It was not enough for Omeesh the hut to simply own you; he took great pleasure in breaking young slaves and making them know that they belonged to him.

"Omeesh made sure that every one of his slaves knew that there was no escape... except death." My voice began to break up. "And that's what most of them chose. More of his slaves died by their own hands than by his." I started to shed tears, but turned my head to hide them. "So few of his slaves were executed at his order. His brutality was so terrible that death was almost a thing to smile at."

Trevelyan hesitantly asked "How did you manage to endure such... agony?"

"I was one of the lucky ones. I was one of his favorites, so I was spared much of the ruthless beatings and humiliation that were common among the other slaves. I lived long enough to watch all my friends die.

"Every one of their deaths made me hate myself because they were able to end their suffering. I was never brave enough to take my own life. Eventually, the pain of watching them suffer was too great. It was only then that I acted.

"When I had Omeesh alone in his chamber, I killed him. And as I drove that blade into his throat, it was the greatest moment of my life. But now... it frightens me. I can't ever convince myself that what I did was wrong, but I know what I've done. I murdered him... and I enjoyed watching the life drain from him. I acted as he had... and I cannot convince myself that it was wrong."

I looked directly into his eyes. "I could tell myself that I was doing it to help the other slaves. I could even think that it saved many lives, but that was not why I did it." I confessed "I wanted to make him suffer for what he had done to me. I wanted revenge. The other slaves didn't cross my mind."

Trevelyan looked at me as if in shock. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You deserve to know exactly who I am. You have gone to great lengths to help me. For that, I am greatful, but you should know that I have done many unforgivable acts. I don't want you to suffer because of me."

He gently put his hand under my chin and pulled my head to face him. "That is why I respect you. That is not going to change, no matter what you've done."

I got up to leave the flight deck when Trevelyan grabbed my arm to stop me. I was about to slap his it away when I saw those eyes of his gazing upon me. I couldn't bring myself to hit him.

"Yuthura, you're my friend. I don't want to see anything happen to you. If returning to the jedi helps you to find some measure of peace, then it's worth it to me." He released my arm and stood up out of the pilot seat.

"I know that you have done many acts that you regret. You don't have to tell me about them if you don't want to, but if you do wish to speak your mind, know that nothing you have done will affect my opinion of you."

I nodded and turned around to return to my quarters.


	4. Memories

I remained isolated in my quarters for the rest of the evening. Trevelyan occasionally walked about the ship, but he respected my privacy. Although I would have liked his company, I felt weakened and didn't want to be seen in this state. I had hoped that meditation could focus my thoughts, but I simply had too much on my mind. It also seemed that the more I thought about past events, the harder it was to understand why I acted as I did.

I knew why I joined the Sith; that much was obvious, but the reasons why I started thinking and acting like one... that I couldn't understand. It frightened me as to how easily I learned to hurt others without giving it a second thought. I despised Omeesh for his wickedness, but I came to act exactly as he did. The only difference was that I did not take the sadistic pleasure in watching another's suffering.

At first, I did only what I had to in order to survive among the Sith. I soon learned to regard everyone around me as a threat and not hesitate to strike at them. As I witnessed the heinous acts committed by my competitors, I was determined to never become one of them. It wasn't long before my hatred was directed from slavery to the ways of the Sith.

As the months passed, my anger towards slavery had been twisted into a terrible form. It wasn't long before I had to start violating my personal values in order to achieve my goals. The first time I murdered someone, I knew it was wrong, but I did it regardless.

When Uthar ordered me to strike him down, I ignited my lightsaber and raised it high above my head and held it there. I stalled as I tried to find a reason to justify my action, but I found none. My victim was not even a Sith; he was tied down and posed no threat to me. This was not a battle... it was an execution… a murder and I almost pulled back, but then I thought about the slaves I vowed to free...

People of countless races were bound by chains. Entire civilizations have been deprived of their freedom... and there I was, still worrying about the finer points of morality. It had to stop! I had to do whatever it took to ensure that no one else suffered as I have! Fighting the slavers... bringing them to justice... breaking their chains... THOSE WERE THE PRIORITIES!

Everything changed after that...

Maybe the Jedi Council was right to reject me. As much as I hated to admit it, Vrook was right. I was the one who chose to leave the jedi. It may simply have been that there was no turning back. It was I who chose to embrace the Sith; and I had to live with the consequences of that decision. What Omeesh did to me was unjust, but it didn't give me the right to harm others in the same manner.

I checked the time and saw that it was already 00:21 the next day. I was surprised at how late it was. Trevelyan had long since been in his quarters and most likely sound asleep.

Then I got curious as to how well one such as he sleeps. Perhaps it would have given me some comfort to know that someone like him doesn't lie awake at night like me.

When I came to his doorway, there was faint lighting, but just enough illumination to make out his face. One such as Trevelyan must have had more on his own mind than I, yet he looked so peaceful, so still, and so quiet. It was comforting to just watch him rest.

I've rarely been able to get a decent night's sleep, even while I was with the jedi. The memories of Sleheyron continued to torment me as I could never forget the screams of pain... each time I had been violated... the voice of that hut still echoed in my mind. I frequently had nightmares that often woke me to a reality worse than the nightmare.

I still clung to hope that one day they would cease… somehow, watching this former dark lord of the sith gave me some. Much greater issues troubled him, yet he could still get a decent night's rest. I envied him for that.

After a few minutes, I realized that I had to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be an important day, so I had to be rested and focused. When I turned to walk out of the doorway, I was startled to hear Trevelyan's voice. "If you wanted to talk, I'm still awake."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."

He chuckled a bit and sounded very much awake. "You can't disturb what's not asleep."

I turned back to face him. "Actually, there was something that I was wondering."

"Yes?"

"Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Do your memories keep you awake?"

He sat up from his bed only in his undergarments; exposed from the waist up. Although I expected him to be in top physical condition, I never really thought about what he would look like without clothes. I tried to avoid looking, but I couldn't deny that I was attracted. The definition of his muscles seemed as if he had honed his body to allow the greatest balance of musculature to flexibility. After a moment of staring at his chest, I pushed those thoughts aside and focused my attention back on his face. I did ask a question.

He answered, "It's not the memories themselves, but how they came to exist. I know that my parents... not my biological parents... were a significant part of my life. I know they never existed, yet I cannot bring myself to accept that they never were. So much of who I am came from all these false experiences. It's difficult to let them go despite knowing that most of my life was just a fantasy, but it's difficult to accept the truth. All these people I've known…" He sighed and took a deep breath. "…it's like everyone I knew had died."

I nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

He looked away from me and shook his head. "But no one has died... they simply never were. I have accepted the truth and I know that the best thing is to let it go." He looked into my eyes with pain. "I don't want to let go of everything I thought I was. Those memories I was given are a part of who I am. I still feel love for my family, respect for my friends, remorse for acts I've never done. All of those emotions and feelings seemed to make sense. Before I ever learned the truth, I felt... normal. I had no reason to question myself because I thought I had an entire lifetime of experiences to rely on." He sighed. "But when I learned that everything I ever knew was just created by the Council, all of that changed. I started doubting everything that I once knew because..." He paused for a moment to think. "Our experiences guild our principles and define who we are. We each have moral values that are defined by our experiences."

"But after learning that your memories were created instead of lived..."

He nodded. "It was like everything I ever valued meant nothing."

I took a knee in front of him. "When did you learn your true identity?"

"A few days before I arrived on Korriban."

I was shocked to hear such an answer. "I don't believe you."

"It's the truth."

"How could you have coped with something like that in only a few days? If I learned that all my memories were made up... I don't know how I'd have dealt with such a thing."

He smiled at me. "Despite what happened, I did have some real values that didn't come from my false memories. In the four months since my memories were created, I've done many things across many planets. Despite thinking of myself as nothing, I could see proof that I was still a real person. After learning the truth, my friends said they would follow me... they comforted me... and continued to look up to me. When they all told me it didn't matter to them who I once was... I saw that the false memories did have a real impact on the ones that I cared for. Because it was important that I found the Star Forge, I was able to put aside my personal feelings to achieve a greater good. I knew I couldn't let myself by distracted, or the Republic would have fallen." He sighed deeply and leaned his head back. "But now that Malak has been dealt with, doubt has begun gnawing at me again. I've lied awake at night trying to sort through whether or not I should try to forget those false memories. I know that they aren't real, but I don't want to let go of them." He shook his head. "It's pathetic of me to keep embracing a fantasy life."

I shook my head in denial. "I think you are far greater than you ever were as the Dark Lord. If you think any less of yourself because you have a full life of false memories... don't. I think much more of you, Alex Trevelyan, than anyone I have ever met."

"Yuthura, you don't have to..."

"I mean it. Whoever you are..." I put my hands on his shoulders and declared to him "...It was you who became my friend. It was you who reached out to a lost sith and showed her what she had become. You convinced me to turn away from the dark side. I could not imagine anyone else who could have done that; jedi or otherwise. It was because of those memories that you became who you are now. Your memories may have been created, but if they serve to help you and help others... then I see no reason why you should forget them."

He gave me a look of uncertainty.

I remembered something that I felt was appropriate for him. "We can never truly escape the past, nor can we rewrite it; hoping to lesson our pain. The best thing we can do is continue to learn and take from the past only that which is good and move on. Because ideals flow from the past, defining our present and shaping our future."

He smiled. "You are wise... you know that?"

I shook my head. "That's what my old master sometimes said to me. I thought it was the right thing to say."

"Who was your master, anyway?"

After a moment, I finally answered. "Alfred Kolchak."

"Do you have any idea what happened to him?"

I shook my head. "I should've tried to find out when I was on Dantooine."

"Well when we reach Couriscant, you could find out then."

After a long moment of silence, Trevelyan made a comment that made me feel better about myself. "When I look at my real friends... you, Bastila, Carth, Mission... it's like I don't want to cling to those false memories anymore. The more real friends I have, the less I think about my old life."

I chuckled at what he said. "It's been a long time since someone has called me 'friend.' I'm grateful that you still consider me as such."

He continued to smile at me, but turned his head to look at the clock behind me. "It's late. We should both try to get some rest."

"I suppose that would be for the best. I hope you have a pleasant sleep... my friend."


	5. Chapter 5

(The Ebon Hawk)

Coruscant was among the most populated planets in the galaxy. With towers reaching kilometers into the sky, there was enough floor space to cover the planet a hundred times over. Unlike Dantooine, Korriban, or Sleheyron; this planet teemed with life. There were few places where one could truly find privacy.

From orbit, I saw what appeared to be a dead world. Everything about it was artificial; no forests, no oceans, no wildlife. It was unlike any other planet I've ever set foot on. After descending from orbit, the ionized gasses around the ship dissipated and the urban landscape was even more incredible than it was from space.

While I sat in the copilot seat, I must have had the exhilarated look of a child. The endless horizon of skyscrapers fascinated me; flying over them was thrilling. Each tower seemed independent of those around it, yet they all formed a corsage that made them seem indistinguishable.

Trevelyan had occasionally taken his focus off the piloting to watch me while I enjoyed the ride. I couldn't remember the last time I was so happy to just share the company of another. It made me wonder if I was so excited to see Coruscant, or that he was with me. I didn't say anything... I just smiled back.

Before long, he pointed to something off in the distance; the Jedi Enclave. Although I've seen holo images of it, I could not escape how real and massive it looked. Within that temple was the beating heart of the Jedi Order... where the High Council decided the fates of many. It was there that my fate would soon be decided.

When we set down, I saw some people waiting near the landing pad; Trevelyan recognized them. "Looks like I've got a lot of explaining to do."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well... I didn't exactly ask them if I could borrow the Ebon Hawk... these are my friends. Try to stay away from the protocol droid."

"Why?"

"Uhh... It's an assassin droid."

I looked at him as if to ask why he had it.

"It was Revan's. Not mine."

"Ah." Although that made even less sense to me, I didn't want to hear any more.

Trevelyan went down the boarding ramp first. I didn't want to attract attention, so I pulled the hood of my cloak over my head so I could cover my tattoos.

He was greeted by Carth. I recognized him from Korriban. "Well, if it isn't the thief who stole our ship. I'm sure you have a good explanation for why you left everyone behind while you went gallivanting across the galaxy."

Trevelyan jokingly replied, "Hey... I spoke with Admiral Dadonna and she said that she'd take you back on her flagship. I thought you'd be flattered."

"Hey, it would have been the Hawk if it were still part of the fleet."

"Well, I'm sorry, but there was something I had to do. Besides, I didn't want to interrupt your victory celebration."

Mission threw in her complaint. "Do you have any idea how much Big 'Z' hated being left behind? I had to keep assuring him that you'd be back. I wasn't exactly fond of that." She pushed herself away from the wookie. "Here. You can have him back."

The protocol droid addressed Trevelyan. "Supplication: Please do not forget about your loyal droid, Master. I cannot obey your orders if I am not there to receive them. Quarry: Do you know how many meatbags I couldn't kill because you weren't there to give the order? Would you like me to kill this one for you, Master?" It focused on me.

Trevelyan ordered, "No. You will not harm her."

Carth and I did not ever meet before and me didn't recognize me. "So, what exactly did you have to do? Who is this?"

Trevelyan looked at me, but didn't say anything. He was letting me choose if I wanted to introduce myself or remain hidden. I felt that I owed it to him to try and be pleasant to his friends, so I slowly pulled the hood from my head and faced them. "Yuthura Ban. Former head of the Sith Academy on Korriban."

A long moment passed while everyone tried to make me out. I could see confusion, fear, and resentment in their eyes. I didn't know what else to say. Some of them looked at Trevelyan as if he just adopted a kell dragon.

Carth replied "We were going to invite you to lunch, but if you have something else to attend to..."

Trevelyan looked back to me. "What do you think?"

"Don't let me stop you. Like you said, you've got a lot of explaining to do." I said with a sardonic smile.

He looked at me as if I were deliberately trying to brush off his friends... perhaps I was. Then he said something that almost commanded my loyalty. "You are welcome to come along. Please... for me?"

I hated it when he said that. I didn't want to be among his friends, but I knew that he wanted me with him, so I reluctantly agreed.

-----

Trevelyan's friends took us to a restaurant with a name I couldn't read. I didn't know how to judge it since I knew very little about the quality of restaurants. It did at least had a wide variety of foods across different worlds, so it was likely to have something I could at least choke down. I didn't believe it had anything I could enjoy.

We were seated among a very crowded area; loud and very lively compared to 'The Drunk Side.' The others didn't seem to mind, but I hated the background noise. This was more unpleasant than I expected it to be and I wished I had not come along.

For the first fifteen minutes, the only one who did much talking was Trevelyan. He started off by introducing me to each of his friends and telling me a little about them. I had already known about Mission and Carth since they were on Korriban before, but not much more than their names.

At some point, Trevelyan started talking about his mission for the Star Forge and the roles each of his crew played in his quest. I was surprised at how significant the non-force users were to helping him escape the Leviathan, surviving Taris, and other tasks. I came to appreciated how capable people were with only their wits and training.

They frequently stared at me, but I did not look any of them in the eye. This whole thing was going nowhere and I just wanted to leave.

Juhani was the first one who directly spoke to me. "So, Yuthura... how did you and Trevelyan meet?"

It took me a moment to realize that I was being addressed. "I was the one responsible for admitting new students into the Sith Academy on Korriban. Trevelyan pretended to be a hopeful wanting to be admitted. I could sense that he was exceptionally powerful, but I was not convinced of his desire to join the sith." I cleared my throat and referenced my memory before continuing. "I told him that if he could get rid of five unremarkable prospective sith and give me their medals, I would admit him. There were so many pathetic students at the academy. I thought it was a brilliant tactic to siphon them out before they became my problem." I chuckled at what happened because of that. "I wasn't expecting that he would use the mind trick to get them, but it was all the same to me. Five less students made my life easier, whether they died or were forced to leave... so I admitted him."

An errie silence that fell upon them as they stared at both me and Trevelyan... probably wondering how he ever saw any good in me. I have to admit that they were right to wonder; even I didn't know.

Juhani eventually ended the silence to ask Trevelyan why he needed to enter the academy upon which he explained about the star map, the prestige contest, but did not mention my part of his story. I was appreciative that he kept what I told him secret. Although I had nothing to hide, I didn't care to have my life story written and published on the network.

It wasn't long before they asked about me. I explained how we planned to usurp Uthar and that Trevelyan made me understand why I joined the Sith. I did not tell them about Sleheyron, however. By about the time I ran out of things to say, our food was served. When they began to talk about other matters, I was glad to not be the subject of their thoughts.

-----

Soon after that, Trevelyan took me to the Jedi temple. He instructed me to stay outside the Council chamber until he could explain the situation. I was very appreciative of what he was doing and hoped that this would be easy for everyone.

When he entered, I stood outside the chamber and waited for my friend to return with good news. I covered my forehead with my cloak; I didn't want others to see my tattoos or cause an incident. Before I faced the Council on Dantooine, I remembered that I was very nervous. As I stood there, I almost felt guilty. I didn't expect that they could dismiss Trevelyan as easily as they could me. After all, what is more convincing than an ally and an enemy both telling you the same thing? They would have had no choice but to agree.

Soon, the chamber door opened and Trevelyan stepped into the hallway. "Are you ready?"

I looked at him for a moment and embraced him just long enough to thank him. When I let him go, he pulled the hood off my head, revealing all the tattoos. My headtails were also allowed to dangle freely, which I preferred to being wrapped around my neck.

Looking at me; he said nothing, but I think he silently told me that I looked beautiful. I didn't know how to react, but I didn't have time to think about that, for he stepped away and entered the council Doorway and gestured me to follow.

As I came into the sights of the Council members, I saw each of them react differently. Most of them looked with confusion. Master Kavar looked at me with pity. Master Zhar looked agitated.

Vrook stood out of his chair and roared. "We made our judgment clear! I told you that she turned her back on the order long ago. She can never be allowed back into the order!"

Trevelyan calmly spoke on my behalf. "Members of the High Council, I bring before you Yuthura Ban. For those of you who don't know her, Yuthura trained to be a jedi, but left the Order about four years ago. Since then, she has spent time among the Sith.

"The decision to turn away from the dark side was a difficult one, but she eventually came before the Council on Dantooine to beg their forgiveness. Her request to be retrained as a Jedi was denied." He gave a subtle gesture close to begging. "Although I trust in the wisdom of the Council, I believe they were too quick to reject her. I come before you now and ask that you reconsider your decision."

Master Vash was the first to speak. "Although your intentions are admirable, I do not wish to interfere with the judgment of the Dantooine Council. I do not know this woman... I would not be a suitable judge."

Master Atris stood up and made her conclusion. "Anything that has been tainted by the dark side, especially a Sith, cannot be trusted. Whoever she was when she walked among the Jedi is dead. Since then, she has gone against everything that we are. If I had the authority, she would be imprisoned for her crimes against life and her connection to the force be severed."

That accusation... hurt. I never considered that I may have been punished to such a degree. The guilt I felt quickly boiled into a terrible rage. Instinctively, I tried to strangle her with the force. As I reached my arm out, Trevelyan grabbed my hand and pulled me by the other arm to make me face him.

Desperately, he pleaded. "Yuthura, don't!"

That didn't calm my anger and I resisted, but the harder I tried to break away, the tighter his grip became. He was determined to keep me from striking another, then more than ever.

He moved his face within centimeters of mine and whispered. "They will never do such a thing." He let go of my wrists and gently held my shoulders. "Do you understand? There is no emotion..."

His assurance meant so much that I closed my eyes, trying not to cry, and nodded. "There is peace." I gently pushed him away. "I'm sorry."

All I wanted was to give in to that rage, but I knew that I couldn't fail my friend again. I could not do anything to hurt him, so I restrained my anger, but could not open my eyes to face the Council again. I just tilted my head forward in guilt... guilt that I failed both Trevelyan and myself with that outburst.

Master Vrook was quick to act on what I did and grimly stated, "You see? How extreme her anger is? She cannot be controlled and would only pose a danger to others."

I almost believed him. Even now I continued to act out of anger and hate... I could barely keep myself calm, let alone defend myself. I was grateful to have Trevelyan speaking on my behalf. "Bastila wasn't much different when she returned... and she was only among the Sith for a week. Yuthura has been among them for four years. She is learning to restrain her anger. Given time, I'm convinced she will establish full control."

Master Vrook again spoke against me. "You say that because you care for this woman, but you've never taught her... I have. Her temper was beyond control when she was first accepted into the Order. The anger within her would only have become more severe since then. I knew eight years ago that Ban should have been denied for training, but I was overruled. I still stand by my original verdict: We should never have attempted to trained her."

Master Vash interjected, "But we did, Lamar. We chose to train her... and if this request is genuine, we cannot just dismiss it. We take it upon ourselves to aid anyone in need..." She turned her attention to me. "...and I believe that Yuthura Ban is in need."

Vrook snapped back. "We don't have the means! There are no masters who would accept her, even if we chose to believe her. The Order has suffered greatly since the Mandalorian wars and we cannot accept the risk that she would represent. If that's not enough, Ban had already failed to become a Jedi. Many haven't been given the opportunity to train once."

Trevelyan stepped forward. "I would train her."

As he said those words, I almost gasped. I could not believe how far he was willing to go for me. He was not lying when he said that. If it were the only way, Trevelyan would have taken me as an apprentice. While flattered by his intention, I almost hoped he would be forbidden from training me. I already owe him more than my life and wanted to give something back; not receive more aid.

The Council stared at Trevelyan for a long, uncomfortable moment before Zhar broke the silence. "You have only been a member of the Jedi Order for four months. You got a battlefield promotion to Jedi knight while others would had to work years for that rank. In fact, I believe Yuthura knows more about the Jedi than you. Your intentions may be for a good cause, but it could result in more severe consequences for both Yuthura and yourself."

Kavar continued, "Taking an apprentice is clearly not your intention, Revan. I know that you want to help this woman, but what you propose may only make matters worse. I would not allow such an apprenticeship to occur under these circumstances."

Vrook intervened. "We cannot discuss this all day. This meeting was supposed to be between Revan and us. We can debate this at a more appropriate time. We have matters to attend to."

"Yes. We will discuss this issue later." Vash faced me. "Please leave the council chamber. We need to speak with Revan alone."

I nodded my head and turned to leave the chamber. Trevelyan followed me to the door and told me to go to his quarters. I had no idea how long he would be with the Council and I had little desire to just wait for him.

Although upset that I did not get an answer, I was glad to leave that place. My emotions were so extreme that it was almost painful not to react. I was so angry at Atris for her judgment of me. How dare she?! She never suffered as I had... she did not have the right to think of me in such a way! I wished that I had crushed her throat, yet I regret that I tried.

I couldn't wait for an indefinite period of time, so I chose to use the enclave's training facilities. I could also vent my anger without attacking someone.

-----

I had entered a large dojo where I saw many padawans training with a single master. He was demonstrating some dual saber techniques with the students themselves, but I saw flaws in his blocking style that a student wouldn't be able to exploit, but a master swordsman could.

I approached him and criticized the saber block he just showed the students. I told him that a skilled master could overpower his defense much easier than the student he was sparing with.

He responded to my criticism with a challenge. "You think you could break it? You're welcome to try."

I picked up one of the training sabers and smiled at the thought of making this master swallow his pride. I soon realized I had to take off my cloak and reveal my face. After a moment of hesitation, I just pulled the hood back and the tattoos were very apparent.

He stared at me for a few seconds, not knowing what to make of me. I wanted to assure that I wasn't a Sith any longer. "They're hard to remove." Although my words didn't make him any more at ease, he took a small bow; I did the same. "How would you want me to do this?"

He replied, "Just attack normally. The match will end when one of us hits the other. If my technique is flawed, surely you could hit me."

I calmly declared, "Very well. Defend yourself." Then I went at the instructor with a hard, downward thrust which he easily deflected. He swung his left weapon toward my head, but I easily ducked it. Then I went at him with a lance. He crossed both his weapons and directed mine toward the floor. In doing so, he exposed his entire left side to me.

I successfully landed a soft kick on his rib cage and I pulled back. "There. That block leaves you open to your opponent. If I had tried, I might have broken a few ribs." I faced the students. "The saber is not the only weapon you have. It is often what attracts your enemy's attention. Remember your hands and feet. Use them when they don't expect it."

I put the training saber down and walked away, but he asked if I could do a few more demonstrations for his class. Since I had nothing else to do, I got in front of the students and showed them a few of the tactics I learned from the Sith. I also explained when to use them and how an enemy could counter attack.

I even did a few more sparing matches with the instructor to prove what I was teaching them. He was a better weapon master than I, but he had clearly not been exposed to Sith fighting styles.

The students were very uneasy with me. I'm sure they've never seen a Sith before, so it was odd to be taught by one. Some of the older padawans wanted to spar with me and learn more about the fighting styles while the youngest ones feared me.

The class ended about half an hour later. The instructor, who I learned was a guardian named Nevski, asked if I would spar with him some more. I found it flattering that he saw beyond the tattoos; so I agreed. I knew I needed all the friends I could get.

We continued for the next hour. During that time, Nevski asked about me and the sith, but I only told him what anyone else would have known. Whatever I shared with Trevelyan didn't concern anyone else. I also described my tattoos and how I earned them.

He was surprised that I acted so calmly while fighting. I rather enjoyed going one-on-one in this manner, so I was able to maintain my self control. I knew that I was not fighting for my life, so I didn't need be concerned with being his better. In the end, he was a superior swordsman, but I did make him earn every victory.

By the time we were done, I learned much from our duels. I never enjoyed sparing while I was with the Sith, but against a Jedi, I found it almost exciting. Nevski said that if I ever wanted to... I could 'drop by' during any of his classes. I wondered why Jedi such as Nevski were not on the Council; he was more interested in knowing about me than judging me.

After he left the dojo, I came to the startling realization that Trevelyan had been watching us spar for some time. I didn't notice that he was there until Nevski was done. That was very negligent of me to ignore my surroundings.

He came up with a calm smile. "I'm glad you found something to occupy your time... and that you made a friend."

I looked at him with surprise. "Well, I wouldn't say he was a friend. We just sparred for an hour."

He smirked at me. "He said you were welcomed to attend his classes. Does that interest you?"

"He meant that I was welcomed to demonstrate what I knew of the Sith fighting styles for his class... not as a student."

He laughed. "An instructor? Even better."

"Well only if I'm accepted by the Council. How did that go? What did they want from you?"

"That was just a debriefing on my latest mission. I told them what I didn't include in my reports to the Republic Senate. They also wanted you to come before them tomorrow."

I looked away with my eyes half closed. "To officially exile me, I suppose."

He put his hand on my shoulder and I looked back. "I spoke about how they intended to judge you. I convinced them that if you met the qualifications for a padawan, that your past deeds with the Sith would not be used against you."

I sighed. "What about my age? I would imagine that they'd prefer younger... less corrupted students."

He lightly frowned and shook his head. "As long as you restrain your anger and don't pose a threat to others, then they would not judge you by your emotions. And as long as you don't disrupt the others, you would be allowed to stay." He looked down and hesitated to speak. "As for training; they say that it will take time to evaluate you. If you show progress for controlling your emotions, then they will allow you to become my apprentice. That is if no one else volunteers."

I stared at him for a long moment, not knowing if I want to tell him the truth. "Trevelyan, I don't want you to have me as an apprentice. The Council was right when they said it would be... difficult. I'm not saying that I don't trust you or think you can't do it. It's just that... I owe you much. I don't want you to burden yourself again trying to help me. I know that you may even want to do it, but it would only make me feel more guilty." I paused and tried to collect my thoughts. "I would give my life to protect yours. That is what the master would have to think, not the apprentice. Do you understand?"

He looked at me for a short moment. "That was not my intent at all. I thought that I would become your master in title only. The Council was right when they said I knew less about the jedi than you. What I thought would happen is that I would use my rank of jedi knight to accept you as my apprentice. Then you could be fairly judged by the Council. During your... apprenticeship, I could help you to control your anger... you could teach me everything you know of the Jedi and Sith. Through this arrangement, we would both benefit. If you still feel that you owe me your life, please consider this."

I just stood there as I realized that I didn't deserve what was being offered to me. I wanted more than anything to be with Trevelyan, but I just couldn't believe what was going to happen. We've both done terrible acts... perhaps we are meant to redeem each other side by side. Trevelyan was powerful and wise. I felt I could not refuse him, even if I wanted to.

"I was your instructor on Korriban. I taught you how to lie, to deceive, to betray, and to act without remorse. I taught you how to kill." I got on my knee. "If you will have me, please teach me how to live. I want to be rid of the anger and hate that has driven me all my life. I would do whatever you ask of me."

He gripped my robe and pulled me off my knees. "Yuthura, please stand. I'm not your master. I will not have you obeying me. Do you understand?"

"I'm sorry. It's just a habit."

He held my hands and brought his face within centimeters of mine. "I cannot promise you what you ask. I can promise that whatever happens, I won't let you be denied by the Council. You turned away from the Darkside, despite everything that has happened. Few have ever turned away from such temptation... even Jedi. I cannot let them dismiss you without knowing who you have become. If returning to the Jedi will give you some measure of peace, I would gladly do this."

I smiled and nodded. "Thank-you. But I need you to promise me something."

"Of course."

"If I am still denied, please don't fight them. I already owe you more than my life. Do not sacrifice anymore for me if I am exiled. I made a choice years ago and I must face the consequences. I will not allow anyone else to suffer for my actions. Will you promise me that?"

"I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

It was early in the evening. Trevelyan had invited me to share dinner with the rest of his friends. I was not fond of the experience we had earlier, but felt I owed it to him to try and fit in with others. He asked if I had any friends that I would like to invite. I said no, but he started asking about my former master from Dantooine.

"I checked the archives and found that Master Kolchak has been instructing here for the last three years. He survived the war."

He grinned in almost utter glee. "That's great! Have to talked to him?"

"My master and I... we didn't part on the best of terms. I think it would be best if we didn't open old wounds."

Trevelyan looked at me, confused. "I think he'd be glad to see you again. I don't know why you haven't spoken to him yet."

"The last thing he said to me was... that he despised me." I collected my thoughts and tried to hide my true feelings. "It took me a long time to get over that. I'd rather just leave it be."

My head had been down, but he put his hand under my neck to bring my chin up. I was still not comfortable with being touched… even then I flinched and pulled back. Trevelyan looked as if he were going to assure me that everything would be alright, despite not knowing for certain. Sure enough, he tried. "I think he just said that in the heat of a moment. I'm sure that he truly cared for you and was just angry when you decided to leave the Order... or join the Sith"

I looked straight at him and shook my head. "No. He meant what he said... and he had every reason to. I've spent the last four years hating him… his feelings were probably mutual. I think it would be best if we just forgot about each other"

"Do you still have him?" Trevelyan gave me some look with his eyes that I couldn't describe accurately, but I believed he was expecting that I would answer like a jedi would. Problem was that I was far from the jedi he saw me as.

I waited for a long moment as I tried to convince myself that I was… jedi enough to let go of my feelings. In the end, I knew the truth and didn't lie to myself or to him as I reluctantly nodded. I did, however have enough sense to realize that my hate was undeserved and tried to show at least that much to him. "I know that he was only trying to help me, but I still can't forgive him."

Trevelyan put his hands on my shoulders in friendly manner… at least gently enough that I didn't flinch. After a few seconds of trying to comfort me, he asked what happened between me and Alfred when I left the order. Although I was willing to tell him things that I've never said to anyone, there was only so far I would go on certain subjects. "It's complicated... and I'm sure it wouldn't interest you."

"I asked, didn't I?"

His persistence was getting frustrating and I quickly went from my calm demeanor to an outburst of anger. "Don't you ever get sick of asking me questions?! I don't want to talk about it!" I slapped away his hands and turned my back to him. Although I expected to hear yet another demand for an answer, he remained silent. I soon knew that he would not let the matter go and try almost every tactic on me until I spit it out, so I just exhaled an exasperated sigh and turned back. "You'll keep bothering me until I tell you. You're too mulish."

He gave me a proud smile and said, "It's a gift." That frustrated me even further.

"Fine! If you really want to know... the reason why I hated my master was that he restrained me more than anyone else."

His somewhat prideful smile changed to genuine concern. He likely just expected an irrational answer that he could easily fix by. I could tell I tripped him up with a genuinely difficult issue, but he tried regardless, "Restrained you? How?"

I turned away again, but only to hide my facial expression as I delved into the past. "He would not let me choose my own path. I remember that I wanted to be a guardian, but he seemed more interested to mold me into his own image as a watchman. That in itself was not enough... he always recited the jedi code to me. He kept telling me that my anger was too close and that I was too dependent on such animal instincts..." I took a deep breath. "I know that he was only trying to help me, but I've spent the last four years hating him. I'm not comfortable with just crawling back and admitting that I was wrong… that often leads people to believe that they were right." I shrugged my shoulders as if to say I didn't know the answer, myself. "I was wrong, but so was he and many others… I just don't want to open old wounds and ask that you respect that."

He reluctantly nodded. "I just ask that you consider something: how do you think he feels about you… that you turned away from the sith?"

"I... hurt him when I chose to join the sith. I only wanted to see action done… to stop slavery, but he considered it a betrayal. I just wanted to leave the Jedi quietly, but he tried to stop me." I started to feel tears forming behind my eyes and focused on calming my emotions, but the subject was painful to remember. "We started attacking each other's beliefs… it escalated to lightsabers." I inhaled very deeply and my voice began to break up. "He disarmed me and told me that Omeesh didn't break me... I had destroyed myself." The memories became too painful to hide, so I turned my back and tried to end the conversation. "If I wanted to damn myself... and you know the rest. Please… I don't want to talk about this anymore."

He extended his hand above my shoulder as if to comfort me, but held it there until he realized that the best thing was to give me privacy. He didn't say anything else; he left me to deal with it alone.

-----

Later that evening, Trevelyan took me to a restaurant called 'The Neutron Star.' It seemed to be of a much higher quality than the bar we were at earlier. There, we rendezvoused with everyone from earlier today and a few whom I've never met before. He introduced me to the entire crew of the Ebon Hawk and tried to ease their perception of me. Despite the diversity of the people he traveled with, I was the most dissimilar of any of them. Even Trevelyan seemed to go better with the corsage of the Ebon Hawk's crew than I.

Even before we were seated, Trevelyan began talking to his friends and maintaining a conversation about their journey. It was difficult for me to be part of it since I was not among them during their mission. It didn't matter much since I barely payed any attention to what they were said anyway.

I couldn't care less about Mission's inept sibling that abandoned her and himself. There I was trying to make amends for my past deeds while that idiot kept receiving from the sister who should have thrown him to a pack of kath hounds… or left him to his own demise. Admirable as it was, Mission did him no service by bailing him out; he chose his path and should have been left to fend for himself. The only thing that kept me from saying that was how much I deserved to die at Trevelyan's hand.

I noticed that I was not the only one who was silent for most of the event; Bastila, Juhani, and Zalbar barely uttered anything. They only spoke up when Trevelyan brought them into the conversation and only what was minimally necessary. I did catch that one of their crew was not present, but often Trevelyan did impersonations of a man he called 'Jolee.'

The conversation eventually started taking a chronological pattern that went from one world to another in their journey. When they started talking of Korriban, Trevelyan insisted that I tell the story, since that was 'my chapter' of their saga. He didn't seem to understand that I wasn't fond of explaining how I betrayed him and took joy at the deaths of his competitors, but I told them what happened. I even told them of my reasons... it made most of them uncomfortable. If I had betrayed Trevelyan in such a manner, what was to stop me from doing an equally malicious deed? That likely was on their minds.

I did try to defend my actions though. "There are not supposed to be friends among the Sith. All too often, trust leads to betrayal and death."

"That's terrible! How do the sith coexist with each other?" Mission asked.

"They don't. The strong survive and the weak perish. I was not really one of the strong ones... I just knew how to get those above to trust me... and when to betray them."

"There is no honor in turning on allies. If you lack the strength or cunning to directly confront your enemy, you don't deserve victory. Malak was inferior to Revan in almost every way… by turning on him, he only weakened the Sith by killing a great leader and stealing a title he most certainly did not deserve. It's ultimately a self destructive method of life." Canderous directed his comment at me, likely trying to invoke shame upon me.

I looked at Trevelyan, trying to change the subject. "How do the Jedi High Council get selected? I know that there are certain criteria they must meet, but I could see many more qualified to lead the Order who are ignored."

"What do you mean? Who do you think could be better leaders than those who are most trusted?" Trevelyan asked.

"Trust isn't everything; they must also have the experience… that's part of where trust must be earned. Of all the Council, only one had actually taken a proper role in the Mandalorian Wars. Most of the others have not faced the cruelties of war, poverty, slavery, or terrorism. Instead, they spend most of their time isolated from the rest of the galaxy and are… quite literally ignorant of social problems that lie outside the Order. How can they be the 'strongest' leaders if they do not know about the conflicts in which they were chosen to handle?"

Bastila answered. "They are regarded as the wisest of the jedi because they have not been exposed to events that invoke emotions and impair judgment…"

I interrupted. "I think their judgment is impaired because they are isolated. How could one expect to lead if they do not know how to conform to their followers?" I asked.

Bastila replied with a tone of agitation. "What do you mean 'conform to their followers'? If you had allowed me to finish my sentence, I would have said the Council are meant to stand apart from the other jedi in order to ensure their wisdom is not influenced by anything that would impair their judgment." She made hand gestures that emphasized her point by using an imaginary scale. "They receive exceptional treatment that other jedi do not, but that is because they must be exceptionally dedicated to the code. We must be able to look upon them and trust that they know what's best. They must also be able to act without having to give proof every time they make a decision. Their commitment to the Order should be proof enough."

"That's just what I mean." I sighed and tried to explain just how flawed that last statement was. There is more to leadership than simply living by a code. The Council may be the most selfless jedi there are, but if they do not know war, lived among the impoverished, or understand the wickedness of slavery; how could they be expected to lead without such wisdom?"

Trevelyan backed my side of the argument, likely to appease me. "I agree with that assessment. I think that firsthand experience is critical for any leader. When the Council rejected the Republic's request for aid, they should have known that the majority of the Order would have been strongly opposed to such orders… yet they never gave a valid reason for their judgment."

Bastila loosely crossed her arms just enough to embolden her side of the debate. "The Council did. They didn't believe the true threat had revealed itself and needed time to evaluate the situation. Then Revan and Malak went rouge and stopped that from happening."

"That is a circular argument and you know it!" I suddenly shrieked in anger. She was clearly just a pawn of the Council or refused to understand their part in the last two wars. "It was because the Council refused to do what was necessary that Revan defied them. Even now, after all that's happened, the Council continues to boast that Revan and all who followed him caused much more destruction than what the Mandalorians could ever have done."

Canderous jumped into the conversation. "My people would have crushed the Republic if it hadn't been for Revan. Had he not taken control, it is very likely that the Mandalorian Empire would have eventually occupied the Republic Core Worlds. Instead of hundreds or even thousands of worlds, less than a dozen were lost under Revan's leadership." He turned his attention to Bastila. "You might want to remind your Council that the worlds lost during the Mandalorian War would have been destroyed anyway, but their sacrifice safeguarded the entire Republic." Then he sat back and crossed his arms in self-confidence. "Your Council has no right to scold Revan because he was not afraid to do what they could not."

Bastila shook her head briefly. "It wasn't fear that kept them out of the war; they simply believed it was more important to identify the true threat before we committed ourselves to yet another war so soon after Exar Kunn. They urged caution, but would not have allowed the Republic to fall… they knew the situation as well as anyone."

Trevelyan went directly against that statement. "No, they didn't… or at least there's nothing I've seen which supports that theory." He put his hands together to gesture for his explanation. "When the Mandalorians first invaded, the Republic requested the aid of the jedi. The Council rejected their request…"

Bastila interrupted again to defend the Council. I wanted Trevelyan to express his opinion without her disrupting him again and again. I hissed with resentment. "Be silent, whelp! Trevelyan is speaking; not you."

Everyone's eyes were on me again, but I was glad to have their attention. As much a sith I may have been, they at least saw that I regarded Trevelyan very highly and could stand for someone other than myself. My outburst was not appropriate for the situation, but I at least got a point across that I was still like a sith, but was still loyal to my friends.

Trevelyan looked more uncomfortable than anyone else. He looked at Bastila as if to silently say 'sorry' and then focused on me. "It's alright. If Bastila knows something that I don't, I welcome the opinions of all my friends."

"She didn't seem to respect yours; otherwise she would have let you speak it."

Bastila explained. "Trevelyan was speaking of a very sensitive subject. That's why I interrupted, not because I don't respect his opinion, but because he must have faith in the Council. Debates such as these should be avoided because they spark intense feelings and are ultimately self-destructive."

"Self-destructive? We were talking about a subject that's been on everyone's mind for only the last decade. I think that it's important to analyze the past and consider the choices we made to better understand ourselves and where we are." I lectured.

"Then why do you talk about the High Council's decisions? Any judgment you make would be inaccurate because you don't know the whole truth… and it's not our place to cast judgment on them." She claimed.

"Then who does?"

She was caught surprised by the question and tried to conjure an answer. "The jedi within the Order are ultimately the ones who the Council represents. They are to the Order like a master is to an apprentice. They are not judged as you think, but they ultimately take responsibility for the successes or failures of their teachings. Revan's betrayal is a prime example of that."

I was silent for a long moment, as were the others, but I didn't believe she knew what she was talking about. "So… when the Council makes a mistake, the Order suffers the consequences?"

"Everyone is affected; not just jedi like…" She almost referred me as a jedi, but paused to say something else. "…everyone involved suffers the consequences. When Revan became a Sith lord, the Council faulted themselves as greatly as those who turned on them." She started displaying signs of guilt and sadness tied to a source of anger that she kept well hidden, but it was there. "We… all of us… should have trusted in the their wisdom. It wasn't Revan that brought all this about; it was because we didn't give them the support they needed."

She looked close to tears. Behind the anger within Bastila was extreme emotional trauma. When I believed she was going to start weeping, she shook her head as if to clear away unwanted thoughts and got hold of herself again. I tried not to stare, considering that I was going through the same phase as well, but it was difficult to imagine one so dedicated to the jedi to appear so fragile. I knew that she had gone through a week of endless torture under the brutal heel of Malak… likely beyond anything I've ever endured, but it was difficult to see her struggle to maintain self control.

Trevelyan tried to put his arm around her, but she pushed him away. Everyone's eyes quickly shifted away from me, not all towards Bastila, but I was no longer the center of their attention. I could see the concern in some of their expressions, but Juhani and Carth diverted their eyes away as if to respect her feelings.

After a moment of silence, she reestablished her calm demeanor. Then she slowly stood out of her chair and pushed it under the table. Under her breath, she mumbled, "Please excuse me." Then she turned her head in Trevelyan's direction as if to part ways, but I think she had glanced at me… he was just in the way. I couldn't tell for sure, but she appeared to make eye contact with me before turning to leave.

Trevelyan looked over his shoulder for a brief moment before he also got up to follow the young woman. He nodded at me and then to the others to silently excuse himself and went after her.

I didn't like the silence that had befallen upon the others after he walked away. I knew that there was much weighing on their minds, but no one had the courage to just speak it. They were clearly not comfortable with me being in their presence without Trevelyan and I wasn't very fond of their company either, so I also stood up to leave.

After pushing in my chair, I chose a direction and just walked away. Juhani was the only one to feign any concern for my departure. "Wait, are you leaving?"

I was clearly not following Trevelyan, so it would have seemed that I was just ditching them. I simply wanted to wait somewhere else until he returned. They didn't want me among them and I didn't want to be with them either, so I figured I'd pacify my time at the bar. "No… just getting a drink." That was enough to satisfy the question and no one seemed to care one way or another… just as long as I was somewhere else.

As I walked through the crowd, I kept seeing the same fear that I've come to expect ever since I became a sith. It was nice enough for everyone to step aside when I walked by, but with fear often came suspicion and resentment. Master Uthar once said that it didn't matter what everyone else believed… it was better to be feared than loved.

For some reason, that advice didn't give me any comfort... if they didn't matter, then what good was the fear I invoked? Although fear was better than persecution, I just wanted to ignore and be ignored by everyone else. I knew that wasn't an option, given that I was an alien almost everywhere I go. The only place I knew that didn't discriminate other races was where they discriminate those touched by the darkside.

After taking a seat at the bar, I sighed in great depression. I was under a lot of stress and extremely anxious about the life I have chosen. Either I would be forgiven and put back to work with everyone else looking down on me, or I would be rejected and be free to do whatever I wanted. As much as I would like the second option, I really just want to find some peace of mind. Only Trevelyan and the jedi could make that possible.

My back was to the bartender. "Can I get you something?"

I turned around and startled her. She didn't say anything, but couldn't move from her spot.

She asked a question and I gave my answer. "Romulan ale."

She nodded and rushed to get my drink as if her life depended on getting it to my hand in ten seconds. I found it amusing to watch her make the fastest drink she's ever done in her life. When she was putting a bottle back on the shelf, it wasn't properly set down and pivoted around and fell. When she heard the bottle roll off, she gasped in horror.

I was aware of the accident, so I grabbed the bottle with the force and placed it back on the shelf. The Bartender was breathing heavy and relieved that it didn't shatter on the floor. She handed me my drink. "Thanks. This is on the house."

"On the house?"

"Yes. Thanks for catching that bottle; it would've come out of my salary."

"Uh... thanks."

She stared at my tattoos for a brief moment before returning to her duty and taking care of other customers. I thought about how terrible it must have been for someone to have to pay for drinks spilled, dropped, or other mistakes. That bottle was worth about 35 credits and she would have had to work an entire day to pay that off. The thing that I found maddening was that the restaurant likely paid 20 credits and charged more to make a profit.

I hated it when merchants try to cheat their customers or employees by paying debts with 'store credit' as I have heard. Legally, they have compensated the ones they've cheated, but in the end, the merchant comes out ahead. Hutts were among the worst merchants ever there were.

After clearing my thoughts, I took the ale and swigged it down. I was not much for the taste of the drink as I was for its potency, so it was downed in one gulp. Then I just waited with my eyes closed as if I were meditating. I was just trying to shut out everyone around me and seclude myself within the deepest recesses of my mind as the alcohol ran its course. Everything around seemed to drift away as if I were going into a trance, but I was just cutting myself off from reality.

Before I ordered my second drink, Trevelyan had come up from behind and sat in the barstool next to me. It had been about 10 minutes since he and Bastila walked away, so he likely had come to bring me back to the group. "Our food has been served."

"I'm not hungry."

He nodded and layed his arms in front with his fingers intertwined. I knew he was going to start spouting off about something he didn't understand. "Do you want to leave?"

I raised my head at hearing such a direct question. That was exactly what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to just explicitly tell him that I wouldn't bother with his friends. They were important to him and I felt I owed it to him to get along. I couldn't just ignore them, or even that would have been offensive. After staring at him for a moment, I felt that I at least needed to know how to deal with a significant issue. "Your friends only tolerate me because of you. I don't think they want me there."

He pivoted on the barstool to rest his elbows on the counter and face the crowd behind us. He looked so relaxed and so at peace with himself that I was envious that it came so easily. "They don't know you. All they know is that you were a sith master. Surely you knew how others would react." He turned his head to face me over his shoulder. "After they learned I was Revan, even my closest friends acted differently than before that. They'd known me for months and yet they were almost afraid to get into an argument with me."

"I don't think they fear me so much as they distrust me. That's not what I have an issue with. It's that they treat me like they would you, except that..." I sighed in frustration at not being able to describe exactly what was bothering me. It didn't make sense even to me. "They obviously don't trust me, but they trust you enough to..." I couldn't explain it and got exasperated.

Trevelyan gently placed his hand on my right shoulder to provide me some much-needed comfort. "What did you expect? Surely you knew what you were committing yourself to."

"I know, but I wasn't really expecting so much difficulty with simply co existing with the other jedi. I had... assumed that I could leave my past life behind forever." I sighed as if exhausted. "This whole thing is more difficult than I ever thought. There is just so much I have to overcome. I don't know if I can make it."

His arm extended from one shoulder to the other and he pulled me closer to him. Although he was trying to comfort me, I felt trapped by how he held onto my shoulder and batted his arm away. He understood and withdrew.

A long moment of silence passed before he kept the conversation alive. "I remember what you said about how you became a sith... you wanted to use the force to fight slavery. Is that still what you want?"

I lifted my head, having realized that I had forgotten that goal yet again. My mind had been so fixated on returning to the jedi that I had already forgotten about Sleheyron. "I think... I have to help myself first before I can help others."

He nodded as if to silently tell me that's exactly why I was on Couriscant. "Please come back to the table. Don't worry about saying anything; the rest can talk enough for the both of us."

I gave him a sardonic smile. "Your friends don't want me there. I don't want to be there..."

"I want you to be there. The High Council is still debating your acceptance and I want you to get as much support as possible from other jedi. If you don't want to talk, then just listen and it could go a long way."

I sighed weakly. "Very well, but I don't want you pulling me into any conversation... agreed?"

"I won't, but you are welcomed to speak of anything you want and I hope you do."

Bastila had returned with Trevelyan before he retrieved me, so no one was absent from the event. Although there was constant chatter throughout the course of the meal, I had not participated and really didn't pay any attention to what the others spoke of. There was a point when Carth spoke of his son, Dustil Onasi, but I was not addressed at all. I had not really wanted to be included, but being ignored was discouraging.

The food was much better than anything I've had in a long time, but I was anxious to leave after we were done eating. The wookie was the last to finish his course and I expected the event was over after that, but the chatter continued well afterward. No one had anything left to do but talk... and that's what they did for half an hour before they finally came across a topic that I was interested in.

Carth had been discussing what he thought of Revan and Malak while the Jedi were still not involved with the Mandalorian wars. "I think that if there were a moment that I were really afraid of losing everything... not just my world, but for the entire Republic, it was when the Jedi refused to aid the Republic when they were needed most. The idea that the Jedi had abandoned us was almost like... they were too afraid to resist." He had difficulty articulating what it must have been like to watch your heroes give in to fear. "I know that wasn't what happened, but that's what it seemed."

Bastila answered to that. "The Jedi wouldn't have allowed the Republic to be destroyed if we could help, but the Council believed there was a greater threat that hadn't revealed itself. The Republic's request for aid wasn't ignored; they simply believed that rushing into battle was premature."

"The Mandalorians had been threatening the Republic for almost a decade before they officially invaded. They had more than enough time to assess the threat; they weren't going to stop until they were victorious or defeated. If it weren't for Revan and the other Jedi, I don't see how we could have held out; let alone beat them back."

Bastila looked at him smugly. "I can't deny that Revan saved the Republic from the Mandalorians, but through his conquests came another war that cost many more lives than the first and nearly destroyed the Republic." She glanced at Trevelyan, but looked back to Carth. "He had redeemed himself, but ultimately caused much more harm than if he had trusted in the wisdom of the Council. In the end, the Mandalorian wars proved to be the perfect propaganda to rally other jedi to defy their teachings."

I was almost infuriated at hearing such accusations against Trevelyan. I may have deserved to be told such things, but he certainly deserved more respect than that. My silence suddenly boiled into rage and I shouted at Bastila. "You are a damned fool! You have no right to make such judgments!"

Everyone's attention was once again on me. Trevelyan was quite surprised to not only hear me, but to that I would start shouting. He must have assumed I went berserk and grabbed me as if to keep me from lashing out. I thought I was fully in control, but my anger went much deeper than I believed. "Please! Calm down!"

"Lies! She knows nothing of you!"

His grip on me tightened to become painful and he got out of his seat to pin me into my chair and was less subtle with his words. He commanded me, "Stop this! Restrain yourself!"

I don't know why, but hearing him shout impacted me more greatly than when he had whispered to me in the Council Chamber. Instead of trying to calm me, Trevelyan restrained me... which could have escalated my fury even further.

After a brief moment of resisting, his shouting profoundly impacted me and reminded me of why I was being held down. Trevelyan was keeping me from lashing out again... he was holding me back because I couldn't do it myself. And that thought was enough for me to regain control.

My eyes were closed and I was trying not to think of anything except to do as he wanted of me. There was almost complete silence except for the majority of the people seated elsewhere, but even several of them fell silent. It was a very unusual thing to feel peace such a time, but Trevelyan's harsh words forced my anger back into check.

I felt him loosen his grip and then let go of me completely. I felt so helpless that I didn't want to be with him in front of his friends. I felt so embarrassed that I didn't want to reflect on him any more than I already have. Once he let me go, I slowly stood up and walked away. Everyone who had witnessed what happened stepped aside as I exited without saying another word. I was on the verge of crying, but held back my tears until I found solitude in the Enclave.


	7. Chapter 7

I have often been told stories about the room of a thousand fountains, but never feigned much interest in the location. It didn't seem anything spectacular... an enormous hall with running water channeling from a thousand spigots didn't seem that remarkable to me. It was where jedi often went to meditate because the incredible flow of water masked the background noise of Couriscant.

On a heavily populated planet like Couriscant, the force aura from billions of sentient beings was very strong, but extremely chaotic. Although jedi could not normally feel the presence of a non-force user much more than a few kilometers away, the millions who were crammed within those few kilometers of the Temple created a background noise that made it difficult for a force-user to center herself.

The force to a jedi could be compared almost exactly like physical noise to an ear. Although you may have only a few sources of noise, such as traffic, construction, and people; it was more disruptive than hundreds of annoying sounds going on in an instant. While the millions around shut out all hope for silence, at least there wasn't as rapid a change as could be expected if you were alone with a few individuals quickly changing from silent to shouting. When one shouted on Couriscant, it was eclipsed by the grey noise of everything else around.

Still, that grey noise wasn't the same as genuine silence. Despite the background, there were constantly noises that peaked above everything else; sounds that could be discerned. It was just that it happened so often that people could just get used to it. Force users had a similar issue with background force noise. The influence that a population had on the force was always present and could not be masked as easily as sound. Physical noise could be reduced with noise-canceling devices; the room of a thousand fountains was the closest thing to silencing the force that came from outside the temple. Jedi often went there to center themselves away from the chaos of Couriscant.

For some reason, I felt that if ever there were a time I needed to center myself, it was after that little episode with Bastila. I was so embarrassed that I came so close to losing all control over listening to what she believed. I also had a lot of tears to shed and I thought I might have been able to cover them up more easily if I were surrounded by water. If anyone saw me, then they would just believe that I dunked my head into one of the fountains... not that I was shedding tears.

The Temple was unusually empty; so vacant that I let go of my emotional control well before reaching the hall. Since no one was around to see me in such a pathetic state, I could leave myself open. If I were on Korriban, tears would have been the greatest thing to see in an enemy's eyes. It wasn't as significant anymore, but I still didn't like showing off that I was emotionally broken. At least I was at liberty to do so without fearing being caught. What would a jedi have done if they saw me... pity me?

Once I was in the vast hall, I was astounded at the sight of what I've heard of, but never really have pictured. The experience was so intense that I almost forgot about the reason why I came in the first place. The sound of the rushing water was so soothing, yet so chaotic that it seemed like I had left reality and stepped into a... pleasant existence. It was like being drunk, but I was not shutting out my own thoughts.

All the water rushing around seemed to block the thoughts and feelings of everyone outside the room. The grey noise of the water was gentle on my ears while the disturbance of all the droplets splashing into the fountains clouded everything outside myself. The sensation was like I was alone, but not isolated from everything else as I was when I returned to Korriban.

I approached one of the largest fountains... it was an elaborate design that sunk into the floor like a pool. It had a nozzle in the center that towered over the center of the bowl. It spread the water like a blanket from the center to the edge... creating a dome that mirrored the shape of the bowl. It was a perplexing sight of emptiness over the surface of the suspended water and the transparent dome that encompassed the bowl. It was clearly not solid, but the water did not disperse like a waterfall until it hit the edge of the bowl and into the pool... I could even see my reflection in the transparent dome of running water.

I don't know if I were mesmerized, or simply had too much to drink, but I stepped under the wall of water and into the fountain. The sudden temperature change left me gasping as what normally happened when one was submersed in water, but it was a strangely welcoming feeling. It almost felt like I was washing away the filth of the sith that my body was encrusted with.

The water was about 20 degrees Celsius, below a comfortable temperature, but it felt good when I felt the bite of cold after years of enduring the constant burn of Korriban's hot, dry air. It also seemed to focus my mind like a literal splash of cold water on my body and soul. After several seconds, I couldn't stand the feeling any longer and realized that I shouldn't have drenched everything I had on.

I climbed out of the fountain and rolled onto my back as I realizing how stupid I was to just step into bone-chilling water without even taking off my cloak... I should have known I would be freezing without anything dry to wrap myself in. Everything I had on was drenched. Standing or walking felt even colder than just laying still, so I layed on my back and just let my mind go where it wanted. For some reason, the extreme cold was even more disorienting and left me wondering where Yuthura Ban was in all this.

Just a few days ago... more like two weeks... I was sure about who I was and where I wanted to go with my life. Then this human entered my life and developed an interest in me... I didn't know if it was like an enemy examining another for weakness, but I felt almost comfortable telling him of who I really was. I had hoped that he would tell me I was doing the right thing, but instead asked if I believed the things I told him of... that compassion was why I couldn't advance among the sith.

When I realized that it was because of compassion that I was holding on, I knew that I had lost myself. The question I wanted to know was whether it happened five years ago or when I was in Naga Sadow's tomb. It might also have been that I never knew myself at all.

I didn't know how long I layed there, but I soon heard footsteps approaching. When I realized someone was there with me, I forced myself to my feet, encumbered by the wet robes. After a few seconds of struggling to my feet, I was confronted by Master Vandar.

I could only imagine how I must have appeared to him... a fallen sith soaked from being in one of the fountains; the one who wanted to be a jedi. He must have assumed my mind was maladjusted... I was thinking that as well. I also couldn't help but imagine looking like a child. Although I was compared to him, I certainly should have been more mature than how I presented myself.

He and I stared at each other for a long moment before he finally said the first words. "The fountains are to help jedi center themselves... I suppose we each have our own way about doing that."

I didn't know how he expected me to respond. He might have found it amusing, but he may have simply found me pitiful and misguided. I just kept silent and waited for him to scold or laugh at me.

He crossed his arms in a fairly relaxed manner and came closer as if to just chat. "Perhaps you just tripped and fell in?" He said in a jocular tone.

I didn't respond.

He nodded as if I had answered. "I'm sorry, are you mute?"

After a moment of hesitation, I finally answered. "I... speak basic. You know that."

He smiled as if glad that I didn't have my voicebox destroyed and didn't have to use more difficult methods to speak to me. "You didn't say much when you addressed the Council today. I suppose I assumed that you had been punished when you went back to Korriban or something. You've barely spoken at all since you've been here."

Again, I hesitated to answer. "I suppose that whenever I do, I'm either ignored or condemned for existing."

"It's not that simple. I admit that Masters Vrook and Atris were a bit too dismissive towards you, but that doesn't change the fact that you willingly left the jedi so many years ago. To side with an enemy that went against everything the jedi stood for... that is not just something we can overlook."

I let my head drop in shame, but nodded in complete agreement.

"But I would like to understand more about you... not so much your personal history, but rather who exactly is making the request to be retrained."

"What? How do you mean that?"

He shrugged his shoulders as if to say 'I don't know... anything?' Then he walked within a meter of me and stared at the foot of my cloak, dripping water onto the floor. "Have you been formally given quarters?"

I tilted my head down at the tiny master at my feet and shook my head very subtly.

He stepped back and placed his hands behind his back. "Then perhaps you would like to change into some dry cloths; and then we could talk further?"

I was not really in the mood to talk, but he did extend an invitation that would have been rude to reject, so I compliantly nodded my head.

"Then follow me and I'll take you to some guest quarters." He said as he turned to lead on.

I found it odd that he was offering to make me feel welcome at the same time that he likely intended to dismiss me when I met with the Council tomorrow. I didn't like how he was so two-faced as to extend welcome, but secretly had no intent to deliver more than just a short stay for me at hotel. The temple wasn't exactly that, but guests were always given the same services anywhere.

As I followed, I was irritated that we were walking at a very slow pace. I knew it was because Master Vandar was less than half my height, so I kept a proper respect and just let him lead on. It was bitterly cold to walk with soaking cloths, so I was anxious to just get there... but since I didn't even know where the quarters were, I knew I couldn't speak of my discomfort. Suddenly, hypothermia was not as desirable as before I got wet.

Then I came to wonder about the guest arrangement that Vandar had just provided. Did the jedi always have rooms, food, and clean clothing ready at all times? So I asked, "Master... from my experience, you always seem to have accommodations ready for everyone at a moment's notice. Are there always quarters just ready for anyone, or have some just been prepared for me?"

He didn't turn around or slow down. "There are always a few rooms always ready, but some things are readied only after the room is occupied. There won't be any food; you'll have to tend to yourself. There some change of cloths, but only very basic garb. We'll provide, but this isn't a hotel, so don't expect for any exceptional treatment."

I wasn't intending to ask for more than the basics, but hearing him define the limitations was a bit unwelcoming... as if he expected me to ask for room service and expensive 'goodies' so that he could say the jedi are not to be taken advantage of.

When we were in front of one of the vacant guest quarters, he gestured to the door. "These will be where you will stay. You can change and remain or you can return to the hall of a thousand fountains. I'll be there if you want to talk."

I looked at him oddly. "You didn't come here to stay?"

"I want to center myself in the hall... I am going to. If you wish keep talking, you may do so while I'm there. As for now, I assume you've been provided for?" He said in a very straightforward manner.

I felt brushed off just then. When Vandar had been leading me, I was not under the impression that he was just dealing with me so he could have his solace in the Hall. I thought that he wanted to speak to me, but then I realized that he was simply saying I could approach him if I wanted. Then I answered honestly, "I don't want to be more disruptive; I just want to ignore and be ignored. Why is that so hard to find here of all places?"

He started walking away, but kept his head fixed on me as he spoke. "If that is indeed what you seek, Yuthura, then you have come to the wrong place; a jedi is never alone. If you wished to be ignored, then you should realize that your past actions have forced certain consequences upon you." He turned his head away as well, but stopped a few paces and turned his attention back to me. "If you seek the jedi in order to leave your past behind, it would be no different than when you refused to let go of your anger from past deeds. If you won't let go of your feelings for your past, then why would you expect others to do the same for you?"

I was suddenly enraged that he would compare me to Omeesh. "Because I didn't hurt any of you! You act as though I personally turned on every jedi... the only one I indeed tried to kill is the only one defending me!"

The next moment was filled with thunderous silence... Vandar looked at me with almost a new-found respect, but more likely with greater admiration for Trevelyan. I assumed that Vandar knew about my treachery against the jedi who lead me away from the sith, but it clearly was not known just how much that was staked on me.

I had a few tears than poured from my eyes, but my forehead was still wet, hiding them like sweat streaming down my face. After nearly an eternal moment, I turned to enter my quarters and locked the door behind me. Somehow, I felt that if I were ever going to get sympathy from Vandar, I had to make him wonder why Trevelyan supported me. That way, he would look to him instead of me when he cast judgment.

I did not know whether to expect to hear my door chime or not, but I was left alone to my chaotic emotions. As much as Vandar was judging me, I knew that he was right about how I expected others to deal with my past if I continued to harbor anger and hate for past crimes against me. I did have my own crimes to deal with, but I still thought it was unfair to compare the anger for my actions as a sith to that of my anger for slavery.

Omeesh was dead, so my anger truly was directed at something I could not change. Before I stabbed him, that anger had a purpose, but afterwards... it was just poison in my veins. There might have been a purpose for fighting slavery, but that was not why I couldn't let it go. I followed the darkside to try and burry that pain with hatred. Once I knew that couldn't work anymore, I chose to do what I was afraid to all my life.

Master Vrook once told me that it was important to understand that all people were entitled to their opinions... and that I had to respect those beliefs even when I didn't agree with them. He claimed that my feelings were unjust because I refused to respect something that I didn't agree with. I didn't simply ignore what he said, but I could never respect a belief that didn't respect the rights of others.

Even after everything that's happened, I would never accept that anger directed against slavers was unjust... people who didn't respect the rights of their victims were as vile as the sith. I had never sunk to their level of apathy... never. It was important that everyone realize that I had never become a true sith because I never surrendered my compassion.

For all that I had become, I never crossed the line in which separated me from the evil I vowed to fight.


	8. Chapter 8

After the confrontation with Bastila, I went back to Trevelyan's quarters. He looked at me very with a stoic expression. "How bad was it?"

I tilted my head to the side as if not interested in hearing him ask a question he obviously already knew. "You tell me. You're the one with the force bond."

He shrugged his shoulders almost with shame. "I wasn't expecting that she could have read me so easily. Since she turned, understanding each other through our bond has been difficult." He sighed in disappointment. "At least it means she's still making progress."

"Good for her." I whispered in a sardonic tone and turned my back to him.

He recognized that I was troubled. "Seriously, what happened between you two?"

A paced around for a few seconds as I tried to speak without anger. "I don't know if I could trust anything she said, but she said she hated me for poisoning others and turning 'champions of the jedi' against the Order. She also tried to shame me with my deeds, but..." I turned to look in Trevelyan's eyes. "... I think that she helped me deal with some of my guilt."

He smiled and stepped towards me. "So you two are on good terms now?"

I shrugged my shoulders at the irony of his question. "Yeah right. When she tried to shame me, I realized that my crimes actually didn't extend beyond those who I helped to corrupt."

"What do you mean?"

I paused a moment to collect my thoughts. "I've helped Uthar train some of the best sith who went on to commit great atrocities. I remember one of my former students had command of a battleship that destroyed a city... millions dead. Master Javik... he was killed by, another whom I taught."

He raised his hands to gesture for me to stop. "You didn't commit those acts... it was them alone. You had nothing to do with Master Javik's death. You weren't there when that city was bombed." Then he rested his wrists on my shoulders and against my neck. "You may have been responsible for who they became, they may have become true sith anyway..."

I finished his statement. "But I will not carry the weight of their crimes as well. I have my own to deal with."

He and I shared a very tender moment as we got closer to each other. I didn't know if he were just trying to comfort me or if I reminded him of his days as the Dark Lord, but he sighed deeply and slowly backed away. I almost expected that he was going to kiss me, but when he turned away, I realized that he was a jedi... I was just a broken sith that he was nursing back to health.

Then I shook away those thoughts and realized that it was respect that I felt... and he couldn't possibly have been interested in me. It was just not possible, so I pushed those thoughts out of my mind.

When he turned to face the window, he leaned his head and arm against the glass to watch the ever-constant flow of traffic going around the temple. He let his mind wander somewhere else and forgot what was at hand.

"Hey! Jedi?" I said in a formal and direct way.

He quickly put his attention back on me. "I'm sorry. I was just remembering something... something of Malak."

"I remind you of Malak? That's flattering."

He shook his head and frowned at the comment. "No... I was reminded of just how much harm he had caused to... everyone. I remembered that as he died, he was badly wounded and asked for mercy... much like how you did when..." He sighed in pain.

"And you accepted his plea?"

He shook his head. "No. His wounds were significant enough that he was disabled and no longer a threat, but he could have been saved if I had injected him with a shot of kolto. Instead I left him on the floor struggling to breath, yet still reaching out to me like his old master."

"Begging for you to let him live?"

"No. He was admitting that I was the true master both as the Dark Lord and even more as a jedi. I think that he could have been turned, but at the time, I was just so..." He walked over to his table and pulled a chair out for me and he sat in the other. "He had murdered everyone on Taris, Telos, he brutally tortured Bastila, and had cruelly manipulated the force energies of fallen jedi... I just couldn't stand hearing him surrender after all that he made himself to be."

I looked at him with some fear in my tone. "What happened?"

He hunched over in his chair and rested his chin upon his wrists. "I didn't kill him... I just let him die. But I took a perverted delight in taunting him and telling him that he lived too long and couldn't beat me even with the Star Forge at his disposal." He sighed. "I was glad Juhani wasn't there to witness Malak's departure."

"Why?"

"Because..." He looked up at me and realized he didn't want to confess or reveal any more sensitive details. "I've said too much. I don't want to discuss that anymore."

I nodded and didn't think anything of what he said. Well I admit that it made me feel better to know that even one like him was not above tormenting the guilty. After all that he had done, I'm glad that Malak suffered at his end. If only his crimes could be alleviated as well...

Suddenly, I felt an eerie chill went down my spine. I almost smiled at hearing how Malak cowered in fear at his end, but then couldn't escape that I had done exactly what he did and been given mercy when I asked it. Malak, who had been Revan's closest friend for many years, was denied that request. My concern was clearly visible in the silence that followed.

"What's wrong?"

"Why did you spare me and not Malak?"

"What?"

"He asked for mercy and you denied it to him. I understand why you didn't give it then, but why did you give it to me? I would not have spared me."

He smirked at that. "I'm not you."

"Clearly you've proven that, but why did you spare me after doing exactly what Malak had?"

He closed his eyes as if I were ridiculous to ask such a question. When he opened them to give an assuring stare. "You and Malak were nothing alike. There is no point in looking back on what happened on Korriban. I don't hold anything against you."

"Why? You obviously took Malak's betrayal personally and he was your closest friend from long before he followed you to the Mandalorian Wars. It was never my intent to use you against Uthar. How could you possibly have acted so differently against such... to such opposite...?" My question was so difficult to word that I couldn't complete it. Frustration was clearly visible and auditable from what I couldn't articulate.

He held his hand in front of, but not directly covering my lips. "Do you remember what you said before you attacked me in the tomb?" After receiving my silence, he continued. "You said you hated yourself for your deception. 'I truly consider you my friend.' Do you remember any of that?"

I nodded dumbly and cooperatively.

"If you were a true sith, you wouldn't have said that... you would have just acted without giving it a second thought. I had my suspicions about your intentions before that, but after hearing you apologizing before that... it meant that you didn't want to throw away your compassion any more than you wanted to hurt me."

Although his words touched me very profoundly, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed that he had read me so easily when I had not wanted to expose myself on Korriban. Although I was not as fearful of Trevelyan knowing about how I thought and behaved, I wasn't comfortable hearing just how transparent I was towards him when I believed him a sith. Whether he was just that good or I was just that careless, it was uncomfortable to hear him describe how much he figured out on his own. What I told him was my choice, but what he discovered by how I acted. It made me feel smaller than I already was compared to him.

I was not proud to hear him describe how weak I was as a sith. Despite hating who I used to be, it didn't make me feel better to know how pathetic I really was as a fallen jedi. There was no strength in taking a side without the will to back them.

"I was not a very good sith, was I?"

"Or you were so strong a jedi that you never lost your compassion... and could mascarade as one of them."

I made an interesting observation. "And you, the Dark Lord... a true jedi came in and take the title away after only a few seconds."

He nodded at the irony of it and then went into deep thought. "I still don't understand why the Council was so dismissive of you. I would have believed they'd have been glad to see a sith master want to return to the Order."

"Jedi hate sith... if there is one thing that they cannot accept, it's the dark side. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that I wouldn't be accepted."

"I definitely was. Your return would have only benefited the Order."

I chuckled at the flaw in his logic. "Uh... I was not exactly the most likable padawan before then. The jedi don't train adults because their beliefs have been formed and are difficult to reshape. I was past the age of acceptance with a firm mindset almost a decade ago... I think the jedi only accepted me then because I had nowhere else to go." I kind of smiled as if finally accepting that they were right to dismiss me. "Believe me... four years of sith training hadn't improved my qualifications."

He didn't understand what I was talking about. He thought I was simply being prejudiced, but I truly had little room in me for the ways of the jedi. "I wasn't talking about that... I meant that the Council would have been able to strengthen its position over sith beliefs. Few who fall to the darkside ever turn back and the sith had attracted so many because of how many flocked to... Revan's teachings."

I found it odd that he referred to himself in the third person to avoid accepting responsibility. "You once believed in it yourself. Even you can't deny what you once were... no matter how well you redeemed yourself."

He sighed at the comment because I did not know the whole story behind him. "I am not Revan anymore... I already told you that I have no memories of before the Council programmed Alex Trevelyan upon Revan's broken mind." He frowned at me. "They say that I've redeemed myself after what I did as the Dark Lord... you can't redeem yourself by losing your identity. I never went through a phase like what you going through because I don't have anything up here..." He gestured to his forehead. "...to feel remorse because I was never Revan." He turned his back on me to pace for a few seconds. "Does that make any sense?"

"I think so. Your former identity may not have abandoned the sith ways if he were given the choice."

He smiled at hearing me say it in such a way. "Exactly! Yet the Council tells everyone that I am the Dark Lord who chose redemption after causing so many to stray from the Order. They make it seem as though Revan had chosen to come back... and those who still followed the sith teachings would be more inclined to follow him back to the light." He looked at me with some degree of guilt. "Tell me... when I said I was Darth Revan, did that inspire you to leave the sith?"

I was astonished at what he was telling me. "Yes... it was like a stronger sith and a stronger jedi were both saying the same thing. What does that have to do with me?"

He rested his hands upon my shoulders as if to proudly promote me. "You are a genuine example of what the Council makes me out to be. You have chosen the jedi completely of your own accord they should have recognized that."

I looked away with more trouble on my mind than before he had given me such praise. Although I understood his reasons for going to such efforts for me, I didn't like hearing of the Council's motives. "I think there was more to it than that. Whenever I hear of sith redeeming themselves, I know that there are many who actually reject the darkside than who are known. It's always that great sith who turn back to the light are the ones who are recognized... those you've saved are only recognized through you."

"What do you mean? I didn't save you; you ultimately saved yourself."

"What about your friend, Juhani? When she turned away from her own brush with the darkside, what happened after that?" I asked, hoping to get a better understanding of the other jedi who he traveled with.

"That is not something I discuss with others. You would have to ask her."

"It's not too intrusive; I just wondered if she had met as much hostility as I've encountered. How do I compare to others who've just fallen, but haven't turned against the Order. What would I have to do to set myself apart from you?"

"What? You're not making sense..." He held up his hands as if to gesture me to calm down. I was starting to get ahead of myself, so I shut up. "I don't think anything about afterwards will make sense or help for the current situation. Whatever happens, I'll not abandon you... just focus on the here and now, otherwise the future is irrelevant."

"You're right. I'll not put more burdens upon you if I can avoid it."

He closed his eyes as if agitated. "Just trust in yourself. Be honest with yourself and don't lash out if they are wrong. Anger will only make it worse."

I just cooperatively agreed and nodded. Then I nervously laughed to try and calm his doubts. "If anyone gets angry, it'll be Vrook."

He appreciated the joke, but clearly heard the emotion in my laugh and didn't go along with it. I felt like a damned fool at that moment because I felt like I was already prepping myself for another failure... there was little confidence in my words and didn't like escalating the tension, so I just stopped talking.

He stared at me as if to wonder why I was becoming such a nervous wreck. He didn't seem to appreciate that it got more difficult for me each time I stood in front of the masters to hear them discuss my fate. If I had no control of the outcome, it would have been bad, but easy enough to accept. The fact that I had a limited degree of influence added an almost unbearable amount of stress that I had to deal with. He recognized that I needed to relieve some of it right then. "The Council won't be in session for another few hours. You may want to relax before you see them again."

"Alone I assume?"

He shrugged his shoulders again. "It is your hearing. I only stepped in so they couldn't dismiss you again. The rest is up to you."

I tried to smile to show confidence, but I was not sure if the Council didn't truly intend to change the original verdict from the one on Dantooine. I just tried not to show how nervous I was. Trevelyan was a strong influence, but the Council rarely changed their judgment without good reason... I only hoped that Trevelyan's endorsement was enough to do that.

With about three hours before my fate would have again been determined, Trevelyan took me to see the performance of some music group. I had little interest in music, but he insisted that I come along. I was flattered at simply sharing his company, so I gladly came along.

Couriscant was rumored to have a theater complex for every planet in the Republic near the Republic Capital city state. The representatives of all the separate planets agglomerated within a ring 100 kilometers wide with the Supreme Senate chamber in the center of it all.

The Ring of the Senate stood out from the rest of the planet because there were no buildings less than 100 stories. There were no corridors for transportation tramways or monorails separating the structures like an ordinary city. All movement within that 100 kilometer-wide skyscraper was underground or rail lines tunneled through the buildings with floors stacked upon any open corridors.

The architecture of this urban space was unlike any other on the planet. Instead of skyscrapers standing next to each other with a transportation line directing speeders and monorails at the ground, every tower was built into the ones surrounding it. Transportation lines were actually built through each tower, creating an elaborate network of roads intertwined with elevators and tunnels that seem like subways which are actually suspended 500 meters above the natural ground.

I originally feared that Trevelyan intended to go into that impossibly complex maze of towers, but the monorail we were on simply took us around the perimeter of the ring and to a much simpler collection of towers that were not designed to pack as many people within as little space as possible. It was a beautiful pattern of buildings made to be seen from the outside. It was were that music group was performing.

Shortly before leaving the monorail train, Trevelyan said that Mission and Zalbar had see the band on Taris and were one of the few to escape its destruction. "Keep your eyes out for them."

"Wait... we are meeting them here? Why not at the Enclave?" I asked.

"We know where to meet. This city is easy to get lost in if you don't know your way around. If you know where you want to go, then no problems should keep you from your destination. We are here and so will they. Just wait a few minutes."

"Couriscant is impossibly difficult to get around. How do you knew all this?"

He pulled out a padd. "Just need to program a navigation tablet and it will tell you the name of the trams, elevators, and maps out the floorplan of the building you want. It's easy enough to learn if you follow the directions properly... it's all automated." Then I saw him put the tablet in his pocket. "They're here."

I looked up to see the wookie and Mission among a crowd coming in our direction. "This place is amazing! It's like the upper levels of Taris without the rich snots everywhere looking down upon us. Not everything is breathtaking, but it's nice to see aliens not being shunned all the time."

Trevelyan smiled at them and tried to respond, but the wookie roared before he could speak. I remember the urban jungle of Taris... it was so filthy and artificial. This world is so much cleaner and the inhabitants tolerant to us... I might have enjoyed living here during my Exile.

Trevelyan nodded at the wookie. "You could live here if you like, but I know you would like to return to Kassyk... it is your choice."

No. I honor my debts. Where you go, I will follow

"Excuse me, but what's going on?" I asked.

Mission answered. "Big 'Z' swore a life debt to Alec and they've been debating the issue ever since..."

'Big 'Z'' roared at Mission, but directed his gaze upon me. What I do with my life doesn't concern you, Mission! Don't speak of it again!

She fearlessly defended her position; something I would not have done with a wookie. She was either braver or more foolish than Trevelyan. "Hey! You may not owe me your life, but I think that I deserve some consideration. Wherever you are, I'll stick with you; but you don't seem to notice I've been there with you through thick and thin. Doesn't it matter?"

I've proven that you matter, Mission. Many times, I've protected you when I told you not come with us. Don't tell me that I don't care about you!

That seemed to impact Trevelyan more greatly than Mission. "Zalbar! You swore a life debt, yet when you know I would not accept your sacrifice... and I don't want to risk losing either of you. I do not doubt your intentions, but please accept that I don't want my friends to be in harm's way needlessly. Whether you like it or not Zalbar, Mission is going to be between you and the ones pointing disruptors at me. Instead of you both being in their scopes, why not just let me handle myself and not have to worry about either of you?"

Zalbar looked at Mission for a moment before glancing at me and then addressing Trevelyan again. I would, but I fear that you will keep taking foolish risks and will not be killed by the ones in front of you. At least if I stood behind, I would block you from the guns you don't see.

My jaw dropped at the implication. I was so enraged by being referred to in such a manner, but at the same time, I couldn't deny that I had already acted like he had described. I couldn't stand what he said, but knew he was right to suspect me.

Trevelyan had stepped between me and Zalbar, but I didn't intend to prove him right about me. Mission had stepped away from the two and feared that I was going to go berserk again, but knew enough to not get involved in what she couldn't handle. Her expression was more in fear of an imminent disaster than of me striking at her.

Trevelyan had his back to the wookie, but kept his eyes so that he had both Mission and I in view. "Don't... say that... again. I will not have you with me if you provoke my other friends."

She's...

"Shut up! Not another word!" He shouted, desperate to keep him from escalating the incident further.

I was not so angry as he imagined... I guess that the truth left me more ashamed than angry. "It's alright. He's just trying to protect you."

"I'm protecting him!" He shouted back to Zalbar. "I don't want you to have to keep track of everyone around me! Why do I have to keep managing adults who can't simply handle themselves, but expect me to solve their petty problems without so much as asking me before hand?!" He shouted in a rage I have not seen before. Although he was trying to avoid an incident, Trevelyan ended up acting like the sith and it stunned me to see such an outburst much like... unlike what I've come to expect from him.

He was fairly quick to realize that he was the one overreacting and Mission soon drew back in fear of her friend while I just stood in disbelief and guilt of causing him such stress. I didn't know if I felt worse about what happened on Korriban or what was happening while I had been trying to make amends for that sin.

He was quick to calm himself, but soon turned to Mission and then to me to show an expression free of emotion. I knew as well as her that Trevelyan meant what he said and was simply hiding his feelings, but they were still there. I leaned myself to one side to get in eye contact with Zalbar and did something very cruel... I tried to reap false sympathy. "Don't worry about Trevelyan, Zalbar... I couldn't kill him even if his back were to me."

Without hesitating, I turned around and left the three of them behind. Before he could stop me, I made a jump of about 20 meters to the monorail platform above us. That leap was unexpected and coordinated so I could get through the hatch of one of the trains before he could catch me. Although the area was crowded with people, I only ran over one Ithorian in those five seconds before the train was on the move again.

I didn't know where the train was going to stop, but it didn't matter as long as I was not followed. I wanted to leave Trevelyan feeling guilty so that the next time, he won't be so hostile. I was not emotionally torn, so it was a cruel thing for leaving them behind with the fear that I was out there raising hell. More likely, Trevelyan was afraid that I had lost all control of my emotion and would search for me. I was just interested in leaving a bad situation so it wouldn't get worse, so I removed my presence. His friends were also glad I was gone.

After a few hours of getting on and off trains, I eventually found the right one that lead back to the temple. It was not a complete waste of time though. It was fairly enjoyable to ride on the systems and watch the magnificent buildings as we rode through the intricate web of tracks that lead to almost everywhere on the planet. When I reached the right station, I felt much better than before I left the temple in the first place. By that time, I had already been late for my meeting with the Council. Trevelyan said it was my meeting, so I went there right away.

After rushing into the Council chamber fifteen minutes late, they were already discussing another matter went silent once I stepped into the room. Instead of being nervous, I was relieved after the rush to get back.

For nearly a moment of just staring, Master Vrook made the first statement. "You were meant to report here at 13:00 hours. If you can't take this seriously, then why should we have this hearing?"

"I just missed a train. The transportation systems is complex... I would have been here on time." I responded.

Master Vash spoke next. "We would have appreciated it if you contacted us to say you would be late."

"I will next time."

Vrook added. "If there is a next time."

Vash objected to that. "I want this to be a civil and fair trial. Yuthura Ban, do you know why you are here?"

"There are many reasons why I am here. I know then all, but will need you to iterate the most relevant issues."

Kavar stood up. "Yuthura; according to our records, you were discovered by the jedi at the age of fifteen and accepted for training by the authority of Masters Kolchak, Vandar, Vrook, and Dorak. Accepted by Master Alfred Kolchak to start your training under his guidance. For two years, your progress had been exemplary. Over the course of your third year, you've been disciplined 9 times for misbehavior and put on report twice for acting out violently towards fellow students." He tossed the pad down on a table in front of him. "We do not have any records beyond that which would constitute a criminal act. Would you tell us of what has happened in the last five years since then?"

"What do you want to know exactly?"

Atris spoke. "It is time for you to admit to the atrocities you've committed since you defected to the sith."

Vandar objected. "Atris..." Then he turned to me. "It is important that we know of your crimes, Yuthura. Much of what we know of the sith is only rumor, so we will not assume anything without confirmation from a reliable source."

"What good would that do?"

Vrook stood up. "You have asked forgiveness from the Order... we want to know for exactly what you are asking forgiveness."

I sighed in depression. "I abandoned the jedi so many years ago. I want to return and I'm willing to do whatever is required for acceptance. Just tell me what you demand of me and I'll do it."

Atris injected more false truth. "She won't even admit to her crimes. I think that she simply was too weak to be a sith and cowered away when it was convenient. She'll just do so again and not look back."

I just let the lie roll off my back. The Masters just stared at me as though to study the one standing before them. I hated the uncomfortable silence that followed, but I couldn't think of anything to break it except for a petty complaint. "Why do any of you think you have the right to judge me? I haven't directly offended any of you."

Vrook was quick to oppose that statement. "You lashed out at Atris the last time you were before us. You taught our own padawans to turn against everything that we were trying to protect. How can you say that you haven't offended the Order?"

Master Kavar stood up to get everyone's attention. "That's taking it too far, Lamar. I believe she has a valid position here."

"Haven't you been listening?! This isn't someone who simply failed, but went against our teachings! And what's worse... she's spread her own that were directly the opposite of the jedi. And through her students, countless others have been affected!"

I was getting upset by how greatly Vrook had stretched the truth, but Kavar actively put those accusations back in check. His willingness to listen was greatly valued and gave me some comfort. "You cannot hold a master responsible for the acts of their students. As for her influence on the Order..." Then he walked up to Vrook and spoke personally. "Anyone who turned to the sith chose their own fate. Coming before us to face judgment should be proof enough of what she says."

Those words were not meant for my ears, but they almost made my heart soar. It mattered so much to know that at least one of them believed me and that he stood up to Vrook... it made me feel like I was not alone.

Vrook looked at Kavar as though he were an ignorant child who was not aware of how the galaxy worked or that there would always be injustice that they can't correct. After a short moment, Vrook spoke something to Kavar through the force. I couldn't read what was said, but I could get an approximate idea of what the thought was about. I believed it was a warning to Kavar as though he were doing something against his better judgment in order to achieve a greater good.

I could only approximate what was exchanged... Vrook was way too difficult to read, but Kavar's mind was a bit more open. Describing how one spoke through the force was hard to compare to a physical sense, but like an actual whisper, the force had subtle tones that a skilled user could read. Unfortunately, it also left great uncertainty if I had misread the little signs that might not have had anything to do with greater ones.

For nearly thirty seconds of Vrook and Kavar standing up to each other in silence, eventually Kavar nodded slightly and withdrew back to his seat. I found it strange in the way Kavar turned around so that he didn't face me directly until after he sat back down. That whole silent exchange between the two seemed to reveal nothing, but at the same time opened so much more than I ever considered.

When Kavar stood up, it seemed to cause great concern for the others. They didn't show it, but I could tell that they didn't appreciate that Kavar defended me like that. Because I couldn't be sure of anything that I couldn't understand for certain, I didn't know if the Council was seriously considering me or if they simply had something they didn't want me to know. Even if they did know something, it might or might not have related to me. I just couldn't know.

After Kavar sat down, I felt like asking, but knew that Vrook certainly wouldn't have spoken through the force if he didn't want me to know. And if I had asked, he would have just told me what he wanted me to know. Instead, I tried to continue telling them why I wanted to return and hoped it mattered. "I don't know why it is so difficult for you believe my intentions. Master Kavar said my presence shows my sincerity and he's right. If I simply wanted to escape the sith, then what Atris said was correct, but it doesn't explain why I returned here though. I may have had no where else to go, but I just..." I felt that I was loosing face by spouting off, but I felt I had nothing else left to say but what I really wanted above all else. "It was because of my anger that I was able to escape my life from Sleheyron. I could never have survived that horrible world if it weren't for my anger and hate... it was what I always relied upon. It... hurts too much to keep burying my pain with anger." I released an exhausted sigh and shrugged my shoulders as if to display how pitiful and misguided I felt. "I don't care about strength and power and victory anymore... I just want to be free of all that."

Master Vandar had his head down, but perked up when he heard me admit that. "You are not the only one who has to face such challenges, Yuthura. We had offered to help you before, but you rejected us. Now we must see to others."

Where I had hoped for sympathy, I got none. Before I could fall into despair, I was given a glimmer of hope... something chimed within the room and Master Vrook tapped on an electronic pad in the right arm of his seat. He answered in an extremely grouchy tone "We're in the middle of something... what is it?"

I head over an intercom a voice, but couldn't make anything out.

Vrook looked extremely agitated. "Late, but yes, she's here. And tell him that she has been behaving." I lifted my head at realizing that I had left Trevelyan not knowing whether I was going to be all right. I felt a little better to hear him calling to check that I had not thrown away my future and missed my meeting with the Council. Vrook kept talking. "I thought he was scheduled at least an hour from now." He listened to the person on the other end again and became even more irritated. "Then we'll see him now. Show him in." He looked at me. "We've got an ambassador who's moved up his time-schedule. We'll have to deliberate on this decision later. You're dismissed."

I didn't understand how I fit in to that ambassador's mind. "Why did he ask about me?"

Vrook leaned back as if to wonder why anyone considered me important. "That was Revan showing him in... he just wanted to know if you were given a fair trail before bringing him before us." He waved his hand for me to leave. "We'll deliberate on this later... leave us."


	9. Without Hope

The Republic consisted of more sentient species than I could ever count. This ambassador Vrook spoke of was one such species that I couldn't Identify... a small, furry creature that was nothing like I expected. The majority of aliens that made up the Republic Senate were either humanoid or so strange that twi-leks seemed 'normal.' This creature was about the size of gizka and didn't look like an intelligent being at all. S/he was cute, but I couldn't let myself stare.

S/he didn't appreciate me as much because I was just like the majority of the bipedal species that made up the Republic. A little 'bunny-cat' didn't appreciate the presence of giants like we appreciated small animals of which we could hold and stroke. I knew better than to treat him in such a way; his bodyguards would not have allowed me near.

I had walked halfway through the tunnel to leave the Council Chamber when s/he came through the door on the other side. I did what I haven't done in years... step aside for a non-force user. I've yielded to more powerful individuals because they were obviously not intimidated by me. Everyone else refused to get in my way because that's it was natural to get out of a sith's way rather than risk being disrespectful. Republic ambassadors didn't do that for some reason and I knew not to assume otherwise.

The ambassador seemed less afraid than his bodyguards as he galloped by and the two humans kept their eyes on me uncomfortably hoping that they weren't expected to stand up against a jedi in their own temple. Even after I had passed them in the hallway, they kept watching me.

After I reached the door on the other side of the chamber, I expected the liberty to let go of my emotional control, away from prying eyes. I wasn't that glad to see Trevelyan waiting for me outside. Likely, he only used the 'escorting the ambassador' excuse so it appeared that he just happened to be there after I left the Council Chamber. Instead of making it explicit that he wanted to be there for me, he wanted to be in my path so that I could not ignore his presence... it was a defensive move that I understood very well. Whether you confronted an enemy or a friend, it was best to let them make the first move so that you could read their psychology and adjust to them.

I knew that he was just concerned and didn't want to ask me anything directly, but I wasn't going to be played like that again. I looked directly at him, but walked passed without a word. He didn't appreciate being ignored. "What's wrong?" He grabbed my shoulder just firm enough to silently order me to stop. "What happened?!" He said with some concern and frustration.

After that, I just stood still and didn't turn around. "I thought that you didn't want to have to manage me anymore. You have your own problems to deal with... don't worry about me."

He pulled me completely around by the shoulder and seemed to take my words as though I had admitted defeat. "What did they declare? Don't tell me they rejected you again!"

I fought the urge to hold onto a false hope, but I held myself together to keep his in tact. "They didn't make their final verdict. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I feel that I have a right to know. I didn't get any bad impressions from Vrook, so I want to know why you assume the worst."

I stared at him for a while and decided that he was more important to save than I, so I declined his help to keep his fate autonomous from mine. "Stop trying to protect me. You've committed more for me than I ever deserved and I can't escape what I've done... what I chose to do. I'm not going to hide in your shadow any longer."

"You're not hiding..."

"Then what the hell are you doing?! Ever since you entered my life, you've detracted me of all responsibility... I can't do that anymore and neither can you!" I pleaded.

He was very saddened to hear me admit that I've become dependent on him ever since we met. All that I ever did that resembled a jedi was speak like one. I have not once had to prove that I was willing to stand up for the responsibilities of my actions. He had to leave me to my fate... for my own sake.

After nearly two hours of preparing for my impending exile, Trevelyan came by my quarters. Since I didn't answer the Council when they called me for their final verdict, they contacted him instead. Although he wanted to be with me for the time during their deliberations, I wanted to get drunk more than anything else. The stress of the last few days was just too great for me to handle without alcohol.

After all that I've been through, I was not concerned anymore with the consequences that would come. The temple had a few bottles in store for its guests, so I just stole a bottle of black ale and didn't bother with a glass. It was inevitable that I would hit the floor and not rise again.

When I woke up, I was still drowned and almost completely incoherent as he leaned over me. I didn't remember inviting anyone, but he had become more concerned the more I smiled at him drunkenly. "D'you know that Master Uthar said that I was the most exciting woman he's ever known? I think that's the reason he made me his apprentice... no one would have rolled around in bed with him willingly. He was so pompous."

"I guess you were right when you said I was foolish to try and save you. The moment I leave you alone, you get so slobbering drunk...!"

I lifted my head to make eye contact. "It didn't matter anymore. I tried to be what you wanted, but they wouldn't let me... they hate me..."

He held his hand behind the back of my head. "They don't hate you..."

I shouted. "They hate me! They wanted me to lash out so they could kill me... they wanted me dead, but couldn't execute me, so they wanted me to strike at them first." I smiled drunkenly and proudly. "And I wouldn't!"

"That's right, you didn't. That's because you knew it was what you needed to do in order to return. You restrained yourself as I knew you could."

"And it was all for nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm not as strong as you think." I paused for a moment. "I don't want to go through all that again. It's over."

He kept his eyes on me as though not shaken by any of that. "It's not over. The choice to go on has been yours ever since I acted on your behalf. When the Council came to their final judgment, I told them that if they didn't find you worthy, that I no longer wanted to be a jedi."

I didn't like where that was going.

"I threw my lightsaber on the floor in front of them and told them that I wouldn't take it back until they accepted you."

I closed my eyes and let my head hit the floor. After another sigh of exhaustion, I whispered back. "Still trying to protect me... even when I say not to. You're a better jedi than I could ever be. I hate you... I hate how great you are... both as a sith and as a jedi. Nothing I've ever done has measured up to what you do as easily as breathing does to me."

"You're drunk. I should just let you rest and I'll come back later. I'll carry you to the bed."

"No. I'm telling you truth. You don't think... you just act for what you believe is right. The Council can't stand how you set the standard that much higher for them. You are the reason why I came back... I owed it to you. Every time you sacrificed for me, I knew I had to be willing to give that much more in return. I don't want any more escapes."

He put his hand behind my head again to make me acknowledge something. "The Council talk about becoming a jedi like it's a desirable life... you've sacrificed everything to come here. You have the discipline and the commitment... now it's time for you to learn peace." He smiled joyously. "If you want to repay me, then become a great jedi. Be the best damn jedi there ever was."

I couldn't help but wonder if he believed that it was possible that I could surpass him as a jedi. He didn't say 'best I could become,' but 'ever.' If I could have, I would have done anything he asked, but there was only so much I could give. I could never provide what he just asked, but I was so drunk that I promised exactly that. From that moment on, I had committed myself to a promise that I had no intent to break, but knew I could never fulfill. It seemed the most appropriate way to repay my debt to him, but that was likely to never happen because I could not imagine ever surpassing him... his dedication to the jedi seemed to go beyond insanity.

--

It was only a matter of time before the intoxicants wore off. He waited with me in my quarters as he waited to hear from the Council that they would not risk losing one as important as him simply because they didn't want to retrain me. He said that I couldn't possibly have been dismissed again because they couldn't possibly have considered me too corrupted to risk losing the loyalty of the former Dark Lord. I guess that I was alright with that.

While I still had alcohol flowing through my system, he and I talked about some matters that I had never considered talking about. I was surprised how selfish I was to drop all my life's problems upon him that I never heard spoke about his. Despite a lifetime of false memories, I wanted to know about how he came to be the person he was through that life.

He seemed flattered, but surprised that I asked. "Why would you like to know about my... past? Anything I could tell you never really happened."

I smiled at him. "They're real to you. I'd like to know how you came to be the man you are." I rested my head upon my wrists almost like a child would at story time. "Come on. I told you almost everything of me. I'd like to know about where you came from."

He chuckled and grinned before sitting on the chair next to me. "What have I to gain by it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "If you wanted to, you could give in to your animal instincts. I don't think you've ever been intimate with another, have you?"

He looked at me in shock, then understood that I was joking and we both laughed out loud. "How'd you come to that assumption?"

I stared at him as if we both knew why, but I said it anyway. "You're memories were created by the Council. Could you see any of them...?"

We both let out another burst of intense laughter. "Yeah. I guess that I'm a virgin. That might not have applied to Revan, but I wouldn't know."

I rubbed his shoulders and around his neck. "I know that you're not above that. If you want to, I'd be happy to..."

"No!" He said with no hesitation.

I pulled myself away in embarrassment. "It's not like there is anything wrong with it. It's not really that important or forbidden when you get down to it. It's just a pleasant sensation that is only harmful if the other is coerced."

He was seriously tempted, but still refused to do what he wanted. "Maybe. But I wouldn't do it under the circumstances. I don't want to needlessly do something foolish that would have lasting consequences."

I shook my head as if to clear it of the thought. I was not thinking straight and it was not his way to just give in to his instincts. Maybe I was just more drunk than I realized. "I'm sorry, I guess that my mind is maladjusted."

"Perhaps. I just want to try and get through this as smoothly as possible. Despite how it may seem, I don't push the Council unless they leave me no other choice. Although they're going to be stuck with you, you'll have to keep yourself in check and avoid giving the Council a reason to turn you away again. Your former life as a sith... that's over and you will have a chance to start over without having that held against your future."

I couldn't help but smile at hearing such great news. "Well whenever I slip away, I'll have you there to stop me. That's something you seem to do very well."

He returned a very stern expression. "No. Once you've allowed back into the Order, you'll have to abide to the conditions in which all jedi in training must follow. If you are committed, I will be there when you're in trouble; otherwise, you will have to do whatever the Council demands."

I was not expecting anything so... against what had been going on in the past few days. Ever since this began, Trevelyan had been defying the wishes of the Council. To hear him tell me to obey their wishes was a bit difficult to believe, myself. "And what if they're wrong?"

He seemed to recognize that I asked a question with a difficult answer. "Sometimes, the greatest victory is a battle not fought, but don't get into fights you're not likely to win. I stood against the Council only because I knew they were wrong... I wouldn't have been much of a friend or Jedi if I let them exile you when I knew there was something I could have done to prevent it. If you go out and do something to provoke them, then you'll be on your own."

My head felt much clearer than it was before. It had been about five hours since I downed that bottle of black ale and the intoxicants have mostly worn off. I was still weak, but in a much better mental state than before. "You know, I did ask about you and you never told me where you came from or what your life was like before the Jedi." He and I had been facing each other, me sitting on my bed and he in the chair next to the table. "Were you raised on a world like Nar Shadaa, One of the Core Worlds, or was your life just as common as it could be?" I hunched over as if to gesture that I was listening to what he had to say.

He looked at me with great sadness and leaned his head towards the floor. "If you wish to know... I was born and raised on Coronet. I was from an upper class family who could provide a comfortable lifestyle. Throughout my childhood, I was unique... not special, but different from others of my age."

"Describe your parents."

He nodded. "Both were intelligent people. They sacrificed much for me and my sister. I respected my father in almost every way... he didn't have a hard life, but he lived every day and taught me many of life's most important lessons. My sister was much like him, but she was very selfish... I hated her for that. I was much like my mother. She and I were very smart, but we both had many bad habits and frequently had to follow my father's example." He paused for a moment. "At some point... I don't know when... I came to realize that I wasn't as significant to society as I once came to believe. After that, I couldn't remain content to be just average... I wanted to be greater than myself and I knew that the only way I could was to use every opportunity I had for study and force myself to become my own worst critic."

"How'd you come to joining the Republic fleet?"

He smiled. "I used to love war and weapons and the technology behind it all. As I got older, I came to realize that behind all the war, glory, and..." He sighed in disgust. "I was stupid to ever think in such a way, but I came to see that joining the military seemed the best way to force myself to become someone I could respect. I was qualified to become an officer and I felt I owed it to myself to do what it took to reach my fullest potential. I fought in the Mandalorian wars and was decorated for my courage 15 times."

"Wow."

He shook his head. "The battles didn't really happen. The Council likely deposited several memories in order to train me before I ever stepped into the Academy."

We stared at each other for a long moment. "How exactly is the Council going to accept me? Are they going to call me when they make their final verdict or what?"

"I don't know. I was expecting that you and I would have been in front of the Council and that after they made their verdict, I would grandstand. I thought that throwing my lightsaber on the floor and saying that if you were not worthy, than neither was I... well it didn't work out that way."

"Then what should I do? Are they going to call me before them or is their decision already in effect?"

"I don't know. I think that if we just wait, they will call you when it's official."

I stared into Trevelyan's eyes for a long moment before realizing just how many times I owed my life to him. It was strange to me how another could care so much for me. Although strange, Trevelyan was not the first to make me feel like my life meant something. With all that has been going on in the last few days, memories of which I tried so hard to forget began to resurface.

It had been years since I had long forgotten the kindness of my former master, Alfred Kolchak. It seemed odd that I would have such reservations about remembering times before I became a sith, but happy memories were often tainted by the sense of loss. I knew that he was still alive and well, but I did not know if I would have wanted to start training with him again or if he would accept me back after what I've done.

I knew I was a coward, but I was not brave enough to face him and ask for his forgiveness. I did not want it from him and knew the only way to keep it that way was to either give him another reason to hate me, something that I didn't want to do again, or never give him the opportunity to forgive me. It was a terrible thing to receive forgiveness because it made me feel inferior to the one offering it. Although I was, it didn't mean that I wanted to keep reminding myself of it. I hurt him not just once, but many times... I did not want to do so again.

After letting my mind wander, Trevelyan brought me back to the moment. "I'm sorry, but I need to be leaving soon. I have an obligation that I need to keep and you seem to be alright now."

I nodded subtly as I accepted that I must have inconvenienced him greatly with my drunkenness. "Go now. Go and save the Galaxy however you choose."

Trevelyan smirked at the remark and stood up to leave. "Don't you start that as well."

"Start what?"

"Telling me that I can save the Galaxy. Although you meant it like a joke, I don't want to keep hearing my name, 'galaxy,' and 'save' in the same sentence. I am not Revan and I don't want everyone expecting nothing less than for me to save all life. Isn't that a bit unreasonable to demand so much from a single person?" He walked to the doorway and stopped just after stepping into the hallway.

I followed him to say one last thing. "I wasn't serious, but you do have the power to bring about change on a massive scale. You can do much if you wanted to."

He stared as though acknowledging what was just said, but realizing the difficulties that come with such expectations. There was no denying that Revan had an enormous impact on the Galaxy, so Trevelyan's potential was at least as great as his former self. I believe he was more concerned with the idea that he would forever be in the shadow of his former self unless he found a means to undo everything that Revan had set in motion. To escape that shadow, he had to surpass Revan.

In that moment, I saw something that seemed to torment him far greater than my past tormented me. I know exactly what I did as a sith and understood how I came to be the person that I was. Trevelyan likely had no idea what brought Revan to become the Dark Lord, but he knew that it happened once. Unlike me, he was left with only a clear outcome and a vague idea of how it happened in the first place. I knew how I became a sith and I knew how to keep it from happening again, but Trevelyan had no idea what could have caused him to become something so vile and no idea if there was anything he could do to stop history from repeating itself.

He nodded and smiled. "I'll do my best. That's about all we can do." Then he stepped out of the doorway and it sealed itself behind him. The level of technological advance was clearly apparent by simply having an automatic door when a manual door on a hinge would be much more logical. Considering how Jedi try to stay away from advances in society, such as keeping traditional robes and architecture, they seem to upgrade the simplest, and often most unimportant, things like doors and comm. systems.

I was left alone again, but somehow, things didn't seem as terrible as I dreaded. I felt safe for the first time in a long number of years because I knew that I had someone to turn to when I was struggling. There was never a time since the sith or on Sleheyron when I ever felt it was safe to have friends again. Omeesh went through slaves so fast that it was folly for me to get acquainted only to watch them break down or die.

Since then, I had shielded myself from others to assure that I would not suffer from losing loved ones ever again. Even on Dantooine, I never got close to anyone and was content to be ignored. The Sith... the reason was obvious. Now, after all that's happened, I think I had finally realized that being alone was a worse fate. If there is nothing or no one worth losing, then what did I have other than myself? In the end, my fear of loss was what drove me to the sith, but only because I had nothing worth losing to begin with. Perhaps I can start off my new life right this time.


	10. Jedi Training

Despite getting a very restful sleep, I had another nightmare. Most often, my dreams were of Sleheyron and Omeesh, but the last few nights involved Trevelyan, and my old master. The latest dream was more unpleasant than frightening.

I was on Korriban and Alfred had come with me to the sith. At some point, I realized he was gone, but did not turn back to find him because there were Sith who stood between us. Only when I needed him was willing to go back, but when I turned around, all the Sith were already dead and he had left me alone. Near the end of the dream, I realized that he left me behind only because I did not follow him out of that place. If I had simply left him, I could have left that life behind by simply following him out.

The dream had been interrupted by the sound of my doorbell. I sat up, almost gasping for breath, and needed a moment to realize where I was. After the second ring, I shouted instead of using the comm. "Just a moment! I'll be right there!"

I jumped out of bed and fell to my knee as I did not have enough blood flowing to my brain to avoid a blackout. I had lost almost 10 kilograms when I fell into that hibernation trance on Korriban and was still physically weakened. I was only starting to feel the effects of starvation, which happened only when I sprung into action after being inert for a long period of time.

Starvation was something I was used to, but rarely did I become dangerously underweight, so it was a surprise for me to black out like that. A few seconds later, I was fully aware again and rushed to dress myself before I answered the door.

It was Belaya, from Dantooine. We knew each other, but were not friends in any degree. "Master Zhar wants you to report to him... now. I am to escort you there."

"Okay... why did he not contact me? Why send an escort?"

"The Council had gone out of its way to fit you into their schedule and they can't afford to be burdened further. The least you could have done was attend when you were summoned. Since you apparently can't keep a deadline, Master Zhar wanted me to ensure that you meet this one. Now come with me."

I nodded and did as I was told.

--

I was surprised to see Beyala at first, but knew that not all the Jedi that I knew from Dantooine were killed in the attack. Odds were that most had circulated in and out of the enclave over the years. That and the fact that only one of the Council on Dantooine perished gave me an idea of how many survived the attack. I never actually checked the number of confirmed dead, but assumed the casualties must have been fairly low based on those four who would hardly qualify for an accurate sample.

It was odd that I assumed so much with such little to base that on. I knew that the number could be as little as one, but there could have been dozens of lives lost in that attack. I felt I needed to know just how much of my past life on Dantooine remained, so I readied a question for Belaya, but she turned her head around to face me before I could ask. "Thinking of Dantooine?"

I was not usually one to appreciate having my mind invaded by another, but I was more concerned that I left myself open than that she chose to read my thoughts. "Invading another's mind is not the kind of thing I would expect from a Jedi."

"I didn't have to. You're thoughts were very apparent."

"Actually, I was wondering just how many were lost in the attack. How many were there when it happened?"

She kept walking in front of me, but kept her head turned to keep an eye on me. "Since five years ago, the academy's numbers had dwindled to less than half of what it was before the Sith. Thirty-seven Masters, Knights, and Padawans were killed... my master was one of them."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She turned her head forward again. "I don't want pity from you. 'Sorry' doesn't mean anything unless there is a reason to have remorse."

I sensed latent anger within her that was apparent both through the force and the tone in her voice. Beleya had a grudge against me that seemed more profound than simple predjudice of a sith. "What do you mean by that?" I said very commandingly.

She turned back to face me. "You were on Dantooine for only a few hours and right after you leave, the Enclave is bombarded by a Sith battleship. Doesn't that seem the least bit suspicious?"

"Are you saying I had something to do with that?!" I shouted in anger.

"It's obvious that it was you. You knew about the location of the 'secret' academy. You have already proven your loyalty to the Sith..."

"Yeah.. me and about a hundred others that became Sith! Malak knew of the facility... and he was the Dark Lord for god's sake! What could I 'possibly' have been able to reveal that wasn't already known?!" I got right in her face to emphasize my next point. "Even If could have; it also doesn't explain why I keep coming back and making the same request I did the first time!"

"I think that you wanted to return, but when you were denied, you went back to the Sith. Before you did, you wanted to prove something to the Jedi... and you helped them counter our defenses." She frowned at me with such anger and hate that it intimidated me. "Your ship was allowed to come through Dantooine's checkpoints when others would have stopped. I think that you opened up the window for that enemy vessel to get through and take us by surprise. However they got through, you cannot deny that you are the most likely suspect of that massacre."

I was about to object to the accusation, but knew that she had a valid concern. I knew that it was a fantastic coincidence that the attack happened right after I departed. I also couldn't deny that it was rare for a Sith to ever turn back to Jedi, so I would also have been a remarkable coincidence stacked on top of that as well. Even I couldn't help but recognize the circumstances.

I replied very meekly. "I suppose so. Maybe it was why they wouldn't accept me, but that subject never came up until you told me just now."

She looked at me as though I were not serious. "I find 'that' hard to believe."

"It's a fact. I never even considered that they thought I took part in that attack."

She sighed in disappointment. "All they have are suspicions... not proof, but they're still investigating how the Sith got through undetected. The truth 'will' be found." Then she turned around again to continue leading me to Master Zhar... wherever he was.

Although I hated the accusation I was just given, I did not want to keep talking on the matter. I knew I was not responsible for anything, so there was no need to worry or defend myself. Belaya and I were never on good terms and it didn't matter much to me what she believed. The loss of her master also must have lead her to cast blame on someone more specific than the sith. I knew what it was like to concentrate anger on a single tormentor because it was easier to hate an individual than an entire society. If it gave her some peace to hate me, then I did not have any problem as long as she did it silently. If she just left me alone, then Belaya could regard me however she wanted and it would not bother me.

--

After we reached a hallway crammed with offices, I had an interesting perception of Zhar, not as a master perched in the High Council Chamber, instructing students, or mediating conflicts personally; but doing paperwork and reading through reports like a beaurocrat.

He had an office that was decorated with datapadds almost everywhere. The way in which they were neatly stacked gave his space an almost artistic look rather than just clutter on his desk and walls. The wall right next to his desk was wallpapered with pads in an interesting system that allowed for much greater organization with much less floorspace devoted to over a hundred of the pesky things.

There were a few actual decorations in the office, but the stacked pads on the floor next to his desk made for an interesting decoration as well. They were arranged in a rack that resembled one of Couriscant's tallest towers. That tower had a 9-tube structure that dropped two at each of the building's skylobbies. The rack in itself was a decoration of a sort, but it provided another system of order to hundreds of them. The 'datapadd tower' almost reached from the floor to the ceiling.

Master Vash was in the office with Zhar, but wasn't sitting in a chair. When Belaya and I were at the doorway, she turned to greet us, or rather me mockingly. "You're right on time. It's good to see how punctual and committed you are." I was not in a position to talk back, so I just let the sarcasm go. Before I could apologize, Vash faced only me. "Why do you expect us to take you seriously if you don't take us seriously?"

"I... thought that... what's going on?"

Vash looked irritated as she closed her eyes and turned away. Before answering, she told Belaya that she could leave. I suppose that she was only to assure I was brought here on time.

Master Vash paced in front of me, arms crossed and her head down. "I didn't expect that you would just... forget a meeting with the High Council and be late for another when your future was at stake. Why should we believe that you really want to return to us if you don't fulfill the most basic demands we asked of you?"

"I thought that you had already made your decision and that I was going to be rejected. If I had known that... it would have mattered..." I was frustrated because I still had no idea if the decision had been made. "Why have you summoned me here now?"

Master Zhar got out of his seat and stood next to Master Vash. "Yuthura Ban, the Council does not approve of your rebellious behavior during the course of this debate, but after further deliberations, we have concluded that the crimes you committed as a Sith were beyond our jurisdiction. Although they likely include murder, torture, and indifference to life; we do not have any proof of such crimes."

Master Vash continued. "Your request to resume your training is granted. By the authority of the Council, you are assigned to Master Zhar." She faced him. "You will follow his instructions and show him the proper respect of any padawan to a master. If you should defy him or the Order again, we will terminate your training permanently. Do you understand the terms I have given?"

"Yes... and thank-you." I said sincerely and with a bow.

They both returned the bow and Master Vash bowed again to Zhar. "I'll take my leave now. Good luck... to both of you."

I found it odd that she used that word and that Master Zhar didn't correct her. Luck was one of the few things that the Jedi and I agreed with. There was no power outside the Force influencing the law of probability, but I appreciated the sentiment. Vash then turned to leave the room without saying another word.

I and Master Zhar were both of the same species, but looking at him was very odd at that moment. It was as if looking at a mirror of everything opposite of myself, except what seemed most apparent to others. He likely was studied me in the same way, but likely wondered if I were the same foolish girl he once knew. Despite my pale flesh and tattoos, I think that Zhar had more sympathy for me because he understood how terrible my life had been since the last time we saw each other. Despite my crimes, he knew that I was more fragile than before the Sith.

He recognized that not only would I have to face my past, but that I would still be treated as an outcast among a society that emphasized mutual dependence. I hadn't made many friends the last time I trained, but at least I could have been ignored. It would have been difficult with everyone knowing what I've done. I didn't know whether I or not I should've tried making friends, given that no one would accept me.

Master Zhar and I stared at each other for a rather long moment, but I broke the silence. "So what happens now?"

"The circumstances here are extraordinary. You are technically proficient with the force, but are not at peace. That may seem a simple thing to correct, but it would mean having to leave behind the passion you've depended on for... a long time."

"Have you ever done this before... freed a Dark Jedi from their passion?"

"It will be up to you for that to happen, but you must have the proper discipline and patience. You will be facing the same challenges as before under more difficult conditions. The reason the Jedi do not train adults is because their beliefs are so engrained that they are not open to the ways of the Jedi. You were not a suitable candidate because your beliefs were of the extreme opposite end of the scale."

"I don't consider my drive to fight slavery to be a very... Sith belief."

"Your anger led you to become one of them."

I shook my head. "My anger came from your inaction. If the Jedi gave a damn for those most in need of help, I would not have had reason for anger."

"Already you are in denial. If you cannot accept what has happened, then you cannot change and grow."

I crossed my arms. "I think the fact I left the sith would be proof enough that I have maintained an open mind, not to mention my compassion. Surely that's proof enough that you're wrong."

Zhar retorted. "This is not in dispute! You asked to be retrained and your request has been granted. If you wish to become a Jedi, you must abide by the terms I give. Do I make myself clear?!"

I was startled at his outburst... for lack of a better word. I suppose he just wanted to grab my attention. I had not imagined a Council member, other than Vrook, to get angry in an instant. He did have a valid point though; I fell to the darkside and he stayed true to the light. He knew better than me what to do, so I nodded. "Yes, Master Zhar."

"Then we'll begin immediately."

--

Zhar led me to a large chamber where padawans would practice manipulating objects with the force. Within the massive, open room, there were various stations throughout designed to test specific attributes of levitation. Other chambers had more specialized equipment that tested rather dangerous force abilities, such as lightning and force repulse. Such tests could only be done alone, so they had their own designated areas. Unless a padawan were to be malicious, there was little chance of injury due to ineptitude.

One station had vats filled with sand, beads, and other assortments of objects. This was used to practice levitating a great number of tiny particles. The sand served to practice using the force as a mold... creating great sand sculptures that were otherwise impossible to build.

Alfred once had me create a kath hound out of sand and then animate it. Holding millions of grains of sand into a sculpture was hard enough, but making it come alive... some masters couldn't make a convincing tentacle out of sand. Such skills were of little practical use because sand was much better to use in conjunction to a force whirlwind.

Another station had a table covered with lightsaber components. This was used to train Jedi to take apart and rebuild a saber quickly. It was a very useful skill to have if it's damaged and you happen to have a replacement part on you. Of course, few Jedi ever carry spare parts, but you never know. My record was 15 seconds to replace a focusing crystal, but I had a very simple lightsaber design.

The most sophisticated of the stations was a large metal sphere attached to a tether. This was used to measure how much raw force a Jedi could exert on an object. I have never levitated more than 20 metric tons, which was about what an average Jedi could perform. When angry, I could lift almost twice that.

There were rumors that Master Vrook had lifted a 50-ton fighter during one of his missions. But he has never demonstrated such a feat, so I'm sure it was just a rumor.

I also saw a few dozen rocks that appeared to fit together, forming... something. It was like a three-dimensional jigsaw puzzle which required all the pieces to be held together as while putting the next one into place.

My test on Dantooine involved an array of glass plates that I destroyed in anger. "You broke them, you will fix them" was what Master Kolchak told me. It was bad enough to put one object back together, but to separate the pieces from five other plates was much more difficult. I never did complete that task.

The last station was where Master Zhar took me. This was where Jedi trained themselves to use the Force in enhancing their physical abilities, such as jumping and running. There were various levels, outcrops, and ledges to practice jumping and landing. Surrounding the station was a 100-meter track where a Jedi could accurately measure how fast she can run.

I don't know why I was taken to this training room. I already had a mastery of the Force. This place seemed too remedial, so I asked Zhar, "Why are we here? This facility is only used to train padawans in basic Force skills."

Master Zhar explained, "In order to train you, I must first determine where you currently stand. Over the next two days, I will need to evaluate your current abilities. I then would know what you have learned in the last four years. That way, I wouldn't have to teach lessons that you already know."

"Even if I learned new skills from the Sith?"

"The teachings of the Jedi and Sith are similar. There is little purpose in teaching you what you already know. Are you ready to begin?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "What would you like me to do first?"


	11. Chapter 11

Over the next two days, Master Zhar had me exercising my force abilities to their limits. He started by having me perform very general feats, such as the force jump and moved on to others that required extreme concentration. The healing trance was among the more difficult abilities he had me perform, but considering how little peace I had within me, I was fortunate to perform it at all.

I passed every test he subjected me to, but never mentioned how impressive some of my skills were. It almost seemed like he wanted me to fail his evaluation, but I had to remind myself that these exercises weren't to measure whether or not I mastered all the skills to become a jedi; it was only a test.

During one of our breaks, Zhar and I sat next to each other to talk about my performance. The subject soon changed and for the first time, he and I began speaking as people rather than a master to an apprentice.

"You instructed me for a time while I was on Dantoine. Could I ask what you thought of me during those years?"

"I don't think you would like hearing it any more than I want to speak of my opinion." He replied.

"I'd really like to know how I was like then. And It's not like I'm going to react badly to the truth."

He chuckled. "I've seen that temper of yours. So you'll understand if I decline to..."

"Please." I said in a very gentle and sincere tone.

He stared at me for a moment and then nodded. "When you were first brought to Dantoine, you were actually a very suitable candidate for training... but the anger you harbored... that was different. How old were you when you were admitted?"

"I was told 15... well past the age of acceptance. I still don't know how I got in."

He looked forward and collected his thoughts. "Would you be surprised to know that former slaves are among the most suitable candidates to become jedi?"

I looked at him. "That would surprise me, yes."

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees to rest his head upon his wrists. "Think of it... the jedi emphasize that we live for others... not for ourselves. Slaves are, in many ways, taught the same way. Most children have to be trained to think and act to believe that. We don't have to train freed slaves as significantly because they've already been through that."

I leaned over to hold my head on my wrists like Zhar. "I never thought of it that way."

I always assumed that slaves were the hardest individuals to find peace. I never considered that Omeesh may actually have been training me to be a better jedi... how very demeaning.

"There was something else that weighed in your favor." He sighed. "Your former owner... I was told that he was especially cruel to you."

I started blinking back tears from the pain of my memories. It was odd that no matter how much I knew of the cruelties I've witnessed, it was still painful to speak of them. "Omeesh... he enjoyed... hurting his slaves. He took pleasure in breaking young slaves and making them know that they belonged to him... life and soul. I was one of his favorites, so I was spared many of the cruelties that claimed the lives of others." I raised my head as if to fully grasp how many like me had perished to that single worm. "Dozens, maybe a hundred individuals have had their lives snuffed out by him. Sentient beings like me... murdered."

Zhar tried to draw my attention away from the sadness I was embarking upon. "It is best not to relive such memories. You should keep your mind focused on the present."

"The present comes from our past. If we forget where we were, we lose track of who we are."

"I meant that you should try to avoid thinking of Sleheyron. You have known only torment and pain from that place and there is no sense in remembering such things unless you want that to be part of you forever." He suggested.

I leaned back against the wall and crossed my arms loosely and with little confidence. "That's the thing. I don't want to forget the injustices that have been done to me because I know that they're still happening everywhere. Omeesh is dead and I had a life far greater than anything before that." I sighed. "He's dead and all who have hurt me are dead, but there are still so many like him who must be opposed. My anger is for the injustices that people like me suffered. I have been saved... they have not."

"That is very much how you spoke before you turned to the sith. Anger is a destructive emotion and often causes more harm to the self as to the ones who wronged you."

I looked over at Zhar and touched the scared areas of my face as if to remember the way I had let the darkside take its toll on me physically. The scared, pale skin was only a minor thing, but it was a physical testament to the destructive nature of the Darkside. The real wounds I felt came from within my soul, but were a part of me and could not be felt as easily.

Then I realized that Zhar could have told me better how he saw the Darkside taint my soul in the time before I became a sith. "Master Zhar... what was I like in those years before I left the Jedi? Was I always like I am now, or was there a time when I showed great promise?"

"I would not be the best judge of that. I could say what I've observed, but can't vouch for much more than what I've seen you do."

"Please tell me." I gave him my undivided attention.

He paused for a moment, but sat back and began. "Despite your anger, you seemed to have all the characteristics of a Jedi. When you were accepted, it was like we didn't need to push you... you were driving yourself."

"What changed?"

"After only..." He faced me. "How long did you train on Dantoine?"

I turned my head to recount. "About three years."

"I remembered a time when it seemed you found peace with yourself. For the first two years, you seemed very content where you were."

I chuckled. "After eight years on Sleheyron, anywhere would have been a paradise. But Dantooine was different... It was almost like everything that my old life was not. I felt... like I was important... valued. Before that, I was regarded as nothing to Omeesh."

He started to look at me grimly. "I remember that there came a point several months before you departed when... that peace began slipping away from you."

That caught my attention. "What do you mean?"

"You began to act more hostile and were more objective to what we were trying to teach you. That anger, which I thought had been extinguished, began to resurface. At the time, I thought it was just a phase, but it continued to swell. Was there an event that changed all that?"

I thought for a moment. "I think I was content with the jedi because I was glad to be away from Sleheyron. After a time, I think I began to feel guilty for those I left behind. I was ashamed that I had so much and they were forgotten."

"For almost a year, I watched as you became more and more discontent with the Order. Master Kolchak once said it pained him to watch you lose a little peace every day. He knew that you were trying, but something was holding you back. I advised him not to restrain you... that it was something you had to do yourself." He dropped his head in guilt. "Maybe that was a mistake."

I was almost consumed by sadness. I didn't remember much of my fall to the darkside. I thought that it happened after I became a sith, but it was actually a slow process that began almost a year before I had left.

"Maybe there was no way around it. My anger was what allowed me to kill Omeesh and escape Sleheyron. It may be that I can never be free of it." I faced Zhar. "Is that why you denied me when I returned?"

"There was more to it than that, but it doesn't matter anymore. You have been accepted and I'll do the best I can to help you, but you must be willing to forgot much of what you've learned or you can't learn peace."

I nodded. Then I was hit by a question that I never considered before. Zhar was a male twi'lek with beliefs almost opposite of mine when he was accepted into the Order. "One last thing... at what age were you accepted by the Jedi?"

"I was twelve."

"Did you think and act like any twi'lek male by that age?"

Zhar chuckled and smiled at me. "I think I know what you're about to ask. When I was accepted into the Order, I was assigned to a female master." We both laughed out loud. "She didn't take too kindly to the disrespect I gave her, so she told me that females were the dominant sex within the enclave."

After laughing harder, I asked how he took it.

He kept laughing as well. "It wasn't just a simple lie, she went so far as to tell all the women within the enclave to treat me with the same respect I would have given them. For about two weeks, I was treated exactly as I would have to a twi'lek female. I eventually learned the truth, but she said that if I ever showed another female the disrespect I showed her, I would be put through that again."

I kept laughing. "Did it work?"

"I went through that ordeal a few more times, but yes."

We laughed one more time before Zhar started staring at me. It surprised me, but he was smiling... I rarely see him smile. "What?" I finally asked.

He kept staring, but looked almost in awe of me. "You've changed so much in the last four years. I don't know if I could say it or not, but your experience with the sith... I think you've grown much in that time."

"I suppose I had to see where my anger could lead before I could learn to let it go."

He shook his head. "It's more than that. I think I understand why Revan fought so hard for you. Your experience with the dark side could make you a very wise Jedi."

I can't believe I've earned Zhar's support as well. I must have had a dumb smile on my face, but it felt so good to know that I'm making progress on my road to redemption. Just hearing his praise was like music to my ears. Maybe the Council was not biased, but just judged me before they saw who I had become.

--

At the end of the second day, I got into a heated shouting match with Zhar... this time was about my Force talent. I may have improved since before, but I was still far from perfect. According to him, I still relied on my passion to fuel the Force. To him, peace was the only way to master my emotions and myself. At some point, he asked me demonstrate what I could do with sand and I smiled in anticipation.

Although it's been years since I've even seen a kath hound, I remembered how hard I worked to properly create one for Master Kolchak. I waved my arm toward the and pulled out about 100 kilograms of sand, which was molded it into a body. From that body came a head, legs, and then a complete sculpture was made. It almost came naturally to me; I was amazed how much easier it was than the last time I did it.

Zhar took a close look at the sculpture. "Very impressive. Your ability to hold all these particles in their place is remarkable."

It was not my intention to animate the sculpture, but as Zhar complimented my talent, I wanted to show off what I could do. The sculpture slowly began to mimic a real kath hound as I started to manipulate the sand with greater concentration. It almost came naturally for me to maintain the shape while moving the limbs and head. All those sand grains had to be held very delicately, but the sheer number of particles was extreme.

I squatted towards the sculpture and extended my arm to pet it. It behaved as I willed it, rubbing its head against my hand. It almost looked and acted like it had a life of its own, but its every action was controlled by me. It was taxing, but I wanted to show what I was capable of.

Zhar looked in awe at the animated sand creature. "Astonishing. I have seen few who have mastered a skill such as this. Creating and holding a shape with the force is difficult enough, but animating it requires extreme delicacy." He took his attention off the sculpture and looked at me almost with pity. "But you are still relying on your passion to control it."

"What difference does it make?"

He looked at me as if I asked an obvious question. "It always makes the difference."

I lost my concentration and the kath hound fell apart. When I looked sadly upon the pile of sand, I felt as if I were struck down. "I showed you what I was capable of. You said, yourself, that you were impressed at what I could do. I did exactly what was asked of me. Don't complain about how it was done."

"You wish to become a Jedi. For that to happen, you must learn to restrain your emotions. I know that it is difficult, but you must realize how important it is to be free of passion. That was why you were so vulnerable to the darkside."

A surge of anger erupted at hearing him speaking of something he didn't understand. I hissed at him. "Considering what I've turned away from, you are in no position to judge me!"

He replied very calmly, "I'm not judging you... I'm simply telling you what must be done. We are not obligated to help you... if you wish to be accepted back into the Order, you must follow our ways. If you are not willing to change yourself, then we can't force it upon you."

I turned my back to Zhar and crossed my arms. I was exhausted and stressed. Manipulating the Force for great lengths of time was not my greatest attribute. I let my body language tell him that I've had enough.

He remained silent for a moment before excusing himself. "I'll end the session here. I won't be able to train you tomorrow, so I would advise you to meditate as much as you can until we meet again. And try to be more open-minded the next time." Then he turned to walk out of the room. "If you want to build another lightsaber, the components on that workbench are at your disposal."

I asked, "And the crystal?"

Zhar looked in deep thought for a brief moment. "It is your choice. You could continue training as a sentinel, or you could choose another path if you want."

"That still doesn't answer my question. Where do I get a focusing crystal?"

"Speak with Master Vrook. He brought several from Dantoine." Zhar exited the training room.

I was so enraged by his last words. 'Open minded?' I'd love to see him try to turn away from the darkside and say that again. He never had to face the same injustices that I have. He has never been treated like property... it poisons your soul with hate and fear. He could at least be a little more understanding.

After venting my anger on some of the equipment, I realized that I now had to confront Vrook if I wanted to get a focusing crystal.


	12. That's 'Master' Vrook

Of all the Jedi I have met, Vrook Lamar was the only one who acted more like a Sith than I did. Men with a sense of pride beyond arrogant shouldn't have been allowed in the Jedi Order. He most certainly didn't belong on the High Council.

Master Vandar once told me that Vrook didn't hate me... that he was just critical of all his students and I didn't stand out. Although I respected Vandar's wisdom, I knew he was wrong. Even before I left the Order, Vrook hated me and he went out of his way to display it. How could he have been allowed to think and act in such ways? The expectations for Council members should have been higher than those of average Jedi.

I still remembered the first time I was taken to Dantooine... even then he was against me. If it were up to him, I would have been rejected me before I even began. But while he was busy scolding me, the other masters actually took the time to understand why I was so full of anger and hate. My treatment at the hands of Omeesh didn't seem to matter and from his perspective, I was on the path to the darkside ever since I escaped that place.

I had hoped that turning away from the sith would have been enough for him to simply leave me alone. Instead, he took some sick joy in condemning me whenever he could. In some ways, he was worse than a sith... because Vrook believed he was always right and all who opposed him were wrong.

When I got into the doorway, he gave me a very rude look. "What do you want?"

"I need a focusing crystal for a lightsaber."

Vrook released a very agitated sigh. "A lightsaber is a Jedi tool that you are not deserving of..." he turned toward some plasteel boxes on his left side "...but I will give you a crystal. I suppose you are taking the path of the Jedi guardian this time?"

I have always been disappointed that I was not allowed to choose my path before. Vrook knew that I wanted to take the path of a warrior the last time I trained to become a Jedi. I did not know if I should have abandoned my training as a sentinel, though. Since I became a sith, I've come to understand the value of developing useful skills in piloting, engineering, and computer technology. The Force often coupled well with developed skills.

The path of the councilor was not an option for me. I didn't have a talent for solving problems with words as Trevelyan or Master Vandar. And Vrook probably wouldn't allow for one such as me to be a representative of the Order. I truly did not want to confine my training to only one class... all I wanted was to become a Jedi. All I wanted was to find a way to let go of the hate that lead me to become what I always despised.

Vrook began searching through some boxes. He did not face me when he asked, "Maybe you want to stay with a red crystal?"

"Violet."

Vrook exhaled in frustration. "Those are among the rarest crystals, but I might have one." He resumed his search. "You never were one for our traditions. What path are you taking, anyway?"

"I haven't chosen a path, Vrook."

He abruptly stopped what he was doing and turned to face me. "You will address me as 'Master Vrook.'" He commanded.

I felt a sudden urge to make him swallow his pride. I knew that if he wouldn't treat me with respect, I had to establish some leverage over him. I wanted to provoke him into getting angry so that I could make him realize that I had no concern about what he thought of me. "I will..."

He turned back to his search.

"...when you start acting like one."

I saw the fury swell within him as he came towards me, but I did not flinch. When he was right in front, he yelled "How dare you! If you think you can hide in Revan's shadow, you are wrong!"

I spoke very calmly, but remained stern. "I'm not hiding behind anything. I'm simply stating a fact: you do not act as master should, or at least you don't when it comes to me."

Vrook stopped shouting, but continued speaking with anger in his voice. "And what would you know about such things? You've never been one yourself."

I gave Vrook a proud look and replied, "I was the second head of the Academy on Korriban. I know what it means both to instruct and to lead. Furthermore, I have studied under two great leaders to learn from their example. I properly addressed them as Master Kolchak and Master Uthar."

"Learned by their example?" He chuckled as if to insult me. "Didn't you turn your back on both of them as well? You betrayed everything Master Kolchak taught you when you turned to the Sith. You say you turned away from the Sith and then killed this... Uthar." He chuckled and smirked at me. "You haven't learned from them. You just followed what is in your own best interests."

"Master Kolchak was a great man. He had taught me right from wrong if I had listened. As for Uthar... he was a great leader for the Sith. I hated him, but even enemies can respect one another. Had Uthar been in Malak's place, I'm convinced the sith would rule the galaxy." I crossed my arms. "If you think that being on the High Council earns you respect, you are wrong. I'm not acting out of defiance, though. We are both flawed individuals. The difference between us is that I recognize my deficiencies." I gave Vrook a very mean glare. "I'm trying to purge myself of the darkside and you are making it more difficult than it already is."

"Those were the consequence of becoming a Sith. I had warned you, yet you took the path of least resistance..."

"I know!" My anger erupted at hearing him continue to judge me even then. "I know what I did! Not for a moment did I relish becoming a Sith." I paused to calm my rage. Vrook remained silent and allowed me enough peace to finish speaking. "I suffer the consequences of that decision... every day. I'm just trying to leave the past behind me once and for all. I can't afford to fight you as well. If you must hate me, will you at least keep it to yourself?"

He looked insulted, but only because he wouldn't admit such a thing. "I don't hate you. I just..."

"You despise me! Almost every time you've ever spoken to or about me, it was demeaning. If there is one thing that you are biased against... it's the Darkside."

Vrook gave me a look that almost seemed compassionate; it surprised me. "You're right. I shouldn't say anything. It's not like you've ever listened to me before."

I was almost content to leave it at that, but I felt that I had to try and reason with him. As much as I hated him, I needed him to leave me alone and I felt the only way for that was to at least earn a degree of respect. "I'm willing to listen, but you have to be willing to understand me. Despite everything that has happened, I still think that my feelings for slavery is a virtue. As easily as it could lead to the darkside, emotion can drive us to improve ourselves."

"Do you know why jedi are not suppose to form attachments to others? It is to prevent the fear of loss."

"Loss and emotions are not the same thing."

"Perhaps not, but whenever a Jedi has something of value, there is always a fear in losing what he... or she treasures. A Jedi has to be selfless, but even concern for others is not always a virtue. It can influence one's judgment. You of all people should know that. Was it not your drive to end slavery that lead you to the Sith?"

"It was also what lead me back to the Jedi."

Vrook and I stared at each other for a long moment. I think that we both learned more about the other in the last few minutes than in three years on Dantooine. I didn't look at him with hate, but with a greater understanding that I represented everything against his beliefs. He may have come to realize that I simply had a different sense of right and wrong from him. Although we still harbored strong feelings against each other, I think that we had achieved a degree of understanding.

Vrook broke the silence. "I... have some work that I must complete. Perhaps we could continue this at later time?"

"Yes, of course." Vrook turned towards his desk. I spoke up and properly addressed him "Master?" He turned around, recognizing that. "The crystal?"

"Of course." He found the right container, removed a box, and searched through it. He then handed me a violet crystal. "What happened to your old lightsaber, anyway?"

"It's either rusting somewhere on Dantooine, or Master Kolchak has it. I'm not really sure."

After putting away the box, he approached me. "You still haven't spoken to him... why?"

I waited for a long while before answering. I suppose I didn't know that, myself. "I... hurt him when I chose to become a sith. I would prefer not to open old wounds... and I don't want to discuss it further." I bowed to him. "Thank-you for the crystal."

Before I could leave, Vrook kept speaking. "Did you know that when you were first on Dantooine, that Master Kolchak's recommendations were not in your favor?"

I lowered my head in sadness. "I am not surprised. He had every reason to assume I was a lost cause."

"When you came before us a few days ago, we asked him to participate in your judgment personally." He kept silent for a moment while I turned to face him. "Instead, he withdrew his prior recommendations that otherwise would have been used against you."

I stared at Vrook for a long moment. "What do you think I should do?"

"It is your choice. I've spoken to him and he said that it was up to you to decide if you wish to be reacquainted or remain estranged. He will leave you to make the first move." He moved to his desk and sat down. "If that's all, I have work to tend to."

I bowed. "Of course. Thanks for the crystal."


	13. Trust

It had been nearly a month since my return to the Jedi. I've noticed my flesh has almost completely healed since I stopped using dark force energy. My skin has returned to the rich violet that it once was. The face was not quite how I remembered it from five years ago. It was not just the tattoos... I felt that I looked decades older.

Many of the Jedi told me that I should have my tattoos removed; that I should not bear the marks of beliefs I wished to forget. Master Vrook said that with them, I would always be perceived as a Sith to others; and be treated accordingly.

Trevelyan says they were beautiful against my, now richer, violet skin. He likely thought that I would look less like myself without them. I suppose that I would seem like any other twi'lek to him. I, myself, found it difficult to distinguish one human from another if not for their hair styles. If Trevelyan were bald, I certainly would not recognize him easily. It was only natural that different races were more difficult to recognize, so I wanted to be more distinguishable to my friends. Despite that reason, he did not want me to bear the scars of my old life. We both know that appearances were irrelevant to friends, yet significant to strangers. I found that rather ironic.

It may have been a mistake to continue wearing them, but I wanted to remember. I hated the Sith, yet they were a part of who I had become. I may have one day decided to remove them, but for the present, they stayed.

Although still in training myself, I've been working with Master Nevski and his students. Since I was the only one with firsthand knowledge of Sith fighting techniques, I shared what I knew with his padewans. It felt good to be instructing again; it was like being a master again.

It also allowed me to bond with others. Nevski and I often talked about matters outside of the classroom. I learned that he had been a jedi all his life, so he didn't understand how I struggled with the dark side. We shared a drink on occasion, swapped amusing jokes now and again, but weren't much more than casual acquaintances.

I have come to learn about the bond that Trevelyan shared with Bastila. I felt very hurt that the kiss we shared on Korriban, which had meant so much to me, was nothing more than business to gain leverage over me. Even simple infatuation would have been enough, but to know that there was no chance to escalate our feelings further... it seemed to leave our friendship meaning less than before. And since I began training again, I've not actively sought him out, but allowed him to share my company when he chose.

Master Zhar had continued training me whenever he had time, but with his duties as a Council member, I've had to learn much of what I needed in my own time. At first, he was very strict and demanding, but as I progressed, the criticism slowly died down. Because I had turned against the Jedi, my original rank of padawan was not restored upon my return. It wasn't until I earned their trust again that I could be called that.

When I first came here, I feared that I would have the most difficulty with losing the thoughts of strength, power, and victory. Although they were frequently on my mind, I found that it's been more difficult to deal with the subtleties of interacting with others. Although I could turn to Trevelyan when I needed help, I knew that I couldn't rely upon him because he was not my master. I've still not confronted Alfred, although we have gazed upon each other from time to time.

He had changed very little from the last time I remembered, but there was something about him that looked different from the man who had taken me for his own so long ago. I was still fearful of him because I knew I hurt him more greatly than I had myself four years ago. I didn't want him to see what I had become... at least not until I had done something that could give him reason to want me back.

I've also interacted with Trevelyan's friend, Juhani, on a fairly regular basis. Like me, she struggled with the darkside. Within her was an anger that I didn't frequently see in other jedi, so I felt a little better knowing that there were others who have overcome the same kind of anger I have. Despite trying to learn more about her, she was as closed-mouthed as me. I suppose she still didn't trust me, but I don't hold it against her. I wouldn't trust me either.

-----

Early one day, I was called before the High Council. Nevski was waiting outside the chamber when I arrived. "Yuthura? Are you also here to see them?"

"Yes. Any idea what this is about?"

He shook his head. "No, but I've been told to arrange for someone else to teach my courses for the next few days. I must be here for a mission briefing."

I chuckled. "Maybe they want me to teach your students while you're gone?"

He gave me a small smile. "Perhaps."

About a minute later, Juhani arrived as well and I turned my attention to her. "I suppose you haven't been told what this is about?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I was just told that if I had any obligations, that I should take care of them before leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Maybe they're dispatching all of us on a mission." Nevski inquired.

The thought of having some real responsibilities made me excited. Perhaps they were finally coming to trust me? Then I cleared my mind of the thought; this could have been anything. And then an uncomfortable thought came to my mind... if this were a mission, then it was going to be a dangerous one. You don't send two guardians and a sith out unless they were meant to be in the line of fire. Maybe this was how they intended to...

I shook my head as if to disperse my thoughts. I could not let myself come to conclusions before anything was known. Whatever happened would happen in the fullness of time, so I needed to keep my thoughts on the present.

Shortly after that, a male human in a sith uniform exited the council chamber. He noticed my tattoos and stared at me while walking by. I was suddenly filled with terror; not of the man, but what he might have represented to me. To the Sith, leaving was considered traitorous and traitors were treated worse than their common enemies. As of before he saw me, the Sith believed that I was killed alongside Master Uthar. Now that I've been seen, that Sith would likely have been to report a traitor spotted among the Jedi. It wouldn't have been long before they learned of my presence. I couldn't allow that.

Juhani and Nevski both saw my fear and after the sith went around a corner, Nevski asked "Did you know that man?"

"No... but he may have known me." I pursued him.

"How would he... Yuthura, where are you going?" Juhani tried to ask, but I had already started walking away.

"Following him. I can't allow him to leave." I answered without looking back.

Juhani placed her hand in front of my shoulder to hold me back. "He wouldn't be able to walk freely here unless he were a guest. Besides, we need to see the Council." I gently brushed the hand away and kept walking. She came after me. "Do you intend to kill him?!" she quietly exclaimed.

"If I have to."

"We should speak with the Council. There must be a good explanation for why he's here."

"I can't let him go if he's seen me."

"Why? What is going on?" Juhani sounded almost desperate to know.

I swiftly turned to face her. "The Sith do not know that I'm still alive... let alone here! I need to keep it that way." I turned around again, but was held back by both shoulders.

"He was with the Council. You can't just kill him!" She commanded.

I tried to maneuver myself free of her reach, but I ended up trapping myself further into her grip. "Let me go! If he reports me to the Sith, they'll hunt me down!" I shouted desperately Juhani managed to lock her arms around me, restraining mine so I couldn't resist. She was much stronger than she appeared and I couldn't break free. I was phobic to confinement and instinctively struggled to free myself. I would have used the Force to break free, but the panic I was in made it difficult to throw her off. "The Sith will find me! I can't let him go!"

She lifted me off my feet and desperately tried to calm my fears. "You don't know that! What if he doesn't? What if you're wrong? Are you just going to kill him? Another of your victims?"

'Another victim?' Those words tore through my soul. I knew she was right... I couldn't just play judge, jury, and executioner... I did not have the right. I didn't even consider that he may also have turned away from the Sith. Then I thought of Trevelyan and what he did for me. If he acted like me, I would have been dead a dozen times over.

I surrendered to those words and stopped struggling. "No... I don't."

She slowly eased her grip and lowered me to the floor. I sat against a wall and buried my head in my hands. I was ashamed of what I intended to do... and how the thought of killing came so easily to me.

Shortly after that, Nevski came running down the hall with Masters Vash and Zhar behind him. He saw me on the floor and exclaimed "What happened here?!"

Juhani gestured them to be silent, which meant much to me. She whispered to them about what I was about to do... and that I restrained myself.

Master Vash moved beside me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "That man was Shar Gorlov. He wanted to defect from the Sith and has provided us with information in exchange for protection." I raised my head to face her. "We weren't expecting that he would wear that uniform here... or that you would run into him. We're sorry."

I shook my head. "No. I should have controlled myself better." I leaned my head back against the wall. "I suppose I've never truly confronted my fear of being caught by the Sith. I almost murdered another because of it. If it wasn't for Juhani..."

"It's alright." She replied.

"No, it's not alright. It's just so hard to restrain myself every moment of every day. I struggle with emotions that I cannot overcome. I once thought I had moved above fear, but I never realized how much I should fear myself... what I'm capable of."

Zhar kneeled in front of me. "Fear is often a good thing. It's one of the reasons why Revan thinks so highly of you and Juhani. Despite your fears, you both confront them more often than most people. That is something I've also come to respect."

I stared at him in surprise. "I just confronted it and failed. How could you say that?"

Juhani answered for him. "Real courage is not the absence of fear... it's confronting it. Sometimes, we overcome it. Sometimes we fail. But you didn't surrender to it."

I gave her a small smile. "Are you sure you're not a councilor?" I chuckled.

She chuckled along with me. "I can just imagine my Cathar temper would probably do the trick. Diplomats would have to agree with me for whatever I tell them to do... if not, fear always works. Is that what you mean?" We all laughed at the joke.

Zhar spoke to Vash. "How should we proceed with this?"

"Let's just ask her." Vash faced the three of us. "We intended to give you an assignment... are you alright?"

I nodded and stood up. "Yes. I'm ready to do my duty."

-----

When we entered the Council chamber, Vash said we had a minor disagreement and it just got too intense. The other masters knew it was about me.

Kavar stood in front of us and began the meeting. "We've received information from an informant that the Sith war effort has been getting desperate for very basic resources. Food, minerals, medical supplies, fuel... their stockpiles are becoming depleted. As a result of this, the Sith have started dealing with worlds for these resources in exchange for weapons, computer equipment, droids, and any other goods that we take for granted... but that more primitive cultures are willing to pay a premium to acquire."

"So the Sith are now trading away their war materials for food. That sounds like good news." Nevski said.

"Maybe for us, but for many of the worlds they are trading with, such advanced weapons and ships could wreck havoc to an otherwise stable system. One of these worlds is an important source of Endurium to the Republic, Kuril. This world has a bipolar balance of power between two separate states, Tupilov and Kitech. These two have maintained a relative peace with each other since the Kitech are negotiating to become members of the Republic. The Tupilov choose to remain independent, so they can and are choosing to trade a significant quantity of endurium for weaponry that would no doubt be used to eradicate the Kitech."

"Okay... so what exactly is our part in all this?"

"The Sith and Tupilov have made a trade arrangement that cannot be done quickly. For the course of a week, the Sith have provided the weapons in advance so that while the Tupilov gather their stockpiles of endurium, they can be trained to use them. There are three bases where the Tupilov are keeping the weapons and the Sith would not allow them to distribute them until after they receive their entire payment of the endurium."

Kavar grabbed three pads from a table and handed them to us. "In three days, the Sith will be sending cargo ships to receive their payment and then the deal will be done. Your mission will be to destroy those weapons so that the deal will fall through. We do not have much time, so you will have to brief yourselves en route. Each of you have skills that will be essential for this job, but you should be ready to deal with unexpected challenges. Do whatever you must to prepare yourselves, but you will need to depart within the next two hours.

"A ship is waiting for you in the main hanger. All the equipment you should need is aboard. I'm sorry we couldn't provide you with more time to prepare, but it will take two days to reach Kuril and then you only a twenty four hour window or less to take out the three targets." He paused for a moment and then faced me. "And... Yuthura Ban will be in command for the duration of your mission."

I originally was looking at the pad Kavar handed me, but my head snapped up at what I just heard. "What?! Is this some kind of joke?"

Atris grimly stated "Sadly, no. Success depends upon you coordinating the efforts of the other two. And only you can perform the role."

Kavar put his hands on my shoulders. "I know we're asking a lot, but we need your abilities for this."

I was almost in panic, but I hid my doubts as best I could as I looked at the other two. "If they will follow me, I will do it."

Juhani looked very saddened, or very worried about my ability to command, but nodded. I think she did it only because the Council said I was in command. I didn't deserve such loyalty, but I had her obedience.

Nevski really didn't have much confidence in my ability to command either... and my latest episode didn't inspire him with much confidence. As a true Jedi, he faced the Council and said "I trust in your wisdom and will do the best that I can."

"Thank-you. Both of you. I won't let you down." I faced Master Kavar. "I will need you to tell me as much as possible. Why exactly have you chosen me for this?"

---------

We were en rout to Kuril aboard a Republic G class special operations fighter. It was about 15 meters long, 6 meters wide, and was about a third the size of the Ebon Hawk. It was made up of three compartments: in front was the flight deck with the cargo hold directly behind and crew quarters in the back. There was an engine nacelle on each side of the ship at the root of stubby airfoils.

For our mission, this ship has been stripped of all non-vital systems, such as the laser cannons and hull plating. We required one proton torpedo launcher with a magazine of eight torpedoes, shields, hyper drive, but nothing else. This ship had to sneak through enemy sensors and its energy signature had to be as light as possible.

I sat the crew down in the cargo compartment to brief them on the upcoming strike. I felt my command over them was extremely provisional, so I tried to be as delicate as possible with it.

"From what Master Kavar has told me, there are three strongholds that we must destroy within a given window of time. Each one is powered by a single fusion reactor and is heavily shielded from an air attack. To destroy all of them, I must infiltrate each base and retrieve the frequencies of the shields protecting them. This would allow us to destroy each reactor with a single proton torpedo."

Nevski sat back in his chair, almost relaxed. "Sounds simple enough."

I gave him a very serious stare. "There is more to it than that. The Sith stationed at the bases are likely keeping close watch on the other two... they haven't yet made the trade, so the weapons are still Sith property. We must not be discovered until we have every shield frequency, otherwise the other bases will be on full alert and infiltration would be impossible. Once our attack begins, we must strike all three bases within a matter of minutes. Furthermore, we are meant to destroy Sith property, so we must ensure that when the weapon caches are destroyed, the Tupilov can't claim the Republic dealt a crippling blow to them. If they complete the trade with the Sith, they could claim that the Republic attacked them... and not Sith weapons that happened to be on Kuril."

"Wait, I don't understand why we have been selected. Why were you chosen to lead this mission?" Nevski asked.

"I know that it must be odd that you two are asked to follow my lead, but it is because we each have skills that will be important for our individual roles. Juhani is skilled with force stealth." I addressed her. "It will be your job to take out the guards between the ship and the bases without alerting security. You must also maintain a clear path for me back to the ship. We must go in and get back as quickly and quietly as possible."

"Nevski, you are going to have to modify each proton torpedo so that they can penetrate the shields. You will also have to land the ship within a kilometer of each facility using only minimal power to thrusters. This ship's energy signature should be small enough that we can get through undetected, but it would require a skilled pilot. That is your role."

I stood up in front of them again. "Stealth cannot be compromised for any reason while I infiltrate the first two bases. On the third, Juhani will return to the ship while I'm in. If there's not enough time for me to return, I will transmit the third frequency and you must start the bombing run without me."

Nevski protested. "You mean destroy the third facility while you're still inside?"

"We must destroy the weapons before the Sith arrive to collect their payment. If the deal falls through, the Sith may try to steal the endurium. It would simply be best to destroy the weapons and everyone involved before the Sith cargo ships arrive. Their sensors could detect our vessel, so it would be best to make it look like a deception by either side. That way, they will never want to trade with the other again." They looked at me with unpleasant surprise. "I intend to be out of there before you start your attack run and meet up with you afterwards, but we should try to be out of there without being discovered."

Juhani addressed me. "This sounds like a very dangerous mission. Are you sure that only three of us can pull it off?"

I didn't think so, but I had to show the courage that they needed. Fear was contagious, so I tried to avoid showing any. "We can do this. As long as we remain hidden and ahead of schedule, we can stop these weapons from falling into the wrong hands."

Nevski also stood up. "If I were to fire upon these bases, I would be killing thousands of people. Has the Council even considered that we'd be committing mass murder?"

I sat down. "As a matter of fact: they have. By killing thousands, our actions would save millions."

He shook his head. "For a greater good?"

"If you wish to think of it like that." He turned away from me. "Nevski..." I gently rotated him around to face me. "...this is to stop a mass slaughter from happening. If we don't do this... if you don't destroy those bases, the Tupilov will have an advantage over the other side which will result in millions of deaths. The Sith would also get the resources they need to continue their war against the Republic. We must destroy those weapons while they are still in the Sith's possession. Can I trust you to do your job?"

He sighed and then nodded. "Yeah. I know what has to be done. I should run through some simulations before we get there."

I nodded. "Very good. Dismissed."

He walked out of the compartment and to the flight deck. When the door closed behind him, I sat down and sighed in exhaustion. Juhani stared at me for a long moment. "What?"

"Why did the Council choose you to lead a mission where millions of lives are at stake? Why did Master Atris say that it could only be you who could lead?"

I stared at a bulkhead for a long moment before I answered. "Kurillians are immune to the Jedi mind trick. In order to get information, the infiltrator must use... other means." I stood up and crossed my arms. "I have a rare gift that allows me to absorb not only a person's life energy, but knowledge as well. If I needed an access code or a means to bypass security, I could get information quickly and efficiently."

She looked down as if saddened. "How do you feel about this?"

I picked up the pad. "Master Kavar seems to have figured everything out, himself. There are not going to be any hard choices to make. All things considered, this is little more than a blue-milk run. He might as well give this to a first year padawan!" I threw the pad across the compartment and dropped back into my seat.

She looked as if I were going to go mad with rage. When I didn't, she stepped in front of me. "The Council would not put so much at stake unless they trust the one they put in command. Millions of lives will depend on the decisions you make. You shouldn't take this lightly."

Juhani was a friend, but I didn't know if she would go through all this without at least hesitating to follow me. "Juhani... do you trust me?"

She didn't answer.

"It's alright... I wouldn't trust me either."

"Whether I trust you or not is irrelevant. You are in command and I will follow your orders to the best of my abilities."

"I'll not yet you down. If not for the mission, then for Trevelyan." I assured her.

I went to pick up the pad I had thrown and retired to the crew quarters. We had two days to reach Kuril, so I had plenty of time to go over Kavar's battle plans.


	14. Extreme Measures

We arrived in orbit around Kuril with about four hours before our first target was under the cover of darkness. Juhani and I were going through our gear, testing everything we would carry. We both had a pair of interface goggles to locate mines and provide night vision. Although we were capable of using the Force to navigate through the dark, I wanted to ensure we had every advantage we could get. We both slipped on black body armor, tough enough to give us some protection, but not heavy enough to encumber our freedom of movement.

I was provided a Defel stealth generator to wear around my waist. It was powerful enough evade both sensors and prying eyes, but the field worked both ways. I would be shrouded in darkness while I was cloaked, but only within the base would I have to rely on the Force to navigate. With only an hour's supply of power, I could not afford to use it any more than I had to.

I also was provided a security breaker that I placed on my left wrist. The unit would be my means of going from one sealed area to the next. On the other arm was an Echani personal shield. The odds of it doing me any good were slim. If I got past security, then I had no use for it. On the other hand, if I were caught, Sith weapons would beat it down in seconds. Had it been anywhere else on the planet, their standard projectile weapons may have been easier to stop with a Mandalorian power shield.

Juhani did not require much more than her lightsabers, but I insisted that she be equipped with a stealth belt and Echani shield generator as well. Since she would not be infiltrating the bases, she didn't have to travel light.

Nevski would have remained with the ship for the duration of the mission. Although capable, he was not required for anything more than taking off and landing the ship. His piloting was required to get us through undetected. Other than that, his presence would only increase the risk of us being discovered. Our ship did not have a cloaking device, but it could camouflage with its surroundings.

By the time Juhani and I were equipped, I was greatly concerned that I may have been leading all of us to our deaths... so much depended upon me. Then I pushed the thought aside... I couldn't be second-guessing myself now. I had to show courage, not fear. Fear was contagious.

I got in front of them and gave one more pep talk... I think I did it more for myself than for them. "Juhani... Nevski... I know that you have doubts about my ability to command. And although the last thing I should do is show doubt, I feel you must know the truth. I'm greatly concerned about what will happen during the next 16 hours. I know that the stakes of this mission are high, but as long as we all do our jobs, we will succeed. For whatever my word is worth... I assure you that I won't let you down. This is the first time I have been entrusted with people's lives and I have no intent to lose that trust." I went up to both of them and placed my hands on their shoulders. "Millions of lives will depend on us. Keep that in mind, but don't let fear interfere with your judgment." I turned around, but realized I forgot something. "One last thing: I'm glad to be here of all places. You two have made my acceptance into the Order much easier. For that: I thank you."

They smiled at me with great confidence. I couldn't be sure if it was genuine or if they just hid their true feelings that well. The last few hours were spent preparing ourselves psychologically for the task ahead of us. Very little more was exchanged among us.

-----

We were about 10 minutes away from our first target, I went into the front to see how Nevski was doing. "How are we coming in?"

"We've got a problem... the sensor systems around the base are not what Kavar anticipated in the battle plan. They must have obtained type 14 sensors from the Sith as well. We can't get through undetected."

"How do you know that?"

"Kavar's battle plan anticipated that they were still using EMP systems. The ship could have slipped through those, but not type 14 sensors." Nevski said.

"Is there anything that could be done?"

"We either have to land ten kilometers further from the landing sights than we intended, or cut power completely. Then we'd have nothing to control our descent, let alone take off again."

"We can't land that far away... how heavy is the ship?"

"This ship is about 20 metric tons. Why do you...?" He realized what I was thinking. "Are you suggesting that we levitate the ship all the way to the landing sites?"

"Have you ever tried it?"

"I've never been able to perform such a... delicate operation. I could move something as large as the ship, but I couldn't pull off such a landing without causing damage to critical systems... or harming ourselves."

"Harming us?"

"Yes." He looked at me as if I couldn't understand something so basic. "The ship is mostly hollow and trying to move something like this involves applying the Force to key locations that can handle the stresses. If I tried to take hold of anything inside, I might tear open a fuel tank, harm one of us, or crush a computer system. And that is simply holding the ship, not performing a landing."

I leaned my head back as I realized I had to be the one to do it. Here's where Alfred's training came in handy. If I could animate a sand sculpture, then surely I knew where to hold the ship's superstructure so it wouldn't tear apart from the hull. "Get out of that chair, Nevski. I'm going to take us in."

"Wait, you're saying you can do it?" He stood up from his seat, but didn't move aside. "You seriously can take full control of the ship and land us without destroying us?"

I put my hand on his shoulder and pulled him out of the pilot's chair. "I guess I'll soon find out."

Juhani had been in the compartment behind us, but the hatch was open. She exclaimed in protest as she came to the flight deck. "Wait! Are you seriously considering trying to take us in without power? Are you that confident that you can manage that?"

"Size is meaningless to the Force, remember?"

"That's all well and true, but that depends upon our level of control. Do you seriously believe that you can take us all the way to the base without losing your concentration and land us safely?"

"And take off unpowered?" He and she both stared at me. "We have to get out of there undetected as well."

I dropped my head from the frustration of what I had to do. Suddenly, I realized that I displayed fear when I should have been showing confidence, so I moved into the pilot's chair to make it look like I was just sitting down. "I've never tried, but if anyone can levitate the ship, it's me."

"Yuthura..." Nevski got to my side and on a knee. "We can't just resort to something like this without considering other options. Take us up and we'll figure out another way to penetrate the defenses."

"We don't have time. You said we need to go in unpowered... that's a solution."

"But can you do it? Can you...?"

"If you have any bright ideas, I'm listening!" I shouted in anger. When he didn't give an answer, I gave a direct order. "Then shut up and strap yourselves in."

Juhani looked at me as though I just offended her personally, but nervously got into one of the seats behind me. Nevski took the co pilot's seat next to me. "We'll need to cut power at least 10 kilometers away from the perimeter of the base. You should take us in high and fast so it'll make it easier to land. Our speed will provide lift and you can sacrifice altitude for speed."

"When we get close to the landing sight, you two may need to help me slow the ship so we don't crash. I'll hold the ship steady, but you two may need to harness our speed so we don't overshoot the landing sight. Understood?"

They both nodded. Nevski prepared to power down the ship in-flight. "Approaching ten kilometers. As soon as we power down, you will have to take us the rest of the way. I will not power up again unless a crash is imminent."

"Understood."

"Powering down in three, two, one..."

Suddenly, all flight systems went dead and the pilot controls were dead. We started descending, but glided for a few seconds before the Force took its hold through me. In order to tap the force energy I needed, I had to fall into a trance that cut myself off from the rest of the galaxy. Although I would not be aware of events around me, I would be able to complete the task I set out for. During that time, I often relived the memories that caused me great anger, hate, and hurt.

I focused all my anger for one of the last vile acts that Omeesh committed against me. My friend, Nenya, was a victim because of an act I committed. I should have been the one punished, but Omeesh thought it more amusing if my friends were the ones to suffer for what I've done. He had turned everyone I ever loved against me and it still wasn't satisfying enough for him. I despised everything about him and I wanted him dead! All that ever mattered anymore was hurting him for every beating he ever gave... every friend he murdered...

-----

My thoughts were interrupted by Juhani's yelling. "We're down... it's over. Yuthura!"

I was gasping for air when I came to. I was exhausted by the concentration I needed to land the ship. After catching my breath, I asked, "Nevski... how did we do?"

"You did very well at controlling our descent. We were only a few hundred meters above the ground when we had to harness the ship's momentum. It was amazing how accurate you were."

I sighed in exhaustion and leaned my head back. "Good. At least we know we can do it."

"You look terrible. Maybe you should rest..." Juhani suggested.

"We don't have time." I got out of my seat. "Nevski, start working on those proton torpedoes. Have them ready to program at a moment's notice. Juhani, we need to get going."

----

The area around the first stronghold was a jungle infested with bugs, but very few animals. My lekku were completely exposed to biting insects, and I had to keep myself from reacting to their stings. I was still tired from the landing, but could keep myself focused on the surroundings.

Juhani extended her arm to hold me back. "Mines. They are not strategically placed, so we can go around them."

"Maybe, but if they are scattered about, it would mean we would not have a clearly defined path. Can you fuse the detonators without blowing them up?"

She didn't face me. "Maybe, but I wouldn't do it just for the sake of it. If I blast them with too much electricity, they will explode. I don't think we should risk attracting attention unless they are in the way."

"I don't have any explosives with me. If you can, could you disarm a few? It doesn't matter if you blow out the detonator, but I'd like to have something with me that can be used as a distraction or whatever explosives are good for."

She shrugged her shoulders and pulled off her night-vision goggles. "I'll try to short-circuit the fuses." She reached out and shot a fan of electricity that hit the mines, but nothing went boom. Then she extended her arm and pulled the mines from where they were laying and directed them to levitate in front of me.

I took the three mines suspended in the air and slipped them into whatever pockets I had to spare. "Thanks. I wonder why we didn't have any grenades in our inventory."

"Jedi don't use grenades. And this is a covert mission. There should not be any guards patrolling this area, so we should quicken our pace." I nodded. "I'll go ahead of you. Tell me if you sense any patrols."

She went on for about 300 meters, disabling every mine we came across. We couldn't proceed much faster than we could run, so I had some time to rejuvenate my Force energy. As we came across a clearing, I sensed others were in the area. Juhani felt them as well and lowered herself to the ground. I got beside her and whispered "Two guards ahead. I'll take care of them."

I reached out to snag them with the Force, snapping their necks with a gruesome sound. The path ahead looked clear, but there was still another sentient being in the area. "Juhani, stay down. There's someone up ahead."

I switched on my infrared goggles to search for a heat signature, but couldn't locate him. I had no choice but to fall back to Juhani's position in the trees. "I sense a sniper, but can't locate him. We may have to go around."

"That would take too much time. Let me go up ahead and I'll find him." She requested.

"Be careful. We can't be seen... that is our first priority."

She focused her mind and used her force stealth abilities to hide from anything with eyes... even I couldn't see her. After she went ahead, I meditated again. I wasn't sure if I could push my abilities to lift the ship another four times in addition to carrying out my duty.

It was strange for me to know that I couldn't do what was required to complete the mission, yet not be worried about the ultimate outcome. I should have been greatly concerned about what would happen if we were discovered, but I almost felt comfortable with the idea... if we were discovered, it didn't mean that we were dead. If discovered, I no longer had to go into the other two bases.

Then something about that thought left me with a sickening feeling. If we were discovered, there were going to be many lives lost and I would have gotten the blame for the mission failure. Jedi don't execute for failure like the Sith, but that didn't mean I would have welcomed their harsh words. All I had to do was push myself to the limits of my endurance for one day and it would all be over. Still... the next few hours were going to be hell.

Almost by reflex, I jumped to my feet running after I felt the spark of life ahead get extinguished. Juhani became visible again and I met up with her. "We're almost there. The shield perimeter is just ahead."

"Great job. Keep the path clear and I'll be back as soon as possible."

She checked her watch. "We're ten minutes behind."

"I'll worry about that. Just keep the path clear!" I switched on my stealth generator and moved in.

----

There was a checkpoint in the shield that allowed passage into and out of the facility. I couldn't afford to wait for a guard to pass through, so I used my lock breaker to open the doorway and got through the security systems.

The main entrance seemed too fortified to get through undetected, so I searched for an alternative means of infiltrating the compound. I was already about almost fifteen minutes behind and hadn't even found the shield generator yet. When I didn't sense anyone nearby, I lowered the shroud of the stealth field to find another way inside. Even these fools needed air conditioning, so I took advantage of the air ducts.

With a thought, one the grate was open and I leapt up to the opening before anyone caught sight of me. I had to assume this area was not riddled with sensors, so I didn't reactivate the stealth field. It also much easier to see with my eyes again, so I started down the shaft and looked through each vent for some idea as to where I could locate the generator. Around one juncture was a massive power conduit. The most likely place to find critical systems would have been near one of those, so I followed it to its source.

Fortunately, of the three paths the conduit took, I followed the it to the shield generator. I half expected that I was going to run into the power generator or a maze of junctures that would have taken an hour to locate the right path. The control room to the generator had to be near, so I switched my generator back on and slipped through an opening.

There were guards everywhere, so I had to be especially cautious where I stood. I was in pitch black, but I could feel the life energy of everyone around. Even though I was cloaked, there was always the possibility that they would see the light refracting around me. The stealth field worked by bending light around the user, but it was never perfect. The more sophisticated Defel generator I had was among the top quality, but moving distorted the field because it could only process so much input from the surroundings. When still, the field was perfect, but the more I moved, the less perfect it became. I would have preferred to take it slow, but I was so desperate for time that I had to move at an uncomfortable pace and just not run into anyone. I could sense them, but they couldn't see me at all.

When I finally found the shield control room, there were too many people around to decloak, so I had to create a diversion... somehow.

I didn't have the time! I needed the shield frequency and couldn't spare a moment, so I focused my mind and tried stunning the engineers who were at their stations. Three fell to the floor, but the fourth was unaffected by my mind trick. I heard him speak after he saw his companions hit the floor, so I dropped my cloak and grabbed him with the Force by the neck, effectively silencing him. Unfortunately, I had gripped too hard that it snapped his neck. I was only trying to shut him up and hold him where he was, but I had just erred.

A dead body was a clear indication of an intruder. The only choice I had was to hide the corpse and hope they wouldn't notice for at least a few hours. The air vent was the best place, but I lost even more precious time disposing the body.

To get the shield frequency, I needed an authorization code, so I touched the forehead of the chief engineer and began draining his life energy. With it came memories, many of were of little use to me. I was surprised at the garbage floating in the guy's mind, but I got some useful info on the situation of the trade that was going to take place. There were a few sith posted in each of the bases that acted as instructors to train the Kurillians on how to effectively use the advanced weapons.

I believe the Sith wanted to take advantage of the situation by giving an enemy of the Republic an edge over the other side. Kuril was a Republic world, but half of the population did not agree to become part of it. The Tupilov created great discord among the other side because they had conflicts that did not involve the Republic, yet they had the protection of the Republic fleet. They essentially were both protected by the fleet from outside threats, but were not allowed to interfere with their internal conflicts.

Naturally, the Sith would have wanted to have those on the Republic's side wiped out so that the Tupilov could become independent, or worse allied with the Sith. If this trade were to go through, it would most likely happen... I had to stop that from happening.

It took a few minutes, but I managed to extract the info I needed, which included the precious access codes. I had not realized it, but I was decloaked and in sight for a long time without realizing it. Before I reactivated the field, I entered the code into the main computer and found what I needed: a frequency of 527 mark 459. I put it into my data pad and logged out before reactivating the field again.

I checked the status of the cloaking device and saw I had less than ten minutes of power remaining. I needed to get out of sight as quickly as possible, but before I left, I revived the engineers. While they were waking up, I clouded their minds so that they didn't realize that they were unconscious just a moment ago. When I heard them resuming their duties, I assumed I was successful and they did not notice one of their comrades was gone.

-----

I crawled back through the vents and got to the shield checkpoint again. Juhani was waiting for me at the edge of the sensor perimeter and my stealth field went down just moments after I was clear. As we began running toward the ship, I knew what she was going to say and I just answered before she could ask the question. "I know. We're twenty minutes behind, but I got what we needed."

"I took out another patrol while you were in. The path is clear, so we should run as fast as possible." She stated.

After the intense sprint, we were back on the ship. The instant we closed the hatch, I yelled "Nevski, get us ready for takeoff!"

"We can't power up, remember? We will take off whenever you're ready. Once outside the sensor range, we can power up. Until then..."

I got into the pilot's seat. "Yeah, yeah. Just strap yourselves in and power up as soon as we're clear. I'll get us out of here."

When I was ready, I concentrated all my thoughts onto the ship and where the critical points of the superstructure where I would focus the Force upon. I did not want to focus on the more delicate components that could be crushed or torn away. The landing gear were the ideal places to focus on and I slowly began to lift us off the ground. The more I concentrated, the less aware of the real world I became and soon fell into a trance.

-----

When I focused my mind on another moment of extreme anger, I relived a time when Omeesh wanted to watch me shriek in agony. He had me whipped by a shock lash for as long as it amused him. It was the most intense pain of my life because I was not allowed to pass out when the pain became too intense. The drugs I was injected with ensured that I would stay conscious for every last moment of it. He only ended it when I couldn't scream anymore.

What infuriated me most was that these kind of injustices were allowed to happen and those who committed the crimes were never punished. Huts took such sick pleasure in watching my people suffer... they had to pay for their crimes! I desired so much to kill every single one of them! I could not allow that to happen again!

I had the power to change the galaxy and I was just as guilty for not stopping them. I hated myself more because I wasn't dealing out the death and punishment they deserve! Why couldn't I have just been able to forget the pain of my past and move on? How could anyone abide by such cruelty?!

-----

When I regained consciousness, I released a painful shriek and fell forward in my seat. After a short moment, Juhani pulled me back up and showed great worry in her eyes. It was a comfort to see that she was concerned about my well-being. "Yuthura... you can't do this again. It is straining you beyond what you can handle."

I was breathing very heavily and couldn't keep my head up. "We have no choice... If we don't... we'll be detected... and we'll..."

She placed her index finger over my lips to silence me. "It's all right. You should rest now."

Nevski turned to face me. "Yuthura, we must find another way to do this."

"There is not... you said it yourself... we can't land... unless we use... our Force power."

"You're no good to us in this condition. You are the only one who can infiltrate the remaining bases." He said.

I thought of what else could be done to accomplish the mission. There had to be a way to save some time or effort. Finally, I came up with something. "Nevski... I need you... to do something for me... When I'm retrieving the shield frequency... in the next compound... you need to find a way... to disable their sensors... without attracting attention."

He began to object. "Any kind of attack would alert them to our presence..."

I raised my hand. "No. After we land, you need to go in with a stealth generator and cause a sensor glitch... a diagnostic... anything that would allow us to launch normally at the next base."

"I should go in with you." Juhani suggested.

I shook my head. "No. Your Force stealth ability can't fool electronic sensors. That and you have little skill with computers... no offense." I leaned my head back in exhaustion. "What's our ETA?"

"Eighteen minutes." Nevski stated after checking his console.

"All right. I need to have my stealth belt recharged." I reached to remove the device from my waist, but Juhani took care of that for me. Then she took it to the back to recharge the power cell. "I just wish I could do the same for myself."

"Can't you? Aren't you able to drain energy from others?" Nevski asked.

"Life energy." I corrected. "I am very much alive, but drained of Force energy. Draining life from others detracts from the very energy I'm lacking."

"Yuthura, if you can't do this..."

I raised my arm. "Please don't argue anymore. I'm not going to let half a world be destroyed if I could stop it. Please just let me rest."

I could not imagine that I could push myself so hard for people I didn't even know; maybe who didn't care about what I did with my life. For some reason, I couldn't turn away from this. I began to doubt that we would succeed, but I couldn't let Trevelyan or myself down. I had to make this work.

-----

"We're three minutes out. I'm going to have us go in at full speed to minimize the time I must keep the ship level. We might end up skidding to a stop, but the terrain is grassland." I said as we approached the second base's sensor range.

Juhani was watching me nervously as we came closer to T-minus zero. "Don't strain yourself this time. Nevski and I should help you support the ship as well."

"You can't. I have to do this alone because I'll be controlling the ship's course and descent. You two need only to slow us to a stop once we're over the landing site. Before then, I must take full control without any other influence."

Nevski turned his head to the left. "Are you ready for this?"

"Not really, but it's not like we have any other choice. You just do your job. I'll worry about mine." I concluded the conversation.

Nevski started powering down the ship's systems. "We're nearing ten kilometers. Cutting thrusters... now."

-----

I lost myself to a moment I hated while I was among the Sith. After I had become Uthar's second, we often rolled around in bed. Although we hated each other, it didn't stop us from giving in to our animal instincts now and again. Although he was everything I despised, I enjoyed those late-night sessions with him.

One night, shortly before Trevelyan crossed my path, we got down to business after the excitement was over. "The recruits we're getting are becoming less worthy than their predecessors." I complained.

"I've been teaching here for six years. They're no different than the last class." Uthar said.

"They're getting dumber, more wild, less devoted... Surely you've noticed?"

"Yes, I have. Perhaps they are following your example?"

"What?!"

"I had been expecting that you'd start using other tactics than... this. I'm not a fool to think you're doing this other than to advance your goals. If you think that I wouldn't be expecting you to usurp me, then you don't deserve to beat me." He stood up and began dressing himself.

"If you already know that, then why do you bother with me?"

"I enjoy being with a beautiful woman. I also enjoy watching you demean yourself." After he got on his uniform, he looked back at me. "It's all you're good for. That's why I'll always be the master... I don't have to bring myself to such depths as you to beat my enemies." He got in my face. "You're just a whore... and you're powerless against me."

-----

This time, I awoke more peacefully. I could barely focus on my surroundings and was of no use to the others. "How are you?" Juhani asked.

"I'll live. How was the landing this time?"

Nevski turned around. "We came in pretty hard, but all major systems are still online. Are you all right?"

I unfastened my seat harness and stood up. "We are still behind schedule. If we can..."

Nevski gently pushed me back into my seat. "You... are staying right here. We will clear the way and you can catch up. Until then..."

I nodded. "Rest. I won't argue with you on that."

Juhani placed her hand on my shoulder. "We'll contact you when the way is clear." When the two of them exited the ship, I threw my head back and fell asleep the instant I hit the headrest.

----

I was asleep for nearly an hour before I heard the comlink. "Yuthura? Are you there?"

I pivoted my head to find the comlink laying on the panel in front of the co-pilot's station. I extended my arm and grabbed it. "Yeah. I'm on my way."

"Nevski is already inside."

-----

My run through the second fortress went without incident. Nevski managed to arrange for a sensor diagnostic to take place during the time we would take off. To ensure we would not miss the window of opportunity, he gave me 90 minutes to go in and get back... I did it in 70.

For the twenty minutes of time we had before the sensors went down, the three of us had a casual conversation.

"So Yuthura, tell me about Master Zhar. What is he like as a Master to a single apprentice?" Nevski asked.

"He's... very strict about how I use passion to fuel my connection to the Force. He doesn't get angry like Vrook, but he doesn't allow me to progress to the next level if I don't do a task with a mastery of peace." I explained. "I can do something just as easily with passion as you could through peace, but if I use passion to accomplish my goals. Even if I succeed, he would just say 'again.' That gets frustrating."

"Quatra never forced that upon me. Often I used anger to fuel my connection to the Force, but she said it was alright as long as my feelings did not influence my actions." Juhani said.

I made a sound of interest. "Any chance I could train with him?"

"She..." Juhani emphasized. "...already has her hands full with three padawans. I don't think she'd be able to take on another." She said almost jokingly. "Who was your master... from before?"

"Master Kolchak."

She raised her head upon hearing the name. "He's still around. Why aren't you with him?"

I didn't answer.

Nevski looked at me as though he's seen a ghost or something. "You're Master Kolchak's apprentice... the one he lost... to the Sith."

I raised my head in surprise. "Yes... you sound as though you didn't know."

He shook his head. "He never spoke of you by name. In fact, he never really did speak of what happened before he settled on Coruscant."

"You know him?"

"He and I are acquainted. He's always been somewhat of a mystery to everyone. Never was willing to speak of his past. We've heard rumors that he had taken an apprentice, but nothing in his records indicated what happened before he came to Coruscant."

I looked at Nevski with an odd sense of respect or something. "There are no records that I was his apprentice? Or that he was my master?"

He shook his head. "They often don't have records of that... in order to isolate each Jedi from those that could be a liability. It was not unusual for that, but Alfred... he never really admitted that he ever took an apprentice. He was always very sensitive to the master/padawan relationship, which was where the rumors of a lost apprentice originated."

I pulled my head back in surprise. I had no idea that Alfred and I were shrouded in such mystery. I would have assumed he'd not speak of me, but that he pretended like I never existed... that was painful to know. I turned my head away to hide my feelings from their sight. "I suppose that he wanted to forget me and move on with his life. That was the best thing for him to do."

"I don't think he ever did resume his life after that. For the first decade of his service, he was a great Jedi Watchman. Always traveling from one place to another and giving hope and serving justice to those who needed it." He looked at me, very saddened. "Then he came to Coruscant and took up teaching in a classroom. Unlike Master Vrook or Zhar, he didn't have much enthusiasm and had really just kept to himself. That was a far cry from the Jedi he used to be."

I stared into Nevski's eyes with a great feeling of shame running through my thoughts. "I didn't want to hurt him. I was just doing what I thought was right."

"I'm not judging you. Master Kolchak knew the risks when he took you as an apprentice. Whatever happened to him after you left... it was ultimately his choice to make. He chose to his path, not you."

"But it was because of me that he..."

Juhani jumped in. "This is not the best time to talk about this. We need to be ready when the sensors go off-line."

Nevski was in the pilot's seat this time around. He turned forward and checked the clock he had set. "The diagnostic is scheduled to begin in three minutes, twenty four seconds. We'll know when they go down and should have a window of five minutes to power up and get out of range. Then Yuthura just has to take us in one last time and we'll not have to worry about being detected after that."

I leaned my head back and felt like I could fall asleep, but I soon was alerted to a new disturbing realization. I heard Nevski almost cry out in panic. "The countdown has ended, but the sensors have not gone off-line!"

"What?"

"I set the sensors to shut down at exactly this time, but they are still operational. It did not work."

"What if the timers are off? Could it have just been delayed or something?"

"No. They must have discovered what I did and stopped the diagnostic... damn!"

Juhani asked, "Then what do we do? Go back and shut them down?"

"There's no time. I have to take us up again." I said.

"Can you pull that off two more times?" Nevski asked.

"I don't think so, but I have no choice but to try."

"If you can't do it, then we can't risk..."

"I'm taking us out of here! We can't afford to lose any more time... we've only got a few hours to reach the third installation and leave the planet before the Sith transport ships arrive in orbit." I got myself ready to take us up again and concentrated all my focus on lifting the ship. "We're going up, so either strap yourselves in or we will crash."

"Hold on! Don't just..."

"Shut up! You're breaking my concentration!"

----

I put all my thoughts on the most defining moment of my life; when the strength of my anger conquered pure evil.

I had watched as all my friends have died and I have learned to avoid making attachments to others who would inevitably die as well. Omeesh had spent years trying to break me... although I refused to surrender to him, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would bow down and do whatever he asked. I have suffered so much pain... so much humiliation that it hurt just to live.

One night, I was left alone with him in his bedchamber. I came to realize that if he were gone, maybe the pain would stop. I took a knife he had been using and leveled it at his throat. A surge of adrenaline coursed through my veins as I drove the blade through with all the anger, rage, and hate of a thousand lifetimes.

His eyes opened, but he couldn't speak. He just gagged on his own blood and slowly suffocated. I moved myself to his ear and whispered "Never again will you hurt me." As he choked on his blood, I smiled for the first time that I could ever remember and I savored every moment of his suffering.

----

I was screaming in agony for a long time before main power had been restored. I had collapsed forward and fell into tears. I had never come to understand just how much Omeesh had hurt me. I knew that I would never see justice for what had been done to me or my friends.

With every fiber of my being, I hated Omeesh, but could never be free of him. He may be gone, but the memories would always continue to hurt me. It may have been that realization that was making me cry, but I was physically and mentally taxed.

Juhani held me in her arms and let me cry on her shoulder. Nevski also did what he could to comfort me, but it did very little to ease the pain. The last time I've had a moment like this was when Master Kolchak found me on that desolate planetoid. I remember his gentle voice telling me that he would not let anyone hurt me again. Although I greatly appreciated having them with me, it was not enough to make me forget that the mission was doomed at that point.

After a long period of silence, Juhani spoke very softly to Nevski. "You may have to take command now."

He shook his head. "I can't. Without Yuthura, we can't slip through the sensors. I know that I can't take us in. I don't have her... delicate touch with the Force. We'd lose the ship if I tried to put us down."

"Then what are we to do?"

"We'll just have to take out the two bases that we can and hope the Tupilov will not continue with the trade. They..."

"No... we have to take out that last base. If we don't the Sith could just re-negotiate for the Endurium... or steal it... or something. We need to leave nothing for either side to have. The Sith would think the Tupilov stole the weapons and destroyed the bases to cover their tracks. The Tupilov will think the Sith backstabed them. They will blame each other and both enemies lose." I explained.

"Yuthura, you can't pull off another landing in your condition, let alone get the last frequency. Even you can't deny that."

I breathed heavily. "You're right. I can't."

"Then we should attack the two bases with the modified proton torpedoes and leave. The original plan might still work if they don't know that a Republic ship was responsible. We've already done much more than would be enough to disrupt this trade. We should not risk endangering it all if we know you can't get the third frequency." Nevski declared.

I leaned my head back and tried to come up with another solution to the problem. There had to be a way in which I could get the last shield frequency that didn't involve landing the ship without power. Suddenly, a wild idea came that just might have been crazy enough to work. "Nevski, how far do we have to be from those sensors before our energy signature can be detected?"

"Ten kilometers, but that's the maximum limit of their range. We might be able to reach five or closer, but the risk of detection increases the closer we get. What are you suggesting?"

"We have an environmental suit among our stores of equipment. It could act like a space suit, is that right?"

Juhani answered. "Not quite. It could work in a vacuum, but it would only keep the one wearing it alive for a few minutes before they freeze to death. What are you thinking of doing?"

I paused a long moment before I made such a bold proposition. "If Nevski were to take us over the base, ten kilometers overhead, I could jump out wearing the suit and I can control my descent much easier than if I were controlling a 20 ton ship."

"No, you can't possibly expect us to go along with this. We would not be able to rescue you once you've jumped out. And there is no telling if you would be able to perform such a feat. We're talking about a jump from at least 10,000 meters without a parachute or anything to break your descent." Juhani protested.

"Do you think I don't know that? I could get in much faster, transmit the frequency to you and get out before the compound explodes. After that, you can pick me up and we all can leave this place forever." I said.

Nevski and Juhani looked at each other, not knowing if to let me try such a stunt. Juhani shrugged her shoulders. "If you want to try it, I can't stop you. Trevelyan would not let me hear the end of it if you die, though."

"Just say you were following your orders."

She looked at me almost as though she expected the worst. "I just hope you know what you're doing. I'll get the suit ready for you." She moved into the back compartment.

"I'll not be able to drop you directly over the base, so you'll need to control where you land and try not to attract attention where you chose to hit the ground. I'll take us there now. And I'll have to depressurize the back compartment, so get Juhani in here once you're ready."

"Understood. Have those proton torpedoes ready. When I transmit the last frequency, I'll get out of the base as quickly as possible. Wait for me to clear before you come back to bomb the last target."

-----

I was in the environmental suit and looking down upon my target. From 10,000 meters, the facility was still very massive, but it was about to get much larger once I made the jump.

"You can still back out of this. No one will think less of us if you don't want to try it." Nevski said over the intercom in the suit.

"I'm sure I can do it. I just need you to be ready when I signal you with the last frequency. I will see both of you soon enough." I cut communications before they could say goodbye and just leaped out of the open hatch.

At first, I was almost thrilled at the experience, but soon realized just how quickly the ship above me was shrinking from my sight. In only ten seconds, the 20 ton ship looked like an insect before it moved beyond my sight. I suddenly realized just how fast I was accelerating towards the surface.

The air was thin at such a great altitude, so my terminal velocity was much greater there than near the surface. It didn't mean much to know I would slow down as the air got thicker because I came to realize just how fast I was falling. I must have been dropping at 300 km/hour and still accelerated.

I did not use my Force abilities yet because I would have wasted the precious little energy I had if I did it before I reached terminal velocity. As I fell, I extended my arms and body to get as much wind resistance as possible, which slowed me down drastically, but still I was getting scared at just how fast I was going.

After terminal velocity was reached, I knew that I would only slow down from that point, but watched my altitude get lower and lower much faster than I had expected. When I was at about a thousand meters above the ground, I started breaking myself with the Force, but found it was more difficult because of the cumbersome suit I was wearing.

When I realized that I wasn't going to break myself in time, I knew I had to get rid of the suit, so I released a Force repulse... shedding the suit from around me. The sudden change in pressure on my body was harder than I expected, but it almost seemed to give me the drive I needed to harness my fall. Before, I was just slowing myself as much as was comfortable, but then I brought and extreme amount of stress on my body as I dropped below two hundred... excruciating G-forces below 100 meters... then I positioned myself to land on my feet... and felt myself hit the ground. Although painful, I knew I had not broken anything when I collapsed onto my back.

For a very long moment, I just laid there, letting my body adjust to the conditions at ground level. I had just made a 10 kilometer jump and survived without a parachute... they need to include that from now on.

When I heard activity going on in the distance, I realized that I landed inside the base's perimeter and was in plain sight. Standing up was painful, but it was something I could work through. The stealth field generator had not been recharged when I had the opportunity, so I had very little power left to work with. I sprinted to the main entrance uncloaked and with very little Force energy to aid my speed, but I got through without being seen.

-----

Once inside, I engaged my stealth field, but found it was almost impossible to sense anything around me. I had almost exhausted my Force energy and had to be much more careful this time. I couldn't reach the air vents without dropping the field, so I had to try and make it through the base without running into anyone in the hallways. I was being reckless with what little I had to work with, but I was desperate to get what I needed and get out before the stealth field died on me.

I was over an hour behind schedule when I started, but the fall made up for the lost time. I still had to move as fast as possible to find the shield control room. Each base was of a different layout, so there was no way to know if I could reach my destination in time. I could hear soldiers preparing themselves and their equipment for battle, adding even more pressure and obstacles to avoid while I moved through the base. I felt like I had just walked into the jaws of hell and kept going in the wrong direction, but I had no choice. I was desperate to end this.

When I was finally in the control room, I dropped my stealth field and simply killed everyone in the room except the chief engineer. I didn't care about being discrete at that point. When I tried draining his lifeforce, I found I was too weak. He grabbed my neck and threw me against a wall. Normally, I could have just gotten up and defended myself, but I struggled to stay awake.

Then I heard him activate a comm system and alert security to my presence. "I've found a Sith spy! Deck four, section forty! They're deceiving us! Repeat: Sith spy..." I threw my lightsaber and cut him to pieces, but knew I was too late. Everyone was going to be on top of me shortly.

I got back on my feet and ran to the control terminal. To get the shield frequency, I just inserted my lock breaker into an open slot. It didn't matter at that point whether I was breaking in since alarms were already blazing. I grabbed my comlink and contacted Nevski. "I've been discovered! Start the bombing run now... I'll transmit the frequency when I have it."

"If we don't have the third frequency, I wouldn't..."

"Start your attack on the other bases first! When you have the last frequency, return here to finish the job! I'll try to get out before then!"

"What if you're..."

"Start the bombing run now!" Two guards armed with assault riffles came into view to my left. Given the dead bodies laying at my feet, they didn't bother to demand my surrender, so they started shooting on sight. I activated my lightsaber just in time to block the shots, but I didn't deflect them back to their source like I intended.

After nearly being hit by their own shots, they took cover behind a corner and started firing volleys and ducking for cover. I didn't have time to wait for a clean shot, so I just reached out with the Force and grabbed one of their guns and directed it at the other's foot. When the guy realized he shot his own ally, he let go of the gun instinctively, not knowing I still had control of it. Instead of hitting the floor, the weapon spun around in the air and eventually pointed at him.

After hearing the body hit the deck, I looked back at the terminal and got what I came for. I grabbed the comlink, "Nevski, the frequency is 384 mark 671. I'm getting out!"

-----

I knew the place was going to be crawling with guards quickly, so I ran through the nearby corridor. When I reached the door, a squad of soldiers had already started firing at me from behind. I tried deflecting their shots, but got hit in the leg. My armor protected me against the second blast to my side.

I managed to get the door open and crawled through before seeing two grenades coming at me. I reached out my arm and managed to close the door before they exploded in my face. After hearing the explosions, I jammed the door shut with my lightsaber and fell to the floor in exhaustion. In that precious moment, I injected myself with a battle stimulant and checked the shot I took to my leg. While painful, it was only a flesh wound. I just had to tough it out.

When I heard the soldiers trying to get through the door, I jumped back on my feet and started running wherever I could. Four more guards tried to cut me off, but I shot them with a blast of electricity. I knew it was a mistake to waste what little Force energy I could muster, but it was done.

When I reached the main entrance, soldiers were already pouring through that room faster than I could kill them. I saw an opportunity to get through the entrance, but I needed more than just my lightsaber against all those blasters. After activating my personal shield, I was getting ready to make a leap of faith before I confronted by two more soldiers that appeared from another hallway.

I should have just taken my chance when I could, but they pinned me down and started shooting with everything they had. Although I deflected their shots back at them, I took several more from the soldiers near the entrance. The shield saved me from certain death, but by the time I had ducked from their sights, it had burned itself out.

Without that shield, I could no longer go forward, so I had to fall back and find another way out. More soldiers started coming in from behind and cut off my only means of retreat. Their blasters started blazing, but I had no means to dodge the shots because the only way I could go was towards the source. I deflected as many as I could, but couldn't keep it up... I was doing whatever I could to block the shots that I didn't care where they went as long as it wasn't me they hit.

In desperation, I threw my lightsaber towards them and jumped back. My hope was that before I hit the floor and became a still target, that my lightsaber would take them out. When I was on my back, I heard the saber cutting through flesh, but I didn't know how many I got. If even one were still standing, I was dead.

When the lightsaber hit the floor, I heard silence. I lifted my head to confirm that I had killed all four with that desperate throw. Every instinct told me to take a sigh of relief and relax, but I knew that I was not out of danger yet. I pulled myself to my feet and grabbed my lightsaber before I started running again.

I ran back down the hall from where I came and made a right turn, but soon found myself at a dead end. My only means of escape had been cut off, so I needed another. When I attempted to cut through the wall with my lightsaber, I realized the duracrete wall must have been over a meter thick. The other walls were clearly laced with fuel and power conduits, so I couldn't cut through them without blowing myself up. There was no way out except through dozens of fully equipped soldiers. My only defense against them was a lightsaber, but I knew I was doomed. After exhausting myself to the point of collapse, I took my final stand here.

I positioned myself around a corner to allow me some cover, but it didn't keep grenades from being thrown near my position. I was deflecting their shots as best I could with the lightsaber, but since I couldn't see my enemies, I was just redirecting missed shots from one blank wall to another. There was no point in it, but if there was even the slightest chance of scoring a hit... at least that's one more I take with me.

There were too many of them and it was only a matter of time before I found myself in the blast radius of a plasma grenade. I just stared at the red object as it rolled closer to me, but my reflexes weren't telling me to dive for cover. When it detonated, the fire bomb singed my left lekku and face. My cloths were scorched, but nothing serious came to the rest of my body from the flames.

I was knocked to the floor, also deafened by the sound and couldn't summon the strength to stand. I managed to look over my left shoulder and suddenly felt a terrible pain erupt in my left chest. I pulled myself out of the line of fire, but the damage had already been done.

As I tried to inhale, I choked on blood. A hole in my chest left my rib cage shattered and punctured the lung it was supposed to protect. The pain was excruciating and only got worse. I knew that I couldn't possibly escape death this time. I wanted to end the pain, but lacked the strength to reach my lightsaber and finish it.

Blasters continued firing for a long time after I had fallen, but I noticed that they began dying down. When they fell silent, I couldn't understand why I wasn't dead. Darkness took me, but I was not unconscious. That must have been what death felt like, but it was nothing like I expected.

Although I couldn't open my eyes, I could barely hear over the ringing in my ears a woman's voice. "No... no!" I felt a gentle touch on my neck. "She's alive, but dying... No! We must stabilize her before she can be moved."

"If we don't get out of here, we'll be overwhelmed!" came a man's voice.

"If we move her, she'll die... and we'll have killed her."

A moment passed. "Give me your lightsabers. I'll hold them off as long as I can. Hurry!"

I could hear her whispering to me. "Please hold on... just a few more minutes." The pain in the left side of my chest was going away as the gentle touch of her hand relieved the hurt. "Almost... and an injection of dilaphin should be enough for now... Done!" Then pain returned when I was flung over her shoulder. "I've got her. Just watch my back." When the pain became too intense, I finally passed out.

-----

The ringing still echoed in my ears, but I could hear the rumble of a hyperdrive and the breathing of another. I couldn't feel my body; I was numb. As I stretched myself across the bed, I groaned as if in pain, but because I was drugged, I didn't feel anything.

I heard her voice very softly over the ringing. "Careful! Your internals are barely being held together. Keep still."

I opened my eyes and saw Juhani hovering over me. I was having trouble breathing, but there was no pain. I spoke very weakly, "You... came for me." I saw a nasty wound on her right shoulder. "You should have that treated."

"With what? We used everything we had to keep you alive."

I lifted my head off the pillow and saw Nevski beside her. "You were there as well. I told you to bomb the targets."

"They were. I programed the computer to make the bombing run automatically. Since I didn't need to be aboard, we decided to rescue you."

"What if... something went wrong?"

"It was a risk I was willing to take." Nevski stated.

"As your commanding officer, I should reprimand you for that." I laid my head back and closed my eyes. "As a friend, I thank both of you. What's the prognosis?"

Juhani grimly stated "You took two blaster shots to your left ribs. You have a punctured lung which will likely have to be replaced. You suffered second and third degree burns to your arms and lekku. There was also shrapnel throughout your body that I've been able to remove."

"Thank-you."

She smiled at me. "Other than that, how do you feel?"

"Like I was ripped apart and had my internals stuffed back in." I chuckled and coughed up more blood.

"Careful! You're only breathing on one lung. I stabilized your condition, but you'll have to take it easy until we get you to a kolto tank." She grabbed a towel and wiped away the blood.

"When will we be back?"

"We're 18 hours away. You should rest now." Nevski answered.

"Wait... what happened on Kuril after we left?"

She looked at me very sadly. "The Sith had intended to double-cross the Tupilov in the first place. They stole much of the Endurium that had been prepared for the trade. They had effectively planned ahead on how to take what they could and leave the Tupilov with nothing."

I sighed in great frustration. "All that for nothing."

Nevski spoke up. "No. We were able to prevent one side from being eradicated. The people of Kuril will have to settle their problems by themselves. By destroying the weapons and turning the Tupilov against the Sith, we may have gained another ally against a common enemy." He leaned over me. "You're a hero. You understand?"

"You're a hero." Juhani added.

I chuckled weakly. "We were in this together. Besides, you were the ones who saved me. Remember?"

They both kept smiling at me. "You should rest now. We'll take care of you."

It felt so rewarding to hear myself called a hero. It made me smile to know that I made a difference to so many. This must be how Trevelyan feels which gives him such peace. I turned my head away and let myself fall into a blissful sleep.

-----

When I was woken up, I didn't want to get out of bed. Juhani told me to sleep just a while ago; now she's forcing me to get up?

"We're back now. We have to get you to a kolto tank, so get up and we'll take you the rest of the way." Nevski said.

I leaned forward and saw that I was in my underwear. It didn't bother me that I was exposed, but I didn't like others seeing the bandages throughout my body. "Where's my robe?" Juhani handed it to me. She even offered to dress me, but I could do it myself. The two gave me some privacy and I saw the extent of the damage. My left leg was covered with cuts and open wounds from a fragmentation grenade. My left lekku was bandaged almost completely. I was glad that I was numb to the pain, or I might have been screaming like I was on Sleheyron.

After I got dressed, I was able to stand up and went through the door. The two placed my arms over their shoulders and carried me down the loading ramp. When we emerged I heard great applause from everyone in the temple. They had gathered in the hanger to welcome us back. It made me smile. "They're honoring us?"

Juhani smiled at me. "It's you, Yuthura. They honor you."

I was offered a stretcher, but I didn't want to show weakness, so I tried walking on my own. I managed only got a few steps before collapsing. They caught me before I landed on my face and Juhani said that they would not think less of me if I accepted the stretcher. I looked at the crowd and then nodded.

As I was being carried through, everyone gathered around me. I heard nothing but compliments and praise. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I felt like I was no longer an outcast to them... that I have earned their trust again.

"Congratulations."

"You've become a true jedi."

"You were great."

Kavar walked along side me. "I'm sorry you were put in that position. You were brilliant to come up with a solution to those advanced sensors. Many lives were saved because of you."

"Thanks. That means a lot." I replied.

"Welcome home." Vash said.

I caught sight of Dustil Onasi. He hovered over me. "I can't believe I once called you 'master.' To think you would turn to the jedi? That made me laugh."

I smiled very cheerfully. "So you came all this way to ridicule me?"

"I really didn't have anywhere else to go. The Father said you had come here and I guess I had to see it for myself."

"And...?"

"How could one as wicked as you be accepted by these people?"

"I shouldn't have been... I was forced upon them. They would accept you if that's what you want."

He shook his head and smiled at me. "If you think I'm calling you 'master' again, you're wrong."

"You never did on Korriban. I would have killed you for such disrespect, had Uthar not found it amusing." He laughed out loud. "You think I'm joking, don't you?" He looked at me more seriously, then backed away. He understood that I was stating a fact. If Uthar hadn't stopped me, I would have made an example out of him.

"You've not only met my expectations, but you've far exceeded them." Vrook stated.

"I could think of no higher praise than that." Zhar stated. "I don't think any more training is required for you. You've been nominated for the rank of jedi knight and we'll hold a ceremony after you recover."

Despite all their praise, I was almost desperate for Trevelyan. I wanted to see him more than anyone else. I grabbed Master Zhar's arm and pulled him towards me. "Where is Trevelyan? Is he here?"

"He is currently on a mission of his own. He has been informed of your success and should be back in a few days." He replied.

-----

I was taken to the medical facility within the enclave. There was a surgical suite, a kolto tank room, and a patient recovery area. Unlike other facilities, the jedi mainly employ sentients for the medical staff over droids. This is probably just another tradition of the order.

I was carried into a private room with a single kolto tank and a medical bed. A female human nurse was left to tend to my wounds. Before I could be treated with kolto, I had to remove my cloths. I even had to take off my top so she could remove the bandages covering my ribs.

As I was laid on the bed under a bright light with my breasts exposed, it brought back many unpleasant memories of Sleheyron. The chastisement chamber was often filled with slaves stripped of their clothing so they could be beaten and humiliated for Omeesh's amusement. This was like being in that horrible room again.

When she began removing the bandages from my lekku, I couldn't stand it anymore. The lekku were the most sensitive part of a twi'lek's body and I wouldn't let another handle them again. I let out a force wave and threw her hard against the wall.

I gasped in horror at what I had just done. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..." She was not moving. I rolled onto the floor and crawled over to her... she still had a pulse, but I may have just broken her neck. "Help! Someone, Help!"

Two others heard my call and rushed in to help. "What happened?!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...!"

She grabbed a comlink. "We need a medical team in here now! We need to get her into surgery!"

I was still half naked and in despair at the thought of having killed yet another innocent. When the team entered the room, the two nurses carried me to the kolto tank; I was still a patient after all. I was sedated, despite being too weak to put up any kind of resistance. I soon lost consciousness.


	15. Righting Old Wrongs

It had been nearly a decade since I had escaped from Sleheyron. I still remembered the day I was left on that miserable planetoid and when I was discovered by Master Kolchak.

The star overhead had been beating down hard upon me for the last few days. Although twi'leks were adept at surviving in harsh environments, I was not going to survive there for very long. I still carried the knife that killed Omeesh, so I could cut into the plants and survived off its water. There was no wildlife or edible vegetation, so I would have starved to death. The water had extended my life by weeks, but for what purpose?

As I took shade under one of them, I already began to feel the pain of hunger nagging at my body. I didn't know why I hadn't used the knife to just end my life there. Although I didn't want to die, I knew there was nothing left to live for. As much as I wanted to end the my... I felt... something that was driving me to live, or keeping me from dying.

After about 20 days (those on the planetiod were very short), I heard a deep rumbling in the distance. It didn't seem real, but I knew that I wasn't going mad. I could feel the vibration in my flesh, the wind shifting against my skin, and the shadow that the ship cast upon the ground as it passed between me and the star.

When the engines powered down, I saw a human leave the vessel. I've never seen him before, but he seemed familiar. As he walked across the landscape towards me, I was scared, not knowing if he intended to harm me as had Omeesh. I didn't know about anything outside of Omeesh's palace.

I tried to stand, but was very weak and knew that my best hope was to remain hidden. Of course, this man may have been my best hope of survival... but why survive? I had no desire to become someone else's property again. I didn't want to escape one master only to have another.

He caught sight of me and slowly approached. I had no idea what he intended... would he have taken me with him? Did he intend to take me for his own? Would he hurt me? That's all anyone outside had ever done. Fear clouded my mind and I got into a fetal position as if it would protect me.

When he was a few meters away, he stopped and gently called to me in twi'lek. [I'm Alfred Kolchak. Are you all right?]

I slowly raised my head and looked at him.

He extended his hand towards me. [It's all right. I'm not going to hurt you.]

I yelled out in Basic. "Please go away!"

He replied in basic, "I know you're scared, but I've come to take you away from this place. You need not fear me." He got to a knee. "What's your name?"

I was shaking at what I was hearing. I've been tricked by kindness far too many times to let myself be lured by his pleasant words, but I answered. "Yu... Yuthura."

He smiled and slowly came closer. "I'm glad to meet you, Yuthura. Can you stand?"

"Stay away!"

He refrained from taking another step. "Yuthura... I know that you do not wish to be here. I know that you're afraid, but if you wish to leave here... I can take you back to your home, or I could..."

Suddenly, terror took over my mind and I lost all control of myself. The thought of being returned to that horrible world was too much for me handle. I curled into a ball and wished so much to be... anywhere else. I had no reason to trust him, but I wanted so much to believe that he meant what he said. Suddenly, I felt his gentle touch on my back.

In an instant, it was like all the fear and terror was gone. Just feeling him was almost like knowing him. His gentle touch felt... wonderful. It was like everything that Omeesh was not. He softly spoke to me. "It's all right. You're going to be all right." He covered me with his cloak and lifted me off the ground. His strength was impressive, he could have used me and I would not have been able to protect myself, but I wasn't afraid. There was no reason for me to think that I was going to be all right, but I felt I could trust this man. I wanted to believe what he was saying, so much that I was able to fall asleep in his arms.

-----

I had awoken in a soft, warm bed with the human at my side. He handed me a piece of fruit and I snatched and fed on it so greedily, that I was ashamed at myself. I was just so hungary that I didn't have manners on the back on my mind. Of course, he was very patient and let me feast until I couldn't eat any more.

I could barely remember those first two days, but there were words that I could never forget. They could warm my heart forever. "I won't let anyone hurt you again."

-----

Such a pleasant dream soon cleared to the reality of what had happened. The pain and the numbness were gone. For a moment, I thought I was back where I started, but I saw that I was in the presence of Master Vash. Without any expression on her face, she addressed me. "Good morning."

I quickly leaned forward. "That nurse! Is she?"

"No. She's not dead." I sighed in great relief and fell back to the bed. "Her back was broken in two places. She will suffer the consequences of your actions for the next few days. You were lucky she wasn't paralyzed... or worse. What happened there?"

I didn't look at her. "She was... handling my lekku. It felt very much like being on Sleheyron again. I was naked, under a bright light, my body had been abused. When she removed the bandages from my lekku... it hurt. It was instinct for me to keep myself from being hurt again."

"Well, your instincts almost killed her."

I held my head in shame. "So what happens now?"

"That depends on you."

I faced her, wanting a real answer. "What do you mean?"

"You can learn to control your instincts and act like a Jedi, or you can let them dominate your actions again."

I buried my head in my hands. "I want to control my instincts... I try to control them... I don't know if I ever will."

"An honest answer."

"Has Trevelyan returned? Does he know about this?"

"He'll be arriving tomorrow. And no, he hasn't been informed." She took a pad out of her pocket and smiled as she handed it to me. "In the meantime, you'll have to stay here for a few days. You've received 42 personal messages and I'm sure you'd like to read them." She stood up to leave.

I grabbed the sleeve of her cloak. "One more thing... Master Zhar said that I was going to be promoted to Jedi knight. How does this...?"

She gave me a very sympathetic expression. "That's yet to be determined. When you're well enough, we will be debating your conduct during the mission. In the meantime, you've got some light reading." She walked out of the room.

Although I was concerned with my promotion, I was more eager to look at the messages I received. I found Trevelyan's name and was excited to hear from him.

-----

"Yuthura, I've received over a dozen messages regarding you in the last two days. If they are praising me for what you have done, then you must've been great. I knew you could do it! I hope you understand that as well.

Juhani told me how you kept your head about you even during extreme conditions. She also told me that you put the mission before yourself... and that you would have died had she and Nevski followed your orders. You should be proud of yourself. I don't know how I should feel about what you did, but I'm glad that you're all right. If you don't believe me, ask Juhani about the message I sent her.

I also got a message from Master Kolchak. He really wants to see you. I don't know why you have been avoiding him, but I wish you would put it behind you. Please do this, if not for him, then for yourself.

I was informed that you were badly injured. I wish I could be there for you, but all I could do at this time is hope you have a quick and painless recovery. I'll be back within the week, so I will see you then. May the Force be with you.

-Trevelyan"

-----

I lowered the pad and wondered how he would have written it had he known about the incident afterwards. Would he have been concerned or disappointed?

I took a look at the list of messages and saw that I had a number from Master Kolchak over the last two weeks. He has been trying to contact me and I just kept brushing him out of my mind. Trevelyan was right: whatever my reasons, I should have put them behind me and see my old master. If might have given him some peace to see me again, I owe him at least that much.

I got myself out of bed and slowly stood up. I was very weak, but at least the pain was gone. My robe, lightsaber, and boots were on a chair across the room. I pulled them toward me and changed into them. I clipped my lightsaber to my belt and slowly walked out. I was not supposed to leave, but I've never been one to listen to the rules. Since I was not dying, I didn't need to be there and I wasn't going into action any time soon. I might as well have gotten out of their hair, or so the expression meant.

I had managed to sneak out without being seen, but I ran into Mission Vao and her wookie friend, Zalbar. "Yuthura? We were just coming to see you."

I didn't want to be held up by the two, so I honestly said "Visiting hours are over."

"Trevelyan said you'd be off your feet for about a week. He thought you might like some company."

"That's very much appreciated, but I have somewhere I need to be."

She gave me a frustrated look. "I suppose jedi don't even get sick leave, do they?"

"I'm well enough, but thank-you."

"Come on Big 'Z.' I suppose the Hero of Kuril is too busy for us."

"Hero of Kuril?"

"Yeah. That's what everyone's calling you. Don't tell me you haven't heard."

"Actually, I've been in a Kolto tank for the last two days."

"Oh... well... you're famous now."

I laughed out loud and it hurt my new lung, but I didn't show it. "I really do have to be somewhere. I'll keep in touch."

-----

I walked slowly through the temple and came across three Jedi that smiled and nodded at me. I didn't even know them, but one started a conversation with me. "Are you Master Yuthura?"

I chuckled a bit. "'Master Yuthura.' Been a while since I've been called that." I looked directly at the kid. "No, I'm not a master, or even a knight for that matter. Anyway, is there something you needed?"

"I was wondering what you're planning to do in the near future."

I didn't want to be bothered by another with a pointless conversation, but I didn't dismiss him. "If you want to follow... I'll listen." He started walking beside me. "I don't know. I haven't planned that far ahead. Why do you ask?"

"Have you considered taking a padawan?"

"I don't know. I haven't given it much thought." I considered the idea for a moment. "One day, maybe."

"If you did, would you be willing to consider taking me?"

I laughed and smiled at how ridiculous the request was. "You want to study under the Hero of Kuril?" I kept laughing.

He gave me a very serious look. "I would like to study under Yuthura Ban if she would have me."

I stopped right there and looked at the boy. I've never been asked such a thing and didn't expect anyone would. "Despite what you may have heard in the last few days, I would not be the best master to have. The truth is that I'm not a good example to follow. I'm flattered, but you should not put too much faith in me."

"I've looked over your records and I really would prefer to learn from you over any other."

I was flooded with emotions and didn't know what to think. "Why me?"

"You are the only one who has ever served the dark side and turned away from it of her own accord. No one's ever done such a thing."

I looked away and tried to answer. "I suppose no one is beyond redemption. The truth is that I was never a very good Sith. Most just want to take power for themselves. I joined for... other reasons."

"Fighting slavery?" He asked.

"Yes, actually." I smiled when I heard that he must really have handpicked me from a wide range of others. As much as I may enjoy training another, I knew that I wasn't ready for it yet. I sighed, "I'm sorry but I can't take on a padawan... I can barely take care of myself right now. I am flattered that you would want me of all the others, but you should choose someone else." I kept walking, but stopped for a moment and looked back to see disappointment on his face. "I was glad to meet you padawan..."

"Ross Senegal."

I turned back and kept walking down the Main Hall of the Enclave. It was from there that I could find an elevator to the upper levels. Master Kolchak's quarters were a few floors above mine and it was likely that I could find him there that early in the day.

My heart rate was very high. The last time we spoke, I tried to kill him. What could I possibly have done or said that would change that? As I prepared to confront my guilt, I became engulfed by my memories... they consumed me.

-----

It had been three years since I escaped from Sleheyron. Despite my best efforts, the Jedi have abandoned me. They were never going to fight slavery. They wanted nothing more than to forgive the guilty, but I could not allow such cruelties to go unpunished. They said it was their duty to protect those who couldn't defend themselves. If they wouldn't do it, it was up to me.

I had no choice but to find another means to combat the wickedness of slavery. It seemed as though no one cared whether I lived or died. They were all glad to watch me go... all except one.

"Yuthura, please don't go."

"I've made my decision, Alfred. I'm not going to change it."

"I know that you've been dealing with the Sith. The Council would understand. You can end this now and come back."

"I'm doing what is right."

"You're turning your back on everything the Jedi stand for. How can you believe that is right?"

I turned to face him. "I didn't turn my back on them. They've turned their backs on those they've sworn to protect. If the Jedi won't do anything about it, then I will."

"You suffer... I see it day by day. It was spawned on Sleheyron, but it feeds on your hate. If you go to the Sith, you'll doom yourself to and endless cycle of death and destruction. The only way to end that cycle is through peace."

I slowly shook my head. "There is no peace... not for me. I'm sorry." I turned away from him again.

"Please... don't do this! If you go to the sith, then I would have no choice but to stop you."

I turned my head just enough for him to see a tear in my eye. "Please... just let me go."

"I don't want you to die! For the sake of the Force... don't do this!" He grabbed me from behind and restrained me in his arms. "Please listen to me!"

"Get off of me!" I shrieked as a terrible rage swelled beyond anything I've ever felt before. It allowed me to break myself free of his grasp and throw him onto the ground. I grabbed my lightsaber and turned to strike him down, but he engaged his saber just before I could deliver the blow.

For several seconds, I swung my saber repeatedly as he was on his back deflecting the blows. His skills were enough to best my strength and throw me off balance long enough to get back on his feet. I was so enraged that he didn't die... I just attacked him with all the anger I had restrained for three years. It felt so good to finally vent all my rage. I was almost glad to have an excuse to kill my own master.

The one who rescued me from that desolate planetoid... the one who believed in me when no one else would... my friend... my master... the only one who loved me... I had forgotten all of it. All that mattered was freeing myself from him and all that he represented.

I kept attacking with so much fury that I forgot to pace myself. Within a minute, I had exhausted my strength and could not sustain my attacks any longer. I started going on the defensive as he came back with a seemingly endless flurry of attacks and lances.

In desperation, I deflected his lance and spun myself to get between him and his sword of light. I didn't expect him to drop his weapon and grab me from behind and lock his arms around so I couldn't break free and pinned me to the ground. "For the love of god, Yuthura! Please!"

His plea didn't matter to me. All I wanted was to be free of him, so I shot a Force wave, throwing him back several meters. I came at him again, but he threw me back with the same attack and I was knocked to the ground. Then he reached out and took hold of my neck with the Force, cutting off my breathing. It was such a strong hold that I was pulled to my feet and soon lifted off the ground. I was surprised that he would ever do such a thing, but I was suffocating. If I could have spoken, I would have pleaded for mercy, but it eventually came anyway.

I dropped to my hands and knees, gasping for breath. Somehow, I expected forgiveness, but as I looked into his eyes, something was gone. I never noticed it before, but he truly cared for me. It used to show every time he looked at me... the look was gone.

In a very sorrowful tone, he spoke his last words to me. "I tried to help you. I loved you more than my own life. I knew your experience from Sleheyron pained you and I tried to relieve you of it. I tried to show you peace, but you were more interested in revenge than freeing yourself of that pain. Since you have chosen to feed your anger, I will teach you no longer. If you wish to damn yourself, then know this: Omeesh didn't break you... you've destroyed yourself."

He walked up to me and almost whispered to me. "You are a detestable creature. Something that I despise, but I will not kill you. Go now and follow your hatred if that is what you want. Go now... and be damned." He turned around, picked up his lightsaber, and walked away... never looking back.

I was left alone in that field. The words he used perfectly carved up my soul and hurt me more than any device Omeesh used on his slaves. And when he left me, I had nothing left but my hate and anger. He could have just spared both our feelings and let me go, but he wanted to make my departure as painful as he could.

In the moment that followed, I said something to him... knowing he wasn't there to listen. "I will join the sith and I will show you just what I can do. From the ashes, a fire has been woken. My anger will burn across the galaxy and I will hunt down and destroy all who prey on the helpless. Let the slavers beware... for I will unleash hell upon them."

-----

As I thought upon that battle, I couldn't escape that I had indeed become a monster. All he wanted was to save me from myself, but I wouldn't listen. I just wanted to give in to my lust for revenge as if it would make my pain go away. He just wanted to ease me of that pain.

Alfred was not my master; he was like my father. He loved me as he would have his own child and I made him suffer because of it. He had every right to hate me and I didn't want him to think he meant nothing to me... I just did what I thought was right. Now that I knew the truth, he at least deserved an explanation for what I did.


	16. Reunited

When I was in front of his door, I struggled to knock, but he felt my presence and knew I was there. A few seconds later, the door slid open and we looked upon each other again. He has changed very little since the last time I saw him. My tattoos seemed to define a completely different person from the one that abandoned him five years ago.

For a long moment, we just stared at each other. I did not know if I could say anything that could ease his pain. Maybe everything that needed to be was already said. He took a deep breath and said his piece: "When I first heard that you had returned to Dantoinne... I didn't know what to believe."

I found that I didn't know what to say... I just stood there for another long moment before I dared talk. "The last time we spoke, you said that you despised me... that I had destroyed myself. I returned kindness with hate." I inhaled very nervously. "Why did you not kill me?"

He turned his head to the left and hesitated to answer. "I tried... but it was too painful for me. I knew that you were not acting out of malice, but out of desperation. I didn't like what you had done, but I understood why you did it."

I shook my head. "No. There is nothing worse than a monster who thinks she has a just cause... that's what I had become. You had every right to detest me." I lowered my head in guilt. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." I turned around and tried to withdraw from his sight.

He stepped into the hallway. "Wait. Where are you going?"

I turned around. "My presence must be a torment to you. I didn't wish to force myself upon you."

"Please, don't leave." He got in front of me and very gently placed his hands on my shoulders. He gestured toward the door. "Please come in."

I was afraid to turn around and enter, but he had guided me towards his doorway and into his living room. I desperately wanted to leave, but I knew that I had to do this. If not for myself, then for one I had hurt so many years ago.

"When I first heard that you turned away from the sith... I didn't know what to think. I wanted so much to believe that you had truly done it, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was just a ruse conjured by them. You were capable of such acts."

I tilted my head in guilt and answered, "Yes." I hesitated to ask, "What do you think of me now?"

He began to study my face, placed his hand on my forehead and moved his fingers along the interweaving of the tattoos. He felt the flesh along my cheek and under my neck. I didn't know what to expect next. I was scared that I would wound him more deeply by coming back into his life than anything else. I closed my eyes and hoped that I wouldn't hurt him. A moment later, he had me in his arms.

I was not fully healed, so I let out a painful groan. "Ribs! Watch the ribs!"

He quickly backed away. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you... wait, they wouldn't have discharged you from the medical ward in this condition." I gave him my 'innocent' expression. He shook his head. "You still don't listen to good advice... even when it's in your own best interest."

"I wanted to see you."

He came up to me and gave a more gentle embrace with his arms on my shoulders and mine around his waist. We held on to each other for a long, tender moment and I started crying at how much I missed him. I didn't want him to see me like this, but I couldn't escape the guilt I felt for having hurt him so long ago. When we pulled away from each other, I saw that he was crying as well. It was embarrassing to see his weakness, but it truly felt good to know he missed me... that he worried about me.

"Master, I'm so sorry."

He placed his hand under my neck and his forehead against mine. "I thought I lost you forever. You have no idea how much it means to see you again."

I must have had a big, dumb, grin on my face, but I was so glad to see him again. "It's good to be back after so long. There's so much I wanted to tell you... I don't know where to begin."

-----

"We spoke for over an hour about a wide range of topics. I told him about many of my crimes while I was a sith. He told me about how hard it was to lose me. It pained me to hear him apologizing for failing me... it was me who failed him.

I learned that he had stopped training apprentices after losing me. Instead, he taught classes at the Couriscant Academy. It was terrible to know that I had such an effect on so many others when I left.

He also explained why he hasn't seen me since my return. Trevelyan believed that the best way for me to reintegrate with the jedi was to sit back and allow me to choose when I would deal with my past. It must have been hard for Alfred to watch me from a distance, not knowing if I would ever return to him. I regret that I didn't approach him sooner.

I spent most of my time apologizing for my sins. I explained that I had forgotten about the slavers, but was reminded by Trevelyan. "He made me realize that all I ever wanted was peace... to be free of the pain of my memories. When he made me see that, I knew my place was not with them."

I sighed in embarrassment. "As for being free to do as I wished; I never felt more trapped on Sleheyron than I did on Korriban. I still don't know why I never realized it."

"The darkside is hard to see. You should be proud of yourself for turning away from it. I know that you have done terrible acts, but in the end, you saw what you had become and turned away from it." He stared at me, displaying a proud smile. "I'm glad to have you back. Are there any others who you knew from before? Did you make contact with any friends from Dantoinne?"

"Few, but I don't think they would call me 'friend' anymore. I've made some since I've been back. Most came through Trevelyan."

"Can I ask a question?" He said.

I nodded.

"Why did you trust Trevelyan when you believed he was still a sith?"

"He... went to great lengths to reach out to me. When I looked at him, he reminded me of a time before I became a sith." I smiled and chuckled. "In many ways, he reminded me of you. We soon became friends and I found him to be a great man. By the time he and I challenged Uthar, my sith master, we succeeded." I took a deep breath and reluctantly continued. "But the code of the sith required that the strongest must rule and the weak must yield. I knew in my heart that Trevelyan was superior to me... I betrayed him."

"How did he take it?"

"I think he expected it. He was more saddened than he was angry. When I was beaten, I begged him in the same way I did when we... and after sparing my life, he told me that it wasn't too late." My mind trailed off. "Those slaves still needed someone to fight for them. When he said that it could give me some peace, I understood what you tried to tell me so many years ago."

He smiled in anticipation. "What was it?"

Tears began to stream from my eyes. "I didn't leave the jedi because I wanted to fight slavery; I wanted to escape the pain of my memories." I sighed. "The only way I could ever live with myself was to accept what had happened. No power would ever quench my thirst for revenge... the only way I had was to stop wanting it."

He grinned when he heard me say that. "You've become wiser since then. I... have wondered if you would have done so well had I properly instructed you."

"Please stop blaming yourself. It was your teachings that inevitably lead me back to the light... I simply refused to listen. It wasn't until Trevelyan had beaten them into me that I learned. If he had an ounce of sense, he would have killed me a dozen times over."

After another laugh, he continued. "Well, I'm glad your back. Because I have something that you left behind. And I never knew what to do with it." He got out of his chair and walked into his bedroom.

I knew exactly what he was retrieving. To me, it had always been a tool with no sentimental value at all. I was almost hoping that it had remained on Dantoinne; it was built by someone else. It does not belong to me anymore.

He walked back into the living room with my old lightsaber wrapped in a cloth. He set it on the table in front of me and smiled with anticipation. I maintained a very solemn expression as I uncovered the weapon and examined it. I saw the scratches on the casing and remembered some of the specific events that caused the battle scars. I activated it; deploying the yellow blade of a sentinel. The feel of the weapon was not how I remembered.

I looked at my old master with the same solemn expression and he didn't understand why I was like that. I suppose the saber didn't reflect the person that holds it now. It was built by an angry, hate-filled child who had become a monster.

I deactivated the blade of light. "It's not mine anymore. It belonged to someone too interested in dealing out death and punishment. That is not who I want to be."

"Who you once were will always be part of who you are now. Please take it."

"I don't want it. It was what I used to attack you with. Besides, I have already built a new saber that reflects who I have become. If you give this to me, I'll just throw it away."

He sighed is disappointment. "Very well. I hope you change your mind. Until then, I'll continue to hold onto it." He wrapped it up and set it aside. Then he began thinking about something else. He faced me again, "I had once given you a necklace... I was wondering if you..."

I slowly moved my hand to the collar of my robe and pulled my most valued possession into view. It was a titanium chain with a small upari crystal suspended from it. This was the only possession I was allowed to have while among the order, but it was more than I ever had while I was a slave. It meant more to me than my lightsaber.

He grinned as it came into view. He held the crystal in his palm and was so happy to see it again. "I'm so glad that you kept it. I remember when I gave it to you... it meant so much for you to have this one treasure... you were satisfied to have nothing else because it was more than a slave could ever want. I feared you'd have thrown it away like you had your lightsaber." He kept grinning, but it soon faded when he saw how saddened I appeared.

"When I was with the sith, I kept it, yes... but not for the reason you think." I held the crystal in my hand. "This chain around me neck... was a chain that I chose to wear. The necklace was meant to remind me of the chains that the jedi tried to place around my neck. I used to value it like I would a slaver's collar. And it reminded me that the jedi were no better than the slavers I wanted to fight... only the chains they used were of a different kind."

Alfred was very hurt to hear that. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you thought of it in that way. You seemed to treasure it when I gave it to you."

I held his hands. "I don't think that way anymore... not even a little." I gestured to the crystal. "This reminds me of the person who saved me and tried to ease the pain of a previous life. It reminds me of the sacrifice that you went through for me. I owe it to you and Trevelyan to become the best jedi I can."

Alfred shook his head. "Don't do this for me. This kind of commitment should only be done if it is what you want. If you simply feel that you are obligated to this path because of Revan or me, then you won't be able to find peace."

"But a jedi's life is sacrifice. If I were doing this because I want to end slavery, how would that keep me from peace?"

"I was referring to guilt. If you were doing this because you feel guilty for betraying us, then you will have difficulty finding peace or serenity."

"I think you are wrong about that. Guilt is a powerful motivator. It was what made me turn away from the darkside. It forces one to better herself.

"I can't just forget everything that I've done; it wouldn't be right. The only way I can live with myself is if I can make reparations for what I've done. If I don't, then have I truly turned away from the sith?"

Alfred smiled and tried to embrace me again. I said, "Ribs..."

"That's it. I'm you back to the medical facility."

"I'm alright." I replied.

"You can either go back to bed, or get back to work. This isn't a holiday."

"Come on. I just saved a planet. Doesn't that deserve at least some time to myself?"

He gently pulled me into his arms and whispered into my ear. "It is good to have you back."

"It would be even better if I could train under your guidance again."

Alfred pulled himself away from me and put himself an arm's length away. "Zhar is a much better instructor than I. It comforts me to know you are in his hands."

I sighed in disappointment. "I will respect your wishes, but I would follow your wisdom with much more dedication than I would Zhar's."

"If I were retraining you, I would have to be just as harsh. I really would not like to go through all that again. Given what you've been through, you may grow to hate me again... I would rather that we could remain on speaking terms."

I nodded and jokingly said, "So I can hate Zhar all I want and it won't bother you?"

Alfred laughed out loud. "Try not to. I know he's as arrogant as anyone, but he does know what he's doing. Just pretend that you're training under me again."

"I'll try, but I don't think it'll work." We laughed at length before I heard the door chime.

"Enter." The door slid open and Alfred welcomed his guest. "Beleyla! Please come in. Would you like a drink?"

"No, but you do have something that I want." She stared at me with a fairly sharp frown.

"I'm on medical leave." I stated.

"Which involves you being in the medical ward. I'm to take you back... now."

I looked back with a 'kinrath pup' face. "I don't want to be there. The medical staff doesn't want me there. Everyone's happy."

She gave me a very serious stare to ensure I knew who was boss. Then, Alfred said, "Don't worry. I'll see to it that she returns to the ward. You can tell your superior that I will take care of that."

She gave a nod. "Very well. You are responsible for her return."

As she turned to leave, Alfred said "I'm sorry about Dantoinne. I know about your master."

She gave a slight nod. She then looked at both of us and likely held hard feelings that we were together and she didn't have her master. "Thank-you. Although I have strong reservations for her, I'm glad that she is with you again."

I tried to defend myself. "It wasn't personal, Beleya. I just did what I thought was right..."

"Save it. What I think doesn't matter. You've been forgiven and I have to live with that." She turned away to leave the room.

"What was that about?" Alfred asked.

"She doesn't think I should have been forgiven for teaching the sith on Korriban. She also had problems with anger, but has always done what was necessary to restrain it. She thinks I always had things too easy among the jedi and... I don't want to discuss it further."

He nodded. "Well you heard what she said. I'm taking you back to the ward."

"Master, please... I don't want to lay around all day. Can't I..."

"I'm now responsible for your return. If you don't comply, I will face the consequences." He stated.

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. You return of your own free will and stay in the ward until you've fully recovered."

"And you'll be there with me?"

He shook his head almost proudly. "I've got classes to teach. Once I'm done with them, then I'll visit you. Until that time... catch up on your studies." He stopped in his doorway and pointed a finger at me. "You're in enough trouble with the medical staff as it is. Don't make it worse."


	17. Mischievous Twi'lek

To Readers: This chapter is going to be changed significantly or removed. I don't have time to revise it at present, but I would like to keep updating. The next chapter is already written, but it just needs corrections... not a revision. It'll be up either later today or tomorrow. You won't be disappointed by the next update, but I think this chapter is just pointless; except to lead to the next one. My apologies.

---------

I've never been one to keep promises. I did exactly as I was instructed and returned to the medical ward... I just didn't decide to stay. After I hacked into a computer terminal, I changed the logs to indicate that I already spent six days there and could leave whenever I wanted. I almost marveled at my disobedience for very minor issues.

I walked out of the recovery room and logged out properly. One of the nurses that sedated me noticed that I was leaving early, but she didn't object to my departure. They must have figured that I was only hurting myself, so they cleared me.

I rarely go through vast marketplaces to look at useless junk that I'll never buy, but I rather enjoy watching commerce in action. These people aren't beyond the need for physical possessions and revolve around the credit. Although most people are interested in wasting their money there, I was more interested in finding something worth buying. For a jedi, that is restricted to little more than basic necessities, tools, or weapons.

I was still wearing Trevelyan's black robe and I figured that I needed something... different. I wasn't one for robes and really wanted some cloths that fit properly, so I took a little trip to a local marketing center. I needed something that would allow me to be less conspicuous while taking advantage of my twi'lek charm.

They say cloths make the man... I hope that also applies to woman. I never really thought about it, but I've never been able to dress myself in all my life. On Sleheyron, I wore what Omeesh found aesthetically pleasing. I followed jedi tradition and wore their dull, brown robes. Then I wore that unflattering gray sith uniform. Maybe if I got myself some cloths of my choice, it would make me feel more like my own person.

After searching various businesses, I found my new look: a silver and black Twi'lek garment that could be fitted with light armor plates. The entire ensemble was casual for a twi'lek, but a bit revealing for some species. The top exposed my midriff, but it would completely cover my arms and shoulders with a flame-resistant nylon fabric. I also got a new headband that could cover some of the tattoos on my forehead. It also had more decorative ribbons that laced around my lekku.

On top of the ensemble was a pair of light gauntlets equipped with collapsible grieves. The boots were made of military grade light fiber armor. I also purchased a small vibrosword with a sheath that I could strap across my back. This was purely decorative, but a solid blade often can be very intimidating to opponents.

I the mirror, I didn't look much like myself. I did like how I could actually see Alfred's necklace for once. The outfit served its purposes, but it also made me more attractive to the 'stronger' sex. I always had a power over men... although I would opt not to use it, I shouldn't ignore it. Total for my new look: 590 credits... courtesy of the jedi.

When I had what I needed, I took the monorail back to the enclave. Simply walking around seemed different than before... everyone who recognize my tattoos keep their distance, but there some individuals that don't know when to stay away. I encountered one on my way back.

"How can a sith walk around these parts?"

"I have as much right to be here as you." I replied.

"Just as you had to right to invade the Republic? You should all be imprisoned for what you've done."

I turned my back on the human male. "I'm not a sith anymore."

"Because your retched empire was shattered? Just do what's in your own interests?"

"I don't want any trouble."

"You destroyed my home... Taris and for what? You ******* selfish, planet-grabbing, empire-building freaks!" He grabbed my vibroblade from its sheath and attacked me. I dodged the blow, but fell to the deck. He then tried to deliver a killing blow, but I deflected it with my right foot and the sword clashed against the wall.

To end the fight, I wrapped my feet around his legs and tripped him up. The blade went flying towards the crowd, but I snagged it with the force and brought it back to my hand. Then I leveled the tip at his neck. "I'm not a sith anymore. If I were you would be dead now. I just want you to leave me alone."

"That's all we ever wanted, but the sith murdered everyone on my planet. Why do you deserve any better?"

For some reason, I felt I had to help this man. He wasn't cruel... just isolated and alone with a great pain in his heart. I sheathed my sword and extended my hand to him. After a moment of staring at it, he accepted. Then I asked, "Did you have family on Taris?"

"A wife, my mother, a sister... murdered."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Sorry? What good is 'sorry'?"

"I know the pain of loss that you must suffer. I know what it's like to hate someone with every fiber of your being. You may think that revenge would make that pain go away... nothing will. It's best to recognize that it's not revenge you seek, but escape from that pain. I know it's easy for others to tell you that, but anger and hate only makes it more difficult to think of anything else."

He looked at me with respect. "Why are you doing this? I just tried to kill you."

"I admit that I don't take kindly to that, but I think I understand why you did it. I don't hold any anger towards you... I wish you peace."

He saw my lightsaber and gave me an unusual smile. "You're a jedi... aren't you?"

"No. But I'm trying to live up to their example."

Just then, two security guards approached us. "Were you just using that?" Referring to the sword.

The man tried to explain, but I cut him off. "He wanted to see my vibrosword and I was a bit clumsy with it. No one was hurt."

He looked at us, unconvinced. "Alright, but weapons are not permitted on the monorail. I'll have to take that and you must pay a fine."

I looked at the guard, confused. "Fine?"

"Possession of a lethal weapon bears a 250 credit fine."

I used the mind trick on him. "I already paid the fine."

"Uh... yeah. You must have. Just don't cause anymore trouble. Good day."

"Officer." I smiled at how much I surpass all those around me. I love being able to tinker with weak minded fools. Then when I looked at myself in the window, I started to wonder if it was alright for me to misbehave as I have or if the Order expects more from me. I knew that I shouldn't be allowed to get away with carrying a vibroblade.

The man kept staring in awe. "You are a jedi. I'm sorry I tried to..."

"Don't worry about it." I faced him. "Try to let go of your anger. I know it's not easy, but the last thing you would want is to feed the emotions that cause you such pain. It was anger that lead me to the sith... and many others suffered because of it."

The monorail came to my stop and I exited the train. I turned back to see the man watching me as he disappeared from sight. I hope that I had some impact on him... I helped the ones that destroyed his life. I truly did nothing for him, but for reasons I couldn't explain, I carried my head high for the rest of that day.

-----

When I got back to the enclave, I was greeted by Master Kolchak at the front entrance. "I suppose I shouldn't trust you again."

I gave a very prideful smile. "I was released by the medical staff. They said I was fit enough to leave."

"Well... since you are 'well enough' to return to duty, Master Atris would like an audience with you."

"When?"

"Sometime before the end of the day." He looked at my outfit... although he didn't have any of those thoughts on his mind, he was attracted. He stared at my midriff. "How far do those tattoos go anyway?"

"Head to toe."

Then his eyes caught what was on my back. "What's with the vibroblade?"

I pulled it out of the sheath and held it out. "Purely for aesthetics. I just think that the sight of one of these is enough to scare enemies before the need to attack."

He shook his head. "A lightsaber would be more than enough. Besides, you'd find that a vibrosword is too cumbersome to carry with you all the time."

I waved the sword in front and looked at my reflection on the blade before sheathing and holding it at my side. "Waste of credits." We started walking into the enclave and through the main hall. "I got into a fight with someone who's home was destroyed by the sith."

"What kind of fight?"

"He tried to kill me."

Alfred looked at my, startled. "How did it end?"

"No one was hurt. I gave him some words of wisdom, but I don't know if it mattered. He believed I was a jedi."

"That could mean a lot to someone. You might have had a greater impact than you think."

I shook my head. "A lifetime of pain and anger is not something you can forget in a conversation. I just did what I could... the rest is up to him."

Alfred gave me a very sharp smile and chuckled in glee. "It's Amazing. You are very much like you were five years ago... and yet, there is something more. I could not imagine that you were a sith only two months ago. Have you found peace since you've returned?"

I tilted my head and thought about that very basic question. "I'm... much more satisfied with the way things are than ever before. When I returned from Kuril, I thought the answer was yes... but after the accident afterwards. I'm not so sure."

"It was instinctive. You shouldn't feel as though you've failed."

I stopped walking and turned to face Alfred. "I did fail. I almost killed an innocent woman because I couldn't control my emotions. If that could happen when I'm not thinking about it, then I'm a threat to those around me." I sighed in frustration. "I just wish I could be free of my memories from Sleheyron."

Alfred looked at me for a long moment before he gave me a suggestion, "There may be a way. The Council has the means to ease painful memories in a very selective manner. If you were to ask it of them, they may..."

"A mind wipe?!" I asked in great fear.

"No. Instead of destroying an entire mind, the Council could target very specific memories and repress them. Those memories that have plagued your ability to find peace _could_ be suppressed if you want it."

I stood there in shock at what I was hearing. The very memories that I wished to be free of may finally be forgotten. Maybe it was the solution that I've always wanted. The very thought filled me with hope, yet scared me.

After sitting on one of the benches, Alfred allowed me to collect my thoughts. I lifted my head to face him. "What do you think?"

"I would advise against it. Once memories are gone, retrieving them is almost impossible. I only say it because your experiences have been so extreme that you may want to consider this."

I leaned my head back and spoke my thoughts out loud. "Free of my memories? It's like a prison that I could never escape." I brought my eyes back on Alfred. "That is something I've wanted all my life... but now? I don't know if I should."

"It's a significant choice and one that should not be made without extreme consideration. I am only letting you know that you have that option."

"Do you think I should?"

He shook his head very gently. "Only you must decide. I would prefer that you not, but if you must... I'll support your choice."

------


	18. Enter Atris

I've never personally spoken to Council Member Atris before, but I've heard that she had an arrogance that put even Master Vrook to shame. I had very little desire to speak with her, but there was no way around it. Although I could remind myself that her opinion of me was irrelevant, she had authority and I did not. She also had a means to influence my fate.

I looked over her records once and I was most unimpressed with her 'accomplishments'. On the surface, she seemed like an ideal Jedi, but she was so committed to the code that she seemed to ignore everything that made it work... at least it's what I've been told by some. I also knew that when it came to opposing her... things either went her way or they didn't go at all. I didn't understand how she of all people could become a lifetime Council member... she didn't do anything to earn such an honor.

-----

I had prepared myself to swallow whatever she was going to say to me. As much as I didn't like being addressed and treated as a 'sith,' it didn't matter what she thought or said. So long as Trevelyan supported me and I maintained some solid foundation with the other Council members, I would be fine. Still, that meeting was likely going to push my emotional controls to their limits... hopefully not beyond.

Atris had an office deep within the enclave near one of the training facilities. There was a window where she could gaze upon padewans as they practiced under her supervision. I was informed that she was working there for the rest of the day, so I confronted her. "You summoned me."

She looked up from her desk. "You're not wearing the traditional robes of a Jedi. You keep saying that you wish to be a part of this society, yet you disregard the most basic responsibilities. How do you expect to be taken seriously?"

"It's only a minor thing. What's important is that I behave like a Jedi whenever it truly matters."

She took her eyes off me and looked down at her data pad. "Even then, you do not."

"Excuse me?" I said in a disrespectful manner.

She picked up the pad and stood up from her seat. "I've been going over your mission report. According to you and your crew... you willingly seduced yourself to the Darkside while you were on Kuril."

I crossed my arms. "Seduced? You mean when I was trying to land the ship without power?"

"You tapped into the darkside. That is forbidden, especially to padawans."

"I had to in order for our ship to slip through their sensors undetected. There was no other way I could do it."

She gave me a smug look. "So you admit it?"

"I had no choice. The only way to get through the enemy sensors was to suspend the ship with the Force. I knew I could do it, but only through extreme anger could I muster what we needed. I did what was most prudent."

"Prudent?!" She slammed the pad on her desk. "You defiled the Jedi code you are supposed to live by with such... acts! You claim you want to be a jedi, yet you defied everything we stand for. What's worse is that you make excuses for it!"

I stepped right in front of her. "We had a mission to accomplish. I did what had to be done for it to succeed. If I hadn't..."

She put her face within centimeters of mine and screamed. "You surrendered yourself to the darkside long before that! It doesn't matter why you did it, this is not the first time it's happened. The fact that you are here trying to avoid responsibility proves it."

"Proves what? You gave me a mission and you gave me command. I completed it to the best of my abilities. What would you have done were you in my position?"

She released a disgusted sigh. "I certainly wouldn't have surrendered myself to the darkside. I would have had the discipline and training to do the job properly."

"Well, I didn't have that luxury. I couldn't do what was necessary without my anger and hate. If you had to choose to follow the Jedi code to the letter or reinterpret it as you see the need to...?"

"Don't speak to me about the code! I've followed it my whole life while you've corrupted hundreds with your... Sith teachings. Once you've tapped the Darkside, you are always corrupted by it." She pointed her finger at me. "Don't think for a moment that you acted like a Jedi after going against everything we stand for."

I was getting tired of all her false accusations. I was becoming visibly angry and I knew it. "If I hadn't, half of Kuril would have been destroyed. If I refused to do what was needed, I would have disregarded everything that you claim to hold dear. I WILL NOT be judged by you in this manner!"

She stepped back and gave me a pitiful look. "Can't you even see how extreme your anger is? That's exactly what one would expect from a Sith. "

As much as I hated her, Atris was right about my anger. I had to be stoic despite whatever she said. Despite every urge to make her know she was wrong, I continued to restrain my anger. "Do you think that I wanted to go through that? It pained me every time I had to relive memories that I wanted so much to forget. I took no joy in doing what I did. The only one who suffered from this was me. You don't have the right to do this."

"And if you aren't hesitant to do the same thing again, how many others will suffer because of your uncontrollable rage?"

I shouted, "Are you dense?! No one else has suffered because of my actions! Ask anyone else and they'll tell you the same thing!"

"I'm not asking anyone else. I'm asking you."

I released a disgusted growl and turned away from her. "That's it! I don't care what you do... I am not answering any more questions!"

"By all means, leave! We don't want your kind here. You were foolish to think that you could make it here."

I don't know why I didn't just walk out, but something was holding me there. Her words were exactly what I thought every day since I've been here. I wondered if I could truly accept or be accepted by the others. I was so mortified that I stood perfectly still for a long moment before Atris began to walk around me.

"Do you think that a whore would ever have stood a chance among the Sith? A usurper? A traitor? Those are not qualities..."

"Stop it!" I shrieked.

She chuckled. "Look at you. You can barely hold yourself together. I can sense the fear within you... I thought a Sith was void of that."

"I... am not... a Sith."

"Of course not. You couldn't even take the easier path, so you came here because no one else would accept you. Do you think that by abandoning a dead belief and taking an even more difficult path that you would ever truly be a Jedi?" She got right in front of me and stared directly into my eyes with one of the coldest looks I've ever seen. "Right now... you want nothing more than to strike at me. If it's what you want, then why don't you act? Perhaps you..."

"Shut up!" I was terrified at what she had been saying. I was filled with such emotion, but I couldn't let myself act. I was grasping my fists so tightly that I drew blood from my nails. I felt like my mind was tearing itself apart.

"Or what? You can't attack me. Are you willing to admit that you aren't a Jedi? You're just another failed Sith, but when you were supposed to fight and die by a better opponent, you were too cowardly to accept your rightful fate. If it weren't for Revan, you would have..."

Upon hearing those last words, all my restraint had been shattered. Without thinking, I grabbed my lightsaber and brought a hard, downward strike upon Atris. Unfortunately, she was ready for my attack and deflected it to her right side. As my lightsaber came down, she attempted to take off my foot, but I did a barrel roll to dodge her attack. As I came back to my feet, I used another swing for her head, but she pulled back right before I made contact.

We then positioned ourselves for another attack, Atris began taunting me again. I could hear the satisfaction in her voice. "You see? You can't control yourself. There is little reason to keep this up anymore. You let your anger dictate your actions and it always will. If you wish to surrender, you need not die."

"Shut up!" I shrieked. A blast of electricity projected from my fingers, but Atris channeled it around her body without any harm to herself. Then next thing I knew, she took hold of me with the Force and threw me through her observation window.

I was in one of the training rooms where several padewans were practicing their lightsaber techniques. Although I managed to land on my feet, the impact from the fall caused tremendous pain in my left chest. I was so stupid to start a fight in my condition. The wounds from my injury have not had time to heal, so I was going to have to fight through the additional pain... or I could have just yielded and she wouldn't kill me.

Shortly after I hit the floor, Atris jumped from the window like an avenging angel to slay a demon. Only this time... the demon was her, not me. I saw the bloodlust in her eyes and knew that she was not going to stop until one of us was dead. I unleashed a Force repulse and knocked her back in midair... making her hit the floor with a hard thud. I had landed on my feet, but my chest left me in great agony.

Just when I thought it had ended, the padewans had turned their focus from their training to me. I suppose that they would not allow Atris to die by my hand. Two of them jumped at me with their sabers blazing. I was careful to dodge their swings while trying to disarm this situation before it erupted.

I was desperate to end this. "Stop! This is not your fight!" My words had little impact on them as a third student came at me. I had swung my lighsaber hard at his with the intent to knock it out of his hand and it worked out as I also brought him to the floor.

I came to realize that I couldn't get out of this situation by defending myself, so I threw away my lightsaber and got on my knees. A terrifying moment passed when I saw a lightsaber coming towards me before the student pulled back at the last second. I released a huge sigh of relief when I thought it was over, but I heard another saber behind me and I realized why that last student stopped. It was because Atris was coming at me again.

She had gotten to her feet and jumped at me again, despite the fact that I was unarmed and on my knees. I rolled out of the path of her white blade as it was driven into the floor right next to me, missing by only centimeters. I reached out for my saber and it was back in my hand just in time to stop another killing blow. Despite the pain from my ribs, I knew that it was better than being cut to pieces. Atris kept coming at me while the Padewans just kept out of the way.

She came at me with great fierceness and rapid attacks that were intended to kill me. I was completely on the defensive as my ribs made it unwise to strike at her. There was little I could do other than block her incoming attacks as best I could. I knew that it wasn't going to stop, but I just couldn't do anything but hold her off as long as I could.

Eventually, I was hit by a Force wave and thrown to the floor, as was Atris. It took me a moment to realize that Master Zhar had entered the training room. Despite the excruciating pain in my chest, I was desperate to kill Atris while she was on her back and without her weapon. When I lashed at her, Zhar had thrown himself on top of me and effectively pinned me down. His weight upon my ribs was excruciating and I shrieked in pain.

He didn't realize that he was hurting me. He must have thought I was screaming because I was not able to kill Atris. "That's enough! Restrain yourself!"

My shriek was soon recognized and he got off me. I then felt him rolling me onto my back in order to check my injury. I had my eyes closed and left whining from either the pain or embarrassment of this. Zhar turned to Atris. "What happened? What was this about?"

Atris was quick to answer. "She assaulted me. I was only defending myself."

As I laid on the floor, I suddenly pulled myself up. "That's a lie!" I screamed as I released another pained whine.

"She attacked me first. That she cannot deny."

Zhar felt around my rib cage to find a new fracture. "You are a foolish girl. You just recovered from a severe injury and may have just made this worse."

Atris stood over me and Zhar. "I demand she be expelled from the Order. She attacked me in anger with the intent to kill me."

I was in so much pain that I didn't want to speak at all.

Zhar didn't seem to get the point. "Yuthura, is this true?"

My eyes were still closed and I gave no answer one way or another. I just tried not to breath so hard. I thought a rib was pressed against my lung, so I couldn't speak without it hurting more.

Zhar looked up. "Atris, return to your quarters. You are confined there, pending an investigation."

"What?! She was the one..." She objected.

"You're not telling the whole truth, Atris. Whatever has transpired here... we will know about it." He then addressed one of the students. "Get a stretcher for her. She needs to be taken to the medical ward..." He turned his head in my direction. "...Where she will be confined until further notice."


	19. Aftermath

My fight with Atris left me with significant internal bleeding which required another major surgery. I was out for another full day. This time, I woke up in the presence of Alfred. Considering what I tried to do, I was almost expecting to be in a cell or something... that was a pleasant surprise.

"I thought I wasn't supposed to have any visitors."

He smiled and leaned over my bed. "They made an exception." He gently embraced me and then chuckled. "You really took on a Council member?"

I wasn't in the mood to laugh. "Yes. Atris."

He sighed, knowing that I made the first overt act. "What did she do to provoke you?"

"Ever consider that I provoked her?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. He knew that it wasn't the first time such a thing happened to me. He didn't even bother to ask whether or not I had a different story. Although I would have told him the truth, it would have been nice to hear him just ask 'who started it.'

I shook my head. "She was taunting me about how I would never be a Jedi. She said that without Revan, I was a small, weak, pathetic failed Sith." I looked away. "I tried resisting... I tried to shut her out... but she just kept telling me that I was nothing. She eventually said that I was only here because I was too scared to die as I should have... and that only Revan was keeping me alive." I blinked rapidly to not shed any tears. "When she said that, I didn't care what happened. I just wanted to kill her."

"Do you still feel that?"

I nodded my head. "She wanted me to attack her. I was stupid and did exactly what she wanted." I had been sitting up, but let myself fall back onto the pillow.

Alfred put his hand behind my head to gesture me to sit back up. When I was, I saw what looked like relief on his face. "I didn't know that Atris was taunting you. If she had, then this whole thing might be disregarded by the Council."

I gave a forced smile and shook my head. "Not this time, Alfred. They made it clear that if I strayed, even a little, then I would no longer be a part of the Order. Attacking a Council member in anger is a bit... too extreme for that."

"No, no, no. There are times when a master could be allowed to provoke or subject an apprentice to the darkside, but this only can be done under strict circumstances. If Atris were to claim that she were training you by pushing your emotions to their limits, then she can't deny her part in what happened then."

"Atris claimed she was only training me?! She's a damned liar!"

He stopped me from screaming on by giving me some assurance. "If she claimed that you assaulted her, then she would have to admit that she tried seducing you to the darkside without cause or reason." He smiled in great relief. "This incident can't be used against you unless Atris is willing to sacrifice her seat on the Council. Trust me... she would never do such a thing."

I refused to smile. I've been on the rocks ever since I returned from the Sith. The last thing I needed was another special dispensation. I got out of bed, clad in a patient dress, and looked out my window. Alfred didn't say anything else... he just stared at the endless horizon of skyscrapers alongside me. Then he started grinning at me for no reason at all.

"Would you please stop that? I'm not exactly proud of what I just did."

"This happened because Atris provoked you. I don't want you to feel as though you've failed." He wanted to ask another question, but hesitated to say it. "What did she say that hurt you so greatly?"

I crossed my arms and kept facing the window as I repeated some of the things Atris said. "She called me a whore, a usurper, and that if I failed as a Sith, I had no chance to be a Jedi. And she said that without Revan to protect me, I should have died long ago."

He gave me an odd expression that I couldn't identify. "That was meant to provoke you. I'm proud that you held up to her as long as you did. She had no right to say such things."

I turned to him so I could admit the truth. "What hurt me was that the things she said were true. Despite what I may choose to believe, she was right. While I was with the Sith, I never achieved power of my own... I always took advantage of those around me." I sat on the bed, facing him. "I came to use my body as a weapon. Master Uthar believed that such determination deserved a place at his side. He expected that I would learn to use new tactics, but I kept... demeaning myself for nothing. He was right to have me replaced."

Alfred leaned to get in front of me. "If this is painful to talk about, you don't have to."

I gently shook my head and gave him a grim expression. "What if she's right? What if I am too weak? I've never felt so... exposed as when she was telling me of all that I was." I covered my face with my hands.

"Yuthura, listen to me..." He gently pulled my hands away. "You're not weak. You've just been through a lot. I could not imagine one like Atris, Vrook, or even Vandar who could've endured what you had and still remain true to the lightside. That is a greatness that no one can argue. Do you at least believe in that?"

I slowly nodded my head in utter agreement... I knew that he was right. We embraced for a long moment. He was careful not to press upon my ribs and make me have a third surgery.

"I won't be at your hearing tomorrow. Please tell them what you told me and you should be fine. Promise me that."

"I would like nothing more than to shove this little lesson down Atris' throat. How can you even ask?" That gave us both some much-needed laughter. After that, I changed the subject. "Alfred, there is something in my quarters that I'd like you to get if you would."

"Of course; what?"

"A backpack laying under my bed. It shouldn't be too difficult to find."

He nodded. "Anything else?"

"Just the bag, thank-you."

He nodded again and went for it. While he was gone, I changed out of my garb and put my new cloths on, but couldn't find my lightsaber. I suppose they didn't trust me with it anymore. When Alfred came back with the bag, he looked at me in disappointment. "Please tell me you aren't foolish enough to try and escape again."

"I'm not leaving. I just don't like the patient garb."

He didn't hand me my bag. He looked at me as if angry and I didn't like where this was going to go. "Yuthura... there's something I else I wanted to say. When I asked you to get back to the infirmary, you sidetracked me. I was offended by that. You have enough conflicts with other Jedi as it is and I hope that you've learned something from this experience."

I gestured towards my rib cage. "This wasn't a result of anything that I did... well... Atris was the one who provoked me into fighting. If she hadn't..."

He interrupted. "If you had done as I asked, she couldn't summon you because you were on medical leave! And she couldn't have come in here if you didn't allow it... I'm sure you wouldn't have at that. Because you altered medical records, it lead up to what caused the fight." He paused a moment to let it sink in. "You could have been killed. But now, you've got to defend yourself against two extreme violations in only a few days."

I understood. That latest injury of mine was self inflicted to a certain degree. I was embarrassed at my actions and understood that I acted like a child by my brash behavior. "You're right... again. I suppose that I acted instead of thinking. I didn't consider your feelings on the matter, either. I'm sorry. This won't happen again."

He handed me my backpack. "Please do as you're told... at least until this is over."

I was left alone with several hours before I would have normally gone to bed. Although I knew it was a mistake, I opened a bottle of Corellian ale that was in the backpack and didn't bother with a glass.

-------

I was not born into slavery. I remembered a period of about five years when I was part of a family. Although I was treated exactly as a twi'lek girl would have, I was at least my own person and not bound by a slaving collar. My father had recognized that I was very intelligent at a young age and encouraged me to educate myself.

I vividly remembered the day when I had lost my natural family... or rather when I was sold by my father. He wanted me to educate myself so that he could get more money from selling me off as a 'skilled' slave. That was the first time in my life when I was truly betrayed. I remembered that I loved my natural father and thought he loved me, but he clearly loved money more.

Although I was designated a 'skilled' slave, I did not adapt well to training in a trade skill. My father had cheated the guy he sold me to and I was the one he took it out on. It wasn't torture, but being slapped in the face and yelled at because I couldn't be 'that dumb' was hurtful. It was a miserable time realizing that my father never really loved me. On top of that, I was pushed every moment of every day to learn trade skills that were beyond my abilities.

In the time that I had to myself, I found that I had a gift for dancing. It was what the other girls did for recreation and I really liked doing it more than developing my mind. I didn't remember how it happened, but my first owner realized I had a gift. Even for a twi'lek, I was an impressive display for almost every dance style I came across. I was soon given to another teacher and trained in the various arts of dancing. I didn't know it at the time, but I was setting myself up for the worst life any twi'lek woman could have lived.

My skills in dance were so magnificent that it attracted the most wealthy buyers in the galaxy... the Hutts. When my training was completed almost six months later, I was bought and presented to Omeesh at 'a premium price.' At first, I was glad to be recognized for my talents, but I soon came to realize that I was not bought simply to dance, but to amuse the Hutt as well. That almost always involved pain and humiliation. From that first night I danced and beyond, I knew I had been damned.

-----

I woke up, panting in terror of Sleheyron again. That last nightmare was the worst I've had since I returned to the Jedi. I hated and wanted them to stop!

It was five in the morning and I was expected before the Council in three hours. I was given a pass by the medical staff to attend the meeting, but to return afterwards. Although I was not supposed to leave the medical ward, I was perfectly capable of performing basic tasks, such as walking, so they allowed me to go before the Council for that one occasion.

When I finally stood before them, Atris wasn't there when I had to give my side of the story. She was likely questioned before me and I wondered what she had revealed or neglected to mention, but I was going to have a hard time facing her testimony. Odds were that everything which came out of her mouth was the truth, but only to a point. A lie that consisted of half the truth was truly the darkest.

Master Vandar began the meeting. "Yuthura Ban, we have been told a very disturbing story by Master Atris in regards to the events of two days ago. We would like to hear what you have to say about the incident."

I replied. "I'd like to know what you've already been told. It's very likely that everything Master Atris told you is true."

Vrook asked in a non-aggressive tone, "She claims that you committed the first overt act. Is this true."

"Yes."

They looked at me with with disappointment, but little surprise. Vandar continued, "Please tell us of the events that lead to this fight. Atris claimed that you were actively hostile towards her while she was going over your conduct on Kuril."

"Masters, Atris was provoking me into attacking her. She said many things with the intent of angering me. Much of it had little to do with that mission."

Master Vandar objected. "I find that difficult to believe. Atris is a member of the Council. Petty acts such as that are not in our character."

I was about to object to what he said, but Vrook beat me to it. "Being a Council member in itself is not a defense."

Kavar stood up. "Ban made the first aggressive act. Why she did it is irrelevant."

Master Vash stood up for me. "I disagree. If Atris did provoke Yuthura, then the fault in this matter would go to Atris."

"Attacking another in anger is punishable by exile. Ban knew this before she acted." Kavar said.

Vrook continued. "Atris defends herself by claiming that she was testing Yuthura as a master would an apprentice. If that were true, then she would be held responsible for whatever consequences came from that. However, she also claims that Yuthura assaulted her. If she were testing Yuthura in some way, then she should have known that she would be attacked." He stood up. "I don't believe that Yuthura should be held responsible for the fight. She may have made the first strike, but Atris was the cause."

Kavar looked at Vrook with as much surprise as I. "Master Vrook... she attacked another Jedi in anger and with the intent to kill. This can't just be ignored."

"I'm not saying it should be. But Atris must be held accountable for her actions."

Vash stood up to speak again. "I agree. If Atris deliberately provoked Yuthura into attacking her... that was a despicable act for a master. If this were just an exercise... then no fault would go to the padawan for the acts of the master. I don't believe there should not be any punishment given for this incident."

The Masters nodded. Vandar gave the verdict. "Yuthura, we cannot emphasize the severity of what you have done. However, due to the outstanding circumstances, you will not be held accountable for your part in this incident."

I sighed in great relief. I had no temptation to smile because I knew I should not have been forgiven for it. "What will happen of Atris?"

Vrook answered. "We will deal with her. You need not concern yourself with this matter anymore." He paused for a moment. "One other thing: do not allow yourself to think that it is alright to attack someone, even if they are provoking you. We are excusing your actions only because Atris created the situation that lead to this fight. Had this occurred under almost any other circumstances, you would not be given another chance." Then he stood up, pulled out my lightsaber from his coat, and presented it to me.

When I took it from his hand, I gave a very quiet thank-you for defending me just then.

He gave me a small smile which seemed to silently say 'don't mention it.' I was quite surprised that he had defended me after I committed such an act in anger. I almost expected him to yell 'bloody murder.' His words left me feeling much better than before. I was surprised just how much it meant to hear him not trying to judge me like he always had.

After he took his seat and I was left standing in the center of the room, I expected to be dismissed, but had forgotten about the incident with the nurse and my promotion to Jedi Knight.

Vandar continued. "There's still another matter that has to be attended to. Yuthura, your actions on Kuril were more than worthy for a promotion to the rank of Jedi Knight. However, the incident in the medical facility almost killed Denise Rowe. We would like to hear what you have to say about that."

I sighed heavily. "I already told Master Vash what had happened. It was just an instinctive act; there's little more I can add."

"This puts us in a difficult situation, Yuthura. We had intended for that mission to be your trial of skill, but you had surpassed what we expected so significantly that we agreed to give you a battlefield promotion directly to the rank. But these... instincts are a risk both to yourself and those around you. In addition... you've done acts of defiance since then. And this incident with Atris..."

I sighed in great frustration. "If you're going to deny me, just say so."

Master Kavar spoke up. "Please understand that we recognize what you've done on Kuril. You acted as a Jedi when it truly mattered, but you still have a habit of disrespecting authority. And these two incidents that put yourself and others in jeopardy... I'm sorry, but you're not ready for the responsibilities of that rank."

I leaned my head back in disappointment and then made a decision that would have changed my life forever. I've never really given it much thought before, but there was a means that could have given me the peace I've struggled to find all my life. I made eye contact with the Council again. "Masters... If I were to ask it of you... would you have the means to suppress certain memories?"

Master Vash answered. "We do have the means, yes, but rarely do we exercise it. Tampering with memories, even short-term memories could have significant consequences."

"And it is only done as a last resort. Once a memory has been repressed, it's almost impossible to recover." Zhar stated.

"Yuthura, the events of the last several days have been traumatic for you, but you can't just erase every unpleasant experience you face. We often grow more from our mistakes than our successes. I would not participate in this even if you asked it of me." Vandar said.

I shook my head. "I don't mean the memories of the last few days. I mean from WAY back; before I joined the Order."

They stared at me as if I asked them to kill me. From a certain point of view, that was what I requested. Zhar was the first to reply to the request. "That is no small thing you just mentioned. Wiping recent experiences is difficult enough, but erasing memories from over a decade ago would change you completely. It literally suicide to lose something as important as your childhood experiences."

I scoffed. "My childhood experiences? Yeah, all the torture, humiliation, and sorrow are really worth keeping."

Master Kavar replied "Memories are like a foundation upon which new experiences rest. Losing even a small piece of your past would have a drastic impact on who you are now. We would only erase an experience if it proved so drastic that it changed you. I would not contemplate erasing memories from so far back as what you're asking."

"Even if I asked it, you would refuse?"

Vrook spoke up. "If we were to do as you request, you would die. Those memories are a part of who you are and destroying them would essentially be the same as if you were struck by a lightsaber."

I frowned at the hypocrisy of that statement. Although it was almost comforting to hear Vrook give his concern for me, I couldn't stand what he and the others did in the past. "Is that why you did it to Revan?"

"We won't go down that path. Our rational was done under extreme circumstances. This would hardly qualify as extreme." Master Vandar explained.

I protested. "If I can't control my emotions, I'm a threat to everyone around me. I've tried to control my anger all my life, but I could never be free of it. I just want to forget Sleheyron once and for all."

Vrook spoke up. "No. I would not participate in something like this simply because you're disgruntled with the way things have turned out."

"I'm not simply 'disgruntled!' You don't know what it was like to be a slave to Omeesh the hutt. He took great joy in hurting his slaves, breaking them, and then discarding them once they have. Do you know what it's like to watch everyone you ever cared about suffer and die while you were spared?" I shook my head. "And by 'spared,' I mean being one of his favorites. Favorite slaves were only spared the torture that caused permanent damage, but only because he valued them more alive than dead. I don't want to remember all those times that my body had been abused. I don't want to hear that Hutt's voice in my mind anymore." Tears came to my eyes. "I just want some peace... some serenity... I can't do it when my memories continue to plague my peace of mind." I held my hands like a beggar. "Would you please consider this?"

The Masters looked at each other and quietly discussed what they to do among themselves. Eventually, Vandar gave me an answer. "You have put us in a difficult position, Yuthura. Given what you have suffered through, I could understand the reason for your request. Given the current circumstances, we will do as you request, but only to a limited extent. We won't wipe away all the memories at once, but do it gradually over a matter of months so you can adapt more easily."

Zhar continued. "We see little choice but to grant your request. In one week, we will start this. Until then, we strongly encourage you to find another solution."

"Why can't you do it now? I already know that I don't want the memories from Sleheyron. If I were free of them, I could finally find peace and you wouldn't have to deal with me and my anger anymore. It's beneficial to everyone."

Vandar shook his head. "Yuthura, you're so young. When you're young you think that the answers to life are simple. There is more sacrifice in this than you realize. We will give you a week to reconsider this. If we see there is a valid reason not to proceed, we will deny your request." He crossed his arms. "I will not participate in something like this unless I'm convinced that there is no other way."

------

"How'd it go?" Alfred asked.

"Still a padawan."

He looked down in disappointment. "I'm sorry to hear that. At least you're still in the Order."

I nodded. "Master..."

"Alfred." he wanted me to call him as I had so many years ago.

I smiled. "Alfred... when I was being intimidated by Atris, I've never felt so... exposed."

"Exposed?"

"She seemed to know exactly how to hurt me and she made me feel as though I truly were... nothing."

He shook his head. "You know that's not so. I have almost no respect for one like Atris. You shouldn't concern yourself with what she said to you."

"But what she said was true. I can't find peace or serenity no matter what I do. I always have those feelings that I took from Sleheyron and they disrupt any peace I ever find."

"What happened in the medical ward wasn't your fault." He said.

"Then who's fault was it?"

That left him less at ease than before. "You said it was instinctual. That means it was beyond your control."

"But they were spawned through Omeesh's sadistic and needlessly brutal cruelty." Alfred looked at me and knew what I was about to say. I stared directly into his eyes. "I spoke to the Council about suppressing those memories."

He was afraid to ask, "What did they say?"

"I thought they'd jump at the chance to solve my problems and theirs."

He frowned at me. "Yuthura, suppressing any memories, especially early ones, would have a significant impact on a person. I'm glad that they refused."

"No, they agreed to do it."

"What? When?"

"A week."

I saw tears behind his eyes, but he blinked them back. "Do you know what that means to you? You know that when it's done, you would wake up a completely different person?"

I slowly nodded. "I'm sorry. I know it's the easy way out, but I don't want to remember that horrible place anymore. I don't want to be afraid of falling to the darkside all the time. My anger and hate are ever present and never yielding."

"You can control them. I've never met one as strong as you."

Tears gushed out of my eyes as I said what seemed to define everything that I felt of myself. "I'm tired of being strong." He embraced me with all the strength he had. I screamed in agony, "Ribs!"

He backed away, seemingly more hurt than I. "Damn it! I'm sorry." He turned away and tried to hide what he was feeling, but I knew that he felt a great loss. He turned back with tears in his eyes. "You can't seriously want this! I thought that you were finding peace here."

"I thought so as well, but after that incident in the medical ward and Atris... I'm just too dangerous."

He shook his head gently. "You've made some mistakes... that doesn't mean that you should be euthanized."

"I'm not killing myself. I'm just..."

"If you lose your memories from Sleheyron... you will die. We are the sum or our experiences. What would happen if a fraction of your life suddenly were gone? You would still be alive, but..." He looked away for a moment. "Does Revan know about this?"

"No. And I want you to keep it that way."

"Why? Don't you think that he has a right to know?"

"It's my life and I don't want those memories. I don't want to have to struggle every moment of every day to restrain my emotions." I grabbed Alfred's shoulders. "It's hard."

A long, silent moment went by as I saw Alfred struggling to accept that he has to let go again. When I chose to leave the Jedi, he refused to let me throw my life away. This time, I somehow knew he would allow me to do what I thought was right... even if it was the last thing he wanted... even if he believed I was making a mistake. It was my mistake to make.


	20. Chapter 21

To readers:

I have not updated Shrouded in Darkness for some time now because I've been working on two other fictions as well. There is still a lot of story yet that hasn't been posted because I've been significantly revising this from an older version and have not had as much enthusiasm to revise an old version as I did to write new chapters. To keep this going, I've skipped a chapter and will just continue from there. I will go back and properly insert the last chapter when I'm done revising it. I'll let you know then as well.

Yuthura had been so ashamed of what she did just then and felt that the only way to save herself was to have the Council wipe some of her memories from Sleheyron. They agree to it, but won't do it in the heat of the moment and tell her to wait at least for a week to decide. Revan/Trevelyan is still away, but will eventually discover what she intends to do.

After this, I'll start posting regulary again. Sorry about the delays.

--------------

The next day, I was cleared to return to my quarters by the medical personnel. Before I departed, I went to see the nurse I almost killed. Her injuries were still healing, so I could see my handiwork and apologize for it.

I was very nervous at the thought of showing my face to Dr. Rowe. I knew that she must have feared me and I didn't want to torment her, but I needed to explain what happened and try to give something back for what I did. Eventually, I was in the doorway of her room. "Dr. Rowe?"

She smiled at me. "Have you come to finish the job?"

"What?"

"It was a joke."

I wasn't in a laughing mood and walked to her bedside. She was laying on a very ridged surface that must have been set to allow her back to heal properly. "I almost killed you. I would have imagined the last thing you'd do is make a joke."

"You're not the first one to do that."

I gave her a look of surprise. "I'm not?"

"Sometimes, we have to put Jedi under when they suffered extreme injuries. I thought the painkillers you were given would have been enough. I understand that you didn't do it intentionally."

I shook my head. "It shouldn't have happened. Being in that room... it brought back terrible memories that caused me to react. I'm not going to allow that to happen again."

"It was something beyond your control. Although it'd be better if you didn't, but don't dwell on what happened. Just remember so that you could prevent it in the future."

"The problem is that remembering is what caused me to react." I looked down. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. If there is anything that I can do for you, please ask."

She nodded. "You'd find I'm a person who collects on her debts. Just be aware of that."

"Again, I'm sorry." I gave her a small bow and exited the room.

As I went to my quarters, I was very hurt that Dr. Rowe was a very 'Jedi-like' person. Part of me wanted her to hate me for what I had done. She didn't deserve to be thrown around like that and I didn't deserve understanding or forgiveness from her. I only hope that she has me repay my debt before long. I don't want it on my conscience.

*********

Before Alfred had to begin his classes, he came to my quarters for an attempt to persuade me to change my mind about the memory wipe. When I wouldn't, he said that he couldn't afford to be with me until after it had been done. I found it strange that he wouldn't stand by me when I needed him most.

"If you undergo the procedure, you will wake up a completely different person from who you are now."

"I would remember everything that has happened since Sleheyron. I would still remember when you rescued me and how you trained me... all those memories would be intact."

"But what about you?"

"I'm sorry Alfred. I tried to cope with my past, but haven't succeeded. Having those memories is painful... I just want to be free of them. Do you think that I haven't tried hard enough?"

He looked at me, knowing that I was right. "You've struggled with it all your life."

"I don't want to struggle with my past anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore... I want to find peace and this will do it."

"But at what cost?!"

I sighed and turned my back on him. When I was ready to speak again, I asked "How do you think I feel about it?"

He remained silent for a very long moment. Tears formed in his eyes. "When you turned away from the Sith, that was the happiest day of my life. I was so proud of you for what you had done... I just didn't think it would end this way."

"How else could it end?"

He gestured 'I don't know.' "You are the one to make the choice. You do what you must and I'll accept it."

"Please believe me when I say that I don't want to hurt you, but I just want some serenity... no one traumatized by Omeesh could." I put my hands on his shoulders. "Don't think that you've failed me... you made my life better than I ever thought possible. I just have never been able to accept what has happened and move on. Is that so unreasonable?"

I saw that he was in great pain. I wished he would have been happy or at the very least indifferent to my choice. "The galaxy is a strange place. I have you back after so many years only to lose you again."

"You'll never lose me again... you may find that it would be better for both of us if you saw me find peace for once. I won't forget you or anything after you rescued me. Everything of you will always remain up here..." I pointed to my forehead. "...and in here." I placed my hand over my heart.

He gave me an uncomfortable smile. "If this changes the person you are, I want you to know how very proud I am of you. You surprised me that you kept going when anyone else would have given up. I was never happier than when I learned you were accepted back into the Order. This is just..."

The door chime interrupted that very tender moment. I hated hearing it, but I had to send whoever it was on their way. I jumped to my feet and answered it, but when the door slid open, I was caught completely by surprise to see Trevelyan smiling at me as if he hadn't seen a woman in years. I hadn't thought of him for some time, but I remembered that he was expected to arrive from his latest mission that day. "It's good to see you again... Jedi knight?"

He hadn't been informed of the events of the last few days. This was very awkward for me because I simply wasn't ready to explain everything that had happened. And I most certainly didn't want him to know about what I was intending to do a week from now. I feared that he would try and convince me to reconsider... I knew he would succeed.

"Trevelyan? You were supposed to return today..." I couldn't say another word.

He saw Alfred behind me and grinned. "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?"

"No. Please come in." Alfred answered.

Trevelyan kept displaying that dumb smile as he stepped into my quarters. All I wanted was for him to be somewhere else because I was too emotional to hide anything from him. When he noticed my shock and sudden fear, he just said one word: "What?!"

I remained silent.

"Master Kolchak?" Trevelyan asked instead.

Alfred remained silent for a moment, but he stepped in front of me. "I'm sorry, Yuthura, but he deserves to know."

"Don't! Please..." I pleaded.

He turned to Trevelyan. "She had requested to have some of her distant memories wiped by the Council."

"What? Why?!" I asked me.

"When she was in the infirmary, she had attacked a nurse that was treating her. Then two days ago, she got into a fight with Master Atris."

"That doesn't mean you should have your mind wiped. That's like suicide." Trevelyan said to me.

"I wouldn't have all my memories erased... just the ones from Sleheyron. They are what have been plaguing me my whole life. I just want to get rid of them."

Trevelyan got directly in front of me. "I thought everything was going well. What you did on Kuril seemed to prove that. Why are you doing this?"

"I'm a danger to those around me. I almost killed an innocent who was trying to help because of an instinct that had developed because of my anger... anger brought upon by Omeesh. Atris had made me realize that I will never find peace as long as I can't control my emotions. I have to do this."

"You don't 'have' to do anything. Is this something that you 'want' to do?"

I paused for a moment and knew I couldn't tell him the truth. I didn't want him to try to talk me out of it... I just wanted to forget Omeesh. "Yes."

Suddenly, this man who has always been strong to me changed into an emotional cripple. He embraced me with great sadness. "Please don't tell me that all you've struggled for was for nothing. Please don't do this."

"I have no choice. I'm not..."

"You always have a choice! I can't..." He dropped his head in despair then faced Alfred. "Master Kolchak... could we speak for a moment in private?"

"I'm already late for a class. I need to depart anyway." He stared at me for a long moment before turning to leave. I think he was silently requesting that I didn't go through with it again.

Trevelyan was still holding me in his arms. I could see great fear and pain in his expression... fear for me. "Yuthura... please don't do this. I don't want to lose you." He pleaded.

"You wouldn't. I'd still have all my memories of you, Alfred, and everything that matters. Omeesh, Sleheyron... they don't."

Tears came to his eyes. "You wouldn't be the same person! Those memories from Sleheyron are a part of who you are. And I..." He stepped back and tried to collect his thoughts. He sat down in a chair and rested his head upon his hands for a long moment before looking back to me. "You are precious to me. I thought that I would be content to just let you find peace on your own... that we couldn't be together." He dried his tears. "I've never been able to accept what the Jedi taught about avoiding emotional attachments." He stood up and held me by the shoulders. "You are important to me. I only stopped being Darth Revan because that identity had been erased from my mind."

"What are you trying to tell me?"

He let me go and paced around as he tried to come up with the right words. "You are a remarkable person. There's a greatness within you that had endured despite everything." He sighed when he realized how hollow those words were compared to what he truly wanted to say. Then he held me close as he spoke what was in his heart. "Yuthura... I love you and I don't want to lose you."

I have longed so much to hear those words. Few have ever placed so much value upon my life. To hear one as great as Trevelyan say he care so deeply for me... it was a wonderful thing. I loved him as well, but hadn't seriously believed he could feel the same way for me. "I... have suspected, but I thought you were in love with Bastila."

"We share a force bond. I think that she fell in love with Revan and I thought with me as well, but we both came to realize that..." He sighed in frustration as he tried to explain an emotion that a Jedi shouldn't feel. "It was never more than simple infatuation. We both came to accept that it was best to distance ourselves from one another."

"That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is... why me? People like you and me don't fall in love... not with each other anyway."

"I had come to understand that you were a Jedi... we were both Jedi. As much as I wanted to tell you, I knew that I wanted to see you find peace more. I tried to keep my feelings hidden, but I know I didn't do it very well. I thought you would have known."

"You did give away signals, but I didn't think they were genuine. I couldn't imagine that one such as you would have had any interest in me."

He laughed as if hearing such nonsense. "Why would you think that?"

"You're the former Dark Lord of the Sith. You have become a great Jedi... a champion of the force. You have a destiny that I can't be a part of. I'm just a broken-down Sith trying to live in a world where I would never belong."

"You're stronger than you realize." He put his head within centimeters of mine. "What if I asked you to be a part of my destiny?"

I pulled myself away from him and stepped back. "I can't."

He dropped his arms in frustration. "Please don't say you can't! You have a choice. Do you really want to go through with a memory wipe? Don't consider what anyone else says you should do." He held my fist tight in his grip. "Do YOU want this?"

I stared deep into his eyes as I knew that I wanted to be rid of the memories. As much as I cared for him, I wanted to be free of my past more. "Yes."

More tears came poured from his eyes as he let go of my hand and sat back into the chair as if he had just been wounded very deeply. He forced out words to try and assure himself that he was doing the right thing. "You are your own person. If there is no other way, you do what think is right."

I got on my knee in front of him and I wanted to know what it was that he wanted to save. Why did he place so much value on my life? There had to be a reason. "Trevelyan... why do you love me?"

"When I first knew you, I thought you were just a cold, hate-filled Sith, but as I came to learn of your past, I saw that you were different. Although it was difficult to understand, I saw what seemed to be a selfless passion within you." He smiled at me as if he were looking at the greatest thing in the galaxy. "It was like looking into the heart of a true Jedi... an unconquerable light. I wanted to preserve that light." He moved his head within centimeters of mine and held me behind the neck. "If you go through with this... I fear that light will be lost."

We embraced each other as if there was nothing else which mattered. He painfully said, "You are precious to me and I ask that you not go through with this. If not for yourself, then for me."

Those words were both excruciating and blissful. I couldn't do anything to hurt him. That's exactly what would have happened if I freed myself of my memories. I loved him and Alfred more than my own life and I knew that I had to keep fighting. It's what they would have wanted and I had to honor their wishes... each had given me my life and asked nothing else in return. Somehow, the thought of losing those memories seemed as if to taint both their sacrifices. I would have rather lived the person I was than die as anyone else... a strange saying.

After a long, tender moment of holding on to me, I was reminded of that time on Korriban when he asked the question: 'Are you sure there's no other way?' I've regretted my answer ever since and was confronted by the same question again, only this time, I knew the answer. "There's always another way. Whatever it is... I'll find it."


	21. A Hidden Motive

Trevelyan and I had made our feelings for the other perfectly clear. Although we shared no Force bond, we knew what the other desired following that so-called 'perfect' moment. Neither one of us seemed to hold back or consider the consequences... we just yielded to our animal instincts.

It was surprising just how many ways various species became intimate, but it was mostly the same for twi'leks and humans. What I found most interesting were the little additions that went along with the act itself. It's not like I studied them or anything, but I've encountered many ways to enhance the experience and and pulled the blanket off to show him everything... I had little in the way of modesty. Omeesh frequently left his slaves out for display... often allowing his servants and guards to do with them as they pleased. Gamorians were the worst, but they at least rarely took to other species.

Trevelyan was covered from the waist down and was a bit hesitant to watch me spread myself across the bed. "What are you doing?"

"I thought you might just like to leave little to the imagination. I'm sure you've wondered how far down these tattoos go."

After a brief moment, his eyes went from my breasts solely to my face. "You don't have to... display yourself if you don't want to."

I smiled at the consideration. "It's alright. I'm used to it. I would do it for one who mattered for a change."

He sat up and hovered over me. He placed his hands over the tattoos around my ankles and followed the interweaving to my shins... across my thighs... over my hip... around my breasts. His gentle touch across my body was a wonderful feeling that I've not had before. When he reached my neck, he stopped at the necklace I wore.

"Master Alfred gave it to me shortly after I was accepted by the Jedi. It was more than a slave could ever have and it was enough for me."

"I'm glad that you two are together again."

"I wonder why he never approached me. I've been here for months and he seemed to genuinely miss me."

He gave me a serious look. "I asked it of him. When you returned, I thought it would be best that you be allowed to choose when and how you deal with your past. He and I both agreed it was best to let you make the first move."

I shrugged my shoulders. "That must have been difficult. I shouldn't have avoided him for so long."

When he brought his head over mine, he said in a flattering tone, "You are wicked."

"I know. This was most unwise, but I appreciate that you did it."

He looked at me as if insulted. "The way I recall it, you were the one throwing herself at me."

I grabbed the back of his head and forced another kiss upon him. When I let go, I started babbling like a fool. "You were like everything I always wanted to be. A strong, selfless hero of justice. When I tried to use you against Uthar, I found that you were too great to be controlled. I didn't want to ruin that man; I didn't want him to become like me." He rolled alongside and I sat up. "When I challenged you, I expected to die by your hand. I knew you wouldn't have savored my death like Omeesh or Uthar. When you spared me... you were the first person in a long time who made me feel like my life was worth something... that I wasn't just nothing." I paused for the briefest of moments. "I wanted to live by your example... you had become more important to me than my own life."

After a moment of staring at my breasts, he brought his eyes back to mine. "You may not realize it, but your memories from the Sith and Sleheyron have made you a better Jedi than I. I used to think that my feelings for you were just respect, but I've come to see that they were something more." He sighed and looked away. "I shouldn't have told you. We're supposed to be Jedi. Even you said that love should be avoided, but... I should have just kept silent."

I smiled and shook my head. "No, I'm glad you did. I guess I was afraid to admit it, myself, but I thought that you only considered me a friend and nothing more. I thought that it was wrong for me to do so."

"Well the majority of the others would condemn such actions. I wouldn't proclaim to know better than the other Jedi, but I do know that we have emotions and instincts for a reason. They are often our greatest enemies, but sometimes are all we have to go on. Master Bindo said that most Jedi were forced into ignoring their instincts at the risk of defying the Council. Still, it's hard to argue against thousands of years of Jedi traditions. I'm glad that you're alright with this, but... You do realize that it will likely mean some intense emotional hardships? I don't have the experience of most Jedi... I'm just gifted with great power. I don't want to risk pulling you off the path of the Jedi... I just don't think it's wrong to value another..."

I covered his mouth with my finger. "Trevelyan... do you really want to keep talking?"

He gently pulled my hand away. "This is a significant issue that we have to deal with. It's likely that the Council will learn about this one way or another."

I nodded and laid on my side. "Well I don't want to hide in your shadow forever, but they may have to accept this."

"I'd prefer that we didn't have to hide anything."

I scoffed "Well it's not my fault that you fell in love with a Sith. I at least had an excuse." We both chuckled at the irony of the situation.

"Hey... even you said that the Sith prohibit..." Trevelyan was interrupted by the door chime.

This was the worst time for a guest, but I had to answer the door. "Give me a minute!" Trevelyan and I jumped to our feet and rushed to get our cloths back on. I couldn't believe it! Of all the times to have a visitor! As we rushed to get our cloths back on, the doorbell kept chiming, irritating because they knew someone was there, but it continued ringing. "I'll be right there!" I shouted.

Trevelyan had gotten his robe on much faster than I could get my cloths on, so he had been fully dressed while I still had to get my blouse on. He made a quiet comment that I should have kept the robe he gave me. I looked at him as if to say 'shut up.' When I was finally covered, I ran to unlock the door.

"What you hell is wrong with you! Both of you!" Bastila shouted before the door was even fully open.

"Bastila?! What are you...?" I said in fright.

"Revan! You stupid fool! Did you think I wouldn't know about this? Of all places... why here?"

Trevelyan got between me and her. "You already know the answer. Why ask the question?"

She wasn't amused. "I told you that she is dangerous. You deliberately went against reason and emotionally entangled yourself with one as unstable as her. There is more at stake than the feelings of one fallen sith."

"You don't have the right to speak of her like that! Don't..."

"I'm not speaking of her; I'm speaking of you! Do you think you know better than the Jedi? I warned you about bonding with her. It strengthens her, but it weakens you... you are far more important to the galaxy." She yelled.

Trevelyan crossed his arms. "No... this is about us. You and I both agreed that it was best to separate ourselves and weaken the bond we share. This has nothing to do with Yuthura."

"You flatter yourself! You think that you know what's best for the Order. Your arrogance makes you dangerous because you reflects upon her and all who follow you. If you act, others will follow... you can't allow this one Sith to ruin you."

I was about to protest, but Trevelyan defended me at every turn. "She is a Jedi. You will address her as such!"

Bastila looked around Trevelyan to face me. "I suppose under the tattoos and uncontrollable rage, then yes; she is a model Jedi for everyone to follow." She said sarcastically.

I pulled him around to face me. "Trevelyan... would you please tell me what's going on."

"Bastila had been turned to the Sith shortly before the end of the civil war. She's been having trouble with the darkside ever since."

Bastila looked at me. "Do you know that when he was trying to turn me back to the Jedi, he said he loved me?" She sighed in great disgust. "Through our bond, I knew that you secretly despised me. I followed you anyway because I had the strength to see beyond my personal feelings and know what was right." She gave a pained chuckle. "The Council believed that I was weak to turn to the Sith... after being subjected to the most Godforsaken torture Malak could muster. They think that our bond made it easy for me to turn back to the light..." She got in Trevelyan's face. "I had to fight Revan's contempt as well."

Then she tried to stare me down. "Now, the Council has its eyes fixed on you and show me contempt because of how easily you reverted back to the lightside. They seem to have forgotten that my battle meditation saved the war. Now the their center of attention is focused on you."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Me?"

She gave me a false smile. "It defies reason, I know, but the Council has taken an interest in making you into a Jedi. They may even regard you just as significant to the survival of the Order as Revan."

"What?! You have a very sick kind of humor!"

Trevelyan got between us. "Hold on... how did you come to all this? What's going on?"

She looked at Revan with great contempt, but the anger within her turned to calm. "Something significant is happening among the Council in regards to her. I don't know what, but it could erupt into something worse than the Sith. All I know is that it involves both of you." She stared directly into Trevelyan's eyes. "Revan, for the sake of the Order, you must sever your emotional ties to her. You cannot afford to weaken yourself in such a way by bonding with Ban." She faced me. "If you love him, then I hope that you can see reason in staying away from him. There is too much at stake if you both are emotionally attached to one another."

I got in front of Trevelyan. "Are we supposed to just believe her? All she's given is a vague description of a bunch of superstitions."

He shook his head. "I believe her... at least she is convinced of what she says." He looked to Bastila. "Is there anything else you can tell me?"

"I've overheard conversations by Council members and I'm convinced that they are very interested in the manner in which she develops her Force abilities. I only have speculation, but no real proof. When I spoke about Ban to the Council, they were very careful about what they said to me."

Trevelyan looked back to me. "Do you know anything about this; anything that might explain what's going on?"

I shook my head. "I wasn't aware there was anything wrong until she showed up. How could I possibly be considered as significant as you?"

"Is there anything you can think of that is out of place or potentially... wait... maybe they were planning to do something else for that mind wipe." He inquired.

I nodded. "That might be it. I'm the only one who volunteered for it in years, but what could they possibly do with me?"

Bastila faced me. "You're having a mind wipe? When did this happen?"

"I went before the Council a few days ago and requested they wipe some of my earliest memories. They were doing it in five days, but I've decided not to undergo it."

Bastila shook her head in disagreement. "That can't be it. This issue has been debated even before you were accepted back into the Order."

Trevelyan went up to her. "Thank-you for telling me this. I know it must not have been what..."

"I'm not doing this for you... we're past that. I hope that this matter will make you see reason and forget about her." She turned to leave. "One other thing... if you MUST surrender to your animal urges... please do it where I don't have to be a part of it. Just the thought makes me shudder."

She directed that last comment at me. She surly would find it repugnant to feel my presence through Trevelyan. I've never formed a Force bond with another, so I didn't know what it was like to feel another without knowing the cause.

When Bastila departed, Trevelyan went into the hall with her and told me to stay behind. I had been embarrassed at the whole situation, but I was very angry that we were caught. I knew that what we did was wrong and had its risks, but I was angry that she had to be the first to know. Now she had an edge over us... I didn't want a thorn in my side such as her.

After a few minutes, Trevelyan returned and I could see he was humiliated. "Bastila said she won't lie, but wouldn't volunteer anything about... us."

"It was a mistake."

"Yeah."

For a moment, we stared at each other with great uncertainty. I asked the most logical question: "Now what?"

"I think it would be in our best interest to find out what the Council knows. We should discover why they would be interested in your abilities. They likely won't answer anything directly, but we should try to get them to talk."

"Like what? 'I resign from the order?' See where that goes?" I said jokingly.

"Something along those lines."

I stared at him for several more seconds as I didn't know if I wanted to ask the question. "What do you think about what Bastila said? Should we try and act like none of this happened and stay away from each other?"

He wrapped his arms across his shoulders and paced around for a brief moment before leaning his head back to sigh. "What's been done is done. I suppose that it might have been better if Bastila had told you what she knew before I gave everything away."

"And miss all the fun?" I laughed, but he didn't accompany me. "You have a way with words... I was looking forward to forgetting those early years, but now that I see how much they mean to you... and Alfred... I won't give up on either of you."

He struggled to ask, "Are you sure this is what you wish to do? You will keep all your memories?"

"You were begging me to change my mind. Now that I have, you're still not satisfied?"

"I just want to be sure you're doing it for yourself... not me."

I sighed and shook my head. "I AM doing it for you, but that is what I want. You and Alfred have invested so much of yourselves for me. I wouldn't want to taint all that you both have done with something like that." I made a confused gesture. "And I suppose I would be afraid of what I would lose if I forgot Sleheyron. If worse comes to worse, I can always have it done later... it can't be reversed."

He smiled to hear me say that I wouldn't give up.

I held him from behind, around his neck. "What you said really mattered to me and I'm glad you did. I really never used to think that those memories from Sleheyron were worth anything. I would always put them aside, thinking they were just... a rotten piece of spoiled fruit. I'm not as bothered by what I did on Korriban; I can live with the guilt. My anger at the indignities that Omeesh forced upon me... that's not so easy."

He thought for a long moment. "It's a part of who you are. I don't really know how you feel about yourself, but I'm glad you're not erasing an important part of your past."

"Well I guess I'm wondering how the Council took it. The way Bastila describes it... I can't imagine that I'd be a subject for debate. What could they possibly have of interest in a former Sith?"

He turned around. "Do you think Alfred would know anything about this?"

"He would be a good place to start."

He looked at the clock. "I have a meeting with the Council within the hour. I'll see if there is anything I get from them."

"One other thing: if Bastila means what she says, maybe it would be best if we communicated through a comlink."

He smiled at how foolish my suggestion was. "Given what we just did, I don't think we need to worry about that. We can speak normally and it won't make much difference to me."

"Very well. Let's find out what we can and return here at... 16:00 hours. Is that alright?"

"I... had intended to throw together a surprise celebration for you, Juhani, and... who was the other one?"

"Nevski."

"Nevski, right. However given that it's almost been a week, with Juhani away on an assignment, and this..."

"I understand. Celebrations are not the kind of thing I'd expect from Jedi."

"Well I've not always been a Jedi. When it's time to be serious, there's nothing wrong with throwing a party to commemorate a special event. At least that's how the Republic military did it."

I shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window to observe the activity from below. "Well as you said, it's time to be serious."

He noticed how nervous I was and gently held me in his arms, just enough for me to feel the gesture. I would have appreciated a tighter embrace, but I appreciated that he did it in any event. I still hadn't gotten used to contact comfort, but I did like being able to be held without expecting more to come after it. I suppose that was just something Omeesh forced upon me, but Trevelyan's touch was much more meaningful. To be touched without a fear of rape following was very pleasant, but I couldn't help wondering if it were really just the contrast between utter humiliation and nothing. It just didn't seem right to think that there could be any meaning to an absence of something.

I could believe a victim would be glad to be away from her captor, but how could she possibly be happy after that just to escape? I know I've escaped Omeesh over a decade ago, but he left a part of himself in my soul that would last forever. I wanted to kill that part of himself from me, but there just had been so much of myself that would have died as well. He had taken so much from me as a little girl, but I would not let him take any more.


	22. The Jerk

Here is a new chapter that has been significantly revised from its original version. Some readers may have noticed past-tense errors in certain chapters that haven't been corrected. That is mainly because the majority of the content was done a long time ago and the more recent chapters aren't being altered as significantly as those from way back. I want to thank those for reading again and will try to update this more frequently during the summer.

The first section is virtually unchanged from my first draft, but I added the content with Kavar more recently. I just want you to be aware of that if something doesn't fit properly.

------

After Trevelyan departed, I felt that I needed to speak with Alfred as soon as possible. He had been teaching a class on the inner workings of alien computer systems at the time and I thought I might render him some assistance. The faster he could get the job done, the sooner I could talk to him about the events that have transpired.

When I walked into the classroom, he had been giving a lecture on some computer programing issues. "As you can see from the diagnostic, module 1 and 3 are inverse of one another." He caught sight of me in the back of the room. "Yuthura?"

All the students turned their eyes upon me. I saw fear in some of the younger ones... I should have gotten rid of my tattoos. "Please... don't let me interrupt. Continue."

Of course I threw off the lecture, but he didn't want to continue. "I would like you to run programs... 6 and 7 then tell my how to make them work with a Republic computer. If you have any problems, just ask." He put down his data pad and came to the back of the room.

I gave him a very heartfelt smile and then embraced him to show how much I appreciated him.

He looked into my eyes and saw something that wasn't there before. "I take it that you spoke to Revan."

When I released him, I just kept smiling. "I think I'll keep myself exactly as I am for a while. Those memories from Sleheyron... they will always be a part of who I am."

"If there's anything I can do to make it easier for you..."

I raised my hand. "You've done more than I deserve. It's up to me to do the rest." I turned my head to see that there were prying eyes staring at us and I stepped back to avoid embarrassing my former master.

"I should get back to my class. I'll come by your quarters later tonight."

"Could you use an assistant? The faster you're done with them, the sooner we can talk."

He gestured for me to help one of the students. "Everyone... this is Yuthura. She's a former padawan of mine and she's offered to render assistance. If you have any trouble, talk to her."

-----

With me, Alfred got an hour's worth of work done in half the time. One of his students was that padawan who asked me to become his master, Ross Senegal. He asked me to help even when he didn't need it and I indulged him for a few minutes. Then I made it clear that if he wasn't bright enough to figure out issues such as what he presented me with, no one would give him a second thought as an apprentice. He seemed to understand what I really meant and went back to do the work I knew he could finish on his own. Although I felt flattered to have at least one student who looked up to me, there was little point in pretending to teach him.

After his class was ended early, Alfred spoke to me about that padawan without me bringing up the subject. "Did you know that Ross Senegal looks up to you?"

"He had asked if I would take him as an apprentice."

He laughed at how amusing it must have seemed. "I used to think he just had a crush on you, but he really seems to admire you."

"Why?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know. Have you considered asking him?"

I sighed in great frustration. "What difference does it make? I can't accept a padawan."

"Yet."

I sighed in concurrence. "Yet. But even if I could, I wouldn't make a good instructor." I raised my hand to keep him from interrupting. "One day, maybe. But by the time I'd consider myself ready to be a master... it's a long way off."

He stared at me for several seconds while he admired the wisdom I acquired. "I'm glad to hear what you said about your memories."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing's changed. I still have to face the consequences of my past. I just thought that a mind wipe was easier than the alternatives. Now that I think of it... erasing a part of my life? Even for years that I would like to forget, it makes me take pause. It makes me wonder "

He was very saddened to hear that. "I think what you're doing is very brave. I wish to help you through this if you'll let me."

I smiled at the offer. "I may like to take you up on that." I gestured him to sit down at one of the work tables. "Alfred... do you believe me to be a... special Jedi? Do I stand out from others?"

"I think so, but I assume that's not what you asked of me."

I thought about the right way to word the question. "Jedi like Revan and Bastila stand out from the majority because they are extraordinary. Do I... have anything that makes me stand out like them?"

"If you want the truth, I would say no. You do have an extraordinary resilience to the dark side, but I don't know if that would make you stand out like Bastila's battle meditation." He shrugged his shoulders. "It might. Why do you ask?"

"She told me that the Council has taken an extraordinary interest in my Force abilities. She claims that I may be as significant to the survival of the Order as Revan."

"Did she explain how? Why?"

I shook my head.

"Well... as much as I'd like to think so, you shouldn't put much faith in that. I think you are destined for great things, but I wouldn't say that you are that important. Have you asked the Council about it?"

"Yes, but they gave me nothing. Bastila seems convinced that what she told me was true. I'm asking if you could confirm that."

"Yuthura, unless you have something more to rely on than what Bastila said, I wouldn't put much faith in a search. I think you're just interested in hearing what you want rather than what's really there."

I gently nodded. "It's just that... Bastila sounded so convinced. Trevelyan said he believed what she said... I could sense her resentment for me." I scoffed at how ridiculous I must have sounded. "I'm sorry. I know I sound paranoid, but I would really would appreciate it if you could verify if there is any validity to what Bastila told me."

He looked at me for several seconds to determine my sincerity. "Possibly. I have a friend who is not with the Order anymore. He is not bound by the rules and might be able to confirm or deny what you say. I'll send him a message and see if he knows anything."

I smiled with great joy. "Thank-you."

"This might provide nothing, so don't get your hopes up."

-----

I invited Trevelyan and Alfred to my quarters that night to hear what they've discovered. Before I went back, I informed Master Kavar that I was not going through with the memory wipe. He said he would tell the rest of the Council to save time, but he still tried to talk me out of it.

"Are you sure about this? There is no weakness in suppressing painful memories if they disrupt your ability to find peace." Kavar stated.

I nodded in complete confidence. "Losing them would be worse. I'll just have to learn to overcome them."

He gave me a nod. "I hope you get through this without falling back to the darkside. After that incident with Atris... I'm worried about your future."

"What will become of Atris, anyway?" I asked.

"You need not concern yourself with Atris. You just concentrate on..."

"You're letting her go... aren't you?" I interrupted.

He waited for a long moment before defending her. "You did strike first and could very well have been exiled for that, but you weren't."

"She provoked me! The Council itself said that she was responsible for that fight. She tried to seduce me to the dark side and you just...! Will you at least remove her from the Council?" I asked.

Kavar just stared at me as if to say 'I'm sorry.'

I stood out of my chair in great anger. "You're unbelievable! She goes against everything that a Jedi stands for and you just...!" I couldn't say it... I just stormed out of Kavar's office. If I had stayed, I would have acted very irrationally, so I removed the temptation to strike him.

As I pranced through the hallways, Kavar began following me. Likely To ensure that I didn't go ballistic, but he was only making it more likely to happen. "Yuthura, it doesn't matter to you what happens to Atris. You are still..."

I turned around and shouted in his face. "I already attacked one master... don't make me attack another!"

That didn't seem to stop him; he grabbed one of my wrists and dragged me along with him. "Let's do just that. Come with me."

Although he had my wrist in a tight grip, I was very capable of slipping away from it. "Just leave me alone!"

He grabbed me by the shoulder and continued dragging me away. "Not until you vent your anger. I'm not letting you go when you're on the brink of lashing out again. You'll do it in a more proper location."

"What happened to that 'be at peace' crap you always spout off about?" I asked.

He grabbed both my wrists and brought me to face him directly in the eye. "Why don't we? You and I: fight with lightsabers? If you have an urge to fight, then I'll give you that... but not here. Now will you restrain yourself and come with me, or will I have to drag you away?"

Before I could give an answer, he released me and turned around to continue on his way to the nearest training room in the Temple. It wasn't wise to turn one's back on a Sith, or a former one at least; but Kavar did it to undermine my pride. I didn't know if it worked or not, as I wasn't really angry at him, specifically; but I did as he commanded and followed.

He didn't look back at any point along the way, but Kavar lead me to the nearest dueling room where various students were already practicing with training sabers. The room was massive and there were four circles painted on the floor to segregate each pair from interfering with the others. It wasn't the only duel room in the temple or the best one for training, but it sufficed for one-on-one matches.

Near the entrance was a table with various training sabers specially marked as such. Next to it was a rack for the 'live' sabers to be kept. In order to ensure the safety of those who practiced with training sabers, a sensor was built in to detect lethal sabers. It was installed to prevent someone from 'accidentally' being killed by a real lightsaber. Real weapons could be reduced to a minimal setting for such exercises, but a practice saber could not exceed a certain power setting without the emitter burning out.

Kavar placed both his lightsabers on the rack on the wall and took a single practice saber from the table. He gestured to the table. "Here are the rules: no Force attacks, no restrictions on weapons or saber techniques."

I couldn't help but assume that Kavar just wanted to put me in my place. I knew I was no match for him and didn't want to humiliate myself. "I don't want to fight."

He took my lightsaber from my belt and held it in front of me. "I didn't ask you if you wanted to or not. You can walk out of here if you like, but I'm not giving this back unless I'm satisfied that you're not going to use it again in anger." He slipped the weapon into one of his pockets and moved passed the sensor without triggering it. "If you want it, grab a weapon and take it."

I couldn't believe what this guy was trying to do. Of course, there were countless times Jedi did the most unorthodox things to make a point. I supposed that Kavar just wanted me to try and beat him so he could show his superiority. Of course he really didn't know me at all. I knew exactly what he expected me to do, which was to grab a saber and go at him like I did with Atris. Only I wasn't really angry at him; just annoyed.

As he walked over to one of the empty duel circles, I just grabbed one of the practice sabers and played along with his little game. I suppose that I also wanted to know how I well I could stand up to a 'Famed Jedi Guardian,' like Kavar. If I could hold my own, maybe that could have earned me some respect.

When he and I were in position to start, he ignited the blue blade of his practice saber and I ended up with a yellow blade... the Jedi didn't exactly put much concern on the color of the crystals of practice sabers. He stood ready with his weapon and I suddenly wondered why he took only one. Kavar usually fought with two, so he didn't intend to go all out against me. "Don't you usually fight with a shoto?" I asked, 'shoto' referring to a shorter variant of lightsaber often used in the offhand.

He waved about as he answered, "I only take on a second lightsaber when a situation demands it... which unfortunately is most of the time. I often don't get the chance to use a single hilt simply because I'm often faced with overwhelming numbers."

"Why would that matter? If you're capable of taking on a dozen, then why not just use two lightsabers against a single opponent anyway?"

He deactivated the saber and folded his arms as if to give a lecture. "That is the kind of thinking that lead to the Mandalorian Wars. Modern warfare isn't about overwhelming power; it's precision. Strategic design resulting in minimal collateral damage. We frown upon saber staffs and other such weapons because they are only made to kill more efficiently, while traditional single-hilts were designed for defensive purposes."

"Gee, I was just asking. I don't really care if you choose to take an advantage or not." I replied.

He activated his practice saber. "Well you'd do well not to let your guard down. I'm not going to go easy on you. Defend yourself!"

He came at me with a hard overhead slash, followed by a lateral swing, which forced me to jump out of the way. Kavar only stopped because I had been forced out of the circle and gestured me to start again. One of the rules of these exercises was to stay within the confines of the circle. Although we were taught to run if we had the means to avoid a fight altogether, we also had to be prepared to stand our ground in unfavorable conditions.

As I stepped back into the circle, I just realized how hypocritical his last statement was and thought it was necessary to give him a lesson. I reactivated the blade and gestured to him. "Ah, yes. In the hand of a Jedi, this is a tool; but in the hand of a Sith, it's a weapon. Is that what you're saying?" I came at him with a broad swing, which he easily deflected.

Instead of returning another blow, he paused the fight took a step back. "By all means, no. You have more than proven yourself since then; I wasn't implying anything." He came at me with a far less intense flurry of strikes, each of which I easily blocked.

At the next pause in the duel, I stared at the hilt in my hand to emphasize my point. "You misunderstand. This is NOT a tool; it's a weapon. That's all it ever can be. No matter how it is used, it would either inflict death, destruction, or fear. The very idea that the Jedi, who proclaim to be peace-loving, would use a weapon to symbolize themselves... isn't there something wrong with that?"

Kavar looked back to observe the other students as they trained in the arts of fighting. I didn't expect that he hadn't ever thought of it before, but he watched as the padawans conditioned themselves to fight. "Not everyone sees such wisdom. If they did, the Galaxy would be a much more peaceful place. We serve to ensure that unalienable rights are not deprived of the innocent, but because there are so few of us, we can't afford to fight every threat that emerges; it's simply impossible. That is why we emphasize peace more than anything. Any conflict that we are called upon only comes when peace was not an option; most of the time because victims are unable to defend themselves. It is because of our strength that can force a dominant power to submit to a peaceful resolution before a conflict escalates." He deactivated practice saber and reached into his back pocket to retrieve the lightsaber he had taken from me a moment ago. When he had it in his hand, Kavar held it before me. "Peace is going to be much harder to achieve because the Order has been severely weakened, but that's also why we must work that much harder to make it work. Do not think that a galaxy can't be saved through words; but when that fails, we must take up arms in order to protect the innocent. That is why we don't wield blasters; the lightsaber is by far more effective to defend than it is to kill."

I stared at my saber a long while, wondering why he was giving it back, but eventually took it. "What is all this about? Weren't you the one urging for a fight?"

He started walking to the entrance. "I was trying to get you to take out your anger on me, but you haven't been very forthcoming. There's no point in trying to incite you when you've already calmed yourself."

"Hey! You dragged me down here... and now you're just... going on to something else for no reason?" I shouted.

He turned about, almost disappointed. Then he came at me again without warning, starting with an underhand sweep. I defended myself with the standard saber, but Kavar didn't seem to notice. He came at me with a flurry of slashes, so fast that I activated the practice saber in my opposite hand to defend myself.

I had been so outraged at him that I didn't even consider that I was defending myself with a lethal weapon while he still only had a training saber. When there came a break in the fighting, I figured that he simply wanted to provoke me like Atris had and I decided to stop the fight by unleashing a Force repulse. After he was thrown back, I deactivated both my weapons, threw the training saber on the floor, and clipped my personal saber on my belt.

"I told you; no Force attacks!"

"I don't know what the hell you're doing, but I have no inclination of playing along!" I turned my back to him and walked away. Before I could get out of the chamber, he grabbed my arm again to stop me. "Let me go, you jerk!"

He forced me around to face him. "You have some serious anger issues. I'm trying to get you to take it out in battle, yet you actively refuse to let yourself go."

"Is that why you're trying to provoke me? One of the first lessons of battle is to never attack in anger. If you're trying to make me go berserk, you're not going to succeed." I twisted myself hard enough to yank my arm away from his grasp.

"Then why are you so angry right now? You seem ready to lash out at the most minute provocation."

"Yeah, I'm angry at you!"

"I can see that. I'm asking you why."

"Because you won't leave me alone!" I shouted. "Just go away!"

---------

I had been so frustrated at Kavar that I rushed out of the chamber as fast as I possibly could, turning randomly at every juncture to ensure I would lose him. I wanted so much to attack him, but knew that I stood no chance in a lightsaber fight. Unlike Atris, I figured that Kavar had been more interested in teaching me a lesson than anything else.

I'm sure that he wanted me to attack in anger, lose, and then get a lecture on how he beat me because he remained calm and I got enraged. He clearly didn't anticipate that I would refuse to fight. I wasn't foolish enough to get violent when it wasn't necessary against a foe I knew I couldn't beat. Of course, I really couldn't claim that when there were lot's of times I didn't follow my own wisdom.

Despite all that I claimed, Kavar was right when he said that I needed to vent my anger. It was originally because the Council forgiving Atris that I was angry. By that time, it was Kavar. I might have lashed at him, but I didn't want to do it in public. The training facilities seemed the best place.

There was one simulator that allowed for a variety of obstacles to be sent against the user. Ledges, flash mines, droids, remotes, and turrets could be placed to provide the most lifelike training possible... aside from actual battle. In addition to that, there were several bulkheads that retracted from the floor to simulate confined hallways and randomly placed rooms. Most of it is automated and configured by the user's command.

I got to the simulation terminal and loaded one of Kavar's configurations. This would have been a challenge for most jedi, but I felt like I could take on the galaxy... maybe I was just wanted to destroy things. When the simulator was set, I was ready.

-----

For nearly ten minutes, I went through battle droids almost as quickly as they could be dispatched. I found that the best technique was to destroy them one droid at a time and throwing the debris at anything that moved. Although I would have normally thrown my lightsaber at the turrets, there were too many blaster shots that I couldn't dodge them all while unarmed. I found that Force lightning was the best means to take out the stationary targets while I deflected the droids' fire back to their source.

Once the turrets were destroyed, I threw my lightsaber at droids and just kept myself in motion guiding the blade of light as it carved through the machines. I even managed to defend myself from blaster shots with the saber while it was in midair. I almost marveled at how good I had become to do that only with the Force.

When a new set of droids were dispatched to attack me, I threw my saber again and jumped over the formation while the saber kept its course, taking out a fourth of them in a few seconds. When I landed and my saber back in my hand, a volley of flash grenades were coming towards me, but I threw them all back with a Force wave.

Of course, flash grenades didn't harm droids, so I unleashed a burst of Force lightning. The grenades in the air almost all exploded at the same instant when the electricity triggered their detonators. When I prepared to engage the next wave, I realized that I was just trashing droids and it wasn't helping anymore. "End simulation!" I shouted.

When the command was given, all the live droids disengaged their weapons and withdrew from the simulator chamber. Another wave of droids entered as well, these armed to clean up the remains of the battle droids that were just destroyed.

As they collected the junk that laid on the floor, I actually stayed to watch as certain units extracted undamaged components from the twisted piles of scorched metal to be reused while everything else was collected to be melted down and recycled again. Although a very efficient process, it was expensive to replace dozens of droids at a time.

I hadn't been aware of it, but Alfred was watching me fight for some time. "I would have offered to help, but you seemed like you could handle everything."

"Alfred?" I had been embarrassed and couldn't get another word out.

"It's all right. It's better to deal with your anger here than out there." He walked up to me, expecting an explanation. "What happened?"

"I destroyed about fifty droids."

He looked at the debris, still laying around. "Really? Thanks for the insight." He crossed his arms and turned towards me. "I wouldn't have guessed."

After a long pause, I said what happened. "I was told that Atris was not going to suffer any consequences for what she had done."

He gave me a surprised expression. "That's it? That's what made you so angry?"

"Why would it not?" I asked.

"Because it doesn't matter to you."

"She acted in a way that was unfit for a Council Member, let alone a jedi. I can't believe you would think it doesn't matter."

He rubbed my shoulders to comfort me. "What happens to Atris does not impact you unless you let it."

"She doesn't deserve to escape punishment!"

"So does that also apply to you? Are you saying you shouldn't have been forgiven as Atris was?"

That kept me silent for a moment, but I tried to defend what I did. "That's different."

"How?"

"She's a Council member and a jedi that has been fully trained. She is supposed to set a proper example and she hasn't."

"But it still boils down to a simple question... does it affect you?"

"Yes! How am I and everyone else expected to follow the Council if they don't expect more from themselves than they do for the ones they lead?!"

"Yuthura... this is a matter that doesn't affect you. Please just let it go." He graciously requested.

I almost pleaded. "But this is wrong!"

He looked at me sympathetically and nodded. "I know, but I ask that you please let it go. There is nothing we can do to change it... just let it go."

I was very hurt to hear him speak like that. How could he possibly be asking me to do something like that? "If you know it's wrong, then why do you go along with it? How could you ask me to go along with it?"

"Because the cost would be too high. You're still part of the Order and that's enough for me. Your place in the order is worth more than Atris losing hers, do you understand?"

I refused to look at him, but nodded. "It's still wrong."


	23. Chapter 24

Alfred escorted me back to my quarters and helped me to relax from that outburst of anger I was dealing with. It gave me great discord to know Atris escaped punishment. I wanted to object to her forgiveness even if it made things worse for me, but now I have to consider how Alfred and Trevelyan would be hurt by my actions. I almost feel like I'm hostage to their feelings. That seemed rather ironic.

When Trevelyan came to my quarters, we were already discussing that friend of Alfred's.

"Trevelyan, please come in." I offered him a chair. "Alfred... Alex Trevelyan."

"We're already aquatinted."

"Of course. Since I was welcomed back?" I asked.

"Since they were forced to accept you." Alfred stated.

I sat everyone down at the table and spoke to Trevelyan first. "Well... I suppose that the Council didn't say much to you?"

He shook his head. "They just said you had a strong spirit, but otherwise... nothing peculiar."

I sighed from exhaustion. "This is ridiculous. Even if there were some great secret in which to find, it really doesn't matter. Even if we knew what the problem is... we can't fix it." I got up from the table and started pacing.

Trevelyan stared at me with concern, but Alfred informed him about Atris. Then he got behind and comforted me. "Are you going to be all right?"

"It's going to weigh heavily on my mind for some time. I just can't believe they would do such a thing."

"I know it's easy for me to say, but you should not let this hurt you. As long as the Council needs me, they won't be able to touch you."

I turned around. "I don't want to be in your shadow forever. I want to get to a point where they respect me enough to treat me like they would one of their own." I raised my hand to silence him. "Now I'm starting to wonder... if I want to stay in the Order anymore."

"Why?"

"Trevelyan... Revan is often blamed for the civil war... he wasn't." I pointed in the direction of the Council Chamber. "It was because of them that all of it came about. They think they know better than everyone else and act accordingly."

"Calm down." Trevelyan said.

"The last time I left the order, it was because I believed they were apathetic. Now I'm starting to see something worse emerging... they are so convinced of their own superiority... it's beyond arrogance."

Trevelyan held me in his arms. "Please don't look to issues you can't control. Right now, all that matters is what's within your influence. All that matters is that you find peace. Once that happens, then you can look to greater things. In the meantime, I want you to not let this bother you."

"I suppose I have to help myself before I can help another." I returned to my seat across from Alfred.

Alfred looked at me with a degree of concern. "Are you aware that you never asked if I made any progress?"

That caused me to lift my head. "Did you?"

"My friend says that he has information that the Council is keeping from you. He says he's willing to share it in exchange for assistance from you."

Just as my heart seemed to glow, it sunk at the request. "What kind of assistance?"

"My friend requires the help of another Jedi in order to complete an investigation."

"Why is he anomalous? Is there anything else?"

"He would prefer not to reveal his identity until you agree to help him. That would require meeting him on Nar Shadaa."

"Nar Shadaa?"

He nodded. "My friend has been investigating the activities of a syndicate based on Nar Shadaa. He believes that... a slave would be able to infiltrate the organization most easily."

My heart sunk at what I was hearing. "So... he wants me to masquerade as a slave?"

Alfred nodded with a grim expression.

Trevelyan looked at me with great concern and then faced Alfred. "We should find someone else. It doesn't have to be Yuthura."

I said sarcastically, "Great idea! Bastila would make a wonderful choice. I'm sure she'd jump at the opportunity to help me out."

"I'm serious. There are others who I think could do it." Trevelyan stated.

Alfred continued to explain the task. "There would be more to it than being aesthetically pleasing. Yuthura is a trained dancer and she's one of the best. The closer to the crime boss, the better the chances are of succeeding. And she has the skills that would be required to hack into the syndicate's computer. She is the most logical choice for the task."

Both of them stared at me as if I were about to enter the jaws of hell... that may have been true for me. As much as I hated the plan, I wanted to know what Alfred's friend knew. "When does he want this done?"

"There is no deadline, but he would prefer sooner than later." Alfred said.

After a suspended moment of silence, Trevelyan put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, "You don't have to do this."

"I need to. I knew there would come a time when I had to confront this. I also want to know what the Council is hiding from me."

Trevelyan got in front of me. "It would mean being able to restrain your anger against anything that you witness. Do you really think you could do it?"

"If I had to, yes." I said with utter confidence.

"So if you were to watch a fellow twi'lek getting beaten by a shock whip, you wouldn't react?"

"No."

"If she were weeping and begging to be forgiven for an act she didn't commit?"

"Stop it." I requested.

"Revan, what are you...?" He raised his hand keep Alfred silent.

"And if her master doesn't give mercy, would you let her be thrown into an arena to be fed to a rancor... and you wouldn't react?"

"Shut up!"

They both stared at me and I realized that Trevelyan was trying to provoke me like Atris had. This wasn't to hurt me, but to make me understand that he was right. I could not restrain myself if I saw some of the horrors of slavery again. If I couldn't restrain my emotions, then I would fail.

After a long pause, Trevelyan spoke in a very sympathetic tone. "I was just describing what you might encounter. If you were watching something like that... could you honestly say that you would not react?"

After a brief moment of denial, I was hunched over in my seat sobbing very loudly and painfully. There was no way for me to deny that I couldn't succeed. I had hoped that I had established some self-control, but I was too weak and I knew it.

Trevelyan pulled me up and held me in his arms again. There were no more words spoken... none were needed.

-----

After a suspended period of emotional turmoil, I reestablished control of myself. It just surprised me how easily I could lose control and how difficult it was to confront what tormented me greater than anything I've ever known. Having Alfred with me again was very much like it was a decade ago.

"I thought that I had gotten through all that. When I was a Sith, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I just hate slavery and all it is. Every time I would watch another slave getting flogged... all I wanted was to end it. On Sleheyron, I didn't have the means to stop such acts. Now that I do... I haven't learned to keep myself from acting."

"I'm sorry about what I did, but it was important for you to realize that..."

I raised my hand. "...that I wasn't able. I know."

Trevelyan faced Alfred. "Is there any other way to convince your friend to share what he knows?"

"If he had the data that he required, then yes. However, because Yuthura is his best hope for retrieving it, he won't say anything."

"Then let's find another way in. How much can your friend provide us with the layout of the facility?"

I stood up. "Don't do anything stupid. If I can't do it, then I'll just forget the whole thing." I walked to the door and gestured them to leave.

"Don't you want to know what the Council knows?"

"This is too much on my mind. I appreciate what you two had done, but in the meantime... I don't want to deal with another issue. Let's just get some sleep and deal with this another time."


	24. The Makings of a Slave

I woke up very early in the morning from another nightmare... of Sleheyron. It almost seemed as though a part of Omeesh continued to live; continued to torment me. I hated him, I hated slavery and I knew that I could not escape it anymore. Although Trevelyan would have instructed me not to go, I felt that the only way I could overcome my fear was to confront it head on and defeat it.

If I wanted to know what the Council knew, I had to succeed on Nar Shadaa. For that, I had to take up the role that I was so desperate to escape so long ago. The thought disturbed me more greatly than when I sought to join the Sith. But unlike before, I reminded myself that I was more than capable of defending myself than I ever could before. I might even have been able to free all of the other slaves in that place. I could almost see them walking out of their master's possession... as free women. And I wanted the chance to bring justice to a Hutt.

Trevelyan and Alfred would not have seen it that way, so I had to act alone. To pass myself off as a slave, I would have needed to cover my Sith tattoos and get the correct garb for the job. There was an epidermal paste that could effectively cover the tattoos and blend with my skin. Some Twi'leks painted themselves different colors. I just had to find any shade of purple and that would have been good enough to pass me off for a few days. The cloths were another matter.

------

I took a monorail to the market square where I could find a suitable disguise to masquerade as a slave. Although most twi'lek cloths seemed suitable enough, what I needed was actually rather difficult to find. It had to be attractive enough to give me away while being comfortable enough to dance in. My difficulty was compounded because the Republic didn't allow slavery... yeah, I never thought that I would've considered that a problem. I couldn't escape the irony that I would have hated to be clad in something like what Omeesh gave me on Sleheyron, yet I couldn't find another when it would have made a difference.

After hours of searching, I finally found the right place to fit myself for the perfect opal and silver bikini with sculpted bracelets and even an attractive new headband. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was startled at how convincing I appeared. Aside from the tattoos, I was the perfect slave, right down to the scars on my back. No one would have believed me to be a former Sith Master. I could almost imagine Uthar if he were to see me like that... chuckling at my humiliation.

A human female had been adjusting the top piece of my outfit, knowing what it was for. She seemed not too bothered by it, as we Twi'leks tend to accept our roles as property without issue. It was almost sickening to be perceived as a willing slave girl just abiding to the desire of her master of her own free will. I almost wanted to tell her that I was just acting, but it really didn't matter. I didn't know the woman and her job was to simply get my attire right.

She ended up starting the conversation. "These marks on your back... they look like they were painful."

"They were."

"This is an interesting outfit you requested... or is this to please your master?"

As she attached an aesthetically-plea sing silver brassiere to the top, I just went along with the conversation with the hope of distracting my mind from what was ahead of me. "I just need something that I can dance in, but that would ensure I had a male's attention."

"You know that slavery is forbidden in the Republic? If your master is..."

I sighed in disgust. "I don't have a master. Can you make what I requested or not?"

"I didn't mean anything like that. It's just that... when I add metal pieces to your outfit, it may become too rigid to dance in. I could do it, but it means you'll have to tighten it so the bra doesn't slip off when you're moving about."

"Understood." I looked down and the veils at my waist that flowed almost to the floor. "These are also too long; I know I'll trip on them."

"You said that you wanted me to make this as lavish as I could. Lashaa silk, or a good imitation of it, is a great way to show off wealth by dressing you in it. When you need to dance..." she reached to where they hung from my waist and the veils trickled to the floor.

I looked at myself in the mirror again and, although I didn't have much on to begin with, having my legs left even more exposed than before seemed to bother me. I couldn't explain why, but it almost seemed as though the veils were a cover meant to keep intruders away. The sight of myself like that reminded me of the times on Sleheyron when I was raped and that costume only seemed to make me more... inviting.

Of course that was the purpose of the outfit and it sickened me. It was at that point when I knew it was perfect. Although I would have done as much as possible to make me the best slave on the market, but I feared anymore improvements upon the costume would have had me convinced. It was good enough and I couldn't stand preparing myself any longer. "Thank-you. This will due nicely."

-----

Once I was in orbit, I sent a message to Alfred's friend to prepare for my arrival. Thankfully, Alfred left his data pad, with some critical details of the request in my quarters. The trip to Nar Shadaa took three hours from Coruscant. While I was en rout, I stripped off all my clothes and began to cover the tattoos with the epidermal paste to mask the marks of a past life. I almost felt like an ancient warrior preparing to camouflage her body for battle. Instead of hiding or invoking fear into the hearts of my enemies, I would have been stared at and dismissed. That was how a slave was regarded... only this time, that's was how I wanted them to see me.

When the last tattoo was hidden, I put on the costume and felt that I was ready to sell. I had been an hour away from Nar Shadaa and checked for a response to my message, but got nothing. The paint that I used on my skin lasted about three days before it began to fade and physical activity caused it to break down even sooner. I realized that I should not have applied it so soon, especially when I had no paint to spare. If Alfred's friend didn't contact me soon, I didn't know if I could just wait in orbit for an undetermined amount of time.

I was about to put my cloak on and fall into the pilot's seat when I realized that I had forgotten the most important reason why I was suited for this task. Although I trained as dancer, I had not performed since the night I killed Omeesh. I almost thought of my last routine as 'the killing dance.' The ship I borrowed was cramped, but I made enough space to practice a few of the moves that I knew I had to master. I removed two of the seats and moved them into the copilot's station to give myself some extra space, but the deck was a mesh. I couldn't practice with my dancing shoes. After nervously standing around for a minute, I began with a simple routine that I knew by heart.

Omeesh loved how I threw my head about to make my lekku flow in a fluidic motion while I twirled my body. I began with that. Following that came a back flip with a half twist. I hit my head on the ceiling and fell to the deck. When I got up, I saw that I had stripped away some of the epidermal paint on my right leg, revealing two of my tattoos.

I regretted that I didn't have them removed, but in the meantime, all I could do was cover them again. Complex moves couldn't be done in that confined space, so I spent the next hour getting familiar with the simple dances again. I would get to the more complicated moves later.

-----

When I was ready to drop out of hyperspace, I checked the communications log and received a reply with the coordinates for landing and a rendezvous location. I was not sure whether or not I would find a place to change, so I just kept on my outfit and wore the Jedi cloak over it until I was ready to be sold.

Just thinking about my efforts to avoid slavery all these years was remarkable... now there I was doing what I could to make myself into the best slave money could buy. Only that time, I would have been the one in control. This time, I was acting willingly. This time, I was the master.

When I saw the blankness of hyperspace fade to black, I saw the Smuggler's Moon staring right at me with a cold appearance. It was not Sleheyron, but it was all that it represented and more. Instead of scattered settlements, everything was stacked on top of each other. Skyscrapers reaching kilometers into the sky frightened me... because finding the way around wasn't knowing left and right, but up and down as well. I don't like trusting to hope, but I knew I was going to need it to navigate that urban jungle.

When I plotted a course for the landing location I received, I found that the traffic lines were not defined like those on Coruscant, so I had to fly to the landing pad manually. The descent was long and difficult because I had no point of reference for a planet-wide city. Everything looked the same. When I finally saw the landing area, it was in one of the most run-down slums on the planet. I couldn't understand why I would meet the Jedi Master there... where was the syndicate base he was talking about?

-----

When I left the ship, I locked it down and took a computer component with me to ensure it wouldn't be stolen while I was gone. The arial view was bad enough, but what I saw from the rooftops was worse. I already hated that place and didn't want to see any more, but I would have hated just walking away even more. I needed to know what that guy knew and I had to confront slavery at some point in order to defeat it. I chose the lesser of two evils and began marching to the rendezvous location.

Along the way, I could see the panic in everyone's eyes. That place was a prison of fear to all who walked across its surface. Only those who had power and money could live without fear of being mugged, but such people were always prime targets by rivals who wanted their share of the blood money. That place was a dying world that survived only as long as the rest of the galaxy kept it alive.

As I searched for the meeting location, I encountered a human who was confronted by a pair of thugs; a twi'lek male and a trandoshan. The human was begging for an extension on a loan he made, but the thugs informed him that if he didn't pay, he'd be made an example of.

I wouldn't stand for what they were doing, so I confronted them. "You two... leave him alone."

Before the thugs could respond, the human saw a solution to his problem. "Oh... here's the one with your credits. You're late; these guys are getting impatient."

"That's good for you. It always makes things easier when people pay their debts." The trandoshan actually believed that pathetic lie of his and faced me. "If you have the credits, then you can give them to us. 250 credits for what was borrowed and 150 for interest."

I couldn't believe that human! I would have gone out of my way to help him, but he just threw his problem at me without so much as asking me first. That was pathetic and I would not stand for it. "This man in lying. I don't know him and I don't have any credits on me."

The twi'lek spoke up in twi'lek. "You can never trust a woman. She probably swindled the human and he was stupid enough to give her the credits. If you don't give them up, we'll take them from you." Then he moved closer to me. "Then after that, I might find a way for you to earn them back."

The twi'lek had a stronger mind than he seemed, so my attempt to use the mind trick on him didn't work. When it seemed that violence was imminent, I came up with a clever and effective solution. "I don't have any credits." I pulled off my cloak to reveal the dancer's bikini underneath. "I'm just a slave. Even if I had credits that belonged to my master, I would protect them with my life."

Suddenly, everything made sense to the Twi'lek. To him, all twi'lek women were the property of powerful people. "Of course. We wouldn't wish to upset your master by harming his property. We should let you get back to your duties."

I got my cloak back on and walked away. I felt somewhat proud of myself for escaping that situation without the Force, but soon realized that I left that human to a terrible fate.

Before I was 10 meters away, I looked back and saw the thugs landing punches on their victim. Despite how selfish that man was, he didn't deserve death. I also knew that the thugs didn't have the right to kill him, so I turned back and I reached out with the Force to crush their necks. They knew the risks when they accepted the job, so I didn't show them mercy.

When the bodies hit the floor, the human laid there bleeding, but I didn't check to see whether or not that he was alright. I helped him more than he deserved and he probably didn't even care that I saved his life. His recognition didn't matter to me, as I did not need nor want his gratitude. That was so selfish of him to turn those thugs towards me for something he brought upon himself. Although I wasn't in any real danger, it didn't matter to him, just so long as it saved himself. That made me even more angry, that my hatred wasn't limited solely to those with power, but with the desperate.

-----

When I was at the rendezvous location, I didn't know anything about Alfred's friend, not even if it were a he or she. I was confident that person knew me because of the request for a Jedi that could pass off as a slave. I just had to wait somewhere in plain view.

It wasn't long before I attracted the attention of a few more males. Despite never facing them, I was aware that they had been closing upon me. Although they would have had no chance of touching me, I couldn't escape the realization that kind of thing happened very frequently. Rape was something I despised more than murder because of the nature of exploiting another's body for one's own desires being the next worst thing to slavery.

I got my lightsaber ready to shred those troglodytes. When they were about to pounce, I heard a commanding voice behind me. "Do not touch her!"

I turned around and saw Alfred's friend facing off against the four who were behind me. "Back off old man! This doesn't concern you." One of the humans yelled.

"You want to go home." He said, waving his hand.

"Yeah. Maybe we should go home." All four did as they were commanded and walked away without saying anything else.

He came up to me with a concerned expression. "You need to be more careful. They were almost on top of you."

I found it surprising that he would underestimate my abilities and not believe I could defend myself against a pack of vipers. People don't just sneak up on me. "I know. I wanted them to close in before I eliminated them."

It surprised him how violent my thoughts were. "You could have just ordered them to go on their way without killing them. They were very weak minded."

"And what would they have done after that? If not me, then someone else. It's best to stop them whenever possible." He just stared at me for a moment. "Alright, I'm here. So now what?"

"I have a safe house not far from here. Please follow me." He gestured me to come with him.

"Do you have a name?" I said as I followed.

"Of course. I am addressed as Zez Kai Ell."

"I think I've heard the name."

He looked back at me as if I should have been embarrassed not to have known him. "With good reason. I used to be a member of the High Council."

"Used?"

"Yes. I resigned five years ago under circumstances similar to what's going on with the issue of you."

"What can you tell me about that? What are they hiding from me?"

"I know that you must be anxious, but I must insist I keep it to myself for the time being. I'm not doing it because I don't trust you to fulfill what you said you would do. What I tell you may affect your performance... and I don't have to stress what is ahead of you." Zez Kai Ell stated.

"You seem to know much about me. How did you come to acquire your information?" I asked.

"I was told much about you by Master Kolchak. The information you seek..." He lost his train of thought. "Although I'm no longer a member of the Council, I'm still kept up to date with current events." He looked back and smiled at me. "I'm glad you got rid of those tattoos. They were just scars that only served to remind you of those times."

"They're not gone; just covered. I want to keep the scars because they are a part of my past and I want to remember what happened. Besides, I have other scars that will prove useful for what I'm about to do."

We arrived at a simple apartment with a hidden door. "Here we are." He gestured me to go in and offered me a seat. "Would you like some water or something to eat?"

"Could we just get down to what needs to be done?" I suggested.

He nodded and grabbed a data pad. "I need information about the Exchange. However they change their security codes so often that keeping up with them requires constant infiltration and many difficulties. I think that a live data link to one of the Exchange's computers would give us to have a long-term solution to this problem. I believe that the terminal in Fasa the Hutt's palace would be the easiest to access."

"A Hutt." I said grimly after seeing his ugly face on the pad.

He nodded. "The terminal is in his palace in his throne room. I believe that they would not consider a slave to be much of a security threat, so that would be how you'd get in."

"Sounds simple enough."

"It won't be. The terminal is always guarded, except when Fasa falls asleep in the throne room. He keeps a body slave with him at all times and only she is alone with him during those times. To get unrestricted access to the main computer... you may have to replace that body slave."

"You mean kill her?" I said in protest.

He gave me a very disturbed expression. "If you must. Otherwise, you may have to go to extreme measures to gain Fasa's favor."

I just had one of the most sickening feelings I've ever felt. He meant that I would have to get as close to the Hutt as I wanted to be with Trevelyan. I didn't want to kill the body slave, but it meant exposing myself to the worst conditions I promised myself I would never return to.

He continued. "In addition to that, you must act without arousing suspicion. Fasa cannot be killed and you must not release his slaves."

"Why? They don't deserve that fate."

"It would cause too much disturbance to go unnoticed. The live data link would be discovered if they knew to search for an infiltrator. They must not even suspect a spy was there, so you must cause as little disturbance as possible."

I sighed at the thought of leaving those innocent women to the hands of that hut forever. Then I just set myself for what needed to be done. "How do I gain access to the main computer?"

"You are skilled at breaking into computer systems. If you can't hack into security, then you have the ability to absorb memories through a life drain. As..."

"You mean take that Hutt's memories?!" I didn't want any part of a Hutt's mind floating along with mine. I was hating this plan more all the time.

He began to look frightened at what he was asking of me, but he reluctantly nodded. "Only if necessary. Once completed, you could program a data link to the Jedi computer on Coruscant within minutes. Once that is done, you could find a way out and return here."

I frowned at the idea that I was about to walk into the depths of hell while he sits on his worthless but. "I hate your plan." I threw my head back in frustration. "But it's doable."

"Are you sure you're ready for this? You may want...?"

"I just want to get this over with as soon as possible! When do we begin?" I yelled in frustration.

"Whenever you're ready."

I stripped off my cloak and got in the center of the room to perfect my dancing. Anger was clearly visible in my stance and posture. "I have to practice before I'm sold."

He stared at me with great concern as to how much anger I was displaying. He wasn't confident that I would succeed. When I began a routine, he turned the other way so that I could humiliate myself privately. He didn't show any interest in watching a scantily clad twi'lek dancing anyway, so it gave me some comfort. Most males would have just enjoyed the show without considering my feelings, but Zez Kai Ell respected them.


	25. Trapped

When I was as ready as I could be, both physically and emotionally, Zez Kai Ell took me to Fasa's palace. It was several kilometers away and we took a tram to reach it. The way back looked simple enough, but the consequences of getting lost were high. I ensured that I would remember the way back. He had changed into some moderately elegant clothing and I was clad only in my dancer garb to make it appear that he was a wealthy master escorting a slave to be sold. It was very unpleasant to be looked upon by everyone else with such pity, but that was how I had to appear.

When we were in front of Fasa's palace, Zez Kai Ell asked me one last time if I were ready. I didn't say anything... I just gave him a look filled with scorn. He understood that I silently said that I hated him for what he wanted me to do. Before we entered the main doors, I realized that I still wore Alfred's necklace. I didn't want to risk losing it, so I gave it to Zez Kai Ell. "This is important. Don't even think of losing it."

After he put it in his pocket, he held my hands to give me some much needed assurance. "Alfred is very proud of what you're doing. This is a brave thing and I regret asking it of you. When you're back, one way or another, I will tell you everything you want to know. I promise."

I nodded and followed him in.

We encountered an attendant at the main entrance. Zez Kai Ell began the negotiation. "I was informed that Great Fasa is looking for a new dancer."

"No, he's not exactly looking for another..." he glanced at me and I caught his attention. "...but Great Fasa is always interested in new talent." He stood up to take a more thorough look at me. Of course, the definition of 'look' included pinching my cheek, evaluating my facial attributes, had me open my mouth so he could check my teeth. "How old? Is she well-behaved?"

"25 standard years. And she is totally obedient." Zez Kai Ell answered for me.

"And why are you selling her?"

"She was given to me as payment for a debt. I have no need for a dancer and I would prefer the credits."

The attendant moved his eyes from my face down to the rest of my body. Without any regard for my feelings, he unstrapped the top piece to the outfit, revealing my breasts. I tried not to react, but it was humiliating to be naked from the waist up in front of Zez Kai Ell and several other eyes that happened to be in the chamber with us. If things couldn't have been worse, he didn't just want a glimmer; he clutched them and then my lekku within his grip. It was to evaluate me, but I knew that he did it more for his own sick pleasure. They were sensitive, but I fought hard not to go into tears. It wasn't the pain so much as being reminded that my body no longer belonged to me. I just closed my eyes and tried to put my mind somewhere else, but it wasn't so easy to do when I had a guy with my lekku clutched in his grip.

When he was done, the guy handed me the top piece of my outfit. "Yes... she'll do very nicely, but I would like to see her dance before I bring her before Fasa."

Zez Kae Ell gestured me to dance. "Please show him your skills."

After I got my top back on, I started a routine and after only twenty seconds, he had been impressed. "Great Faso would love to have this one! She's even better than his last dancer. Please follow me and I'll take you to him right away."

-----

When I was brought before the hutt, it didn't take long for him to make an offer. My dancing was still a bit rusty, so I backed it up with some of my Jedi power... not enough to be overtly recognized, but just on the brink of possible to perform without the Force. There simply was no way a hutt would have rejected such talent.

"Magnificent! I've never seen one with such beauty, finesse, and grace as this one." The Hutt looked to Zez Kai Ell. "How much do you want for her?" Fasa said in the Hutt language.

"4000 and not a credit less." Zez Kae Ell demanded.

"Done! Irav... pay him and then send him on his way." Fasa said to the servant.

Zez Kai Ell and I took one last look at each other before he left me on my own. Although it was already too late for me to back out, it was uncomfortable to watch him as he walked out of sight. I felt as though I had been left alone in the jaws of hell.

Fasa looked back to me. "What is your name?"

"Yuthura... Master" I hated using that word, but I had to in order to succeed.

"Welcome to my service, Yuthura. Please dance for me."

"I am yours to command, Master." I pleasantly said, but it was an utter lie. I only did as he commanded because it was my choice. It was just as easy for me to refuse and leave, but that wasn't what I wanted.

-----

I did as I was told and danced with all the grace and poise I had when I danced for Omeesh and more. Fasa greatly appreciated my talent and laughed with that horrible sound which Omeesh used to have. Despite everything, I found that the experience was easier than I had feared. I still had to keep my wits about me, but I felt that I had gotten over the worst part of the experience.

Next to Fasa was his personal attendant, which Zez Kai Ell called 'the body slave.' She was a human woman with tan skin and dark hair. She was very beautiful, but had a look in her eyes that seemed to resent me the more he enjoyed my performance. I would not have been surprised if she feared me stealing Fasa's heart from her.

If it were up to me, she could have it. I saw the computer terminal which Zez Kai Ell spoke of and I could tell that it was linked to some very sensitive data that he wouldn't have wanted a spy such as I to get access to. I just had to find a way to get access to that terminal without the prying eyes of the guards on me. While Fasa slept, the room would have been empty of all but him and his body slave... me. Once I took her place, the only thing between me and the terminal was a sleeping hutt.

For about twenty minutes, I danced for Fasa and his laughter died down to the slow breathing of sleep. When he started snoring, the body slave gave a hand signal to everyone in the room. One of the other twi'lek slaves that had been in the room escorted me out.

She had orange skin and a very cheerful look about her. In twi'lek, she addressed me. "I need you to come with me. It's been a long time since the master has enjoyed a performance such as that. You are a wonderful dancer."

My twi'lek was not fluent, but I was understandable. "Thanks. What happens now?"

"I need to get a collar for you and I'll show you to our quarters."

"So we don't get separate rooms?"

"Only the Master's personal servant has her own room. The rest of us are strictly confined to the slave quarters unless the master commands us otherwise. Our shock collars don't restrict us to our quarters, but the Master says that if we are caught without an escort, we'd be punished. If you leave the confines of the palace, or go into a restricted area, your collar will administer a painful shock. I would suggest you stay where you know that it is safe, otherwise ask if you are not sure."

"Is a collar really necessary?" I asked.

She looked at me as though it were too obvious to ask. "Yes. We all must wear a collar, even our first."

"First?"

"Fasa's personal servant. She is entitled to many privileges that we are not. I think you have a good shot at taking the title... if you want it."

"What would I have to do?"

"It involves making yourself recognized among the others. Your dancing was a great start, but it often involves getting... closer to the master. That's why I don't seek it."

Sounded simple enough... disgusting, but within my abilities. "Who is the first, now?"

"Her name is Kasi. She's been here for many years, but became first only a few months ago. She has worked hard to become first and is very sensitive about newcomers such as you, especially those that try to gain Fasa's favor."

She took me to a supply room where a variety of different items were kept for short and long term storage... including slaving collars. She picked up one and handled it like she's done it a hundred times. "This one looks about right for your neck. Hold still and I'll set it for you."

The sight of the damn thing scared me beyond reason. Those collars had a portable power cell that activated if the wearer moved out of a specified area, which eliminated the need for a chain. But it was not that which startled me. At the back of the device was a small explosive that detonated if the collar were improperly removed... or to execute the wearer. If that collar were around my neck... I would literally have been trapped. I had no means to remove it without killing myself once it was around my neck.

Before that could happen, I used a mind trick on her. "I don't need a collar."

It worked. "Oh, I guess that you really don't need one." She hung it back up and turned around. I couldn't believe it, but I came across a sight I never saw on Sleheyron... her back was free of imperfections that came from torture. "You don't have any scars from a shock whip on your back."

She gave a very confident smile. "The master never gives torture unless we truly deserve it. If we did something by accident, he would understand that, but if we defied his orders, we would be disciplined, but not hurt. Only if we did something really terrible... then he would use pain for punishment." She gave me a sympathetic expression. "I saw the scars on your back. I assure you that Master Fasa will never do again if you behave yourself."

I remember those days when slaves had nothing more than each other. This was like reliving one of the few moments that I treasured in Sleheyron. I smiled at hearing that she had it better than me. I wasn't even trying, but I made a friend. "What's your name?"

"Attia"

I extended my hand and we shook. "Yuthura."

"Welcome to Master Fasa's service, Yuthura. I'll show you to our quarters."

-----

This palace seemed like a paradise compared to Sleheyron. I almost found the existence livable, but it was not enough to simply get by... I had to gain Fasa's favor so I could be promoted to first as soon as possible. It may have been a bearable experience, but I hated not being my own person. I hated having to wait in the slave quarters until Fasa summoned me.

The slave quarters were quite spacious, but having eight other people around made me feel claustrophobic. There were six other females aside from me and two male slaves all sharing the same space. The slave quarters really were not so much our living space as it was a public area for Fasa's guests to enjoy themselves... at our expense.

I didn't have much time to get acquainted with the other slaves, as a Weequay was waiting for me within the chamber. At first I thought... I guess I didn't know what I originally thought... but it seemed I was expected to do more than just dancing. Attia said that on top of our normal duties, we were expected to be 'good company' to guests.

I would have used the mind trick to get rid of him, but there were so many witnesses around that I couldn't risk it. And it seemed that he was not interested in anything too intrusive. I could stand rubbing his shoulders, sweet talking to him, and being a pleasant companion for a while. He really loved my dancing and asked if I could do a private dance for him; it was then that I drew the line. With the mind trick, I sent him on his way.

Once he was gone, I realized that getting access to the computer terminal in the throne room may have been much easier than I had expected. If the Hutt were asleep, all I had to do was sneak in and do it without Kasi noticing. It just might have been doable...

The throne room was heavily guarded from the outside, as I expected, so I found an alternate route through the air ducts. Squeezing through seemed easy enough, but the collection of dust and filth that had built up over the decades was horrible. Webs, insect carcasses, and all the other grime was disgusting; but I managed to get into the chamber. I found myself in a nearly perfect position to gain access to the terminal without attracting attention. The Hutt continued to sleep, but I could not see Kasi within the room.

As much as I disliked leaving a potential problem out in the open, I could not afford to waste the opportunity I had right there. The computer normally would have been encrypted, but I had a rare chance to log in and do what I came for. I might have been able to decrypt the codes on my own, but when I saw the control panel providing unbuffered access to all of the sensitive data that was supposed to be encrypted; I went for it without any concern for who else might have been in the room with us.

What I expected to take hours had been done in only a matter of minutes. From what I could determine there were two levels of secrecy within the Exchange communication networks, one that was shared among the major crime lords and another for their local activities. Fasa had a network of spies and operatives whose activities were not of any importance to any of the other lords, which seemed like the best method to create a link by which I could have info downloaded without arousing suspicion.

In the time I had, I generated a new data link to an operative that didn't exist. All that I had to do was conceal it among the rest of the activity and it would never be discovered. After that was established, all I had to do was program the console to shut down the next time anyone logged on and it would wipe away any record of my activity.

Before I was ready to jump back into the air vent, something drew my attention and I realized that someone was approaching me. I knew that I didn't have the time to hide my activity before I was spotted, so I reset the computer; but it was too late for me to avoid being caught.

I jumped away from the console just before Fasa's body slave moved out from behind behind a pillar and gazed upon me. "I thought I heard something! How did you get in here?"

"I'm allowed in here." I commanded of her with the mind trick.

Her mind was strong enough to repel my order. "No you're not. The guards don't allow other slaves in here when the Master's asleep Where's your collar?" She pulled a comlink out of her pocket. "Get in here, now."

Before I could respond, the chamber doors opened and the guards outside came through. The situation didn't seem bad enough that I refrained from using the Force to fight back. If they knew I were a Jedi, they would have known that I was on a mission. Then what I just did would have been for nothing, so I allowed them to take me.

All the commotion generated by the guards and the commands by the body slave woke the Hutt from his nap. He clearly had been upset by the disturbance and shouted at Kasi for what she did.

"Forgive me, Master, but I found this one sneaking around. I don't know how she got in." She directed her attention to the guards. "No one says they let her in."

The Hutt gaze upon me, but didn't seem angered or suspicious. "You're supposed to stay in the slave quarters unless summoned by me. What were you doing in here and how did you get past the guards?"

I hesitated to answer, but came up with a clever lie. "I... didn't know what you wanted of me, Master. I was in here this whole time. I was waiting for you to wake up... I didn't know what you wanted of me, forgive me for not asking."

Kasi didn't believe me. "I thought I saw you escorted out. You weren't here this whole time."

"I'm sorry, but I did not know what you wanted of me, Master. I didn't wish to disturb you. I just didn't know where I was supposed to go." I lied.

"Is that why you don't have a collar? Attia was supposed to see that you learned the rules here. Did she not speak to you?"

I gently shook my head.

Kasi knew I was lying. "I saw her. I saw Attia speak to this one after you were asleep, Master. Ask Attia herself and she'll tell you."

The Hutt looked at me again. "Attia's supposed to have fitted her with a collar as well. I don't think so. I'd be more inclined to believe that this one simply wasn't informed of the rules and just acted in ignorance. As for Attia... bring her before me."

"Master...." Kasi began before being interrupted.

"She is deserving of punishment, one way or another. I just want to know whether she neglected her duties, or if she forgot to fit her with a collar."

Kasi began again. "This is the one I think you should be concerned about. She's lied to you already."

"I'll decide that for myself, thank-you. I just want to see whether Attia has something else to say. She did not fit Yuthura with a collar; that is undeniable."

When Attia entered the chamber, she had been interrogated about me. I'll just say that she answered the truth and it did not satisfy the Hutt. The more she did, the more severe her punishment became. "That's enough! If you had simply told me the truth, I might have handed out a light punishment, but because you've continued to brush off you responsibilities... I take this very seriously." He looked to a Gamorian guard. "Take her to receive ten shock lashes."

She did not deserve that! This had nothing to do with her, but she would have received punishment for something I was responsible for. As she fell to the floor begging, I saw her back again... clean of imperfections and I couldn't bear to see the scars that a whip would leave behind. It would have been just as though I had given them to her... and the thought sickened me.

I stepped forward. "Master... I should be the one who is punished. I was the one not wearing a collar. I should have known better."

Attia brought her head up and looked at me as though I were a godsend... not knowing I was the one who caused all that.

"It was Attia's duty to break in new slaves and give them collars. She knew what was required of her and didn't follow through." Fasa responded.

The guard picked her up off the floor and she cried in fear. I couldn't help her with the Force, so I got on my knees. "Master please give me the punishment instead. I knew I should have had on a collar, but I didn't do anything about it."

This was very strange of me to ask for punishment. That's what Omeesh tried to do to his slaves... break them and make them ask for more punishment. Only this was done to keep another from being harmed. I couldn't live with the guilt, but I could stand the pain of a whip more easily.

"Wait!" Fasa commanded. He gestured me to come up to him and quietly whispered in my ear. "I respect what you're doing, but I have to maintain order and she knew..."

I protested further. "She didn't do anything! Please give me the punishment instead."

He seemed to like that I was willing to serve another before I served myself. "I would reward such... loyalty, but because I have to maintain the rules..." He pulled back. "Let Attia go. Yuthura will take the punishment instead."

Attia started crying for me and gestured her gratitude for what I did. Although her gratitude was manufactured by me, it was warming to know I made her feel valued. I was the one escorted by the Gamorian out of the room and I put up no resistance. Although I was grateful that Attia wouldn't suffer, I was not fond of what was ahead for me.

-----

The Gamorian hauled me to a room that didn't have the semblance of a torture chamber, but there was a line hanging from the ceiling where a victim's hands would be tied to administer shock whips. I saw no blood or indication that it was done often. Maybe Fasa was a more decent master to his servants after all. Maybe I could stand leaving the other slaves behind. In Nar Shadaa, they would have had it much worse than living as Fasa's servants.

My hands were bound to the line and secured so I wouldn't fall to the floor. A sudden fear came over me that I would instinctively use the Force to avoid being hurt. I knew that I couldn't allow that to happen right there, so I put myself in another moment where I was at peace.

I suddenly felt the the Gamorian pull off my top, exposing my breasts like in the medical ward. That was so my clothing wouldn't be damaged by the whip, but it increased the pressure upon me even further.

A few seconds later, I felt the first painful lash tear through the flesh on my back. It was every bit as painful as I remembered. I used a Force technique that reduced the pain, but it still hurt. My screams were much more exaggerated than the pain I actually felt, but not by much.

When the tenth lash had hit, I suddenly felt a huge sense of relief. I didn't react as I feared. That relief turned to despair when the Gamorian placed a slaving collar around my neck and secured it. That brought about a very sickening feeling in my stomach. With the explosive in the back of the collar, I trapped. For the first time since I was on Sleheyron, I was truly trapped.

When the Gamorian released my hands, I fell to the floor, then was given a moment to get my top back on before being escorted to the throne room. At that time, I found myself on the verge of panic. The thought of being trapped had become so hard pressed upon me more then than any other moment of my life. I had no idea how to escape that horrible place. I was trapped and I had no idea whether or not I could escape alive.


	26. Enslaved

I could barely remember what it was like to be free. It felt like a lifetime ago that I found myself trapped in the service of Fasa. It had only been three days since the slaving collar had been locked around my neck. I couldn't tamper with the lock without having it explode. I knew that was a fail-safe designed to make escape impossible, or to keep slaves from being stolen.

It wasn't tight enough to strangle me, but I found it so hard to breathe. It made me feel so claustrophobic that I struggled to think straight. Every moment of every day, that collar tormented me. It hurt just to live... I had been trapped in a prison of fear. Fasa was by no means the cruel master that I had on Sleheyron, yet I cried myself to sleep every night as though I were about to die.

As each passing day grew worse, I found that I could not harness the Force anymore. I couldn't find the peace I needed because I was in a state of panic. I couldn't let myself become hostile because I couldn't expose myself. The instant Fasa discovered he had a Jedi in his possession, it would have made my fate even less certain than it already was. As long as I played my role properly, I knew I would be safe.

Or rather I wasn't in danger of losing my life. Fasa at least preferred keeping his slaves in pristine condition, so there wasn't the needless brutality that I suffered under Omeesh. Of course the mental abuse was every bit as terrible. I didn't know whether I had ended up in a better place than Sleheyron or not. Omeesh was cruel and he murdered every single slave when he was done with them. Was Fasa any better in keeping us alive so we could serve him even longer?

Fasa seemed to take a liking to me. He had me dance for him ever so often and I did exactly what he wanted of me. I seemed to obey my master instinctively, fearing that I would be punished if I did anything else. Of course there was always that horrid collar around my neck, reminding me that there was no escape... except death. That wasn't the worst part of it; it was being kept alive at the whim of the Hutt.

I hated that collar and I hated knowing that it only took a few well-placed taps of his fingers and the decision to execute me. There was something about being so close to death and not having a means to get away from it. Yet all the while I had a Hutt with the means to extort me for all I was worth. It got worse with each passing moment, as though every moment I lived went to his benefit.

But it got even worse, it just seemed as though there was no threshold at which the horror would stagnate; it just kept getting worse and worse. I remembered a time when I thought that my body would never be violated again... I vowed that I would die before I let someone... I almost wished I had... died. But I just wanted to live a little more.

I had been in the slave quarters with someone... one of Fasa's guests. We were in a private location, so no one else saw the humiliation I suffered. All I had on was that damned collar. He had dressed himself and said some parting words before slapping my ass. I think was supposed to be a sexual compliment, but it was painful. I almost rose up to attack, but then I realized I couldn't reveal myself. I had felt the Force come back to me, if only briefly before suppressing it again. It seemed as though it had bottled itself within me, just waiting to breach. It was difficult to describe, but what I felt seemed to slap me in the face that I was a Jedi and that if I couldn't save myself, my defensive instincts would kick in.

He left the shutter open when he departed, but it wasn't like privacy really mattered to me at that moment. I had it with that wretched place! I hated that slaving collar and I had to get rid of it! I grabbed it with my hands and tried desperately to break the lock and free myself of it forever. As if my flesh could possibly break it apart, but it didn't matter. Just fighting to break it loose seemed to make it easier, feeling the pressure against the back of my neck, my fingers between my flesh and the metal, and the sense that I have had enough!

I wish I could say that it was a valiant struggle, but it was quite futile. I couldn't help seeing myself like a child crying to get what she wanted, knowing that it wouldn't convince her parents to give her what she wanted, but I acted just like that. It drew quite some attention from the other slaves. It must have gone on for only a matter of seconds, but I soon felt the Force flowing through me again and suddenly felt the metal strain from extreme tension. It was as though the Force heard my call and came to aid me again.

If the collar had been removed by force, it would explode. When I heard the lock begin to buckle under the stress, I gasped in horror. It was as though I came to the verge of killing myself and that only a little more pressure was all I needed to set it off. Then all my anger turned to the most extreme alarm I've ever felt in my life.

Hearing that metal deform under the stress filled me with fantastic terror that caused me to pull my hands away and draw back, but I could not restrain the Force. It knew exactly what I wanted and I instinctively continued attacking the lock. My fear swelled to such an extent that I knew I had to stop myself. It was like being underwater with my lungs about to collapse and desperate not to inhale. It was like inhaling water and instead of preserving what little air I had left, I would start choking.

I lifted my head and saw the wall in front of me. It then dawned on me... I had to keep myself from choking or I would die. I threw my head into the wall as hard as I could. I must not have been thinking straight, but at the very least it worked. I felt the extreme pain very briefly before I lost consciousness.

--------

Darkness slowly faded back into the harshness of reality. I heard voices speaking softly and I raised my head, but it quickly returned to the table again. The impact was by far very gentle, but it hurt greatly. It was still around my neck... that collar. It took me a while to remember where I was, but it almost gave me some comfort to feel that wretched thing again. It meant I was still alive.

One of the male slaves hovered over me. "Hold still. You have not fully recovered."

I kept my eyes closed, but moved my head as to not pinch my leku. I sighed with some relief, but couldn't escape that I was in the same position as before. I still had nothing on, but was covered with a blanket. I clutched it and held it firmly over my breasts. "What happened?"

"You hit your head."

I brought my hand to the top of my head. I didn't have any lumps, but it was especially painful because I hit myself where my leku met up with my skull.

After a long pause, he continued. "The Master commanded you to the throne room, but we told him what happened. Guests aren't supposed to hit us."

"What?"

He took a bowl of water and soaked a cloth in it. "I guess that bash on your head is worse than I thought. Is that blood?" He placed the cloth across my forehead as if to clean something away. I had suddenly come to realize that the dermal adhesive that concealed my tattoos had begun to wear off. "Wait... something is..."

I took his wrist and moved it away. "Just leave it. I'm alright."

He realized what was on my skin and started peeling it off. "Are these tattoos? Did the Master know about these?"

I brushed his hand away and sat up, the blanket slipping down to my waist. "I have to get out of here. I can't stay here."

He tried to hold me back, but I brushed him away again. "Take it easy. You need to rest."

I shook my head, despite how much it hurt. "No, please let me go."

"Go? Go where? Master Fasa had relieved you of your duties until you've recovered." I twisted my head around to look for my outfit, but he handed me a box that was nearby. "This is for you. He said it would please him greatly for you to wear it."

I sorta stared at the box, which had a very decorative crest on the front. I could only imagine what he wanted to put me in which would please him... it at least has to be better than wearing only that collar. So I took it and flipped off the cover only to find exactly what I expected; a traditional one-piece outfit that left even less to the imagination than the one I brought with me.

Well it was better than nothing.

------

I could never understand why Hutts found twi'leks so alluring. We weren't of the same species and they were attracted to the humanoid variety. It didn't make any sense why they seemed to take to females more. I didn't get how they could POSSIBLY find a species so dissimilar to be so attractive, yet have preference between sexes.

Well whether I did or not, Hutts always dressed their female slaves in the skimpiest costumes they could. Maybe they just did so in order to demean us. It certainly humiliated me to wear that outfit Fasa gave me. I was a Sith master and Jedi! If only he knew... but that was exactly what I couldn't reveal.

Despite being allowed to rest in the infirmary, I had to get out of there. I had so much going through my head, other than just the pain, that I needed to find something to take my mind off things. I never thought I would have voluntarily danced for a Hutt, but it was the only option other than nothing. My head still hurt, but I insisted that I not be relieved of duty.

A guard escorted me to the throne room, where Fasa and another Hutt were eating dinner. It seemed as though it were a special event, according to the elegant selection of food they were eating. I must have hit my head harder than I thought; I never would have imagined myself volunteering to entertain my master.

Fasa's attention had been diverted from his guest to me. The guard brought me before him. "This slave says she's fit for duty."

The Hutt's eyes dilated as he gazed upon me. "Are you sure you're alright? You were beaten up rather badly."

"Yes... Master. My head still hurts, but I would rather not stay in bed." I answered.

Fasa's smile grew ever sharper. It wasn't a vicious look, but the joyous kind that came when I danced for him. "You are such a good servant." He gestured me to the other Hutt. "Blotus, this is Yuthura. I suppose she will dance for us after all."

"Good. I was beginning to wonder if she was really as good as you claimed, or that you were just..." Blotus started before being interrupted by Fasa.

"I never claim to posses what I do not have. And I have the greatest dancer on Nar Shadaa right in front of me."

"That I'll judge for myself. I'd rather see her for what she is than what you claim her to be."

Fasa extended his arm out and gestured me to approach him. He gently took hold of my chin and examined my face more closely. He saw my tattoos peering out from under the epidermal paint that was breaking down. He didn't mention it though, probably just wanting me to dance for his guest more. "You are a good girl. Dance for us; whichever routine you choose. Make your master proud."

When he released me, I had been smiling, but it was purely for show. Inside, I had been suffering from the humiliation and the despair of everything. I just thought of the life I had been doomed to endure. I had never thought I could ever be imprisoned and enslaved in such a way ever again, but there I was doing everything my master ordered of me. As I sank lower and lower, it was as though my tie to the Force was being compromised.

I had briefly glanced upon Kasi and I could see extreme hate in her eyes. When Fasa spoke so highly of me, it was as though I had been seeking to take her place as Fasa's personal servant. She just wanted me dead... she didn't want me to gain Fasa's favor.

-------

That evening seemed to go very well. I struggled to dance for Fasa and Blotus, but I performed flawlessly. My head hurt and I couldn't touch the Force, but the pressure had been so extreme that I wouldn't risk making a mistake. The Hutts enjoyed me thoroughly for that entire evening, and I danced long past the point of physical exhaustion. It was only when Fasa got some contract sighed that he ordered me to stop. I just wanted to go to bed, but he wanted me for something afterwards.

Blotus didn't seem to notice my tattoos while I was dancing, but Fasa wanted to know about them. I feared that he would connect Sith tattoos with a Sith, but he clearly didn't recognize them as such. He took me to his bed chamber afterwards in order to clean off the epidermal paint from my body.

It was the most unpleasant experience of my life to be held in the arms of that hutt as he cleaned me off. I could tell that he thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. Kasi had been ordered to remain outside, but I could almost sense her hate of me while I had that thing's tongue brushing over my skin. If I had eaten anything, I would have vomited; I was that sickened. I hated the hell I was in and just wanted to die.

--------

I thought he was going to have me sleep with him, but Fasa sent me back to the slave quarters. Kasi looked at me with scorn as I walked past, but as the guard nodded and escorted me away, she almost seemed... relieved. For some reason, her expression seemed to leave me uneasy. Despite everything that's been going on, that just didn't make sense to me... someone in her position wouldn't have been so relaxed like that.

As I and the guard escorting me moved to the slave quarters, he grabbed me and diverted us down another hallway that couldn't have been right. When I turned to ask, I suddenly felt the Force coming back to me. It wasn't exactly precognition, but I seemed to piece together everything in an instant about Kasi and the guard when I heard a knife being drawn from its sheath.

By the time that I turned around, he had already grabbed me by the neck and pinned me against a wall so I couldn't scream. That damned slave collar left just enough space under my neck for someone to effectively cut off my breathing. I tried as hard as I could to scream, but he had effectively silenced me. That knife was in a ready position, but I managed to get my hand in the way as he attempted to plunge it into my chest.

The pain from my hand was excruciating. The blade pierced through my palm, but as I wasn't allowed to scream; no one could hear my suffering. It got worse when he withdrew it from my flesh, which opened the wound even further. Blood gushed from the fresh wound and I grasped my palm as tightly as I could, but it just seemed to make the pain worse. That and not being able to breathe made me desperate to break free, but I knew I had to protect myself from being stabbed again.

The Force sometimes allowed us to make decisions quickly; like being able to organize fleeting thoughts within a matter of seconds. I had never really understood how that worked, but when it seemed as though that moment lasted an eternity; I realized that it was because the rest of the galaxy seemed to slow down for me. My eyes were shut, but I could almost see everything that was going on in that hallway. I saw myself as if from another perspective with the guard holding me against the wall and him with a knife in his hand.

A drop of blood just trickled off the blade as he drove it towards my chest again. I could feel the strength behind his arm and the unyielding form of the metal as it moved towards my delicate, frail flesh. I also came to realize the urgency of halting that knife without piercing my heart, which I knew depended upon me taking hold of the Force and defending myself.

I concentrated as hard as I possibly could to focus one concentrated burst of Force energy upon him. That knife came ever closer, stagnated for the briefest of moments, and then was pulled away along with the one holding it.

When the opposite hand left my neck, I gasped for breath followed by a scream of pain when I let it out. I fell to the my knees, wailing in agony. That, combined with the mental anguish I've suffered since being in that horrible place, brought me to tears. I curled myself into a ball, almost around my bleeding hand, and continued gasping for air. Panting with each breath and wailing with each exhale seemed to intensify to the point of hyperventilation. I started blacking out and likely passed out when the pain became too intense.

------

I very slowly opened my eyes, as if I barely had the energy just to lift my eyelids. Maybe I wished that they had closed forever. Hell... after what I went through, I might as well have just let myself be killed. But I yet lived... I lived.

I had drugs in my system; I was numb to pain. I raised my left hand to see it had been dressed. I was in a very comfortable bed, covered by a lavish blanket, and in a private room. I was alone, but I could sense someone outside the door... the Force was with me. The collar still remained.

I took hold of it with my right hand, feeling the metal around my neck that seemed more like a tormentor than anything else. That damned thing just seemed like it had become a part of me which was tied to the confinements of the palace. And it had become the bane of my existence.

I thought back on everything that's happened in the last four days and how I let myself become Fasa's slave just as I had Omeesh. Ever since he took me by the throat, I discarded everything that I was so I could survive. I hated slavery. I hated it with all my being and I hated myself for allowing myself to become one again. I also realized that I couldn't live like that anymore. I had to escape, or I would die.

When I had the strength to, I got to my feet and reached the door, only to find it unlocked. The Gran guard stood tall when he saw me. "Madam, is there anything that you require?"

I looked at him with great confusion. He didn't address me as 'slave' and asked if there was anything 'I' needed. "What's going on?"

"You were assaulted last night and Great Fasa ordered me to ensure you would not be harmed again. I must say... After last night, I don't think anyone would have the balls to try. How were you able to kill your attacker? He had a knife, but you killed him with your bare hands." he answered.

I just stared at him as though I didn't comprehend anything he said. "Wait... why have I been given a bodyguard? What's going on?"

He looked at me, very confused. "You're the Master's first servant now. Were you not told?"

I shook my head.

He smiled. "Well after we found you, the Master knew that Kasi was responsible. After that, it seemed pretty obvious who he would choose to replace her."

"How did he know it was her? What happened to Kasi?"

"Because she also stole the credits that we found on the attacker. The Master hadn't decided yet whether or not she would be euthanized."

"Euthanized?!"

"Well yes. If Kasi poses a danger to the rest of you, he would not want to risk your safety. Would you really feel comfortable living with Kasi after what she did? I know all the other slaves were intimidated by her, but she had been the most loyal to him. That's the only reason he's even considered letting her live."

"Where is she now?" I asked.

"Don't worry. She's locked away where she can't harm you again. Even if the Master should decide to spare her, she's still going to receive serious punishment for what she did."

I had no idea why, but it didn't seem to bother me that Kasi tried to have me killed. I didn't feel any resentment towards her, as we were all victims in this. If I hadn't shown up, she'd never have wanted me dead. And I could not just do nothing if I could save her.

When I proceeded into the hall, I waved my hand in front of the guard. "You will continue guarding this door."

"Yes, I will remain at my post."

--------

I made my way to the chastisement chamber of I had been taken to a few days ago... it seemed like a lifetime ago to me. I was surprised how few people were roaming around the palace, but I tried to avoid being seen whenever I could. Even though I probably could have walked around freely, being promoted to Fasa's personal servant, I didn't want to risk being caught.

As I drew closer to the chamber, I started hearing screaming. It was rather faint to the ear, but it was only because I was so far from the source. It was somewhat intermittent, but I could tell it was coming from one who was suffering greatly. Hearing it almost scared me as greatly as if I were going through such horror, myself. I proceeded the rest of the way with caution being the last thing on my mind.

When I entered the chamber, I saw a Gamorian administering shock lashes to Kasi. Just as he caught sight of me, I reached out with the Force and took hold of his neck. When I heard the neck bones snap, I threw the body back against the wall and rushed to help Kasi.

Her hands were bound to the ceiling, she had been stripped of her clothes, her back was covered with old scars left by shock whips along with many new ones, and she was crying. I released her wrists and guided her down to the floor. She barely seemed to notice that the torture had stopped, let alone know that she wasn't alone. I had placed my hand under her neck to support her head. "Kasi, Kasi?"

Her black hair had draped over her face, but I could see her eyes through the strands as she looked up. "Why couldn't you have just died? He never would have suspected me."

Considering what I had been doing for her, I couldn't believe she would wish me dead, but I didn't let it get to me. "And who do you think he would have suspected if I had been killed?"

She gently shook her head. "You didn't deserve to be his first. I had worked my whole life to earn his favor... I earned my place for my years of loyal service and he just gave it to you. I would have sacrificed myself to protect him and he just cast me aside." As she spoke those words, tears came to her eyes. It was as though her soul had been crushed.

"Kasi... why does that surprise you? That is your master's choice, isn't it?"

Her crying intensified. "Yes... and I know that I should have accepted his decision, but... it just wasn't fair!"

"Do you know how to disarm the collars? We can both escape this place."

She shook her head. "No, I don't wish to leave. Master Fasa said that he would be willing to forgive me if I..."

"How do you disarm the collars?" I asked again.

"I won't help you escape. If I did, he would know..."

"I need to get out of this place! I'll take you with me; he'll never find you."

She pushed me away. "Please get out of here! I can't betray Master Fasa again!"

I held her closer and stroked the back of her head. She didn't exactly like being handled, but was too weak to resist. "Kasi, Fasa has already made his decision. He said that you have become too dangerous and that you are to be terminated."

She fought back. "No, I don't believe you. He wouldn't!"

I looked her straight in the eye. "He was quick enough to replace you with me. Do you really think he cares about you? Do you really think that if you pose a risk to me, that he would not simply get rid of you to ensure I would be safe?"

She stared at me with extreme scorn in her eyes. She tried to hide it, but I knew that I had convinced her. Kasi had a look about her as though she were already dead, so anything she did didn't matter anyway. "Even if we could escape, I don't know if we could survive out there."

"You just unlock the collars. I'll take care of the rest."

"What do you mean by that?"

"After we've escaped, I'll take you with me. I'll take you anywhere you want and he'll never find you."

The battered woman slowly rose to her feet and stared at me. "Who are you? Really?"

"I'm a spy working for the Republic. I didn't expect that I would be trapped here, but I need your help. After that, you can start a new life; wherever you want to go." I desperately answered.

She slowly walked over to a control panel. "I've never done it before, but I think it will work. I'm going to try your collar first, but there is a risk that I could trigger the explosive."

I sighed and leaned my head back. "Just do it."

I heard a series of commands as she tapped on the control panel. "Collar T59." Then she gestured me to move away. "Could you please stand back? I don't want to be near it... in case this doesn't work."

I sighed in frustration, as it just reminded me that I had an explosive device on my neck, and took a few steps back. "Just do it."

As I heard her continue punching in commands, I would have been lying if I said I weren't afraid. I was so nervous about the outcome that I barely thought of what it would mean if it worked. I would have felt better if she had known that it worked, but at that point, I just wanted to get out of that horrible place. One way or another.

When I heard a click from the collar, I was almost convinced that it was an explosion. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was still alive. Slowly I reached for the collar and pulled it from my neck.

I almost fell to my knees as quickly as the collar fell to the floor, my hands feeling the wonderful texture of the newly-exposed flesh around my neck. I gasped as though I hadn't taken a breath of air in days, panting in the greatest relief I ever felt in my entire life. It just felt so good to not have that around my neck anymore that I almost forgot where I was.

Kasi watched me for several seconds, almost to let me catch my breath, before tapping on the control panel again. "Master Fasa trusted me enough that he gave me his security code for the slaving collars."

I raised my head. "If you could have just activated the explosive in my collar, then why didn't you?"

"If I had, he would have known it was me. I just have to deactivate mine and..." When she paused, I heard some kind of warning or alarm coming from the control panel. "No!"

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Master Fasa has just cut me off... he must have accessed his..."

Just then, a transmission was sent to that control panel. It was Fasa on audio only. "Kasi, I happened to notice that someone accessed the controls for the slaves' collars. I must say that I never expected something like this from you."

"Master, please..."

"I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice. I might have been able to forgive you for what you did, but I realize that if I can't trust you anymore; I can't allow you to live."

"No, Master, please! I am ever loyal!"

As I heard the Hutt speak, I somehow knew that I had brought death upon Kasi. I wanted so much to save her, but I just couldn't imagine what could stop what was about to happen. I felt so guilty and wished so much for Fasa to just let her walk out alive.

"I don't know how you were able to get access to a computer terminal, but I see that you were trying to escape. You swore to serve me for as long as you live, but broke that oath. Shame on you."

Those words pierced her heart with so much pain that she started weeping, pouring herself upon the panel and sliding onto her knees. "Please Master I beg of you. Please... I want to live."

"You live to serve. If you cannot serve, then you do not deserve to live."

She wailed in agony, as though her heart were torn from her chest. Kasi slowly turned her head around to look at me one last time.

I actually had started crying as well, but just didn't realize it until I saw her face. Within her eyes was that hate again. I could almost tell exactly what was going through her mind at the moment... I was the one responsible for all this. If I hadn't shown up, she would have lived through this. Instead, I watched helplessly as she prepared herself for death.

A series of micro-charges embedded in the collar Kasi wore beeped and then detonated with a noise like a dozen firecrackers going off. I watched as the fiery flashes erupted, blinding light obscuring for a fraction of a second before vaporizing most of the flesh to reveal only the charred remains of he throat and windpipe. It ripped through and virtually severed her head completely from her body. I briefly saw Kasi's lifeless face before she collapsed limply backwards, arterial blood spraying copiously as her life had been casually extinguished.

I stared at her body with utter shock. I've seen many deaths on Sleheyron, but there was something that made Kasi's so much more painful than any of the others. That was really the first time that I had the power to save her. That was a death that I could have stopped.

Despite killing her, the Hutt said 'Goodbye' on the com system, as though she really mattered to him. How could he have done something so cruel... I didn't have time to grieve for her; I had to get out of that place before guards saw me.

I really wished that there were a way for me to give Kasi a proper funeral, but I realized that it didn't matter anymore. She was dead and it wouldn't have made any difference for her body to be buried or fed to an animal. Only if she lived could I have saved her. Instead, I ran as fast as I could and didn't look back... as I always had.


	27. Escaped

It was strange; I barely knew Kasi, and yet I agonized over her death. I had wished so much that we could have escaped together, but only I walked out of that place. It wasn't survivor's guilt, but just the terrible realization that her life was snuffed out so callously.

I just remembered the way she looked at me the instant before she died. It was as though she blamed me for what happened. In a way I was, but it was more because of that damned Hutt than me. If he hadn't bought her, taken an interest in me, or pushed the button which murdered her... it just didn't seem to alleviate the guilt I felt for my part in it all. If I just didn't go into Fasa's palace in the first place, she would still have been alive. I remembered thinking death was better than life as a slave, but that thought just didn't give me any comfort.

After escaping the Palace, I was still been clad in that slave garment; so many eyes were on me as I made my way through Nar Shadaa. I could barely remember the way back to Zez Kae Ell's apartment and easily got lost in the planet-wide city. In my attempts to find him, I just seemed to get further from where I was supposed to go. I hated that place!

I thought that the ordeal would be over after I managed to escape, but I found that getting back was much more difficult. All of Nar Shadaa looked the same to me, so I had no idea how to find my way back. I knew that I had to backtrack each time I got lost so that I had some point of reference, but it just meant a lot of trial and error until I found my destination.

If things couldn't have been worse, there were a number of people who took an interest in me. Appearing to be just an escaped slave, I was a prime target for someone interested in making some easy credits or who was just lonely.

When either kind approached me, I wasn't subtle. I could easily have used the mind trick on them, but I wanted much more to hurt them; to demonstrate that I was not defenseless. I was tired, angry, and frustrated; but after four days of having to hide myself, it felt good to know I could be as brutal as I wanted.

To them I was just a helpless slave girl, which was why I didn't just use the mind trick to get rid of them. I wanted them to make an illegal move so that I could show them that I was the one to be feared. Nothing was greater than turning fear against those who preyed upon the fearful. Those that witnessed me unleash the Force upon unwitting victims immediately knew enough to draw back in fear.

I thought about getting some clothes from one of the shops, but a pair of thugs came at me before I could enter. The outfit I wore clearly gave me away as an escaped slave, which was what caught their attention. "Hey, baby. You run away? Why don't you come with us and we'll..."

I walked around the thug. "Go away."

The other thug grabbed me from behind. He didn't do it aggressively, which was why I didn't react; only to keep me from walking away. "You don't look like you have any credits on you. You know that if you tried stealing, they'd find your master and send you back to him."

The other thug got beside me. I noticed he had a symbol near his collar that indicated that he was with the Red Eclipse slaving syndicate. He intended to capture me and sell me off, but he didn't want me to fight. "If you want to come with us, we'll give you something more... appropriate to change into. And we'll make sure you never see your old master again."

For some reason, I couldn't help but smile. Those fools had no idea who they were dealing with. "Thank-you, I'll pass."

"We insist."

"I suggest that you let me go. If you don't, I'll shatter every bone in your body." I confidently declared.

"Ohh... she's going to resist. Come on, baby. Let's see what you got."

I took hold of the neck of the guy holding me with the Force and lifted him straight in the air. For a brief second, he had pulled me up with him; but released me when he realized what was going on. I turned around and threw him into the wall as hard as I could. Let's just say that I wanted to deliver on my ultimatum.

When the other thug say what I did, he cowered away in fear. "What?! How did...?" When he tried to run away, I could say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The guy knew what it was like to be afraid, but I wasn't finished yet. I took hold of him with the Force and held him over a ledge that dropped into an urban canyon, almost a kilometer deep. As he struggled to breathe, he tried pleading for mercy.

I shook my head. "This is exactly what you deserve. It's much more than you ever gave us."

When I let go, I leaned over the balcony and watched him plummet into the depths of Nar Shadaa. His scream of terror quickly faded as his body accelerated towards the ground. I lifted my head as soon as he vanished under a cloud of smog suspended a few hundred meters below. I knew that I wouldn't have wanted to be him as the seconds until impact counted down, but it was a much better fate than counting the years you would be serving your owner. That was a much more merciful end than anything he'd ever done for his victims.

"Did you even try using mental persuasion?" I heard from behind me.

I shot myself around to discover that Master Zez Kae Ell had found me. "Master... I forgot the way back. How did you...?"

"Finding a Jedi on Nar Shadaa is difficult... but not impossible." He approached me and removed his cloak to wrap around me. "How long have you been out?"

As he tied his cloak around me, I had dropped to my knees and closed my eyes. I had been so exhausted from the last several days and I felt safe for the first time since my ordeal began. "I don't know. A day maybe."

"By God... what happened to you?"

"Please... just take me to my ship." I requested.

"You're in no condition to fly." He wrapped his arm around as if to help me stand, but instead picked me up completely. For an old man, he was quite strong if he expected to carry me all the way back by himself. "I'll take care of you."

-------

It had been over a decade since I escaped from captivity on Sleheyron. As Zez Kae Ell carried me back, it was almost like reliving the first time Alfred came into my life. So soon after escaping another captivity only to be carried to safety... it brought back memories.

He set me upon his bed and went to find another blanket for me. "How long was I gone?" I asked.

"It's been nearly a week." he answered as he tucked another blanket over me.

"A week? It feels like a lifetime ago. How could it only have been...?"

I heard some rustling from the other side of the room. He started digging through a plasteel container, looking for something. The rattling was unusually irritating and I closed my eyes as if to block out the sounds. Maybe I was just so tired and desperate for sleep.

"Here. Alfred said this was your favorite."

I opened my eyes and saw him offering me a bottle of black ale. I was somewhat surprised that he had one for me, but I looked at him as if to silently refuse.

"It's alright. If it makes you feel better, just go ahead."

He set it on the table next to the bed and gave me a glass as well. I hesitated to take it, not exactly proud of that habit; but then figured that he obviously knew about my drinking problem. I downed my first glass without even savoring it. The next few went down a little more steadily. Zez Kae Ell stood on the opposite side of the room, keeping me just in the corner of his eye. He turned himself away to a point where he wasn't staring at me, but also not ignoring me. That was the kind of thing Alfred did for me in moments such as these; allowing me to choose whether I needed attention or to be alone.

After about five minutes of silence, I began to feel the intoxicants as they took effect. I finally was able to relax both my mind and body for the first time in a week. When I was finally ready to speak, I just started. "That was the worst experience I've ever gone through."

He diverted his attention entirely upon me. "I'm sorry I asked you to go through all that; I know how much you detest slavery." He hesitated to ask "Did you accomplish your mission?"

"Yeah, I finished the job shortly after I got in."

"That's great news." He said with little enthusiasm. "Shortly after you arrived?"

I gently nodded. "I was unable to leave. I spent all this time trying to escape."

"But how? Surly..."

"I don't want to talk of it." I commanded.

A long moment of silence came between us. I didn't know how long it endured, but is was broken only by the background noise of Nar Shadaa. The perpetual sound of speeders, industrial production, chatter, and electronic beeping from droids all combined created an unusual form of white noise. Never the same from one moment to the next, which was hardly meditative. The random and inconsistent disruption by sirens, crashes, and panic in the distance stood out like pebbles upon a beach of fine-grained sand. You could get used to it, but it was always irritating.

I finally broke that silence. "Do you want me out of here soon?"

"You can stay for as long as you want. Just do whatever you must. It's over now and you did well."

Those words had little impact on me. It wasn't over as long as the memories remained. But I couldn't just have them erased left and right, even if the Council would do it. There was nothing I could do but accept what happened. I clasped the blanket and wrapped myself up into a fetal position very as I had when I was on Sleheyron.

-----

I scarcely had any rest, but just getting a few hours away from harshness of reality helped. When I woke up, Zez Kae Ell wasn't with me. Although I had been in no danger, I was afraid to get out of bed. I knew that he was going to come back for me, but I really wished that he had been with me.

If he had even left some kind of message to tell me where he was and when to expect him back, that would have eased my mind a bit. Just waking up in a stranger's apartment on a strange world made me very uncomfortable. I just didn't want to be left alone.

Left alone? Why did that bother me so much? I wasn't like that before I came here. Something's changed; I've not felt so vulnerable in a long time. I felt around my neck to confirm that the shock collar was indeed gone. I remember when I first got rid of it, I was almost glad to have those slavers come after me... it gave me an excuse to kill them.

Sometimes psychologically-abused victims follow one of two tracks, where they identified either with the victim or the aggressor. Those that Omeesh had broken on Sleheyron accepted themselves as victims and that he was right to beat them into submission. Clearly I identified with him, which was what lead me to the Sith. I did it again with those slavers.

It was then that I heard someone outside, trying to bypass the lock. That startled me because he was at it for several seconds; a passkey shouldn't have taken so long to open. It made me nervous, despite every reason to believe it was just Zez Kae Ell. That made me uneasy to have gotten so restless over such a minor thing as the unlocking of a door.

He finally unlocked the door and entered. "How are you feeling?" he asked, securing the door and coming to my bedside.

"Miserable."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He brought something with him and offered it to me. "Here, something for you to change into." He had gotten some new clothes for me. That was very considerate of him, but I didn't express the proper gratitude when he set them on the bed and turned away. "Do you want me out?"

"It's alright; I don't have any problems with modesty." The outfit I had on was comfortable enough that I just put the simple garments on over it. It seemed rather ironic how expensive slave garments were compared to that of common folk, yet they didn't show off anything but their master's wealth. The clothes I had been given weren't very fancy, but they were more practical. And they certainly left a lot less to the imagination.

Before I was dressed, he started speaking towards the wall on the opposite side of the room. "There's something I need to speak to you about... those men that you killed yesterday."

I sighed in disgust. "They were with the Red Eclipse. They were slavers... and they tried to take me."

"I saw you drop one into the abyss after he tried running away. That was not self-defense; it was murder."

I furrowed my brow to display my feelings as prominently as I could. "He was a slaver. If I let him live, he would have continued to steal people's lives. What I did was keep that from happening to his future victims."

He turned around and saw the anger in my eyes, but wouldn't hold his tongue. "Was that really why you did it?"

"Two slavers' miserable lives. It doesn't matter."

"You could have gotten out of that without resorting to violence."

"Without resorting to violence?! It's because of that softhearted... sympathetic, toothless crap that they aren't afraid of us! It's because they know there are no real consequences. They just act! The only thing that would stop such people is fear and that's exactly what I did."

He stared at me silently, but in his expression, I could tell exactly what was going through his mind. I had to admit that I had trouble believing what I was spouting. Who was I to speak about mercy when I was alive because of it?

I turned away and sat upon the bed. "I know what I did... and why I did it. I can live with that."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"You know that isn't the first time that I've killed someone? I've had more than my share of sinful actions. It's not new to me."

He sat on a box across from me and looked as though he were about to give me a lecture. "How do you feel about it? Do you feel even a little guilty right now?"

"I don't exactly feel like being psychoanalyzed."

"I'm not psychoanalyzing you." He sighed and stood up again to think. "This most recent experience has affected you more greatly than I feared. You are difficult to read, but I can tell that you are in extreme emotional turmoil right now. I'm concerned for you."

I stared at him for a long while, wondering whether or not I wanted to talk about it. It would have been to my benefit to tell him what was wrong, but instead I just felt too embarrassed to admit how low I sunk when I was in captivity. No Jedi would have surrendered like I had, which was why I didn't want to discuss it with him. "I really just need to leave Nar Shadaa."

"I understand. This is not the best place to center oneself. You are welcome to stay for as long as you need, or to leave whenever you want."

I nodded, but gave no indication of my intent. Just then I remembered that he still had something of mine. "Do you have my lightsaber?"

He didn't answer anything verbally, but just went over to a footlocker and gathered my possessions. He offered me my cloak, which had the lightsaber wrapped in it.

Almost ignoring the lightsaber, I felt the garment for the necklace instead. It was much smaller and easier to lose than the weapon, which was why I got concerned when it wasn't there. I searched the pockets again, shook the cloak with the hope it would fall to the floor.

"What's wrong?"

"The necklace. Where's my necklace?!"

Although just a brief fraction of a second, the moment of silence that came after that was intense. When he finally realized what I was talking about, I could almost tell that he just forgot. "Oh, of course. Just a moment..."

As he turned to get it, I couldn't help but look over his shoulder as he went through a drawer full of junk. It almost seemed insulting to think that was how much care he took with something I valued so much. When I finally saw the chain amongst the other pieces of junk he likely kept in his pockets, I just grabbed it out myself.

"There; safe and sound." he said.

I held the necklace like an old friend safely in my hands and kissed the jewel that hung from the chain. It probably was a bit too overemotional of me to do, but I was just so glad to have it back.

He didn't know whether to smile or to be concerned. "I see that has great importance to you."

"It does." I whispered. "I care for this more than my lightsaber."

He nodded and moved aside, almost as if to leave us alone. "So does this mean you'll be leaving soon?"

I put the necklace in my pocket and clipped the lightsaber to my belt. As I got the cloak on, I realized that I had almost forgotten the reason I came to Nar Shadaa in the first place. "Wait... you said that if I helped you, that you'd tell me something that the Council was hiding from me."

He kept his back to me for a moment, but then turned around very cautiously. "Yuthura... you are under a significant amount of stress and what I have to tell you may be too much for you to handle. I would prefer that you..."

I quietly interrupted. "I did what you asked of me. You promised to tell me the truth."

"I did... but now is not the time."

As he spoke, I remained stoic. Aside from clenching my fists, I hid my anger as best I could. I couldn't explain why those words filled me with such outrage, but I wanted so much not to erupt into another fit of rage. As calmly as I could, I asked him why.

"You are angry and hurt... the last thing you need to hear is of more lies; more injustices."

Lies? Injustices? Had there been even more going on behind my back than I was lead to believe? I wouldn't be stalled any longer. "You said you would tell me after I had done what you demanded. I have done as you asked and now I want to know the truth!"

"Please... you are angry and hurt. I will deliver what I've promised, but when you have had a chance to calm your mind." He requested.

I grabbed him around the collar of his robe and held him against the wall. "I have just gone through the worst hell of my life! Tell me! I need to know what they've done!"

As I held him by the throat, I did not see the fear in his eyes that I expected from anyone else. He was a Jedi Master and could easily have stopped me, but he just remained calm. It was almost as though he trusted me enough not to raise his guard. He knew that if he showed no fear, I would not be so eager to attack him. Nothing else seemed to matter other than getting what I wanted, but I knew that I couldn't take it unless he gave it to me. I eventually relaxed my grip and let go of him.

After sighing in great despair, I stepped back and sat myself upon the bed. I had been in agony from the last few days and couldn't control my emotions anymore. As he approached me again, I raised my head to him. "This whole thing was just a ploy... wasn't it? To get me to do what you wanted. You have nothing to give me."

He shook his head. "That's not true." He held my shoulders in a comforting manner. "Yuthura... do whatever you must to heal from this. When Alfred believes you are ready, I will come to Coruscant and tell you everything you want to know. In the meantime, anything I say would only hurt you further. You should take refuge somewhere you know that you'll be safe. When you are ready, I will tell you everything you want to know."

"How do you think that makes me feel?! The only reason I came to Nar Shadaa was for what you promised. Do you think this is supposed to make things easier for me... when you break your promise as well?!"

He looked across the room and extended his arm towards a plasteel cylinder. Out of it came a saber staff which floated to his hand. "I'm going to want this back. Would my lightsaber be enough collateral to assure you of my intentions?" He held it up prominently and then placed it in my hand.

The lightsaber was a Jedi's most prized possession and for him to offer it gave his word some credit. I examined the well-crafted weapon and activated it, magnificent violet blades coming to life. After dying down again, I turned my attention back to him. "I accept."

He smiled back to me and then fetched my cloak. "I'm sorry that I put you through this, but I will inform the Council of what you've done. I think that this was a very fitting final trial for you. It takes great courage to stand against one's own fears and you should be proud of yourself."

-----

Zez Kae Ell escorted me back to my ship and watched as I got underway. Once I had been at hyperspace, I removed all my clothes so that I could get rid of that dancer outfit Fasa gave me. Once that was off, I finally looked like myself again. But even with all my clothes on, I felt as though I were still covered in filth. It was a filth that I wanted to wash away from my body as soon as I could find a shower.

When I sat back in the pilot's seat, I clipped my lightsaber at my belt and had been about to return my necklace where it belong when I suddenly felt the way I did when that shock collar had been around my neck. I thought that it was nothing, but as brought both ends of the chain closer together... my heart began to race and my breathing intensified. Even before I secured both ends together, I began to feel as though I were being strangled. The chain around my neck reminded me too much of that slaving collar that I had to remove it.

I stared at the necklace in my hand as I panted in relief from having taken it off. My most valued possession... had become an object of torment. Thinking of my necklace like a slaving collar left me with a sense that I couldn't explain, but it was a most unpleasant feeling. I had worn that necklace for nearly a decade, but to be too afraid to have it around my neck again... it


	28. Safe

In case anyone has already read this chapter, I've changed some of the content. I've increased the length by about 1300 words. If anyone doesn't want to reread the whole thing, most of the new content is at the end of the second segment. I didn't like the original version and felt I needed to extend the reason why Yuthura overcame her latest problem.

----------

Shortly after my arrival, I went directly to one of the lavatories to wash away the filth of Nar Shadaa. I didn't go to great efforts to inform anyone that I returned... I just wanted to be alone.

Sitting in the bath seemed soothing both to my flesh and to my mind... as if I could wash away the last three days. The truth was that no amount of water could make me feel clean. I knew I was at the mercy of that hutt and I got to a point where it became natural for me to follow his every order without question. I knew that I surrendered myself to Fasa because I knew I was trapped and had no means of escape.

As I looked back upon what I had done, I could not believe that I endured for so long without using my force abilities. I wish I could say that it was out of self restraint, but I know exactly what happened... it was instinct for me to not act. If I had been exposed as a jedi, that explosive within my shock collar would have enslaved not only my body, but my force abilities as well. I was more afraid of becoming his weapon than becoming his pleasure slave. The thought made me weep.

When my sobs began to echo off the walls, I heard a knock on the door. My mind was in so much chaos that I didn't notice anyone was there. After the second knock, I gave a reply. "Yes?"

"It's Alfred."

Without a second thought, I unlocked the door and pulled it open with the Force. Normally, I wouldn't allow anyone to see me in that state... not even Trevelyan. Alfred was the only exception to that. He's seen me weakened so many times that I was almost comfortable with it.

He rushed, glanced upon me in the tub, and then turned his head away.

The expression he displayed made me laugh. That was probably the first time he's ever seen me without clothes. Of course he didn't really see much, as the water came up to my shoulders. "You've never seen me before... have you?"

"I wish you had let me know..."

I chuckled again. "This is a lavatory. What else would you expect?"

"I heard you crying. I wanted to see if you were alright." He said, still facing the wall.

"You don't have to turn your head. It's alright."

He turned himself, just enough to get me in the corner of his eye. "Would you mind putting something on instead?"

I chuckled at how uncomfortable this must make him. He didn't seem to realize that I was the one who was exposed. I stood out of the water and wrapped a towel around myself. "Better?"

"A little." We both smiled at each other and sat down on a bench laying on the other side of the room. It seemed the kind of thing people did in difficult times, where just the companionship made a lot of difference. He had noticed the tattoos on my leg and stared at them for a moment, probably wondering just how many I had covering my body. "I felt great discord within you and wanted to know if I could help."

I sighed and dropped my head in despair; it wasn't like I needed to hide how I really felt. "You know what happened in the last few day?"

He nodded. "Zez Kae Ell contacted me shortly after you had infiltrated the Hutt's palace. He wasn't aware that you were acting on your own without the approval of the Council... or me. By that time... there was nothing to do except wait and hope you'd make it back." He sighed and leaned his head forward. "When you did, he said you were in terrible shape. I hoped he was exaggerating."

I stared at him, trying to display courage, but could only show fear. What Alfred said scared me... I didn't want him to worry. "It was just a terrible experience. I've been through worse."

"Do you want to tell me of it?"

I shook my head, almost too embarrassed to admit what happened to me. "No. I don't want to remember any of it."

"You've been through a lot in all those years on Sleheyron. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to go through that again."

I took a deep breath and just spoke the way it was. "Faso was nowhere near as cruel as Omeesh. The conditions there may even have been livable, yet I never had it so difficult before. I really don't want to talk about it."

He took hold of my hand and nestled it his palm. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. I think that..."

I stood up, almost losing my towel. "You don't know anything about it! I don't want to talk of it!"

He reluctantly nodded, fearing that I would strike him if he said another word.

I was ashamed of my outburst, knowing that he didn't deserve to be yelled at. I knew that he was just trying to help me, but I didn't wish to tell him any of what happened. "I'm sorry. It was a terrible place and I just want to forget it. I didn't mean to lash at you."

"It's alright. I just wanted you to know that if you needed anything..."

"I just want to be left alone."

He nodded. "Remember that you do have friends to turn to. Don't hesitate to ask help from them... they know you would do the same for them. A Jedi is never alone."

I almost saw the tears he blinked back as he spoke those words. I think he knew me enough to know what I was about to do. I was disgusted with myself and didn't want anyone to think any lower of me. As there had been no reason to share my story with everyone else, I would close myself off to the rest of the Galaxy.

After Alfred left me alone, I started sobbing again. When I trained to be a Jedi, I came to believe that I would never be controlled through fear again. I thought that I would never be coerced into acting against what I knew to be right. I knew there was no way to deny what I did. When I was on Nar Shadaa... I surrendered myself to Fasa. I allowed myself to become his slave, and I hated myself for it.

-----

For nearly a week, I isolated myself from everyone else. The Council had been informed by Zez Kae Ell that I suffered a traumatic experience and they've granted me medical leave. They'd even arranged for me see a councilor to help me with my psychological dilemma.

At first I played along with it, but I wasn't willing to share what happened on Nar Shadaa. Since she didn't know about what happened, she started asking me personal questions about slavery and my feelings. She clearly knew nothing of slavery and I wasn't inclined to tell her, so I stopped wasting her time after the third session.

Alfred tried to help me as well, but I didn't want to see him. As I fell into greater despair, I didn't want him to see just how far I had fallen. I knew he had my best interests at heart, but I didn't want him to know what I did in Fasa's palace. I didn't want anything other than to be alone. He probably knew that he couldn't help me through this, which was why he honored my request. Maybe it was because he assumed I was an adult, and that trying to help would have been even more demeaning for me.

Trevelyan was away on a mission, so I didn't have to worry about him hounding me to spill my guts to him. The others didn't seem to understand that I wanted solitude. When Master Zhar tried to get me out of my quarters through force, I threw him out with the Force. He didn't take too kindly to that, but understood that I wouldn't leave my quarters unless I chose to.

The few times that I did leave was either when I went to a local cantina, or when I had to restock my stash of black ale. Since I didn't have any duties, I preferred to shut everything out. While on Korriban, I only drank when I needed to. Now I couldn't seem to do anything else but down one bottle after another. I knew I was slowly killing myself, but it may have been because I didn't have the courage to do it more quickly.

When Trevelyan finally came back, five days later, he seemed to think that his presence was just what I needed... the self-centered bastard. He didn't know how to handle me... he knew nothing about why I suffered each day. What chance did he have at easing my pain?

"You've missed your last two counseling sessions. You've refused to leave this room other than to intoxicate yourself. You attacked Master Zhar. Everyone..." Trevelyan went on.

"I didn't attack him. When he tried to force me out, I threw him out instead." I sat cross-legged on the floor with my back to him.

"He was concerned about you... we all are. He was trying to help you."

"Maybe I don't want your help! What if I'm happy the way things are?"

He got on a knee in front of me. "But you're not. Something happened to you on Nar Shadaa. What was it?"

"You wouldn't understand. Don't ask me again... everyone's been badgering me with that question since I came back. Why can't you all just leave me alone?"

He cautiously placed his hands upon my shoulders. "If you told us... if you told me, then we wouldn't have to ask you again."

I brushed his hands off and stood up. "I don't want to talk about it! Can't you get that through your thick skull? And why do you 'have' to ask me, anyway?"

"Because I care for you. You're hurt. And I don't know why." After turning my back, he wrapped his arms around me. "I was hoping you'd trust me enough that I wouldn't have to ask."

Those words had some impact on me, but I couldn't tell how. I wasn't drunk, but I had been under the influence of alcohol. Maybe it was that which kept me from lashing out again. "I would trust you with my life, but I meant what I said. You wouldn't understand."

He rubbed his head against the back of my left lekku and whispered into my ear. "What would it take?"

"If you were a slave, you might know why you wouldn't want to talk about it." I pulled away and went towards my bedroom. "Please just leave me alone."

"You've been alone for almost a week. It's not helping." He spoke in a pleading tone.

I turned around and gave him a perverted smile. "When I was on Korriban, I used to roll around in bed with Uthar when I was depressed. If you want to cheer me up..." I used my head to gesture to the bedroom.

He looked at me as though I had given up on myself. Maybe under normal circumstances, he'd jump at the chance to climb into bed with me. Instead, he turned for the door. I laughed as he walked away, but it was only to try and make him think that I was beyond him. In truth, I was a pathetic excuse for a Sith or a Jedi just pretending to be great.

What was I trying to prove? Why was I shutting everyone out? I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't seem to understand why I was in so much discord. I've been a slave to one of the worst Hutts for seven years, but I've never been affected as greatly then as I was with Fasa.

It took some time, but I came to understand what it was about Trevelyan's words on trust that caught my attention. I trusted him with my life, and he saved it. Now, I was slipping away from all that. That time, it was not anger, but embarrassment dragging me down.

I laid myself on the bed and held the necklace over my head. The chain had been around my neck for eight years, yet it never reminded me of a shock collar before. Although I had looked at it differently while I was on Korriban, it wasn't that necklace which chained me down. In the end, it was my desire to break the chains which others have placed on innocent lives. It was that desire which enslaved me to the Sith.

I put it around my neck again, refusing to let fear stop me. The sickening feeling returned, I felt claustrophobic, and it got difficult to breathe again. I knew I wasn't putting on a shock collar and it wasn't going to hurt me, but the chain made me feel trapped.

My every urge was to remove it, but I valued the necklace too much. I would not allow my most important possession to become a thing I feared. As the minutes passed, it seemed more and more difficult to breath. When it became intolerable, I was desperate to get it off. I tried to pulled off the chain without detaching the clasp, but the titanium was too strong. Panic almost took over as I struggled to find and detach it. Once it fell from my neck, I gasped in relief.

After getting hold of myself, I picked it up and dangled it in front of me again. It was so important to me, yet it scared me...

Then the door chimed.

It took me a moment to get any words out. "Who is it?"

"It's Juhani."

I probably wouldn't have welcomed anyone other than Alfred or Trevelyan, but Juhani had saved my life. I still owed it to her and Nevski. I extended my arm and the door slid open. She cautiously walked in and I gave her a very pleasant smile. "Trevelyan sent you... didn't he?"

She nodded. "He's concerned about you."

"It seems like everyone's 'concerned' for me. Maybe they haven't considered that I just want to be left alone."

She stared at me for a moment, fearing what she was about to say. "I came because Revan told me about you... about why you fell to the darkside."

Trevelyan promised never to share what I had told him about my past. I felt betrayed that he did exactly that without my permission. "How much did he reveal?"

"He said that you were once a slave and that it was the trauma of your experiences which made it so hard for you to find peace. He thought you would be willing to speak with another who knows what you've gone through."

That caught me by surprise, I didn't even suspect that of Juhani. She did have something dark within her being, but I really didn't consider where that originated. "You... were enslaved?"

She nodded. "Only for a few months. I don't think I ever faced the hardships that you have, but even then... it was the worst experience of my life." Her sympathetic look turned to confusion. "Did you not know?"

I shook my head. "I suppose I never thought to ask."

"It's not something that I share with others. It's humiliating. Demeaning. Despite everything Revan, or even Quatra, my Master, knew... they never truly understand what it what it was like to be bound like a beast and treated as though you felt nothing."

I shook my head in objection. "That wasn't what Omeesh did. He wanted his slaves to feel his wrath. He didn't simply disregard their feelings... he enjoyed making them suffer and..." I started sniffling and my voice broke up. Normally, I wouldn't break into tears, but after a week of solitude... she seemed like the only one who knew the shame of being controlled through fear.

Juhani let me cry on her shoulder and comforted me as Trevelyan or Alfred would have. It didn't matter that we weren't close... she and I suffered the same way. "What happened on Nar Shadaa? What happened there that caused you to suffer so greatly?"

I couldn't give a direct answer. I pulled back to face her. "When you were a slave, were you coerced into acting against what you knew was right?"

"If you're asking if I was raped, then no. Cathar are not as prized for that purpose as Twi'leks."

I shook my head. "I didn't mean that. I meant... have you been so paralyzed with fear that you instinctively acted against everything that you knew was right? That you began thinking and acting as your master wanted?"

It took a moment for her to really think through what I said. When she dropped her head in shame, I knew that she felt as though her soul had been taken as well. "Yes. It made me feel like an animal. It was like I had lost a part of myself every time I... I knew that the Exchange was evil, but I was too afraid to fight back. I knew that I would rather die than live like that, but I was too much a coward. I acted against everything that mattered and I hated myself for it."

"On Sleheyron... that happened everyday. I was more fortunate than most, but I was so afraid of Omeesh that I surrendered to his every whim." I looked away from her. "It never crossed my mind that I could kill him until he... maimed someone I cared for deeply. It was only when I didn't think it could be worse that I finally stopped him." I blinked back tears and looked back to her. "When I started learning to use the Force, I promised myself that I would never be coerced through fear again."

She knew what I implied. "That happened on Nar Shadaa?"

"The slaving collar around my neck had a fail-safe that not even a Jedi could disarm... alive. I was genuinely trapped and even the Force couldn't help me. From that point, I wasn't acting for my mission... I was acting out of fear for my life."

She got in front of me again and tried to assure me that I was alive and well. "But you did free yourself. You didn't let yourself be exposed and you did exactly what you set out for."

"For five days, I did everything that Hutt commanded!" I screamed in embarrassment. "Do you remember the nurse that almost died because I couldn't control my defensive instincts?" I grabbed her collar and confessed. "It wasn't self-restraint that kept me from doing that... I was too scared to do anything else!"

I slowly released her and turned around, curling myself into a ball and weeping in shame. Although Juhani knew what it was like, I still didn't like admitting what I did. She hovered over me and rubbed my shoulders. "There is no greater enemy than one's own fears. It takes a brave woman to face them. That's exactly what you did."

I pulled my head up. "Haven't you been listening? I didn't act until I was too desperate to keep going. If I didn't figure a way out when I did... I would not have survived."

"What would you have done if it was not for your fear? If you weren't afraid, would you have been able to control yourself or would you have just had another incident like what happened in the infirmary?"

That didn't give me any comfort. Although she was right, I hated thinking that it was fear that saved my life again. It was my greatest enemy, but it was also my greatest ally on many occasions. I stared at her with doubt, but couldn't object to what she concluded.

"Is that what has been causing you such discord? That you were coerced through fear?" She asked.

I inhaled deeply, blinking back as many tears as I could. "I thought I was beyond that. It seemed that with the Force, I could never be enslaved again. What happened on Nar Shadaa... It was like a slap in the face. It made me realize that there was nothing to keep it from happening again. As powerful as I was... and still there was nothing to keep it from happening again."

She paused for a moment before asking, "Does Revan know?"

"No, and I want you to keep it that way. I don't want anyone else to know."

"He's concerned for you and I think he would understand what happened."

I shook my head in protest. "No. I shouldn't have even told you about it. I don't want anyone to know about this."

"If you're afraid that this'll affect other's opinions of you... it won't." She smiled in encouragement. "Revan taught me that there is no weakness in being afraid. He says the strongest people... the ones with the most courage are the ones who face their fears the most often."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. He gets his mind erased and suddenly the Dark Lord is considered a credit to the Order while those of us who'd had to face our demons on our own get the most criticism. It's as though Omeesh left an impression on me that I would never be free of. Like I will never be able to reach my true potential."

She gave me a peculiar expression, a mix of being puzzled and maybe respect. "That's the same way I thought of myself. I had always felt inferior to Jedi like Bastila, Master Vandar, and Master Zhar. Revan, he didn't measure himself to their standards. He... actually said that the future of the Order is not in their hands. He had often told me that the ones who've seen the cruelties of the galaxy, people like us, become the greatest of Jedi."

I stared at her for a long moment, wondering if she were just telling me something just to make me feel better. "Do you believe that?"

"It wasn't until... much after our mission that I thought I understood."

"Thought you understood?"

"If I hadn't fallen, I wouldn't have attacked him. If he hadn't saved me, I wouldn't have volunteered to help him find the Star Forge. Now that I look back, I believe that I'd become a better guardian because of it."

She sounded as though there were more to say. "You don't sound too sure of that. I think that makes sense."

"Well there's more to it than that. After our mission was over, Bastila had fallen..." She turned her head away, as if to avoid telling me her opinion. "...and there was you."

I almost naturally became defensive. "What about me?"

Still not looking at me, she appeared tense. It seemed like she had a secret and wasn't sure if she wanted to tell me. "When I learned that Alex Trevelyan had been Revan, I felt I had no doubt I would fall to the dark side again. I had always respected Revan, even when he had become the Dark Lord, even more so when I learned what happened. But there was something about being mind-wiped that I couldn't quite accept."

I sighed and told her the sad truth. "The Dark Lord didn't change. Darth Revan died and Alex Trevelyan, a completely different person, came to be."

She finally turned her eyes upon me and nodded. "I never told him this, but I felt it was unfair that he could say anyone could be redeemed because of him. 'I was the Dark Lord.' It's easy for him to say that. I don't think that Alex Trevelyan would've been able to resist the dark side so easily if he knew what it was like to be a slave."

"Maybe, but that still doesn't change the fact; he is a far greater Jedi than Revan was a Sith."

"That may be, but it's not him who I think of anymore when I need to resist the dark side." She waited for me to raise my head again. I almost couldn't believe what she was getting at, but it was most gratifying to hear. "Revan knew that you would never truly find peace; that you would always be treated as an outcast to the others. He considers you as much a Jedi as any of them... we all do."

"We?"

"Sorry, I meant the crew of the Ebon Hawk. Master Bindo, Bastila, we all recognize how difficult it must have been for you to come back. And I do believe that you're stronger because of it." She told me.

I had some trouble believing that. I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn't bring myself to leave my quarters. I suppose that after getting a sense of security, learning that the Force couldn't always protect me really slapped me in the face.

It was strange to imagine how I could still be afraid. Being a Jedi still meant that I could defend myself against any slaver, but it just didn't seem to mean as much as before. When I became a Jedi, I seriously had been convinced I would never be enslaved again. Going back out there with the knowledge that it could happen again... suddenly I didn't feel as secure as before.

Still I could never forget that there were so many others who were unable to fight back. Whatever fear I had of what might happen to myself didn't compare to that of the billions who had their lives stolen from them. It was then that I realized I couldn't let my fears get the better of me. If I were afraid to act, then the slavers had won.

I vowed never to be coerced through fear again... I was determined not to break that vow.

-----

After I told Alfred and Trevelyan what had transpired, a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed that I was not traumatized so much by the experience on Nar Shadaa as I was in revealing that I was a coward. I valued their respect so much that I feared losing it. Once they knew everything, that fear was gone. It didn't make everything as it was before the whole thing began, but it was a start.

Like with Juhani, I displayed some very potent emotions and they both seemed more patient than I deserved. When the truth was out, it gave me much relief. Trevelyan feared that I had killed someone... it relieved him to hear that it was 'nothing more' than that I acted out of fear. It was easy for him to say that because he had never been through it, himself; but I was alright with it.

Alfred said that the High Council had promoted me to Jedi Knight and offered me a formal ceremony if I requested it. Although I turned down the offer, Trevelyan thought I should have one for such a significant event. He thought I was being antisocial, but I was still shaken by Nar Shadaa. Although I was in a better condition than before, I really needed more time.

In the end, I decided to have the ritual. It was supposed to be something special, but I knew it was just a ceremonial tradition. Despite being void of meaning to me, it probably would have meant a lot for Alfred. Trevelyan told me that I needed to make the arrangements with Master Vrook and he would also have a celebration for me afterward.

When I went to see Vrook in his office, Kavar was with him. Although they seemed glad to know I was ready to return to duty, they gave me an answer I didn't expect. "We can't postpone the date for your knighting for very long. In two days, you're going to be dispatched to the front lines."

"Front lines?" I asked.

"Yes. Sith forces have launched an attack on two systems. Republic forces are stretched thin in that sector and will require our aid."

"I thought the Sith were defeated. What happened?"

"The majority of the Sith's war effort was destroyed with the Star Forge, but there are still remnant forces that are sustaining the conflict. Although defeat is inevitable, they are likely to fight until the last man. We'll need your expertise for one of the battles." Kavar explained.

That seemed to sour the promotion that I thought I earned. "Your policy is to not dispatch padawans into a war zone. I see that you've pushed me up to Jedi Knight to use me. Should I be thanking you?"

"You've earned the rank of Jedi Knight. We usually give a padawan a final trial before they are promoted... you seem to have done it on your own. By facing one of your greatest fears and overcoming it, you had proven yourself to be a true Jedi... officially and unofficially." Kavar said.

I've yearned to hear the Council say those words, but I never thought I would be so uncomfortable knowing why they said them to me. I felt that my final trial was a failure, yet I couldn't deny that my mission was a success. It was apparent from my expression that I was not at ease.

"Is there something else troubling you?" Vrook asked.

"Yes. I've been going over something about my time on Nar Shadaa. I've come to realize that I haven't overcome my feelings towards slavery. I thought that facing it would have calmed my fear... I think it's gotten worse."

"What do you mean?" Vrook asked.

I thought about telling them what happened as well, but I just didn't trust them enough to reveal that I almost surrendered myself to the Hutt. "Never mind. I may just need some more time."

"Unfortunately, you are going to have to prep yourself quickly. If you wish to have a knighting ceremony, it will have to be held either tonight or tomorrow night. On the third day, you and several others will be dispatched to assist the Republic's forces under siege from the Sith. We are going to need you battle-ready by then." Master Vrook stated.

"Could you tell me more about this invasion? What should I expect?"

Kavar stood up. "We'll have a mission briefing tomorrow for you and all the others who will participate in the defense."

"The reason we called you here is to know if you wish us to hold a knighting ceremony for you. If so, we must know when to hold it." Master Vrook said.

I smiled in anticipation. "Tomorrow evening sounds great."

"Very well. It will be held in the Council Chamber at 18:00 hours tomorrow. You may bring your Master to the ceremony as well."

"May I bring one other as well?"

"Of course. Just realize that knighting is a private ritual among only those closest to you." Vrook stated.

"Thank-you." I bowed and left Vrook's office.

-----

A significant number of events had taken place over the rest of the day. Although my knighting was a significant thing to me, I was still greatly concerned about the information the Zez Kae Ell promised. He said he would be back for his lightsaber when I have healed, but that might mean waiting until after I got back from the front lines. That was something that I wanted to know as soon as possible.

On top of that was the upcoming assignment that I didn't think I was prepared for. Although I was feeling much better about myself since Nar Shadaa, I was still not fully recuperated. I didn't think I was psychologically prepared to enter a war zone, but I did have a few days to prepare myself before I would be expected to fight.

After I had spoken to the Council, I met up with Trevelyan again. "The Council said that the Sith have launched an assault on two Republic worlds. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes. I'm to lead the defense of the forces on Bacurra." He said.

"You?" I chuckled. "You're not even a master, yet. Why would they give you command over an entire planet's forces?"

"Because I'm Revan. I'm the genius that saved the Republic from destruction by the Mandalorians. Remember?"

"You're Alex Trevelyan. You've never lead a platoon of troops into battle before... at least not for real. Now they make you a general?"

He smiled and shook his head. "It's in title only. Master Vandar will be watching over my shoulder to ensure that I do everything properly. I'm there to raise the morale of the forces on Bacurra. If they think I'm the great mastermind that I once was, then it should do much for them."

"Are you saying that you don't think you're as capable as Revan was?" I asked.

He stared at me for a long moment, going over something in his mind. "I don't know. When I confronted Malak, he said that I was stronger than I ever was as the Dark Lord. I may still have his potential, but I don't have his experience. I really don't believe I could've organized the Republic or lead the Sith if I tried. I suppose that's why Vandar will be there."

I nodded in agreement. "So... will we be fighting side by side?"

He gave me a very serious look. "No."

That was not the answer I expected. "Oh... I was hoping that I'd have an opportunity to save your life for a change."

"I hope not. If you were to come with me to Bacurra, then you'd be under my command." He looked at me with discomfort. "Let's just say that it'd be best to separate our personal feelings from our duty."

"Trevelyan, I owe you my life. I don't like having that on my mind if you insist that I never be allowed to protect yours when it's in jeopardy."

"Do you understand why that can't happen? If a mission depended on sending you into harm's way... I'd prefer to avoid that. As much as I would want you to come with me, I can't afford to have my personal feelings get in the way... neither can you."

It saddened me to hear such a harsh truth. "Are you telling me that...?" I couldn't complete the question. "No. That is what must be done."

He shook his head excessively. "Don't take this the wrong way. It's because I love you that I can't have your life in my hands, as well as many others." He held me around the waist. "Do you understand why?"

I smiled and rested my arms upon his shoulders. "Right, you'd probably sacrifice a hundred men for me. Can't have that happening."

He placed his forehead against mine. "I've been known to do more crazy things." We were about to kiss, but had to break away when someone else came down the hallway. After he turned the corner, Trevelyan started on another subject. "Enough of that... are you going to have a knighting ceremony?"

I smiled. "Yes. Tomorrow evening at 18:00 hours."

"Then I'll arrange a celebration for you after that. Everyone who wants to congratulate you? Or do you want to keep it small?" He asked.

"No need for any of that. Would you just be there during the ceremony, instead? I would be honored to have you and Alfred with me when that happens."

"Of course. Then after that..."

I smiled in anticipation. "We'll see." Then I gave him a very serious look. The last time I spoke to him, I was very inconsiderate of him. "What I said to you earlier... I'm sorry about that. I wish I could say I was under the influence of alcohol, but I wasn't."

"I... meant to ask about it. When did you start drinking?"

"Shortly after I became a Sith. With all the chaos around, I needed a way to escape. I'm not dependent on it, but it's a way to escape reality for a while." I paced around for a moment before realizing that I've never seen him drink. "Have you ever gotten drunk before?"

He gave me an embarrassed smirk. "I don't drink intoxicants. They don't make one's problems go away... they just postpone the inevitable."

I couldn't restrain myself... I started giggling like a little girl. "You don't eat savory foods, you don't drink, you haven't had sex until you were... 32?"

He looked at me as if I were humiliating him. "31."

I kept laughing. "How do you interact with others when you're so reserved?"

He kept looking at me with no expression, but then made a joke out of it. "Do you think the Council would know anything about that kind of thing? They gave me my memories... remember?" That kept the laughter alive for a while longer.


	29. Respect

I had forgotten to set my clock last night. I was alerted by Master Vrook ordering me to the war room at 8:00, almost exactly when the mission briefing started. I rushed to dress myself and dashed through the halls. I skipped the elevator and jumped three levels through the main atrium to save time. When I finally made it, I was ten minutes late.

I tried to sneak in quietly, but when Vrook saw me, he stopped the briefing so he could ridicule me. "Everyone! I'd like you to welcome our newest Jedi knight... walking in ten minutes late!"

With everyone's eyes on me, I just took the closest empty seat I could find.

"After the briefing is over, everyone here will be disciplined in a manner your squad leader sees fit." Vrook stated.

Just as quickly as I sat down, I erupted from my seat. "Hold on. What are you doing? Everyone else reported here on time. I'm the only one who should suffer the consequences."

Vrook strolled across the room as if about to make a lecture. "What if their lives depended on you being here on time? Would you, alone pay the price?"

"If their lives were at stake, I wouldn't have been so reckless."

That frustrated Vrook and he trotted across the room to stand right in front of me. Before he could start shouting, Master Kavar broke it up. "This can wait for another time. We have to get back to the briefing."

Vrook gave me a look that displayed his disappointment. He wanted to slap me down, but couldn't without losing face in front of the others. "We'll discuss this later." He turned back to the front of the room and gestured for Kavar to continue the briefing.

"Our purpose is not so much to participate in the coming battles, but to have Jedi fighting alongside the Republic troops should boost their spirits. They've suffered terrible loses and their morale is particularly low. We should assist them in any way we can."

One of the other Jedi spoke up. "Are we expected to lead troops when battle comes?"

"We will. You should also be prepared to tend to wounded, repairs, and anything else we can to assist." Kavar answered. "You've each been assigned to one of three task forces. You will continue the briefing with your assigned group leader."

Vrook stepped forward. "Those under my command will follow me to training room 2. That includes you, Ban."

I sighed in frustration. It seemed things were going to be even worse, now that I had to report to Vrook. I could work with anyone who was reasonable enough to follow. With this latest confrontation with him, Vrook would only make this harder than it had to be.

-----

After following Vrook to training room 2, he came up with a suitable disciplinary measure for the group. The room was set up as an obstacle course, so he had everyone run through it without using the Force. He also made sure to remind everyone as to who was responsible for making them run through it. "The consequences of one affects the group." He said.

I was angry because he turned the others against me. I didn't know any in my group except for Beleya, and she already had issues with me. That made her look at me with even more scorn than usual. I even offered to run the course five times for the others, but Vrook wanted to ensure that they suffered for my mistake.

The run took almost ten minutes; I was not quite as fit as I thought. Second last and out of breath when it I crossed the finish line, I was ready for another battle when we were done. Vrook had been standing around all that time and I thought it was quite unfair for him to not take the punishment as well. The leader was still part of the group... unless I missed something. I didn't say anything when we started, but it was only because I wanted to make him look bad.

"Alright. We can proceed now." Vrook gestured the others to follow him so he could finish with his briefing.

"Where are you going?" I asked Vrook, refusing to follow.

"What?" He turned around.

I gestured to the obstacle course. "You haven't gone through, yourself... master. So why don't you begin now?"

He slowly walked towards me as if to laugh at my insubordination, but kept silent. He had that look in his eyes which came when he intended to intimidate someone with his 'superior wisdom.' "Haven't you learned anything from this?"

"My actions impact both myself and... ALL those in my group."

"Then what are you doing?"

I got in Vrook's face. "I'm waiting for you to run through the obstacle course, so get going." I ordered.

"Very well. Your defiance has earned you and your group another run through." Vrook answered.

I crossed my arms. "Are you claiming that you are not a part of this group? If you are not willing to go through the course, then why should we?"

"I am your commanding officer for the upcoming mission and I'm ordering you to desist with this... defiance immediately!" He shouted.

I pointed my index finger at him. "You know nothing of being a leader. It's a good thing that Revan took command during the Mandalorian Wars because you suck at it!" Then I turned around and tramped out of the room with no hesitation. I knew that by saying such a thing, Vrook wouldn't take it seriously unless I left him one Jedi short. Sometimes, words can't make the point unless they're backed by action. I only hoped that it might have inspired some of the others to join me, but no one did.

*****

At the time I said it, my defiance towards Vrook seemed so right. It felt so good to turn my back on Vrook for such a minor reason, but it was not done out of anger... well not because I was angry. It was because someone had to tell Vrook that he was wrong and I was not afraid to do it.

As I looked back on my defiance, I soon realized that I just threw away my promotion to Jedi knight for a second time. All because Vrook refused to run an obstacle course? As strange as it seemed, I would have regretted letting it pass. Was it worth it? Since it didn't amount to anything... no.

A leader had to lead by example. If Vrook was going to punish everyone for the act of one... that meant EVERYONE. If he were too weak or too arrogant to follow though with his own punishment, then he was no better than a Hutt. If he were a Jedi, he would have been the first to run the course. Instead, he set a bad example for all Jedi. His arrogance showed that the Council was above their own rules... again.

As I looked down from one of the balconies in the main atrium, I knew things would have been so much easier if I just yielded to people like Vrook and Atris, but I couldn't abide by what they stood for. The Council was weak and all the other Jedi would have followed their orders while the Mandalorians razed the Republic. Admirable as their loyalty may have been... it was no reason for good people to sacrifice themselves on the order of ignorant tyrants, such as the Council.

I staring down for several minutes before Alfred arrived and took a place next to me. After a moment of sharing the view, I made the first statement. "I thought you had a class to teach."

"Vrook contacted me."

I scoffed at the thought of what Vrook must have said. "Are you going to ask my side of events, or do you trust him implicitly? Everyone else seems to."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think he would lie..." Then he looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "...but I'm sure he didn't speak the whole truth."

I nodded in concurrence. Alfred had a way of telling the truth to suite opposite sides fairly. "What did he say?"

"He claims that you openly defied him and were disrespectful of rank."

I nodded in agreement. "I arrived at a briefing late and Vrook disciplined everyone in the briefing room for what I did."

"That's not uncommon. It's supposed to teach individuals of teamwork. If a scout were to sneak past a patrol and locate an enemy force, everyone pays the price."

"Vrook did not follow through with it, himself. He made us run through a training course without the Force and he just stood there and watched." I looked directly at Alfred. "He was every much a part of the group as we were, but he thought he didn't have to suffer the consequences as well. When I insisted that he run through the course, he ordered that everyone go through it again."

He shook his head in disappointment.

"This wasn't about what just happened in the training room. I don't give a **** about that. It was about a Council member believing he was above the other Jedi. I wanted Vrook to realize that he was defying the very foundation upon which his leadership was built. If he thinks that he was above the rest, then he has been corrupted by his authority and must be removed."

He released an outburst. "By whom?!"

That startled me. "By their followers. We must be the ones to tell the Council when they are wrong and make them accept that they represent the Order... not themselves. The Order must also realize that the Council does not have supreme power over them." I sighed and hesitated to say one last thing. "The reason why they opposed Revan was because he was a threat to their authority. It happened well before the end of the Mandalorian wars that he was declared a traitor."

"That's enough!" He shouted.

Suddenly, I felt a terrible fear. I had hoped that Alfred would understand my reasons, but even he was implicitly loyal to a corrupt Council. It was almost as if I could no longer trust him anymore. The thought seemed to leave a terrible void where there was once great trust.

I tried to calm his anger and assure him that I had good reason for my actions. "I'm not trying to be a nuisance. I'm genuinely concerned about the future of the Order. The Council... the ones who lead the Jedi must hold themselves to a higher standard than the others. Doesn't that matter to you?"

He held my shoulders and put his face centimeters away from mine. "Of course it does, but you matter more to me. I know that you're doing what you believe is right, but it's creating a rift between you and the others. You alone can't change the system. All you can do is try to be the best Jedi you can. That's all that I want you to do." He took my hands into his own. "Please go back to Master Vrook and apologize for what you did. It doesn't have to be genuine, but make it sound sincere. Then follow his lead and don't question him again. If you can reason with him, that would be even better, but please don't throw away your future over this."

It was terrible to hear him ask that of me, but I knew what I had to do. My cause was just, but I didn't have the influence to challenge the Council. To the others, I was just a fallen Sith trying to make amends for my past. If I kept getting in the Council's way, they would not allow me to stay within the Order... even with Revan's support.

I gave Alfred a very grim expression and nodded. "I'll do it for you."

Alfred extended his hand to hold me under the chin, but flinched when he realized that I wasn't a little girl anymore. At the same moment, he stepped back and placed his hands back on the balcony railing. "It must have been almost a decade ago. I remember seeing you for the first time and thinking I could see your whole life ahead of you."

I remembered that day vividly. It was a critical point in my life that could have turned out very differently. His words made me think back to that day and consider all the other times when my life could have turned out differently. After stowing away on that freighter, I might have been discovered only a few minutes later than I was. Being left on another world might have meant my death. Not being discovered might have lead me to a port on Nar Shadaa. Of everything that might have happened on that day, my life could have turned out very differently.

When I rested myself upon the railing next to him, I wondered what he saw in my future before he even knew my name. "Am I anything like you had imagined then?"

He looked at me for a long moment, probably scanning the tattoos across my face. I knew that he had been thinking more about who I was than my physical features, but his sight seemed drawn more to those tattoos than my eyes. I knew that I wasn't at all what he probably expected, but I was surprised at his answer. No words; just a subtle sway of his head.

I sighed quietly and turned my head back to the atrium floor. "There was no failure on your part. I chose my own fate."

He shook his head again. "No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I actually thought that saving you was all that mattered. I saw you living a normal life, free from the horrors of Sleheyron."

"You didn't think I would become a Jedi?"

"I thought you'd been through enough. If you hadn't wanted it, I wouldn't have encouraged you to take that path. But since you had nowhere else to go, I suppose that it was best for you. When you left five years ago, there were times I wished that I had not found you... your return made all the difference to me. I would never have imagined how much that little girl would change my life." He finally lifted his head again to look me in the eye. "I still have reservations, but I can confidently say that you deserve the title of Jedi knight."

I knew that I still had rough edges. My latest conflict with Vrook spoke for itself. I understood what Alfred really wanted to hear from me. "I'm aware that more will be expected of me than before. I won't make the same mistakes as a knight that I would have as a padawan. And... I will go back and show Vrook the proper respect, apologize, and just agree with whatever he says."

He smiled very confidently at me. "Exactly. If you find it difficult, just remember that's probably what everyone else is thinking. Do what you think Revan would do and you'll be fine."

Again, easier said than done. But I knew Alfred deserved better than to have me act like a child all the time. I had not really expected that I would become a Jedi so soon after having been a Sith master only a few months ago, so I wasn't prepared for the responsibility yet. Over the last few months, I could misbehave every now and again; but it was because I was still considered a fallen Sith. Being a Jedi knight appealed to me at first, but only because I hadn't confronted the new standards I had to live by.

I knew at that time that I was not ready, but I didn't want to pass up the chance to advance in rank. At that point I either had to meet those standards, or I would fall back to padawan. Considering how much it meant to Alfred, I decided that it was time to become what I was meant to be.

*****

After that, I went back to training room 2 and waited for the briefing to end before confronting Vrook again. When the other four Jedi walked through the door, three looked at me with scorn. Beleya looked at me differently than before, but I didn't know what she had been thinking. Vrook had been packing some things into a briefcase when I entered.

He briefly glanced up, but just ignored me. It wasn't until I was right in front of him that he asked what I wanted. He didn't seem angry, but spoke at me with little regard.

"I wanted to apologize for what I said to you earlier. You were my superior and I stepped over the line." I said as pleasantly as possible.

He looked away and started walking to the entrance. "You're lying. You feel no remorse for what you did earlier."

"Then what do you want, 'Master' Vrook?"

He understood that I emphasized 'master' to show disrespect. "I want you to either act like a Jedi knight, or you won't be Order. There is no middle ground for you anymore now that you're a Jedi knight."

"Not yet... I'm still a padawan until tonight."

"That's a technicality. You knew that the light side was the more difficult path, but you chose to follow it. You have to respect your superiors if you wish to succeed here. The Council has tolerated a lot from you, but its patience has reached its end, now that you're a knight. If you don't respect the chain of command, you won't make it here." Vrook declared.

"Master Kolchak taught me that it was important for me to stand for what I believed to be right. Are you saying that the Council overrules the Jedi teachings?"

"Part of the Jedi teachings involves respecting your superiors. You believed the dark side was the means to end slavery before you left us five years ago. If you had listened to your master, would you have fallen to the Sith?" He said in a sympathetic tone.

"I was wrong about that, but I don't think I'm wrong now."

"You think that Revan was right to wage war against the Republic? You think that the Council should have done it instead?" He asked.

I stood up to him. "Revan joined the Mandalorian Wars because you wouldn't. If we had followed the Council instead of Revan, the Republic would have been crushed. One in four Jedi followed him and you declared them traitors because they defied you... not because they became Sith! Have you ever considered that it was not Revan who was responsible for all that? Maybe it was because they believed you were wrong. Are you saying that all those Jedi should have trusted you more than their own good judgment?"

"You know nothing of war! What makes you think you know better than any of the Council?"

I sighed in frustration. "You're right. I don't."

He nodded as if to say 'good girl.' "Then maybe this assignment will give you some wisdom." He handed me a data pad. "Familiarize yourself with all the medical expertise and technical specs on the equipment from this pad. You'll be expected to help with a variety of tasks."

"What about tonight?"

"If you're willing to accept the responsibility, then we'll knight you then. If not..."

He tried to walk out, but I blocked the door. "Are you ever going to run through the obstacle course like everyone else?"

He turned around in frustration. "Why do you have to complain about such a trivial thing?"

"You made everyone suffer for something I did. Unless you think you're above the rest, you should go through it like everyone else. If you wouldn't hold yourself up to your own standards, then why should we?" I crossed my arms in defiance.

He looked at me as though intending to slap me down again, but instead determined that I may simply have been ignorant. After all those years of living as a Sith, I probably wasn't ever fully aware of how the Council and the Order operated with one another. "You speak of me and the Council as though we act for ourselves and the rest of the Order doesn't matter to us. That's not true. Padawans are expected to show the proper respect to their masters, especially in front of others. It's not because we're vile tyrants, but because we take responsibility for the actions of all who serve under us. When we send someone on a mission, they act as representatives to the entire Order and proxies to the Council."

I scoffed, but then became stoic again. He wasn't exactly shouting at me, so I didn't want to be provocative. "That doesn't exactly help your case. What you're saying is that you have supreme authority. What you decide, all must follow."

"We also take responsibility for the actions of all Jedi. Whether one acts on their own or were following our orders, we are the ones who answer for that Jedi's conduct. That is why we demand the proper respect and loyalty from all of you. The others trust our judgment because they know we will stand up for them when they are in trouble."

I never thought of it like that. The Sith operated in a similar way, but it only worked to the benefit of the superior. Uthar had often ridiculed me when I taught weak students, but those who excelled weren't a credit to me. I also didn't have to answer for my students' incompetence, which meant I didn't have to put my own life in danger if I didn't like the student.

I didn't ever really think about how differently the Sith and Jedi operated, but only because I assumed they had nothing in common. And despite Vrook's stupid 'all must suffer for the mistake of one' crap, it actually did serve some purpose for the good of everyone. I wouldn't have minded it, but it was only because the one administering the punishment set a bad example for the rest of us.

And despite what he just said, I felt we deserved more than words. "You're blowing this out of perspective. If you had just run through the drill along with the rest of us, I wouldn't have made such a big deal about it. It was because you separated yourself from the rest of us... veered away when it was convenient... that I spoke up."

He stared at me for a brief moment and then looked back. "If I did that, will it make you happy?"

"You probably wouldn't lose any respect if you did the drill, yourself." I answered honestly.

He shrugged his shoulders and removed his cloak, bundling it upon the briefcase, and went to the starting line. "After this, the matter is closed. Clear?"

I had no problem with that. In going through the drill, he proved me wrong. After that, he did earn some respect from me. It was really the first time that he'd ever listened to me and considered my opinion, which made me feel better about both myself and him. It wasn't like I'd turned a new leaf or anything, but I felt better about taking orders from him. Maybe this conflict turned out for the best.

* * *

Author's note: (This is something I'm going to add to each new chapter to explain elements I don't address in the story)

The conflict I wrote about with Vrook was actually inspired by my football coaches in high school. If one person went offside during certain drills, everyone had to do 10 pushups... except the coaches themselves. I didn't exactly appreciate the importance of the drill, as everyone shouldn't have to suffer for the mistake of one, but I really was irritated that the coaches didn't set an example by suffering the consequences along with the rest of the team. If they had, I would have been much more pleasant about the whole thing.

As I'm a bit older now, I realize that pushing ourselves was really better for everyone. Still I would have been more inspired to do it if I knew the coaches considered themselves a part of the team. This chapter was written to show what might have happened, and to show that Vrook may not have been the arrogant tyrant I've made him out to be in earlier chapters.


	30. Promotion

When I entered the Council Chamber, the room had been lit only by the flickering glare of lustrous torch light. The windows were not blinded, but the faint glow of the urban night sky gave the room an almost mystical atmosphere. There was just something about fire that could make a very generic place seem like a very holy location.

The Council stood in a circle around the center of the room, hooded and still. I had requested that Atris not be present for the ceremony; she probably was glad that she didn't have to attend.

For the ceremony, a padawan's master would ask an oath of the Jedi as a last official act. I'd been told that the oath was different for each individual. Unlike the Jedi code, which was universal for all within the Order, the oath was supposed to reflect everything that the master wanted for his student to learn... or something like that.

Although he had not seen my training to the end, my old master stood before me. Trevelyan also was present, but only at Alfred's request. I had originally intended only for Alfred to be there, as Trevelyan really was more of a friend than a mentor. This ceremony was meant for Alfred more than myself, considering everything he'd invested in me. I felt that having someone else along would only detract from that.

Master Vandar pulled back his hood and stood before me. "Please kneel, Padawan Yuthura."

I did as I was told and placed my lightsaber on the floor in front of me.

"The path of the Jedi is a difficult one. Despite the temptation of the dark side, it is appropriate that Yuthura Ban be known to all as a Jedi knight."

As he returned to his place in the circle, another stepped in front. "I, Master Zhar declare Yuthura Ban a Jedi knight."

"Through extreme courage and dedication, Yuthura has fought the darkness within herself and defeated it. I, Master Kavar, decree that she be promoted to the rank of Jedi knight."

"I, Lonna Vash, declare that Yuthura Ban be known as a Jedi Knight. May she do honor for the Order."

"I, Vrook Lamar, declare Yuthura Ban a Jedi knight. May she bear the privileges... and the responsibilities of that rank." He said, the last part emphasized.

Vandar gestured Alfred to step forward. Although he wore a faint smile throughout the ceremony, his joy had suddenly become very apparent. It probably was natural for him to do so, considering all those years he believed me lost. For me to return to the Jedi was significant, but to become one of them must have been as if his failure as my instructor had been rectified. His words; not mine.

I found it strange how Alfred could still feel guilt for actions that I took. He was a great master who simply had been given a difficult student, yet he still thought as though it was because of him that I fell to the Sith. Even after my return, he still hadn't been able to forgive himself for 'allowing me to fall.' Seeing him smile at me like that seemed to transcend all the conflict, all the sweat, and all the pain that came with taking me as a padawan. Seeing him smile was one of the most rewarding moments of my life. It probably was the first time that he really was proud of the person I had become. It was when he truly believed that he had done all he could for me.

After bowing my head to show the proper respect, he put his hand under my chin and gently brought my eyes to meet his. "We are ultimately responsible for the acts we commit. All that anyone else can do... whether it be a master, a king, a friend, an enemy... may influence our character. We are the ones who ultimately choose our fate." He kneeled before me. "Always act for what you know is right, even if it leads to your death. That is your oath."

For a long moment, we stared at each other. That was not the kind of thing I would have expected to leave his lips, but... it made sense. "I will."

He stepped back and gestured for Trevelyan to come before me. "An oath is only as strong as the trust of the person making it. I ask no oath from you. You have my trust and I know that you will do what's right."

Trevelyan stepped back and all the Masters took out their lightsabers, activating the radiant blades of light. I had not really thought about it before, but I was surprised at how many green blades there were. The only exceptions were Kavar's blue sabers, signifying his status as a guardian. Although more properly-termed a weapons master, it was considered only a more advanced rank of guardian. The sheer number of green blades surprised me at first, but only because I didn't really consider that the majority were councilors... and followed all traditions to the letter.

Silent and with ready sabers, they bowed to me and saluted with them. Alfred then activated the yellow blade of his weapon and knighted me with it. I was not one to having a lightsaber so close to my neck and almost instinctively drew away. Although I had been in no danger, it was not comfortable to have an intense beam of energy only a few centimeters above my shoulders.

He appeared saddened that I didn't seem to trust him enough that I couldn't hold still. After holding it over my right shoulder for an uncomfortably long moment, he held it over the left for the briefest instant to complete the ceremony before withdrawing it. After deactivating his blade, he gestured me to stand. "Rise, Yuthura Ban... a Jedi Knight."

That was one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn't hide the grin that came as he spoke those words. With my lightsaber in hand, I saluted with it.

Trevelyan started clapping for me, but realized that he wasn't supposed to. Before he could stop, Master Kavar joined him and eventually the entire chamber started echoing with applause. I must have blushed like a little girl, but only because I was so happy.

I remembered on that day in the tomb of Naga Sadow when I wondered whether I could ever go back to the Jedi. Never could I imagine that I would be standing before the High Council as one of them. Jedi knight... it didn't quite compare to a Sith master, but I felt that I had become much more than I ever was on Korriban. It was strange that I could feel more confident about myself as a servant than when I was second only to Uthar, but at least I was where I wanted to be. It was the first time in my life when I felt that I could finally heal the scars from Sleheyron, once and for all.

I knew that it had been nearly a decade since that horrible place, but I had never really recovered from the trauma that Omeesh had inflicted upon me. Standing there almost was like the first time in my life when I had proven to myself that he could no longer hurt me. I was a Jedi knight and I would no longer be afraid. It was the slavers' time to be afraid.

-----

After the ceremony was over, I expected that Trevelyan would take me up to his quarters and make the evening complete. When we reached them, I had been met with an unusual feeling of disappointment and flattery... a surprise party.

When the lights came alive, everyone started applauding. Not that I wasn't gratified, but I had expected some private time with Trevelyan. Considering that there were over a dozen people crammed into such a small living space, that wasn't likely to happen. I also didn't like the idea of squeezing myself in as well, but I had to remember that they had all gathered on account of me.

Trevelyan stepped in and gestured for everyone's attention to fall upon me. "I'd like everyone to welcome our newest Jedi knight!" It was followed by thunderous applause.

I grabbed him by the collar and pulled us back into the hallway. "I asked you not to have a celebration for me. What's with this?"

He gave me an 'innocent' expression. "This was more for them than anything else. I also thought you'd enjoy something like this for a change."

"Well, you're wrong. I was expecting that we'd get some... private time to ourselves."

He rested his forehead against mine. "We will, but I think waiting is what makes it worthwhile." He gestured to the door. "They're your friends and they want to congratulate you. You should try and enjoy the party."

I shook my head and stepped away. "I don't like parties. And I don't like being in tight, crowded places."

It took a moment for him to understand what I wanted. "What if were in a larger space? Would that be better?"

"A little."

He smiled. "Then I'll see if I can get everyone to the main atrium."

-----

With everyone spread across a wider area, I had been more willing to socialize. Being in tight places with a lot of people around seemed to remind me of... those days. Everyone I knew congratulated me while some wanted to discuss more serious matters.

I found Juhani and thanked her for helping me get over Nar Shadaa. It turned out that she also struggled with the dark side almost as much as I did. I could understand the anger that she held for losing her home world, her family, and then having to face her father's killer. She acted as though she were too weak for letting such a minor problem get her down all the time. I saw that it was nothing to gripe at, almost like she had a wound that was never allowed to heal.

"Did you have any friends on Cathar?" I asked.

"I was only a baby when the Mandalorians destroyed it. Since then, I've held very few. Even when I was among the Jedi, I mostly kept to myself. I used to think that it was because I just didn't want to, but it was really because I didn't really know how to reach out and maintain friendships."

I nodded. "On Sleheyron, I used to have many friends. We had nothing but ourselves, so we tried to watch out for each other whenever we could." It still hurt to talk about it, but I wasn't even close to tears. I had shed all my tears long ago. "I lived long enough to see them die and I came to understand it was in my best interest not to make new ones."

"I'm sorry."

I had been taking a sip from my glass, downing it instantly so I could speak. "The habit stayed with me. It wasn't until Trevelyan came along that I had been willing to open myself to others again. I'd forgotten what it was like to be able to trust in another."

She nodded. "Why do you still address him as 'Trevelyan?' I would've imagined you would be calling him Revan."

I had never thought about exactly why I called him by his alias name, but I understood why she would think to ask. I was a Sith and it would have made much more sense if I thought of my friend as the Dark Lord he once was. Who knows? Maybe even Uthar would have followed Revan if he knew who he really was. "From his point of view, he's been 'Trevelyan' all his life. Though his memories are false, they are real to him. He even has memories of his earliest years where even his mother addressed him by his last name. Forgetting all that would be difficult. Do you think you could stop thinking of yourself as 'Juhani' if you were told that your entire life was a lie and you found you had another name you don't know yourself by?"

"I suppose." she spoke as she brought her cup to take another sip of her tea.

I stared at her for a moment. "Do you still have trouble dealing with the dark side?"

She set her cup on the saucer in her opposite hand and slowly lowered her arms upon her thighs. What I asked appeared to be a very sensitive subject, from the way her mind wandered. "Sometimes. I don't know whether it's me or if it's the way the others regarded me after it happened."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've only fallen to it for a few days... I've let it control my destiny for almost five years."

That didn't give her much assurance. "It's always there. I find it hard to find peace because I've fallen once and came dangerously close to falling to it again." Letting out a breath of pent up emotion, she sighed and continued. "When I encountered the man who murdered my father, I tried to kill him."

When it seemed that she was about to tell a very distressing tale, I gestured that we move to a more secluded area. Although it would have been best to end the conversation there, I wanted to hear what she had to say. There was a small meditation chamber around with a great view of Coruscant and it probably would have been more comfortable for her not to have others around. It was then that I resumed from where she left off. "I didn't know your father had been killed. I thought you lost your family when Cathar was destroyed."

Juhani shook her head. "No. They had been there for... I don't know how many years we were on Taris. I had known that my father was killed, but I had believed it was by some bystander that he provoked in a bar." Her thoughts trailed off to another place, probably remembering the frightened little girl she once was. "Losing both my parents was devastating to me. It's something that affects me still."

"I know. It's easy for someone like Master Vrook to tell us to just suck it up and keep going, but he doesn't know what it's like to lose someone who you care about deeply. Even Jedi have the same feelings as anyone else and it's what separates us from them." I didn't exactly specify who 'them' was, but the word encompassed a very wide range of 'bad guys.'

A companionable silence fell between us. "I understand that, but there's a point when you have to let go. My parents are dead. Cathar is dead. There is nothing I can do to change that."

"What happened?" I asked.

After another moment's pause, she told me. "During our journey, a man confronted me and told me that he had... 'put one of my people down' on Taris. My Father."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want your pity." she retorted. Scoffing, Juhani shot her head up. "It's like everyone thinks I seek their commiseration. I'm only telling you all this because you asked to know."

I maintained a stern face, despite her retort. "I wasn't offering pity. I actually happen to know exactly what it's like. I've lost plenty of friends to the whim of a sadistic mind. It's something that you never really get over."

For a moment, she struggled to speak, maybe humbled by me. "No. I suppose not. But there was something about confronting that man which brought out the worst in me. When he started negotiating with Revan to purchase me... I almost felt like my life still was someone else's property. I kept saying I was not for sale, but the man kept saying that Cathar weren't people."

"How did you know he murdered your father?"

"He recognized me from Taris... described how he put down one of my people. Then said that he was going to have me, whether Revan allowed it or not." There was a raw edge to her words - scathing bitterness. "He delivered on his promise. He came back for me with some hired thugs. We fought, defeated them, and the Mandalorian suffered a mortal wound... but he wasn't dead."

"Did you kill him?" I asked.

Juhani shook her head as she stood up to look out the window. "He didn't have long, but Xor used his dying words to say it didn't matter I killed him. He said that he had killed off my species, not for honor; but for the pleasure of razing Cathar." Her tone became pained as she struggled to recall everything that happened. "He said that I could never take revenge because he had already won. Spoke of how my people were animals and how he hunted them down. He enjoyed doing it and showed no concern for any of the suffering he brought to me or my people..." She turned around to face me. "He even was hateful because he had been injured by one of my people who only was fighting back! I just wanted so much to kill him, even when he had been so close to the end. I couldn't stand hearing him speak any longer and I urged to snuff out his miserable life."

"But you didn't?" I spoke, more fact than a question.

"No, I didn't. I couldn't."

I actually sighed in relief. From the way her story was going, I had assumed it would end very badly. "You wouldn't allow yourself to fall. What you did was for the best."

She shook her head, ashamed. "You misunderstood. I meant I tried, but Revan restrained me. He held me back, pleading me to remain calm. I broke away." She stared at me with an expression I couldn't quite make out, but she was disturbed by what happened. "He did it himself." A long, silent moment passed. "He killed that bastard so that I couldn't."

I could barely believe what she had been telling me. The thought that Trevelyan murdered someone... it was not easy to hear. "How did that impact you?"

"I hated him for it!" She screamed. "He said it was for the best, but he cheated me!" Juhani turned away and tried to hide it from me, but she was in pain. She hid it well... I was surprised that she wasn't in tears. "My anger... it had caused such a mess for everyone. Revan wishes he hadn't killed Xor. Xor wishes that I had killed him. And I wish he had never lived."

She and I both stared at one another, pondering the irony of what happened. Whomever that Xor was, he seemed a creature of burden as Omeesh.

Juhani looked out the window again and sighed in defeat. "I guess that Xor won after all."

I took a position beside her and watched the steady flow of traffic outside, bright lights moving against the contrast of night. I extended my arm out towards her shoulder, but withdrew it when I realized that wasn't the right gesture for the moment. Still, I felt I had to say something to break the silence. "You never gave in to your anger. Although someone had to hold you back, you didn't fall."

She sighed and shook her head. "That's what I keep telling myself, but I still regret that I wasn't the one to kill him. I have this ache in my heart that I can't purge from myself. It was like he had committed the worst kind of crimes imaginable and escaped justice. I knew that killing him wouldn't bring my father back, but it would have given me some peace." When she saw me raise my head at those words, Juhani cut me off. "I know it's a terrible thing to say, but I wish I could have made him feel what his victims felt before the end. Since Revan killed him... it hurt our friendship. I know he did it to save me, but I haven't been able to forgive him for what he did."

I turned around and leaned my back against the window, having been hypnotized by the endless horizon of skyscrapers outside. Even something so beautiful as millions of lights defining an urban landscape got tiring. It was then that Juhani came to ask what happened with me and Omeesh.

I took a deep breath and shared a little more about myself. "I... despised Omeesh. At least that's what I think I felt when I was on Sleheyron. I and other Twi'leks are taught to believe it was our master's right to do with his property as he willed, but I never considered my friends as thoughtless objects to be thrown away. When I killed Omeesh, I wanted to make him suffer for what he did. You may think me a monster for saying it, but I'm glad that I killed him... I wouldn't have been satisfied to have anyone else do it."

"Then you understand how I feel?"

I shook my head gently, barely enough for her to read. "There's more to it than that. I'll never know how my life could have been different if I hadn't. I might never have fallen to the Sith. Please don't be angry at Trevelyan, he may have kept you from suffering my fate."

She looked at me as if I just lied to her. "You said you wouldn't have been satisfied to see another kill him. What was it?"

I almost felt like a master as I prepared to tell her about the origins of my hate. "Revenge wouldn't have made the pain go away. Trust me... I know."

"Don't tell me that you know! You just told me how much you savored killing your master." she snorted - putting her head centimeters away from mine. The lights from the city glinted in her eyes, closely resembling the glow of a Sith's. She seemed to bite back an angry retort for a calmer remonstration. "You don't know how I feel."

"That's correct, I don't. So why don't I tell you about what revenge does." After a moment, she backed away and let me speak. "When I was on Sleheyron, I despised Omeesh. When I saw an opportunity to get rid of him, it was the greatest moment of my life. I thoroughly enjoyed killing him and savoring my revenge. I told him that he would never hurt me or anyone again. And I was right, but it didn't end there... I soon wanted revenge on not just him, but every Hutt. When I was rescued by the Jedi, I came to hate all who practiced slavery. That hate may have been for a just cause, but it went beyond my own pain. I soon treated all the wrongs against other slaves as my own. After that, I began to hate the Jedi. I felt that they were trying to purge me of my anger, but I was more interested in dealing out punishment than in healing the scars that Omeesh left upon my soul."

When Juhani tried to speak, I gestured her to let me finish. I felt that she had to hear about all the grief I inflicted upon myself because of my anger and hate. Perhaps revenge would sound less appealing after knowing of everything that came with it.

Almost right where I left off, I continued. "I tried to kill my master for trying to protect me from myself. I hated him for not letting me make my own choices, that I never considered that he cared for me too much to let me throw my life away. After that, I turned to the Sith because they told me everything I wanted to hear. Before long, I hated them for what they represented. And then I hated myself. It took a long time for me to realize it, but I had become the very evil I wanted to destroy."

From her expression, I could tell that Juhani took what I had to say seriously. I wasn't quite sure if she were considering exactly what I said, or how long it took for me to say it all. Usually when someone made a long-winded speech, I wouldn't remember much beyond the most memorable part. It was rather odd, but I really didn't have to make such an elaborate lecture when I could have just spoken the outcome that I became what I sought to destroy. Whatever it was, I didn't want her to follow the path I chose for myself and ended with "Revan may have deprived you of revenge, but he may have saved you from all that would have followed. Do you still feel that you were cheated?"

She stared at me with an expression that seemed to speak volumes. I could tell that I said enough and felt that it was best to leave her to think about it. I slowly walked passed the younger Jedi and closed the door behind me. Once outside, I actually had been left with more on my mind than Juhani.

I actually lied to her... I still had no regrets for killing Omeesh. And there I was spouting off about a list of events that followed Sleheyron. I had never really considered that all my hatred for slavery was just anger that had been displaced from one dead Hutt to many live ones. Maybe all my hatred for slavery was just my way of seeking revenge against all Hutts.

That thought gave me no comfort, as I always thought it was my compassion for all slaves that drove me to bring change. It just seemed a goal so righteous and so valiant... was it all just a clever way of creating more demons for me to seek out and destroy? The thought was difficult to swallow, but after that long list of events I gave... it all began after I slit Omeesh's throat. I didn't believe it was lust for revenge which drove me, but I couldn't just disregard where my fall to the dark side began.

------

Author's comments:

This was originally much shorter, but in extending the conversation with Juhani, I decided that I had to cut short the chapter so I could start the next one afresh. I intended to make the knighting ceremony a bit more complex, but had been working on this and the next chapter at the same time. Let's just say that I got a bit bored with this chapter and wanted to get on with the story, even if the quality could be better. Remember that I have several chapters lined up already, but need time to revise them. It's a bit odd to consider how much longer it takes to modify an already-written draft than it is to write from scratch.

The next chapter is NOT going to be posted with this story, due to mature content. I will let readers know about the update and where I posted the chapter. Since the next chapter does not advance the story, I'm willing to leave it out. To those who are sensitive to such subjects, I advise you not to read that chapter.


	31. Truth

I humbly apologize for the rather long-delayed chapter 31. This chapter proceeds the events of one that I believed not appropriate for this story rating. Needless to say that Revan and Yuthura shared an exciting evening together, but it's far from over for Yuthura.

***

Later that night, Revan had a meeting with Master Kavar about military tactics they would need for the upcoming battles. Although he and I were interrupted at a bad moment, we at least had two hours to ourselves before he was called on through a comlink. Like the last time, Revan raced to get dressed. I looked as though I were disappointed, but secretly had been hoping for someone to drag Revan out of my bed. It was still fairly early in the evening to call it a night, so it gave me a chance to go back down to the party.

When he was finally dressed, I kissed him without warning. There I was, completely exposed, wrapping up against the poor soul. He would have wanted nothing more than to just ignore Kavar's orders, but he knew he couldn't. When I broke the kiss, his eyes were drawn to my breasts again. "As soon as you finish this business with Master Kavar, you return your ass here immediately. Clear?"

He brought his eyes back to mine after scanning my entire body one last time. "I don't think that would be... prudent. I don't want to arouse anyone's suspicions."

I chuckled at the remark. "Since when have you passed up the chance..."

Revan's tone was firmly without jocularity. "I'm serious. This whole thing... we each need to be free of distractions for at least the next few weeks. What he shared just now was special, but we should return our focus back to our duties. When we get back, then we can..."

I was not eager for a drawn out conversation, so I just ended it with the less subtle method. "General..." While speaking, I got behind Revan and turned him towards the door. "...you're needed. Get a move on it!" Then I slapped him on the ass to make my point.

He turned himself around and we each smiled at one another until the door automatically slid to a close between us. I supposed that was a good way to send him on his way, but his speech before that left me with a sense of insecurity. He did bring up the issue of prudence, which I suppose wasn't exercised when I allowed myself to fall in love in the first place. Love was always an emotion I sought to avoid, as it didn't belong to either a Sith or a Jedi. Yet there we were, both acting to reinforce what we felt for one another. For me, it felt good to share his company and to know that he loved me. And that was exactly the problem... I was a liability to him.

Then I shook my head and realized we could both manage our emotions if it came to that. It didn't mean we shouldn't be able to have some fun every now and again. That's all that the last two hours were about and nothing more. The party downstairs was still going strong and I intended to enjoy the last hour or so before it was closed down.

When I looked to find my clothes, I saw a bottle of Romulan ale under my bed. I knew I shouldn't, but I figured it was a special occasion. I poured myself one glass, but then another after I was fully dressed and out the door.

***

Shortly after I returned to the party, Padawan Senegal wanted to congratulate me. I didn't want to be bothered again, but I felt I needed to know why he seemed so interested in me. Was he just attracted? I could at least understand that. I noticed the way his eyes dilated, as any normal male adolescent would at the sight of a beautiful woman. If it were just an attraction, there probably was nothing wrong with that. If there were more going on... I wanted to know. I had found a private room somewhere where I could talk one on one with the boy. Although it might have been more appropriate to just ask to talk with him, I didn't want him to think I acknowledged his existence. I figured it would have been better for him to approach me. Luring him in wasn't difficult, as the Force could attract attention without anyone being aware of it.

I stood by the window with my drink, making it look as though I were just admiring the scenery of the Coruscant skyline. He probably had no idea I was expecting him, but the boy was quite nervous as he approached. When I could finally hear him with my ears, I turned around. "Oh... hello there."

"Congratulations, Jedi Yuthura." he delivered with a bow.

I bowed in return. "Thank-you, Padawan. How much longer until you expect to become a knight?"

"I've been trying to catch up in classroom training, but I still need to be apprenticed for another year or so before I can be knighted." The way he spoke was more request than statement.

He had already asked that question of me, but my mindset had changed since that time. Maybe it was because I never thought of myself as an instructor. Yeah I was second only to Master Uthar on Korriban, but suddenly that title didn't seem to command as much respect as I once believed. I had since felt more like a student again than an instructor. It never really crossed my mind that I would be promoted to a knight within a few months. I most certainly didn't plan for being an instructor at that point.

Although I had to admit teaching had a certain appeal, I didn't just want some random kid who first asked me to teach him. I needed to know more about that kid, but I didn't want to make my interest so transparent. "Ross... I'm hardly a suitable role model. What is it about me that stands out from other, more admirable instructors?"

"It would be an honor to study under one who faced the dark side directly and turned away from it of your own accord."

I sensed that he was not telling the whole truth. Although his words seemed genuine, he left much out of his explanation. "You could say that of anyone in the Order. How did you select me out from so many other potential masters? I wasn't even qualified to take a padawan until now."

"You were a few weeks ago. I was originally supposed to be assigned to you after you completed your trials a month ago. That was before... that accident."

What he meant was that incident where I put the good of the mission ahead of myself on Kuril. I was supposed to be promoted to a knight almost a month ago, but then almost killed someone after it was over. That was only at about that time when I first took notice of the kid. Except there was something which didn't make sense... I was never told about getting a padawan. I never feigned any interest before that time.

"You were assigned to me? I had never requested a padawan."

"You didn't. After Master Jassa had... died, Master Vrook believed me responsible for what happened. He put me at the bottom of the waiting list for getting a new instructor; told me I was lucky to get you. I mean... many others like me are lined up, but there are so few instructors left to take students..."

The kid wasn't answering my question, so I gestured him to be silent... no point in him jabbering on. Although he did give me another answer that did make sense. "Are you saying that you're just looking for any instructor who'll take you?" I scoffed and turned to the window again. "I suppose I should've seen that coming."

"No, no... I didn't mean it like that?" He went on before I cut him off again.

"How did you mean it then?"

Trying hard to avoid insulting me, Ross carefully selected his words. He really was nervous when it came to talking to me. "I mean... I'll take anyone who would be willing to help me finish my training, but I really would prefer you... if you would accept me."

Sighing in frustration, I just told him the truth. "I've not seriously considered training a student at this point, okay? I'm flattered that you would ask, but I suggest you look elsewhere."

"Is there nothing that would convince you reconsider? I mean... if you intend to instruct someone else, I'd understand..."

I sighed again, getting annoyed by his constant pursuit. I took another swig of my drink, as if it would give me instant gratification. It may have been something that I should've been flattered over, but it made me very uneasy to hear the same kid constantly asking me the same question. "If you want me to take you, I need more than that. Why are you really asking me?" I hissed in a more threatening manner. "Don't generalize and don't even think of lying to me."

That startled him more than I expected, probably to the point that it brought the truth out of him. "You remind me much of someone I admire greatly, Vincenza."

"Vincenza?"

He nodded, somewhat embarrassed that he spoke those words. "She has become something of a religious icon, but she was a real person. From centuries ago, she had a family; they were killed by the army of a warlord, Dominus, who sacked her village. After losing them, she'd vowed she would have her revenge on him... no matter how powerful he was."

That story began to sound all too familiar, yet it had my interest. "Go on."

He looked at me and I could tell that this Vincenza was significant to him. As he spoke, I saw his spirit change with the emotional tone of the story. "Dominus, the warlord was only one of several who rivaled each other for control of their world, but his empire was powerful. Vincenza, determined to avenge her family, managed to rally all the neighboring villages and towns into joining under one standard. Because of her, several nomadic tribes became united as one nation."

"What happened? Was he defeated?" I asked

He took a moment to answer, but eventually managed to nod. Then he managed to crack a small smile. "Dominus was. His empire crumbled. And Vincenza had her revenge."

I couldn't help but smile at hearing the end to an interesting, but very drab tale. Only it didn't sound like the kind of thing that seemed appropriate a description of me. That sounded more like Revan.

He continued. "They say that the war nearly destroyed her soul. People followed Vincenza's lead because they knew nothing mattered more to her than stopping Dominus." He shrugged his shoulders. "That wasn't much different from those who fought alongside her. They all had their reasons for fighting, but it seemed particularly important to her."

"Why?" I asked. "I mean... what made her different from the others?"

He looked deeply saddened, shaking his head before answering. "She had lost everything when her village was sacked. Revenge was all she had left at that point. And in spite of her obsession, they said there was a rational methodology to her madness... those who supported Vincenza said her determination was the most important reason Dominus was defeated. They said that Vincenza never cried... but she did after it was all over."

I nodded again, genuinely interested. "Why? What happened next?"

His sadness slowly turned to intense felicity. I could almost tell the next part of the tale had to be the climax. He didn't try to hide how high greatly his spirit soared at telling me what happened. "Vincenza had believed her entire family were killed... she found her eldest daughter, Anglu, had actually been taken as one of Dominus' personal servants. She found her daughter alive."

I had to admit the story kept getting better. I could almost imagine how Vincenza must have felt in that moment to be quite bittersweet. To find her daughter taken as a 'personal servant' of her most hated enemy had to be one of the most painful experiences a mother could have. At the same time, to find her daughter still lived... at least according to the tale. I wanted to know how much was story and what was genuine. "How close does this tale correspond to the actual history?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. This was about 500 years ago. Anglu probably wasn't taken by Dominus, but she was discovered shortly after his fortress was razed. No one knew of Anglu before that; not even she knew her own mother. And for her to find even one of her daughters alive... Vincenza said that she found Anglu, but that it was Anglu who saved her mother."

I was quite interested in the story, although saddened to hear Vincenza's tragic tale. Of course it sounded like there was more than just finding Anglu. "What happened after that?"

It was then that the hopeful and joyous emotion began to diminish. I could almost see tears behind his eyes, which left me... concerned. Although I would admit the tale sounded great and all, I couldn't help thinking he should have been embarrassed at being that emotional. He knew that story by heart... it should have come as no surprise, but he continued. "Anglu was psychologically traumatized after spending nearly a decade under the brutal heel of Dominus. Vincenza loved her daughter, but Anglu had been so badly abused... she had intended to hand over control of the army and live a normal life again, but Vincenza was called upon not long after that. Fearing Anglu would become a target to her enemies, she kept her daughter safely secluded from any who would do her harm." He sighed deeply and looked out the window as he finished the story. "Vincenza didn't want to continue fighting, but her people needed a leader then more than ever... to facilitate the revolution which followed. Their cause had spread all over the planet within a matter of years. After she returned from the war, Vincenza was devastated when she found Anglu had taken her own life while she was away."

I just kept staring at him. That last part of the story was really a tragic end to an otherwise hopeful tale. Part of me was mesmerized by the unfortunate realization it was based on a real person. Another part of me wondered just how much of the tale was fiction. And there was yet another part of me that didn't really care whether it was. "What happened to Vincenza after that?"

He took a deep breath. "She could heal an entire civilization, but she couldn't heal the pain within her heart. She disbanded her army and made all the preparations so they could maintain the peace after she was gone. Although she had done terrible acts during her campaigns, Vincenza said that nothing was worse than what happened to Anglu. She said that Dominus may have taken her family, but it was her who let Anglu die."

The last part of the tale seemed pretty self-explanatory. I probably would have done the same thing if I were in Vincenza's place. Still the tale was very gripping, if a bit hard to understand. After taking a long moment to let it sink in, silence was how I could best show my respect to him for the story.

When he turned around, Ross looked at me as though he asked a question and expected an answer from me.

It was an impressive story, but I didn't quite understand why he told it to me. "I'm sorry... you said that I was like this Vincenza? I really don't see the resemblance."

"I know. I wasn't even going to tell you, but you said you wanted to know. That's the reason why."

I had taken another sip from my glass, only enough to wet my mouth, and set it on the window sill before asking my next question. "I guess I'm flattered, but why do I remind of you of this woman?"

"Believe me, I wasn't enthused about being assigned to you a month ago. At first I was relieved to hear that you had... attacked someone and your promotion fell through. Eventually I came to learn you were once a Jedi before going to the Sith and that Master Kolchak knew you. He said you two hadn't spoken in years, but he told me more about you that wasn't common knowledge."

"A twi'lek. A freed slave. I can't imagine that came as a surprise to you."

He gently shook his head. "No, it didn't. That wasn't what he spoke to me about. He told me about how you couldn't find peace because you wanted to end slavery altogether. He told me that it was... your passion. That you didn't want anyone else to go through what you had."

"No, I didn't. I hated slavery. I hated my Hutt master. I hated what he did to me, but I hated him more for..." My mind drifted back to one of the most painful moments of my life. It haunted me still, but I was not willing to say it. "...I hated him for what he did to my friends. But what I hated most was that he enjoyed it." I could feel tears building up behind my eyes, so I just ended it there.

"That was Vincenza. When Dominus sacked her village, she knew that he didn't distinguish her family any differently from his other victims. She held onto that hatred and it drove her to seek revenge. Instead, she found Anglu. All she would have wanted was to live in peace, but the pain in her heart drove Vincenza to keep fighting. In her struggle to protect others, she forgot to protect what mattered most to her." He sighed and turned around to look out the window again. Probably he felt embarrassed to be telling me all that. "I don't mean to offend you with any of this. You asked why I wanted to study under you... I don't mean to imply I understand you, or that..." He groaned with disgust. "I'm sorry, I know it sounds stupid..."

He was dead serious about what he told me. He genuinely wanted me to teach him... it was probably the reason why I gently placed my hand under his chin and pulled his head to face me directly. My touch almost seemed to mesmerize him, or maybe he just went silent because he knew I had an answer for him. And he looked at me very sadly, knowing what it was not what he wanted. "Thank-you for telling me the truth. I see that you put a lot of thought into this, but my answer hasn't changed. It's... very flattering that you would ask, but I really haven't considered taking a student at this point." When he sighed and nodded with disappointment, I couldn't help wondering whether I were passing up something special. I've instructed before, but the students on Korriban didn't make the job very rewarding. Having someone who genuinely looked up to me gave me some perspective on why Alfred took me nearly a decade ago, but I didn't feel ready for the responsibilities that were involved. "At least not yet."

He raised his head again, not quite sure how I meant it.

"I do intend to instruct again, but I need some time. I'm not ready and I don't know how long it will be. I would strongly encourage you to find another instructor, because I have no idea how long you'd be kept waiting. It may be sooner, but it could also be much later. If it's sooner... I will definitely have you in mind."

I wasn't quite sure if he understood that was just a gentle way of me saying 'no,' or if he genuinely felt better hearing me say I might eventually take him. I suppose it wasn't a lie, but I didn't really give him a genuine answer. I was okay with saying 'maybe,' but he at least had an answer. I probably should have just told him no, but I selfishly didn't want to leave him bitter at me. In one year, he probably would look back and be glad that he got a better master than me.

***

It was late in the evening. Some had already turned in, but Master Vash joined the party later to congratulate me. I actually had a question for Vrook that she probably could answer. Before I could, she just gave me an order. "You should get those tattoos removed." She then gestured to my outfit, not remotely Jedi standard. "Your garb is at least... tolerable, but the marks of the Sith should go as soon as possible."

I instinctively felt my forehead and followed the tattoos down the side of my face. "Yeah, I know. I actually had a question for you."

"Yes?"

I paused for a moment, not quite sure how to respectfully ask without sounding confrontational. "Was I appointed a Padawan at one point?"

She clearly knew the answer, as her expression hadn't changed. If it were not so, she probably would have been surprised that I would ask. But she did answer verbally to confirm it. "About a month ago, you had passed what would have been your trial of skill. Your actions on Kuril went beyond what we had expected of you, which was why we gave you a field promotion to knight. But then you nearly killed one of the medical personnel."

She wasn't answering my question, but I politely asked her to continue.

"At about the same time, we had a padawan who hadn't quite completed his training. We were having difficulty finding someone to apprentice him for another few months. Master Vrook believed you would have been well-suited for this student. And it would have been a good way for you to ease into..." Vash paused when she realized the original plan didn't matter anymore. She started again from what actually took place. "Then the accident happened. After that, we weren't quite sure you were ready for the responsibility. We felt we couldn't assign a padawan to a master under those circumstances."

Even then, it still didn't answer my question. "Why was I assigned a padawan at all... I mean... even then, I was just promoted to a knight. Don't you have restrictions on when someone qualifies for becoming an instructor?"

She nodded exactly in the way one would when concurring with conditions. "Yes. It actually was Vrook's idea. You've already instructed Force-sensitive students; you're qualified."

It actually came as a surprise to me that Vrook would've suggested having me instruct his students. I may have been second head instructor on Korriban, but I wouldn't have compared that to Jedi training. I felt more like a student than an accomplished Jedi knight as it was. "You seriously would have me, a former Sith master, instructing Jedi students? I would've imagined it to be the last thing Vrook would have."

"Maybe, but I think he recognizes your talents as well. You've already demonstrated an ability to instruct, which is really the hard part. Even Vrook recognizes the second headmaster of the Sith Academy to be an impressive credential. The only difference is in what you teach."

That was probably the first time I've ever been recognized for my years on Korriban. Never before had I been complemented for my Sith qualities. Although her generalization was hardly accurate, I just went along with it. "So... are you saying that now I will be expected to take a padawan?"

She just shrugged her shoulders. "That's for you to decide. We... assigned one to you about a month ago, but later decided against it. We had not seen anything of you that gave us reason to concern, but then decided that maybe you weren't ready for the responsibility involved. So, if and when you were, you would be the one to make that choice." Before I could speak, she kept going. "Right now, we are desperately short on good instructors. Anyone who's able should take students, but it should not be done if you still have doubts about your own abilities." She gestured me to continue. "You were saying?"

I felt some relief. A part of me liked the idea of instructing again, but I did not know what I would be getting myself into with a student. There was still so much that I hadn't considered before. Would I have been able to trust a padawan enough to take care of himself, so I wouldn't have to worry? Would I have been able to trust him enough to do what I demanded when it was needed? Would he have just acted instead of thinking? I'd never seen Ross in action before that point... was he capable enough by my standards?

All those questions seriously had to be addressed before I could hope to become a master. If I weren't sure of my own abilities, then the last thing I needed was to entrust another's life into my hands. I wasn't willing to do that to myself at that point.

Vash's attention shifted to someone behind me, smiled, and then extended her hand to shake his. "You must be very proud. You did a fantastic job."

I didn't turn around, as I could recognize who she was addressing. Alfred shook hands, but didn't smile. "Thank-you, but it's Revan who deserves the real credit."

"Your modesty is admirable, but this is no time for modesty. I just wanted to come down and congratulate you both." She looked to me. "You have just completed a very difficult journey, Yuthura Ban. Take pride in that. I know that you've held many doubts even since you turned away from the Sith, but now you are known to all as a Jedi knight. In those times when you find yourself struggling with the dark side, remember that."

More flattery... I must have been blushing at that point. "Thank-you, Master Vash."

After bowing to each other, Vash moved on as Alfred stepped into where she was. "Already working for the rank of master?" He said with a smile.

"What?"

"I overheard some of your conversation."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "It's Ross... Senegal. He wants me to complete his training."

"What do you think?" he asked.

Ross had been standing on the far side of the room, alone and depressed. I watched the boy as he just moved from one place to another, probably just trying not to look uncomfortable. He clearly didn't have any friends among the crowd and had trouble finding a place where he could fit in. He was a kid trying to be a part of an adult society. I just kept watching him, wondering if I made the right choice. "I had not considered taking an apprentice. I was just struggling to stay in the Order. But now..."

"What's changed?" he asked.

"If I don't choose to accept him now, he might not be available later."

"You chose to take the safest path."

I finally looked back at him. "You don't think I could do it?"

He shook his head. "Yuthura, this is not the time to concern yourself with a padawan. Whatever you decide... Ross will come to accept it in the fullness of time. Right now, there are greater matters at stake." He gestured me to the door. "I need you to get Master Zez Kai Ell's lightsaber and then meet me in my quarters."

"Why?"

Alfred had already turned to leave, but froze for a brief moment before smiling at me. "He's here. And he'll want it back after he tells you what you deserve to know."

Before he could escape, I wrapped an arm around his neck to turn him back around. Maybe Ross' story really got to me, or maybe I just felt guilty. "Alfred... I'm so sorry for abandoning you all those years ago."

He batted me away as if it didn't matter to him. "We've already been through this. I've forgiven you."

I shook my head. "I had not... truly understood what it must have been like for you... for me to turn against everything you taught me. I know how very painful it must have been for you."

"Yes it was. However, I don't think any less of you now because of it. You were under the influence of the darkside, but you eventually overcame it." He put his hand under my chin and held me like a father would in a very tender moment. "It's that which makes all the difference to me." Then he gestured for me to get a move on it. "Zez Kae Ell is waiting. Remember the lightsaber."

***

After collecting the lightsaber, I went to Alfred's quarters and came across the two of them laughing. It made me smile to hear Alfred enjoy a good joke. He had a sense of humor, but only laughed at the most clever 'bits' in the galaxy. Or maybe the two of them were just remembering old times. Either way, it was good to hear him laugh.

The two were clearly friends. That would explain how Zez Kae Ell knew to give me a bottle of black ale when last we met. I never told Alfred about my drinking problem, but I was sure he knew. He likely also knew about me and Trevelyan... how close we were, but I still wouldn't say anything unless he confirmed it first.

Alfred opened the door before I could press the door chime. "You're late."

I entered and saw Zez Kae Ell stand up politely, we bowed to each other, and we all were seated at the table.

"Let me guess... you're in a hurry?" I began.

"No, not at all." ZKE answered.

I remained silent for a moment as I tried to understand what Alfred meant by my timing. "Then what was with the 'late' comment?"

Alfred looked to ZKE a brief moment before turning his head around to face me. "You're later than I would've liked. Master Zez Kae Ell had been waiting for nearly three hours. When you dropped off the sensors at the party... I wasn't sure whether you were going to show yourself again or not."

What he meant was that chunk of time Revan and I spent alone. "Oh, I'm... very sorry about that. I..."

ZKE didn't seem to care. "We all celebrate special occasions in our own way." He said with a smile. "I wish I could have shared in the celebration, but... I'm not supposed to be here." He gestured to Alfred. "Still it gave me a chance to catch up on old times."

Alfred seemed eager to get to the point. "And in all this time, he's been keeping a secret from you... from me. All these years... I'm almost hoping it's nothing."

Zez Kae Ell sighed, closed his eyes, and nodded. The way he looked was one of a guilty conscience. "This concerns you as much as it does her." After Alfred sat back down, Zez Kae Ell opened his eyes and continued. "First, I need to know what you've been told. The Council initially rejected you when you returned to the Order. What did they tell you?"

It took me a moment to remember what happened, but it came back. "Vrook said that there were no masters available to train me. He said that many hadn't been given a single chance. And that they couldn't afford to try and retrain a failed Jedi."

He nodded very slightly, barely enough to notice. "There was more to it than that. When you turned away from the Sith, it startled the High Council. Few ever turn away from the dark side. Most that have did so under... extraordinary circumstances."

"Extraordinary circumstances?" Alfred asked.

"Yes. You've been told that once a Jedi starts down the dark path, it would forever dominate their destiny. There have been exceptions to this rule, but virtually every one occurred under very favorable conditions. A Jedi who fell to the dark side could be saved if they were rescued quickly and if they were once true to the light before they fell." Zez Kae Ell explained.

"Yes?"

He looked away, thinking of how to speak his words without offending me. "Yuthura, I need to ask you something and I need you to tell me honestly... did you truly fall to the dark side?"

I was shocked by the question. It scared me into thinking that I would rather not know the truth. I would rather that I had not known the Council had some dark secret about me. But they did, so I answered honestly. "Yes. Why would you ask that?"

"When? Describe to me how you fell."

Alfred interrupted. "What's this about? I don't think there would be any reason to assume she would fake something like that."

Zez Kae Ell answered. "I'm not suggesting that it was a ruse. The Council does not believe that Yuthura 'fell' to the darkside. I'm asking her to confirm whether or not it's true."

They both stared at me for a long moment, all while I tried to grasp the nature of the question. It was like they were the ones demanding answers. That made me uncomfortable, as I was the one who'd been kept in the dark about some dark truth for years. Why was I not the one asking the questions? Maybe it was because he first needed an answer. "I... never really thought of it. It just seemed to happen over a long period of time." I stood up and paced around to think back to when Yuthura, the Sith master began. "I suppose when I killed Omeesh, shortly before I was first accepted by the Jedi. Maybe it was then."

Alfred shook his head. "It couldn't have. When I trained you, I saw you strive to become a Jedi for a long time after that. If you had fallen then, it would have taken its course immediately."

"So what are you suggesting?" I asked.

He remained silent for a long moment, considering what next to tell me. "Are either of you familiar with the potentium theory?"

"No." I answered.

"I've heard of it, yes." Alfred said.

Zez Kae Ell explained it. "Potentium theory challenges the very foundation of the Jedi Order. Some have tried to prove it, but it has always been a very hot topic for debate. Few know of it. And those that do are discouraged from debating the topic."

"Why?"

"The theory explains that one's Force alignment is inherent to the person wielding it... that Force energy is not inherently good or evil... that there is no light or dark side. That the Force is not a polarized energy that depends on pure selflessness or passion to become stronger."

"Wait..." Alfred looked at me to read my expression, but then looked to ZKE. "Are you suggesting that Yuthura...?"

"The Council seriously believes she represents what could prove the Potentium theory."

I was confused, yet concerned. They spoke of something that I was not familiar with. "What are you talking about? What does that mean?"

"The Potentium theory is a very serious matter. It poses a danger similar to that of the Sith."

I shook my head. "No way. This isn't like a new faction of the Order that could suddenly gain favor over... some theory."

ZKE shrugged his shoulders, concerned, but apparently understanding of my dismissal. "You're probably right, but after this latest conflict with Revan and Malak... so many Jedi have been lost. So much violence has come about over such a... minor discrepancy. And since Revan turned his back on the Order, the Council is way too tense about the prospect of another crucible that threatens to challenge the Jedi Order."

"But I'm not out to conquer the galaxy. Even if I'm... say that all this is true, what then?"

Alfred answered. "Let's just say that the Council would not take to kindly to debating whether all the Jedi teachings may be fundamentally flawed. They would not let this matter become public."

I began to feel sickened by the thought that I could unravel the entire Jedi Order just by my very existence. "How could I, alone... how do you know any of this? How do I differ from Jedi like Revan and Juhani?"

ZKE answered. "Because you've also demonstrated something else that we thought should not have been possible. According to Jedi teachings, certain Force abilities can only come through peace... the healing trance and battle meditation, for example. Others, such as Force lightning, could only be done through intense emotion. The Council does not believe you are restricted by those limitations."

"How did you mean?" I requested.

"According to what Alfred told me in the months prior to your leaving the Order, you started exhibiting unusual abilities. You used passion to perform feats that every other Jedi could only perform through peace. He wasn't aware of it, maybe because he was just too close to you. The passion that was building in you made it difficult to distinguish what form the Force would take from within you."

I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Much of what I heard contradicted what I already knew. "I'm sorry, but I don't see what's so significant about that. I've seen Master Vrook use Force lightning and he's the most... Jedi-like person I know. I've been told Jolee Bindo could perform such feats. Revan, too."

Zez Kae Ell sighed in frustration. "Yes. Master Vrook can harness lightning, but he would have to focus on intense emotion in order to do that. Force users often focus on one side of the Force spectrum or the opposite for certain abilities. When a Jedi becomes more at peace, it becomes easier to perform a healing trance, but it becomes more difficult for them to use lightning. The same goes for a Sith in the opposite direction." He stood up and paced around for a moment, trying to explain it better. "As for gray Jedi, they don't gravitate to either side of the Force spectrum. They remain neutral in the Force, but never achieve their fullest potential as ones like Darth Malak, or as Master Vandar."

I nodded. "So where do I stand among them?"

"You seemingly defied the Force spectrum. It's like you can achieve a mastery of both sides of the spectrum without gravitating to one side or the other." He said.

"I don't understand."

"It's difficult to explain. The truth is that we don't know the extent of your abilities. All that we do know is that you've exercised certain abilities through passion which we didn't believe possible." Zez Kae Ell explained.

I stared at him for a long moment before looking to Alfred, seeing as he seemed just as surprised as I was. "Why haven't I been told any of this? Wouldn't it have been helpful for my master to know what was wrong with me? I might not have turned to the Sith."

Alfred answered, somewhat understanding of why he was kept in the dark about the same issue. "This gets back to the Potentium theory. The more you demonstrated your abilities, the more difficult it would have been for you to accept the Jedi ways."

I stared at Alfred in horror. "You knew of this?!"

"Not until after you returned to the Jedi. I knew that there was something significant about you in the Council, but I didn't know what. When you were accepted back into the Order, I wanted to take you back, but Master Zhar said that it was critical for him to work with you. In order to ensure that you would return to the light and restrain the passion that fueled your dark side abilities." He looked away. "He believed that once you found peace, you would refuse to tap into the dark side again."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about! You say I'm..."

Zez Kae Ell interrupted. "You're right... we don't. All that the Council knew was that you were a threat to their teachings. They feared what you may have represented; and they wanted to avoid confronting the matter altogether. For that, your request to be retrained was denied. The reason you've been accepted was because Revan would not allow it. It was then that they decided the best way was to train you very carefully. When Zhar realized you had not discovered your potential, he felt you would choose to seek peace and that your passion would..." He realized that the truth was only making the situation worse.

I was somewhat in shock at what I was hearing, but there was some great anger coming about that wasn't like the standard 'berserker' feeling I would have expected. I didn't know what exactly it was, but it was powerful. It was the kind of anger which came from a source you've dealt with so often that you just have had enough.

As ZKE sensed such hostile feelings brewing within me, he told the rest to Alfred. I was a bit too tense to listen, but Alfred asked why ZKE chose to reveal the truth is the knowledge could prove dangerous for the Order.

Zez Kae Ell answered. "If the Jedi teachings are indeed flawed, it is better that we know sooner than later. I tell you this because you deserve to know the truth..." He faced Alfred. "...and if you are to retrain her, it is necessary for you to know as well. This is the truth. If Yuthura wishes to pursue her true abilities, you can expect the High Council will have a problem with it. If you wish to avoid a direct confrontation with the Council, or to keep this secret... it should be by your choice... not the Council's."

I dropped my head. This news angered me, but I was too tired to react. At first, I thought that the Council rejected me because I'd fallen too far to be redeemed. This news alleviated guilt, but brought great disappointment. My feelings for the Council has generated so much resentment that I was just... disappointed. When I finally raised my head, both of them waited to hear what I had to say. It has been a long while since I said anything, and with all that anger within my soul, they didn't expect me to speak so calmly. "I suppose I'll return the lightsaber now."

As I reached under my chair to grab it, ZKE still had more to say. "I believe I've told you everything you needed." When I offered it to him, he wouldn't take it. "If you have any questions, I'll also answer them."

Alfred put his arm around me and tried to comfort me, but I gently brushed it away and lightly slammed the lightsaber on the table before ZKE. I was not interested in hearing any more and just wanted to get away from that place. When I stood up, each of them looked as though I were about to go berserk. My calm demeanor must have come as a shock to both. When I finally lifted my eyes to meet ZKE's, I softly uttered "I've heard enough. Thank-you."

As I turned for the door, Alfred started to follow me out. "Are you sure? You have nothing that you wish to ask?"

I had stopped halfway within the doorway and turned completely around, not quite sure what I would say. "I... need to be alone. I need to sort this out for myself."

****

Author's comments:

This particular chapter was much shorter than it currently stands. I decided to extend one rather-long chapter into two and focus on one aspect of the story for each. This chapter is appropriately named for two plot lines that just happened to coincide. This leaves Yuthura in a very difficult situation where she'll be dealing with the truth in the next section of the story.

The first section of the story was purely done to explain how one chapter fits in with the story without exactly detracting from it when it was gone. I think I also wanted to start showing Revan when he begins to recover his memories and act more like the Dark Lord as the story goes on. I also wanted Yuthura to get to the point she realizes the dangers of love, but to have the confidence to not question herself at this point.

The second part was greatly modified from my original character of Ross Senegal. I actually found it was a great way to introduce a character that I could model after myself. Originally just a traditional Jedi student, I've decided that Ross will be more like a high-potential, low-discipline kind of person. Ross will be bright, but I want him to have a distinct personality from other Jedi. The whole Vincenza story was just a made up tale that I created around the irony to mirror Yuthura Ban.

The third part was what I wanted to give Yuthura so that she would stand out from other Jedi. I thought that being a powerful figure was a bit bland, as virtually all great Jedi are powerful. So I thought of making her more like the Jedi Exile, in having a special talent which set her apart. I also wanted to explain in more detail the reason why Force Lightning was a 'dark side' power. It makes a lot of sense for someone like a Jedi to be free of passion... having to get angry to use lightning. And that would make sense how Jedi talents were based on meditation... something Sith don't do. Yuthura is unique because she developed a 'selfless passion' as I call it. So she can do the healing trance through anger and lightning through peaceful means.

PS: sorry about the delay again. Much more yet to come.


	32. Despair

Here is the first of two chapters I've revised significantly. This originally was supposed to only be about 3000 words, but then I realized this is probably one of the most significant parts of the story. I've got chapter 33 almost done as well, but realized I had stretched this quite far for a single chapter. I try to average 6-8 thousands words, so I'm going to post the next update within the next day or so. I'll also be getting on with the story. Yuthura will soon have an apprentice and will be going off to war.

* * *

The journey to my quarters was short, yet every bend and every juncture seemed to last an eternity. My quarters were almost as opposite the temple as you could get from Alfred's, 25 floors down. Reaching a lift, I pressed the call button, but it didn't signal the elevator. Impatient and frustrated, I slammed my fist upon the panel to ensure the damn thing worked. My breathing had become heavy and I knew I was far from peace, but it didn't seem to matter. I was angry and the last thing I wanted to do was calm myself.

And yet the anger I felt was the very thing that was making me so... angry. No, that wasn't right. It was the Council who I was so angry at. They knew. They always knew! They would have cast me out, or they would have restrained me if they had their way? Damn them! Damn them and their hypocritical Jedi arrogance!

The anger overwhelmed me and I just had to deal out punishment. Of course I was foolish to take it out on the elevator door. I made a rather significant dent in the metal after throwing my fist against it. I didn't have to feel pain to know that I did some serious damage to my knuckles with that. Maybe that's what I wanted; at least I had something else to occupy my mind.

I didn't scream in pain, but I did feel enough to justify one. I clenched my right hand with the other, trying to ease the injury I just inflicted upon myself.

A few seconds later, the elevator door opened, and I struggled to get in. Although there was nothing wrong with my legs, there was a thing about intense pain which was debilitating... no matter where it hurt. Using my elbow to hit my intended floor, I slid against the side of the elevator and fell to my knees, clenching my wrist with my entire body. My breathing was still erratic, but that was due to the pain. It was almost as though I needed something to get my mind off my other problems... pain definitely did that.

I finally built up the nerve to look at my knuckles and confirmed that I had definitely broken some bones. I had some blood seeping through the seams of my other hand, which started dripping onto the deck. It was then that I determined I needed medical care. It was extremely painful and I needed both relief and treatment.

Then I suddenly realized I could stop the pain through a healing trance. Only I was distracted, angry, and hurt. Yes, passion! Those were exactly the right conditions I needed! I couldn't imagine being so angry as I was right then; that was how I would heal myself. If what he said was true, I could test the theory right there.

Focusing all my anger and all my hate into the Force energy I needed to repair the shattered bones, to isolate the marrow from infection, and to weave my flesh back after being torn away; I felt the delicate touch of the Force acting as I willed it. I willed it to accelerate the rate of tissue regeneration and to rebuild my shattered bones. The pain had actually got much worse, as was natural in the healing trance. The sound of the shattered bones grinding against one another was a sickening thought, but it was the only way to reset them before they could regenerate.

After setting the bones in their proper place, the pain slowly diminished, and I felt the Force slowly fade from my grasp. Without the fuel of passion to aid in the healing process, I was able to turn to the peace I needed and completed the process 'normally.'

When the pain was finally gone, I had been breathing in such relief that I barely realized what I had just done. The flesh and bones were very tender, but I could open and close my fist again without causing great pain. My hands were still covered in blood, but at least it had stopped gushing from my flesh.

The elevator then came to a stop for someone who had signaled for it. I was so spent that I hardly noticed. It wasn't until he asked if I were alright that I looked up. I suppose that someone on her knees and with blood spattered on the floor would raise concerns. I reached to the railing and pulled myself up to my feet. "Yeah, I'm alright. I just... need to clean up this blood, that's all."

He knew that something was odd with me, but he got onto the elevator with me and just acted like nothing was the matter. He even asked me again if I were alright. I suppose that my panting gave away that I was under a lot of pressure at that moment. I didn't answer him that second time.

Then when my floor finally came up, I rushed out the elevator. I had no idea why, but I was just under a lot of pressure and needed to get to my quarters. It became clear once I threw myself onto my bed and started weeping uncontrollably. I had no idea why.

Of course I knew why! I can never come to trust anyone! Even the best of people were so goddamned focused on restraining me... and I trusted them! I was betrayed! They betrayed me! I just want them to die! Why can't they just die!

***

I wasn't sure how long it had been... hours? Maybe only minutes. I wasn't really keeping track of time as I laid, weeping into my pillow. I knew that it didn't make any difference, but it felt better than bottling it in. I never realized how much the truth could hurt, but it did. It hurt worse than anything Omeesh subjected me to on Sleheyron.

At some point, my door chime sounded. I was still in so much bedlam that I didn't acknowledge it. It sounded again. Still nothing. Then the door slid open, as I didn't set my lock.

He slowly approached, as not to startle me, and got on his knee beside the head of my bed. At that point, I knew someone was there, but I didn't care at that point. When I raised my head enough, I saw it was Alfred who came in.

"I'm sorry, I know you said you wanted solitude, but I seriously think you would do best to talk with someone right now."

I buried my head back into my pillow and only lifted myself enough to speak. "Am I falling back to the dark side again?"

"No." A long moment elapsed as Alfred tried to come up with the best words. "You're just devastated. It'll pass."

I took a deep breath, slowly drawing in and quickly exhaling almost rhythmically a few times. When I finally had a steady pattern, I sat myself up across from where Alfred sat on the floor. "What Zez Kae Ell told me is true. I had done a healing trance through passion."

When he saw the blood on my hands, he grabbed my wrists and examined the flesh. When the thought of self-infliction came to his mind, I could almost hear the desperation in his voice. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Maybe it would have been better for me to give him the answer he wanted, but I just answered the question. "Yes."

After a moment of intense thoughts, he went to get a damp cloth from my lavatory. After I heard the water flow from the faucet, I was reminded of all the times he went to great efforts for me. That was just another time where his interests were in not seeing me hurt.

I then gave him a better answer. "No, I'm not suicidal. I was just... felt like hitting something." As he started washing away the blood from one of my hands, I took hold of wrist to stop him. It was then that we shared a long moment looking each other in the eye. It was like how one person would politely refuse help from a comrade to show that she was alright. I then took the cloth from him so I could do it for myself.

Although Twi'leks came in many colors, our blood didn't match the pigments of our skin. Human blood was red because of the richness in iron. The maroon blood of a Twi'lek came from the concentration of both iron and copper. As I folded the cloth to remove the dried blood in between my fingers, I couldn't help staring at my knuckles, clean of all injury. "If you ever get angry and feel the need to hit something, I'd advise you not take it out on a metal door."

He looked at me with little jest in his expression, probably knowing it wasn't just a joke. "Well I could've told you that earlier. I just thought you would've known that by now."

I actually managed to smile. He knew that I did it out of anger, yet he didn't say it in a demeaning way. "You know, when Vrook talks about how anger distorts judgment and impairs rational thought, I keep thinking his judgment of me is wrong. I've never fully embraced the ways of the Jedi, but I knew that I was more than he gave me credit for." When I was done with the cloth, I made a fist with my right hand. "Then I go and do something which proves his point."

He took the cloth and made his way back to clean it out. "Well if it makes you feel better, you didn't take it out on someone else. I seriously feared something like that when you left. I saw the elevator door and thought you might have driven someone's head into it. In fact, that was the reason I came here. I would have been willing to give you solitude, even if I felt you needed guidance; but not if you posed a danger to others."

"So if you had known I merely hurt myself, it wouldn't have mattered to you?"

He stepped out of the lavatory, silently making his way back to the bedroom. "It's really not appropriate for me to be here. One of the customs of a teacher and student is to respect the right of severance. As you're now a Jedi knight, it's demanded that I treat you with the same respect as I would any other member of the Order."

I couldn't help but smile at his remark. "What are you talking about?"

Alfred sat down on the bed next to me. "You had explicitly requested solitude to deal with this matter. It's not my place to question your word or your actions. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't be here."

"Well, you knew I needed help. You always seemed to know me better than I knew myself."

"Most times, no." Alfred's eyes were drawn to the dancer's outfit that Fasa had sent me. After what Trevelyan and I shared earlier that night, I didn't properly dispose of it. The sight of slave garb in my quarters probably had Alfred pretty confused... or he saw straight through and knew all about us. "I hadn't gone through what you did, so I couldn't say I... really understood your feelings for slavery. I could tell when something wasn't right, but you'd always made it difficult to understand. You were always so closed off from the rest of the galaxy." Then his eyes finally met mine. "I was hoping that might have changed by now."

"I had recanted the Sith. Not everyone can make such a claim. Don't tell me I'm closed-minded."

"That's not at all what I was getting at." He sighed and stood up to think about what he really was getting at. "Yuthura, I've been concerned for you. I thought this might have given you some peace."

I gestured to myself. "Alfred, this is me you're talking about. Do you really expect me to be happy right now?"

He twisted himself around and leaned his back against the wall. "I spoke with Master Zez Kae Ell for a while after you left us. I'd always known there was something remarkable about you, but I'd never known just how special you really were. I can understand that you'd be afraid right now."

"I'm not afraid. I'm angry." I stood up and went to the window. There was something about looking out at a horizon of skyscrapers that felt right. When one had problems with the rest of the galaxy, it only seemed right that you would look upon the face of your enemy as you made your accusations. "They knew. They'd always known! And they were going to turn me away because of it. Because they were afraid."

He stared at me very nervously for a long moment before coming up from behind and holding me in his arms. I couldn't explain why, but it felt very calming to have him embracing me while we watched the skyline. He was like a father to me, and he cared for me as much as any father would for his biological daughter. At least it was how I came to understand that kind of relationship. Even as I tried to face my grief on my own, he came for me.

As he started rubbing my shoulder blades, he finally spoke up again. "You're not alone in this. If they had told me when they first discovered your true potential... maybe... maybe I wouldn't have pushed you towards the Sith. Your drive to fight slavery was one of the things I admired most about you, but it wasn't for a Jedi to pursue." He sighed. He sounded so sad, as though he felt responsible for everything that's happened to me since I abandoned the Jedi. He leaned his back against the window so he could face me without blocking my view of the city. "I just wanted you to find peace."

That wasn't the first time he spoke such words, but it was the first time I really felt I understood what he meant by 'peace.' I thought back to that time when Trevelyan had me in his arms only a few hours ago... just how happy I was. What changed that destroyed all that? "I had. Just this day, I was able to look back on everything that's happened. Omeesh, Sleheyron, Dantooine, Korriban, the Sith... I was truly happy. There was nothing about my life that I would've changed." I finally turned my head the few degrees to the right that I needed to look directly at Alfred. "I had found peace with myself."

He knew by my tone was I was not building a climax for anything other than to tear it down by one malicious act. He tried to keep me from doing that by looking at what was positive. "Nothing has changed. You know more about yourself now than you did this morning, but nothing beyond that is any different."

I shook my head, wiping the tears from my eyes with my sleeve. "It is. All I have anymore for the Council is anger and hate."

"Is that what this is about?"

That caught me by surprise. I thought he would have been just as angry about the situation as I had been. "Yes. I mean... doesn't it bother you that the Council would have rejected me, had Revan not stepped in? They knew about me, they always knew!"

"I'm not disputing that, but it doesn't matter at this point. You were accepted; and everything eventually turned out for the best. And now you're a Jedi knight. That title isn't given to someone they don't trust. That's what you always wanted, isn't it?"

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? They tried to reject me. They knew I had great power and they were more concerned with keeping the truth hidden than whether or not my wish to return to the Order was sincere. All these months, I felt as though my presence here was only because I received special dispensation. If Revan hadn't been there to support me, they wouldn't have given me a second chance."

He remained silent for an uncomfortably long moment before finally expressing his concern. "I wish you wouldn't. I'm not saying that this shouldn't matter, but you're letting it tear you up inside. Anger and hate... do you really want to clench onto those emotions? What the Council did was wrong, but it seems to me that the outcome would've been the same for you either way. I think it was by the will of the Force that Revan was meant to save you. That he was meant to go back and force the Council to accept you."

"The Force doesn't have a will, Alfred. I wish you would stop with that crap. If something happens, it happens because someone acts to make it so."

He sighed, obviously frustrated and probably disgusted with me. "I'm trying to help you. I remember last time something like this happened, it was over a matter where you let your anger get the best of you. If you want to continue brooding, then I'll just let you. Or you can just accept what's happened and move on."

"Yeah, just accept it and move on." I sighed deeply and laid back on my bed. "The worst part is I know you're right. That it's the prudent thing to do."

He smiled and held his head above mine. "If you want, I'll start working with you to help hone your abilities. If the Council has a problem with it, they can take it up with me."

*****

Of course, I was not in a prudent mood at that time. I've never felt so much anxiety in my life. It was the first time that I ever had more worth losing than just my life. I knew I had to act, but I knew not what to do.

I remembered something Carth once said about loosing his family and facing the one who was responsible. 'Dealing with it wasn't easy'... I had to admit I didn't really appreciate how painful it could be. 'Something about betrayal always sticks with you'... I had a feeling that I would never be able to look upon the Council the same way again. 'You move on and you let your real friends be there for you.'

That last part normally inspired hope, but it brought me no comfort. If one couldn't turn to the High Council themselves, then whom could I possibly trust anymore? I'd always thought very highly of them. That's odd for me to admit, but I never would've believed the Council were capable of such... hypocrisy. I had always thought I was accepted into the Order because of Revan, because only he thought I was worth it. All that time I felt impudent... I was in fact just being restrained blindly.

After a few minutes of solitude, I reached under my bed and took the first bottle I could find. It didn't matter to me what was on the label, so long as it was intoxicating. After pouring a glass and taking a gulp, I could tell it was Correllian ale. It wasn't as potent as black, but it was a more viscous fluid meant to coat the tongue. Only I wasn't in the mood for savoring it.

I poured myself another and downed that one very quickly. When I filled my glass again, I set the bottle on the table and took the glass with me as I wandered across the room. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I took another swig of ale. Although I knew myself better than anyone, I saw something different in my reflection. I looked more closely at myself and tried to figure out what had changed. I didn't know what to expect, but I just stared at myself for several minutes. So much of me had changed in just ten years. The tattoos were the most obvious change from the foolish young girl I was before I became a Sith. The eyes... I could no longer see the fear that once gripped my soul. I only saw anger and hate in my eyes; something which has always been there. It wasn't until I started taking another gulp of my drink that I saw it.

I stared at my reflection with the glass in my hand... and it sickened me. Trevelyan didn't drink because alcohol didn't solve anything... it just allowed us to forget our problems for a while. He said he wanted to enjoy life in all its agonizing glory; and not to dull the sensation in any way. At first I dismissed such nonsense, but soon looked at the woman in the mirror with contempt. I looked down into the contents of the glass for a moment before glaring at myself and then splattering the contents upon the mirror.

As the thick, brown liquid teemed down the reflective surface; I continued staring at myself through it. It was intended as a disrespectful gesture for myself, which was why I felt as though I had just splashed myself in the face with my drink. It was odd, since I didn't actually do it to myself, yet it was me who I felt deserved the gesture. I stared at my reflection and reacted exactly as I should've.

Suddenly, a flood of thoughts began to come into my mind that I had never considered. When I returned to the Jedi, I thought I was prepared to face the harsh reality that I didn't have the power to change everything as I once believed. I had always believed it was up to me to end slavery... because no one else would stand up to the Hutts. As I began to lose those thoughts about power and strength and victory, I had become too complacent with myself. I had found peace with myself because I let go of all which caused me distress. That was not who I was meant to be. I was meant to bring about change.

It was for that reason I loved the Order... they represented everything that mattered to me. They may have worked slowly, but they did make a difference. It troubled me to know their numbers have dwindled from thousands to hundreds... all because the Council couldn't stand the thought that Revan was right to oppose the Mandalorians. It was because they believed themselves greater than all the Order.

We all had two responsibilities. Either we had the responsibility to recognize the way things were, or to accept the responsibility for bringing about change. Revan saw that when the Council forbeyed the Jedi from joining the war effort, but he took it upon himself to change that. Change could only come if I did what was necessary to make it happen. If the Council was not going to save the Order... then it was up to me.

-----

I made a mistake earlier that day. When Padawan Senegal asked me to apprentice him, I lied. I knew that I was capable of training him, but lacked the confidence I needed. I didn't know how, but when I threw that glass away... I realized that my confidence was as strong as I was willing to make it. Doubt was an enemy that I had to be rid of.

Without hesitation, I went directly to Ross' quarters and said I'd complete his training. Needless to say, he was not happy to be disturbed so late into the evening. But he was most appreciative to hear the great news. The kid nearly threw himself at me to show his gratitude with an embrace, had I not told him to restrain himself. I also told him that training wouldn't begin until after I returned from AR-159. A war zone was no place for an apprentice; and it also gave me some time to think on recent events.

Despite getting to bed very late, I woke up fairly early. It was 5:00 AM and I felt a little better than I did the previous night. Usually, I would've just turned over and went back to sleep, but I decided that the next two hours were not worth wasting. So I got myself up and put them to use.

As my memories of yesterday returned, I recalled what Zez Kae Ell told me. At first, I was so far beyond anger that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't explain it, but the truth didn't hurt anymore. It was like I had gotten so used to their hypocrisy that I'd come to expect disappointment.

It did help me to realize why I didn't have the power to change the Council... it was because I didn't deserve it. For me to demand the Council not be above the standards of the other Jedi, I first had to prove myself above their standards. Otherwise, my demands would fall upon deaf ears. To most, I was still just a broken Sith under Revan's protection. I had to make myself more than that if I hoped to ever have some influence within the Order.

I threw that alcohol away last night because I had become more eager to remove the cause of my pain than in shutting it out. I had packed two bottles of ale to take with me to RS 159, but removed them from my bag. The thought of drinking that poison again was no longer satisfying... I should have been dealing with my problems from the start.

My garb was only a minor issue, but refusal to wear robes was a sign of rebelliousness; I had to present myself properly to others. If I couldn't influence the Council, then I had to earn the respect of their followers. Only then would I have the power to instigate change. Revan knew it and he played the Council like fools when one in four Jedi who followed him against their wishes. He did it by being a better Jedi than the Council. That was what I had to do.

-----

In addition to new robes, I needed to deal with my tattoos. Because I was unwilling to remove them, I had those on my face covered with dermal paste... hiding them from view. Since I was going to be covered up, I didn't have to apply it anywhere else. When I saw myself in the mirror, it was strange to see a 'perfect Jedi' staring back at me. That was what I had to become before I could influence anyone.

On Korriban, my twi'lek qualities only took me so far. I couldn't overcome Uthar because I didn't change my tactics. To overcome the Council, I had to have support. For that, I had to earn it from as many other Jedi as possible. Their support would either force the Council to play by my rules, or they would lose their authority.

Sounded easy, but becoming a 'perfect leader' like Revan involved pushing myself harder than ever before. Every moment I was given would be used to its fullest... starting with some exercise in the simulator.

Instead of smashing droids, I set the program to extreme levels of difficulty with nearly impossible goals. Instead of taking joy from success, I was determined to learn from my failures and eventually become strong enough to reach the levels that seemed beyond my reach.

The last time I used the simulator, I was ridiculed for having destroyed so many droids. Although the Jedi had always been supplied with what they needed, needless waste was discouraged. This time, I set myself to complete my runs without destroying anything... adding difficulty and forcing me to adapt to strange tactics. It was surprising how many blaster bolts you can miss when you're up against impossible numbers. I was hit dozens of times with painful stun lasers and it took its toll on my body. They weren't lethal, but a concentrated treatment could be fatal, so I ended it earlier than I hoped.

When I looked at the clock, I felt as though I had been in the simulator for hours. I was only in for 30 minutes. That only went to show how much practice I needed. Master Kavar probably could have done that exercise all day and not broken a sweat. I had to improve and get to that level, because my life depended on being ready for such conditions. And I was determined to be able to challenge any of the Council, in whatever kind of battle we might face. Hopefully it wouldn't come down to lightsabers, but I had to be ready if it did.

And from the clock, I saw I had about seven hours before I needed to report to Vrook in the main hanger. I decided that it was best to catch up on the sleep I missed, but before I could return to my quarters, Trevelyan caught up with me. He displayed the nicest smile at the sight of me in knight's robes and without the tattoos. He must've thought they were removed as he gently moved his hand across my forehead.

"They're not gone, just covered." I told him.

"You look good as a Jedi knight. I thought you hated the robes." he said, still smiling.

"I do, but it's expected of everyone." I answered with a stern expression on my face.

"Do they fit properly? I thought you said they were restricting."

I stretched myself out to push the limits of my flexibility. While doing it, the robe didn't exactly conform to my body. As I stretched myself forward, the top portion came undone. It was only enough to reveal my undergarments, but I had to readjust it and my belt. "I guess not everyone's as flexible as me."

As I reset my robe, I noticed Trevelyan staring at my chest for the moment he could see my cleavage. He adjusted the collar for me to make a gesture with it as he spoke. "Well if they're a hindrance, then you should keep with what works best with you."

I gave him a proud grin as if I had him around my finger. I knew that I didn't, but it was an amusing thought. "I think we both know the real reason... just say it."

He shook his head, serious about his suggestion. "They are more flattering than robes yes, but if this restricts movement, there is a legitimate reason to keep with your twi'lek garb. If you wore a cloak, no one would notice."

I scoffed. "Why not ask me to fight naked? It'd certainly distract enemies... it'd distract you."

He didn't know how to react to that comment. It was almost as though I were starting to frustrating him with my girlish comments. "Just go with whatever works best. Aesthetics are irrelevant unless they influence others, which is an advantage you have. If you have to fight... to hell with traditions. If it's all the same to you, then try not to stand out from others."

I wrapped my arms around his neck. "For a man who turned a fourth of all the Jedi against their teachings, you don't clue in to certain implications very well."

He grabbed my arms and brushed me off. "I'm not Revan anymore! Stop measuring me to him... I don't have the skills or the abilities he once possessed. I am aware of that and don't have to be reminded again and again."

His reaction startled me and I realized that I could not discuss that topic under the current conditions. The first time we slept together, it was a mutually special experience. Now I was intending to use my body as a weapon again... on the man I loved. Only this time, my intent was not to exploit him. I simply wanted him to be relaxed before I could talk to him about a more sensitive issue.

I wrapped myself around him again. "We have a few hours before we have to depart. Bastila is gone. Why not spend some more time together?"

He looked at me as if he knew I was throwing myself at him more easily than usual. "I don't think it would be best. When we did... it was like a spiritual moment for me. I wouldn't..."

I pulled myself back. "We're both adults... not undeveloped children to be ordered about. There's nothing wrong with giving in to a temptation every now and again. Give me a very good reason why you would deny such a little thing like sex and I'll respect your wishes."

He opened his mouth to say an answer, but one really didn't exist. He stared at me for a moment while I watched the wheels turning in his head. Then he chuckled. "If you hate the robes, maybe you should slip into something more appropriate?"

-----

Of course, it wasn't what I expected. There were several chambers within the temple devoted to storing clothing. All kinds of clothing imaginable were useful for covert operations and disguising agents, but the assortment of Jedi clothing was equally impressive. Almost half the clothing of the chamber we were in... Jedi robes.

It was a decent set of Jedi robes which Revan meant for me to select. It wasn't what I had in mind, but we did have some fun playing 'dress up.' I did strip down to my underwear, since we were alone, and I tried on dozens of outfits to find the one which one was best for me. Despite my advances, he seemed more interested in having me find the right set of clothing. That probably was best, but I really wished he would look at me with that boyish smile.

It wasn't until he asked about my tattoos that he finally did. It was when he came up to me when my back was turned and held onto my waist. "Are you ever going to have these removed?"

By the way his fingers followed the pattern of tattoos along my midriff, I could tell what he meant by the remark. "I don't know. I might have them removed from my face, but only because I can't hide them. As for the rest of my body..." I turned around to face him. When I saw that boyish expression, I embraced him like usual. "What do you think?"

He looked directly at my face and lightly touched the areas which were covered by the dermal paste. "I have to say that I like this face, but it just isn't... you. I don't want you to change it unless it's what you really want." Then his eyes were drawn downward as he stepped back. "As for the rest... you wouldn't be the same without them."

"And do you know what would flatter you?" I asked.

"What?"

While leafing through the wardrobe, I came across something that once belonged to him. With the Force, I took hold of his old robe and brought it to my hand. It was the one he wore as Revan, although the mask was missing. When I presented it to him, the poor guy reluctantly took the robe by the hanger, very careful not to touch the fabric. "I hope you're not serious."

"Well it's more flattering than what you're currently wearing. Seriously... brown?" That was the color robe he tended to cover himself in. I could tell he would have preferred something with more taste. Granted, Jedi clothes were built for function and not form. Still it wasn't any reason why you couldn't choose something a little less drab.

As he finally actually touched the fabric, I started undressing him right there. He tried to stop me. "No, I'm not going to wear this again. It's not who I am. It's not who I want to be. Never again."

I continued undressing him anyway. "You know that you never looked flattering in this robe? You're taking it off this instant."

When he took hold of my wrists, I stared at him with frustration clear in my expression. "This is not the time or place."

I pulled away. "Oh please. Why else would you have come here other than for that purpose? You know you want to."

It was then that I seriously could tell something was wrong with him. One moment, he's advancing on me. The next, he's holding back. "Well, no. I mean... who would pass up the chance to get a glimmer at a beautiful woman changing? I mean... you needed a robe that fits properly. No, I mean..." He stopped talking when he saw my expression. I was concerned for him, as I didn't know what was going through his head. "Is my mind maladjusted? Yes, it is."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"My memories... Revan's memories are starting to resurface again."

The first part of the statement made perfect sense, but the part about 'again' caught me by surprise. Or did he just make an error in speech? "Again?"

"Yes. I've frequently been recovering memories of my old life. Revan's mind wasn't completely destroyed. The Council had wiped what was left of my original memories, using mental blocks to keep what was left of Revan dormant. I periodically have to have the Council reinforce those mental blocks... it's just been a while since..."

My jaw dropped in horror. "You've actively been restraining memories of your former life?!"

He gave me a serious stare. "I don't want to be like that monster again. I don't want any part of Revan up here." He tapped his forehead.

I was outraged at what he just said. "You... you made an issue about me facing my memories and not forgetting my past. You've been doing exactly that!"

"No I'm not. You're memories are a part of who you are... Revan's memories are not a part of me... not anymore. I'm not changing myself by restricting them." He held me in his arms, bringing his face very close to mine. "If you has undergone a mind wipe, you would have been lost. Revan's memories are not a part of me. I'm just restraining them so that I stay as I am."

"You've already been altered when the Council blocked your memories. You should allow them to return naturally."

"No. I don't want those memories... I don't want to risk falling to the dark side again."

I frowned. "What if I asked it of you?"

"What?"

"What if I asked you to let those memories return to you?"

He looked at me as though I'd gone mad. I suppose that I might have done the same if I were in his shoes. Only I wasn't in his shoes. "I don't want those memories. They're not mine. They belonged to a person who I used to be, but who no longer lives. I don't understand why you would... want me to take on Revan's memories."

I had stared at him for a long moment, probably because I struggled to tell him the true reason. "Because you asked the same from me."

He stared at me for a long moment as well, clearly cognizant of what I meant. He knew my memories tormented me, but he pleaded that I keep them. He pleaded for me to take the difficult path and try to accept a difficult part of my life. He knew it was a sensitive subject, so Trevelyan was very careful with his wording. "I asked you to preserve yourself. You're asking me to do the opposite."

"You are not... I'm not asking you to detract from who you are. I'm asking you to let your original memories return to you. They wouldn't detract from who you are... they're a part of who you are. Or rather they were yours before the Council mind-wiped you. Before they infused your mind with a new set of memories. False memories. A life you never lived."

He looked at me as if insulted. "You once told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of who the Council made me into. Are you saying I don't matter?!" Then he looked at me as though I deeply hurt him. "How dare you?" He spoke very calmly. "How dare you?"

That calmness in his voice really intimidated me. When someone doesn't react 'normally,' it means they've gone beyond the point where they should attack you. I also didn't mean it in the way he assumed. "No, I don't mean the false memories..." Then I gently held him by the shoulders. "Alex... I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever known. It makes no difference whether you lived that life where you were a soldier with the Republic or whether you were the Dark Lord of the Sith. I would never ask you to forget who you are. You are Alex Trevelyan... and that's who you'll always be." Before he could object again, I continued. "But you have to accept that you were once Darth Revan as well. You may think that you would never become like that person, but you did." We each held our tongues to let that sink in. I had to tell him why I needed him to accept the truth.

When he was ready, he gave me an excuse. "Revan is too dangerous to return. I'm not doing it because I'm a coward... it's for the sake of you, the Jedi..." He sighed, knowing that he was also doing it out of cowardice. "...and myself."

I shook my head, unwilling to accept such a wrong reason. "Revan would not return... you would not die... you would change the same way you would through real experiences... by getting back your real memories. Are you saying you would cling to your false memories and ignore your real memories? The ones you actually got through living your life? The ones that you've only forgotten? Can you seriously tell me that you're doing the right thing?"

He dropped his head in guilt. I knew I got through. Then he looked at me again. "You know that Revan likely would have hated you?"

"But you, Alex Trevelyan, have a different opinion for all life. If your feelings for me are genuine and deserved, then they won't change. If not... I can live with that."

He dropped his jaw as if I just implied that I didn't value his feelings for me. "You can live with that?" I felt an extreme surge of anger building within him. "I saved you, brought you here, forced the Council to take you back, stood by you when no one else would... and none of that matters?! If it weren't for me, you would have died in that tomb along with Uthar! How dare you?!"

Just when things couldn't get worse... they got worse. Neither of us could sense Master Vash outside, as we were both distracted. Why she was outside... I didn't know. I just barely sensed her only a few seconds before she entered the chamber. I was still in my underwear, so it was going to be very difficult to explain what was going on.

She clearly would have sensed us, but acted surprised to see us regardless... probably just to be formal, she played along. "Oh... I didn't expect to see either of you in here."

Trevelyan forgot about our issue and turned to the Jedi Master, trying to conjure a good explanation... only to find he couldn't think of one.

Of course, I was good at not being caught. He was quite surprised to see me fully clothed... I just grabbed something and put it on in the few seconds before Vash walked in. "Oh, I'm just getting advice on Jedi robes. I know that they're designed for function, but I'm looking for something that at least looks half decent."

When Vash came towards me, she had this look in her eyes which made me wonder whether she knew about Revan and me. There's always that concern when maybe the person's just studying your outfit. "That one isn't really suited for combat. It's a more formal kind of garment. I would suggest..." She turned around and searched for one robe in particular. It was the only one with white leather and nylon. She took it off the hanger rack and handed it to me. "...this one?"

Even without having tried it on, I could tell that was the one for me. It was just so beautiful... easy one the eyes and functional. I just held it and marveled at the design. "I should have asked you... it would have saved me some time."

Revan rolled his eyes back, clearly irritated with me. I wondered if a part of him would have wanted me to be caught without any clothes on. He probably was thinking that.

When Vash saw I was satisfied, she turned to Revan. "Actually I came here because I needed to speak with you. Unless there's something else going on here that I'm unaware of..."

He almost seemed glad to have an excuse to leave. "No, no. I think she's happy with that one." Referring to the robe. "I think that she would like some privacy while she changes."

* * *

Author's comments:

I have not progressed the story very far in the last five chapters. I realize that I should have made it short and sweet, but really wanted to show how happy Yuthura was before the last chapter. I wanted to give the reader a sense of accomplishment only to be taken away by learning of betrayal. Yuthura has never been betrayed so badly as when she learned that the Council were hiding her true abilities.

Frustrated with them, Yuthura suddenly is presented with a dilemma: either accept the way things were, or accept responsibility to change things. She had decided to make change happen.


	33. Responsibility

"I don't understand. What you intend to do... it almost sounds like revenge." Alfred expressed with great concern.

"Zez Kae Ell said that the Council was willing to get rid of me because I represented something that challenged Jedi beliefs. If the Force depends on how an individual uses it... rather than there being a light or a dark side... then the Council was actively defying their own code." I replied.

"What do you mean?"

"There is no ignorance. They've refused knowledge. All I intend to do is discover what they've refused to accept, themselves. Then I would pass it on to others to do with as they choose."

He shook his head with concern. "If you do that... if you attempt to teach Potentium among the Order... the Council would do whatever it takes to stop you. I know it's extremely hypocritical of them, but that's the way things are. You shouldn't try to challenge them on this... you may have justice on your side, but you would lose."

I smiled very confidently. "Revan was able to challenge the Council and he was only one man. How did he do it? He couldn't influence them, so he targeted their followers. He earned enough trust and respect to make them go against everything they were taught. That is how I intend to challenge them."

"Yuthura... I think you're trying to bite off more than you can chew. You speak of earning respect as if it's something anyone could take. It would involve..."

I interrupted. "I intend to set an example for the Council. As of yesterday, I'm never going to drown myself in alcohol again. I'm wearing the robes that are specified. I have covered my tattoos for the moment and will soon have them removed."

He smiled at my meager accomplishments. He likely expected that I am taking everything too lightly... I knew that becoming a role model required an extreme level of sacrifice, but considering what I was able to accomplish in a day, I was off to a good start. "That's great to hear, but it's much more than that..."

"I know what has to be done. I've only scratched the surface, but I'm determined to do what it takes to save the Order. If the Council can't do what must be done... then it's up to me." I declared.

He rested his head upon his fist. "Why you?"

"Because no one else will."

He looked down with great sadness. "How can I help?"

I shook my head. "I'm telling you this so that you are braced for whatever may happen because of me. I would not ask you to get involved."

He scoffed. "I'm already involved."

I shook my head again. "Alfred, I was never your burden to bear. I know your feelings for the High Council and the chain of command. I know you desire no part in this... so don't."

He stood up and got behind my chair to rub my shoulders. I was under the impression that he was trying to relax me before delivering bad news, but he was just comforting me. "When the Council excused Atris for provoking you into a fight, I was angry that they would excuse something like that. I encouraged you to let it go because there was nothing to gain from fighting the Council on the issue."

Before he could continue, I told him that this was the same thing. If I were smart, I would just let the issue go and continue with my life.

He got in front of me to enforce his next point. "This is 'not' the same. It is one thing to excuse the guilty, but to punish the innocent is another."

I smiled at the irony of his reason. "But I was not exactly innocent... was I?"

He nodded, eventually managing to smile. "You may have been a Sith, but you genuinely wanted to return and the Council would've rejected you one way or another. I wouldn't have stood for that." Then he crossed his arms. "If I can help you to stop crimes such as this, then I'll do it."

"You would seriously support me on this?"

"As long as it's in the best interests of the Order, then yes. If I don't agree with your practices, then I won't." He stared at me for a long moment. "If you go against what I believe to be right... I will stop you. Is that fair enough?"

I nodded.

"So what do you intend to do next?" He sat down across from me.

"In about an hour, I'll have to report to the hanger and spend the next day traveling to AR 159. I need to collect some reading materials." I said.

"Is there anything I could do for you while you're gone?"

"If you could... I'd like to find out about other activities that the Council has kept silent. I would like something to back my claims if they have done something illegal or immoral."

"You're asking me to obtain classified materials and give them to you. Isn't that stepping over the line?" He asked.

"If there is proof of other crimes, then they've already stepped over the line. Don't Jedi have the right to know what their masters are doing?"

"If you resort to activities such as this, you would be acting just as the ones you say are corrupt. It doesn't matter if they are guilty or not... I don't have the right to reveal classified info." He raised his hand to keep me from objecting. "But... that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to point you in the right direction if I find something. There are sources other than the Jedi archives where you can get what you need. Otherwise, I will not abuse the privileges I was given as a Master. I will not give you access to classified materials. Is that fair enough for you?"

I smiled. "Thank-you."

"Master Zez Kae Ell is still here. He won't leave for Nar Shadaa until tomorrow, so if you need to ask him any more questions, you should..." He was interrupted by the door chime. "Enter!"

The door slid open and Trevelyan slowly walked in and stared at me with... I think embarrassment. "Am I interrupting?"

Alfred welcomed him in. "Please come. Would you like some tea? Water?"

"I was hoping to speak with Yuthura."

"I could step into the hallway if you like." Alfred suggested.

"It's alright, Alfred. I think we can bring this to a close." I said.

Alfred saw the discord between the two of us, but didn't say anything. "There is one last thing." He walked into the bedroom to retrieve something and came back within a few seconds with my old lightsaber in his hand. He put it on the table in front of me. "I want you to take this. If you're going to the front lines, you should carry another in reserve. I even refitted it with a violet crystal. I know how much you hate tradition. Besides, yellow never went well with your purple skin."

I stared at the old weapon for a few seconds before picking it up and igniting the blade of purple light. After disengaging it, I embraced Alfred one last time. Trevelyan was in the corner of my eye and he smiled at the sight of a master and his apprentice sharing a tender moment. "Thank-you. I will see you again in a few days."

After letting go, he stared at my face for a moment to appreciate how I will look once the tattoos are removed forever. We nodded and I turned to walk out the door with Trevelyan leading the way.

Once it slid closed, I stood with my arms crossed and waited to hear what he had to say.

"Can we speak in a more secluded area?" He said.

"I would like to know what you intend to say first. What is this about?"

"Why do you want Revan's memories to resurface? Why did you not speak of this until now?"

"Because I didn't know you were actively keeping the memories from returning... genuine memories. I've always thought of you as Alex Trevelyan because that's the only life you've ever known. You are just as much a person as Revan was, but you have to face a fact. You would be better off to have your genuine memories in addition to your false life."

He shook his head. "Revan was an evil man. I don't want to think or act as he did. It's not..."

"If you had lived his life..." I sighed in the frustration of trying to explain it to him. "Alex... you had lived his life. You had come to believe the same things that Revan has. What troubles you more? Is it that know know you've gone down that path and could again? Could it be that Revan had good reasons for what he did?"

I just touched a nerve and he looked like he was going to hit me, but I didn't flinch... I knew he wouldn't go that far.

I tried to get closer to him, but he stepped back. "Why does this upset so greatly?"

"Can we discuss this somewhere other than the hallway?"

I nodded.

* * *

We went back to his quarters and I suspected that I was going to be thrown out again. After sitting down across the table, he stared at me... almost with contempt. I could understand why he would, but I hoped he would come to see reason.

"This isn't the best time to leave off with an unsettled personal issue. We need to have our minds clear when we depart with the rest of the Jedi. I'll just say what's bothering me... when I warned you that Revan's memories could lead me to despise you... it didn't seem to matter. I couldn't believe you could think in such a way... I couldn't believe you'd disregard everything I had done for you."

I looked deep into his eyes as I spoke from the bottom of my heart. "Do you really think I would forget a little something like the man who went to unreasonable lengths to rescue me from the Sith and myself? Do you think I would spit in that man's face?"

"You didn't say it directly, but yes. How did you say it? If I genuinely loved you, then nothing would change that? If not, then it's all the same to you?" He scoffed in disgust. "I want the truth... why do you want my memories of the Dark Lord to resurface?"

I stared at him for a moment as I tried to understand it, myself. "Act for what I know is right, even if it leads to my death. That was the oath you asked of me. It's what I believe is right."

He looked at me as if I lost my mind. "How can you, of all people, possibly think that?! Why would you ask it of me?!"

I stood up and shouted to get the point across. "Because the Council didn't have the right! They didn't have the right to take your memories from you in the first place!"

We each stared at the other, not sure how to make of my reasoning.

I continued, calmer this time. "Revan didn't die when Malak fired in your ship... it happened when the Council wiped your mind. They are your real memories and I don't want to see you... incomplete."

He dropped his head in doubt. "It's nice to know how you think of me."

I shook my head, close to tears. "I don't think less of you for clinging to a fantasy life... after your mind was wiped, you had nothing else to go on." I stood up and got on a knee beside him. "Now you have real memories and you're refusing to accept them. True memories that you should never have been denied." I looked at Revan to plead for him to do the right thing. I wrapped my hands around his to show how much I cared for him. "On Korriban, you showed me truths that I had forgotten. Not once have I been upset that you showed me what I had become. Now I'm asking if you're willing to do the same. Revan torments you, but you forget that you were once Revan. Doesn't it frighten you that you are afraid of yourself? It's painful, but I think it would really help you to learn of yourself. Only then would you be able to understand why you became the Dark Lord in the first place."

He sighed as if he wanted to deny what I asked, but couldn't. "You know the Council wouldn't like that?"

I just stared at him to silently say that I wouldn't accept anything other than 'yes.'

He nodded. "But I can't deny who I was anymore. It's never been a matter of 'if' I could fall... I had." He stared forward. "But if I do... it would mean waking up a different person... a second time."

I shook my head again. "We are never the same from one moment to the next. If the memories should gradually return, you'd change as if you just lived a little more each day."

He gave me an unconfident smile. "I hope you're right about that." He looked at the clock. "We've still got about an hour before we need to depart. We should be ready by then."

I stood up and answered. "I'm already prepared. I've nothing planned until then. Are you ready?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Pretty much."

I gestured to the bedroom.

When he saw the implication, he just couldn't figure how we could go from fighting intensely to suddenly sharing each other's flesh again. "We just did it last night."

I shrugged my shoulders. "It's just a little fun. Would you rather read a book? If you don't want to, then I'd understand."

The expression of his face was... amusing. I knew he wanted to, but he just wasn't quite sure whether it was right or not. His instincts told him to back off, but his animal instincts were telling him to tear off my clothes and jump in the bed with me.

When it seemed as though his mind were about to break, I grabbed him by the collar and swung him towards the bed. "We've only got an hour, buster."

* * *

What Revan and I did together was little more than giving in to the weakness of our flesh. I knew that seducing him was very animal of me, but it didn't seem to bother me. There I was with one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy rolling around like a pair of kath hounds, yet it was probably the most exciting thing in the galaxy. With only an hour to ourselves, we used it to its fullest.

There was a saying that the more you were intimate, the less special it was... I learned long ago that was nonsense! For Alex Trevelyan, that was only the third time he shared his flesh with another. I had no idea how many times it happened to me... how many times I had been raped on Sleheyron. Then there were those times I prostituted myself on Korriban to advance my rank. As Trevelyan climbed off me, I couldn't help being reminded of the way Uthar would not stay in the bed once it was over. As he started getting dressed, I couldn't help wondering why it was so different from all the times before.

Maybe because it went beyond our flesh. That was the first time where I felt I could share both my flesh and spirit so perfectly with another. But why?

That was probably the first time that I ever just looked at him and realized how different we were from one another. I couldn't help but noticing the resemblances... former Sith turned back to the lightside. But there were more differences than similarities. There I was, paralyzed by the excitement, while he was up and about. It was odd because of how much I had done it and how new it was to him. I remembered all those times when I hated having a male's... he didn't know what it was like. All his memories as Darth Revan were erased while I forever had mine. A human and a twi'lek... I almost wished we were of the same species.

"Yuthura... get up." he commanded.

"I'm coming." said I.

A moment later, he took the blanket and yanked it away. He probably would have claimed it was to get me out of bed, but I knew he just wanted to get another glimmer. Still he was right; we had a schedule to keep.

* * *

After collecting my gear, I reported to the hanger with less than five minutes to spare. Masters Kavar and Vash were waiting near one of the ships. I had trouble recognizing the faces of my team members, which was why I had trouble finding them. I was looking for Master Vrook, but only saw those two masters. The entire hanger was alive with activity, so it wasn't easy to find my group. They weren't gathered and standing around in one place, as I could see other Jedi gathering crates of supplies for loading into the ships.

Master Vash didn't have to be told; she knew I didn't get the latest report. The instant she saw me, Vash paused her conversation with Kavar and came up to me. "You're late."

"It's 11 hundred hours." I answered.

"That's the departure time. You were expected here fifteen minutes ago." Before I could object, she continued. "That was explicitly stated in the updated mission instructions." She took out a data pad and brought up a page with an updated copy of our mission briefing. "You were probably too busy to get around to checking, but our original mission for AR-159 has been scrubbed and we're improvising a new one. This is now a humanitarian effort." I briefly skimmed through the data pad and saw the changes almost as quickly as she snatched the pad back from me. "You can go over the details later. For now, what you need to know is that I've taken over for Master Vrook. You'll be reporting to me."

"Very well." I replied.

Before I could turn to start helping with the loading of crates, she continued with another detail I didn't expect. "And Padawan Senegal will be serving under your advisement... not mine. He'll answer to you, as you'll answer for him. Do you understand?"

Somehow I knew exactly what she said, yet had trouble acknowledging it. Although I agreed to instruct him, I didn't do anything official. I wasn't ready to take him yet; I was going to wait until after our mission was done. After hesitating for a moment, I finally turned around and managed to get just one word out. "What?"

She cracked a small smile. "Padawan Senegal has volunteered to go with us on this mission. We've granted his request."

I just stared, blinking about all the movement I made. "I... told him that I'd instruct him just last night. I was expecting it would be official when I got back. I wasn't planning to take him along."

"Yes. Well... Ross went to Master Zhar this morning and he brought up that issue as well. But when Ross asked to come along as a volunteer, he thought it would be a great way for you both to... try each other out."

I looked across the hanger and saw Ross carrying a box of medical supplies to one of the ships. As he reached the cargo ramp, he caught sight of me. Distracted, the kid stumbled in someone else's way; but then set his focus back onto his task. The boy was probably only 15, yet he had volunteered for a dangerous mission not suited one his age. While still watching him, I brought up another objection. "I thought regulations prohibited Padawans from going into very dangerous situations like this. We're going into a war zone."

She moved beside me and folded her arms over to watch him as he unloaded the box. "He volunteered. His previous master said he was more than capable of handing himself. And we needed all the help we can get. If you wish to start training him, you can begin whenever you're ready. Otherwise he'll serve alongside you."

"Why wasn't I consulted on this?" I asked in protested.

"Ross will not officially be your apprentice until after this mission is complete. Otherwise, I think this would be an appropriate way to determine how well you two would interact before making it official."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I was expecting to have a week before I started with him. AR 159 is not the best place to start training... it would detract from my efforts. I've never been to war, myself. I'm very nervous about this."

She gave me a confident smile. "Ross is not a raw recruit. He can take care of himself, so you shouldn't have to worry too much about his safety."

"Then what's my purpose if he's already got the training down?"

She chuckled almost as if to mock me. "You'd be surprised how much he has yet to learn... and I'm sure you have much to teach him. You may find that he has much to share with you."

Then she walked back to Master Kavar and continued their prior conversation.

Revan had walked by while I had been talking to Vash. He collected his group, which included Master Vandar, around another ship and accounted for everyone. He was a distance away, but I saw him make eye contact with me... likely a silent goodbye. We couldn't do anymore than that in front of these people, so that brief moment was to be our last for a while.

I had never been to war and I felt as I had on Nar Shadaa before I walked into Fasa's palace. I hated to admit it, but I was quite jittery. Had I been with Alfred or Revan, I think I'd have felt much more confident. I knew not what I was getting into, yet I wasn't entering it alone. Having someone else who depended on me to get him through only raised the pressure I would be under.

At least Vrook wouldn't be giving the orders, but I truly didn't know enough about Master Vash to have an opinion. I'd almost wished it were Master Vrook leading us. At least then I would've felt more confident about my situation with Ross. If there were one subject you could have a conversation with Vrook about, it was instructing. He really would've been easier on me because he understood the difficulties involved. He might even have looked beyond my Sith background because of my duty to Ross.

My thoughts were disrupted by an extremely enthused, but familiar voice. It was a surprise because Ross had always been so nervous around me, but his high spirit completely contrasted the way I felt. "Master Yuthura, it's an honor to be serving under you."

Vash got in front to address him. "I'm glad to have you with us, padawan. But you should report to me..." She looked back to me. "...unless a master should take you."

I quickly tired of Ross's expressions of anticipation and anxiety. He gave a very 'puppydog' face, but it didn't work on me. "I'll take responsibility for this one." His facial expression did work, but only because I wanted him to stop. He should've been embarrassed to present himself like that. The boy probably wouldn't have done that if he knew I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

Vash nodded. "Very well. Ross... Yuthura will be under my command, but you will follow her lead. If either of you encounter any problems, you should bring them to me. Are there any questions?"

I felt very uneasy about the whole thing. While going into unfamiliar territory, I had to navigate through the great unknown while making it look like I knew what I was doing. It is said that a leader always knew the answer, even when she didn't... to give confidence to her followers. I tried to keep away from that advice by always trying to have the answers, but I knew so little of war. I feared I would be lying to Ross very frequently during this mission.

He noticed it by my expression. "Master Yuthura... are you alright?"

"What?"

"You look very nervous." Vash commented.

I didn't know if Vash wanted me to admit it or not, but I felt I had to inform the boy that I wasn't prepared. If I couldn't even hide my own concern, I had no chance at setting a good example. "Ross... this is the first time I would be in a war. I seriously wouldn't recommend that you follow my lead. The truth is that I don't have the experience for you to trust in."

He grinned. "Then perhaps I can take the lead?"

"What?" I asked.

Vash stepped in. "Ross has seen his share of war before. If you can't trust yourself, then maybe you can trust in him. Teach him what you know, but remember to listen. This is meant to enrich both of you, not just your student." She extended her hand to both of us. "Good luck to both of you."

After we shook, Ross corrected her. "There is no luck, Master Vash. Remember?"

Shaking her head, she stood by the sentiment. "I beg to differ. I believe in luck. I believe that you can find the right or wrong combination of opportunity, preparation, and confidence... all of which makes luck good or bad. The better prepared you are for the trials ahead, the greater your opportunities can be. It will be up to you to build the confidence you need to work together. Remember that the harder you prepare, the better your luck becomes. Even if your luck does take a turn for the worst, realize that it's better than if you had worked harder to prepare yourself for what you knew was ahead." She directed that last comment at Ross.

I think that was the kind of advice I needed right then. I didn't have the confidence I knew I would need to get through the challenges ahead, but my confidence was something that I had control of. I lacked the preparation, but could rely on Ross for what I couldn't do on my own. Having him may have been the opportunity I needed to get through the end of this war. All in all... I may have been given some much-needed good luck.

I smiled at Ross. "I suppose there's nothing like on-the-job training."

"I'm honored. Thank-you, Master Yuthura." He said with a bow.

"Don't address me as 'master' again. I hate the term."

He looked at me for a moment, believing I just didn't like the formality. Then he connected the term with slavery and regretted using it. "Oh, I'm sorry."

Already, I was frustrated with the boy. He was always sucking up to me and apologizing for minor things that didn't matter. "There is nothing to be sorry for. It's what you've been taught to address your instructor as. I understand that. I'm not going to go berserk at a simple mistake. If you continue to address me as 'Master,' I won't kill you."

He nodded and then bowed again. "Thank-you... uh... how would you like to be addressed?"

I didn't understand why, but I started thinking I would genuinely strangle that boy. Ross seemed so afraid of upsetting me that I needed to hold his hand for everything so far. Hopefully he was a lot better when it came to following orders. I couldn't help noticing how much he reminded me of a slave by the way he spoke. I probably could've called him a kath hound and he'd thank me for it. While that might have been amusing, I remembered how much I hated having the thank Omeesh for all the horrible things he did to me. I wouldn't put Ross through that.

* * *

Author's comments:

A fairly short chapter, but this is one of the more critical ones that will define the rest of the story. When she returned to the Jedi, Yuthura set about just to find peace with herself. After learning about how the Council tried to turn her away, she came to realize it was not the first time the Council acted as tyrants to the rest of the Order. The title of this chapter is to reflect her sense of commitment for bringing about change. If she were unsatisfied with how the Council were going about 'ruling' the Order, then it was up to her to change that. For that to happen, she knew it was up to her to earn the respect of the other Jedi if she hoped to challenge the Council.

I also wanted to emphasize how Yuthura begins to see the one she loves as another victim. Notice how she begins to call him 'Revan'? Because of what the Council did to him, she begins to think Alex Trevelyan is avoiding his old life and begins to have sympathy for the Dark Lord he once was. Although Revan wouldn't have saved her on Korriban, she comes to believe Alex Trevelyan needs to take responsibility for his past actions. Just because he doesn't remember them doesn't change the fact that he had become Darth Revan.


	34. Preparations

Author's Notes:

This turned out to be a rather long chapter that wasn't really necessary to advance the story. I originally had the character of Ross being a typical Jedi student, but I wanted to add more depth to his personality. I originally had a very enthusiastic training session between him and Yuthura, but it was so... conventional. Adding the part with him and Vash was added later to show a propensity for laziness.

Condensed version: Yuthura is told she was assigned a padawan early on because the Jedi were desperate for instructors. She learns Ross is a high potential/low disciplined student. She learns a bit about another character who will be with her on the front lines. I've also been redeveloping sub plots and character development which will come into play later on.

* * *

RS 159 was two days away. After we departed from the Temple, our vessel docked with a hammerhead-class cruiser, where it would take us the rest of the way. Because the ship's passenger capacity was pushed to the limit, we Jedi were given our own quarters to share. Six bunks in one room was a bit cramped compared to Master Vash, who got her own quarters.

I hated how officers and enlisted crew where so deeply segregated when it came to basic amenities. Although the officers had smaller quarters than the enlisted men, they didn't have to share them with anyone else. They didn't even hot-bunk, so at any one time, only about half of the officer's quarters are actually occupied. The average crew member shares their room with as many as 17 other people. Nine bunks with each shared by two people on different shifts makes for very little privacy.

I mean... I understood that officers deserved better accommodations than the enlisted men, but I could barely tolerate staying in that small room with five others. I would've considered my own quarters to be a paradise compared to the cramped conditions of three bunks stacked neatly and efficiently with only enough room to get to the beds. Of course I knew officer's quarters were just ridiculously luxurious compared to the enlisted men. For ten officer quarters, they could've used the space for 100 crew members! They even had their own private mess hall, as if they wanted to be separated from the crew.

Of course, my perception quickly changed when Master Vash told us that she would share her quarters so the rest of us could feel less cramped. She sat down with the rest of us and we came to an agreement as to who would bunk with her. Ross wanted to be with me, but I didn't really want any males in the same room. Although gender wasn't really a big issue among Jedi, Vash decided that it would be me and Belaya with her while the men would have just four in the regular quarters.

I wasn't too thrilled when Belaya declined the offer, insisting she would prefer to stay in the regular quarters. Vash knew that it was because of me, but for the wrong reasons. It wasn't because I was a Sith, but because Belaya 'intensely disliked' me on a personal level.

In the end, it was Ross and I who would share the room with Vash. There was only one bed, but we improvised with a pair of inflatable mattresses taken from the supplies we're to deliver. We had to sleep on the floor, but it was a lot better than sharing the room with the others.

After making ourselves at home, Vash laid the ground rules. "Remember that these are my quarters. Although you'll sleep here, they'll be open to the others as well. If any of them should need solitude or for meditation, you will let respect their needs. All of us have free access to the officer's mess hall. The captain... respectfully asked us not to enter the bridge, or any other restricted areas without an escort. He has nothing against Jedi; he just prefers we not get in the way. We're not members of the crew; we're passengers..."

All that sounded like the kind of thing the others should have been told, yet she told just the both of us. I instinctively interrupted. "I'm sorry, but shouldn't the others be included in this?"

"They already know. I'm telling you two because I know you hadn't read through our revised mission instructions."

Ross jumped in. "Hey, I read through it."

She looked to Ross with that overconfident look I always hated. "All of it?"

"Yeah."

She folded her arms across her chest, quite sure of herself. "What other restricted location did Captain Reynolds mention by name?"

He looked at her, unsure of his answer. "Engineering?"

She looked to me as though to give me a gesture. I wasn't quite sure what it was. Then she asked him another question she knew he'd get wrong. "And what of any Padawans? Any special instructions?"

When he didn't answer, I couldn't help wondering why she was questioning him. Then his silence made me wonder more why he didn't know the first answer. The engine room just sounded like the logical guess. That and the bridge were really the only two areas on a starship where a person could really get in the way of operations.

After he couldn't answer, she told him. "Padawans are to remain in the company of the master at all times unless..." Vash looked to me, breaking with the captain's quote for gender purposes. "...she makes the proper arrangements. Children are not allowed to roam about the Akagi. Jedi are not exempt from this rule."

Ross looked away, trying to come up with an excuse for why he didn't know. He clearly wasn't willing to take responsibility for his incompetence and would have done better to remain silent. "I already knew that. I was going to follow Master Yuthura anyway."

"The point is that you didn't read through your mission briefing. That's something which is expected of children, but you're not a child." She reached into a bag he brought aboard and took out a data pad to give to Ross. "You wouldn't want to make a bad impression on your master. Take responsibility."

As he sorta looked at me, he could tell that only one of us were being scolded. "I didn't have enough time to read it all. I was accepted just this morning. I mean... even Master Yuthura hadn't read through it."

"She had read through yesterday's mission briefing... the one of which she wasn't informed had changed until recently. She knows she's unfamiliar with the content, which is why she's listening now and not making excuses. Yuthura knew that she was expected to check in with Master Vrook this morning, where he would've told her of the change. She asked me to brief her about our new objectives. Since you seem to know what we're doing, why don't you join the others for lunch in the mess hall?"

"But I'm not allowed..." He started.

"We're expected to have a formal meal with Captain Reynolds and some of his crew in several minutes. I'll try not to keep Yuthura too long." She gestured him to get a move on it. "You'll be expected there, go."

Ross looked very uneasy, but he took a bow and slowly walked out. All while looking at me for something. He probably was hoping I'd follow, give some parting words, or something else. I didn't know what Vash wanted, so I just remained silent.

When the door closed behind him, I let her speak first. "Ross has very high potential for a Jedi, but he lacks discipline. I've found him to be brilliant, but he's got a propensity for laziness. That was the reason we assigned you two a month ago. We thought you would've whipped him into shape... no pun intended."

After a rather long pause, I finally came to realize what they may have intended to dump on me. "Why was I never consulted about this? I mean... you don't just assign a padawan to a master just like that."

She gestured for me to sit down beside her on the bed. Although she sat down, herself, I remained standing. She waited a brief moment, but then shrugged her shoulders and continued. "When the Council reversed its decision to promote you to a full Jedi last month, we meant it for your own good..."

Hearing those words filled me with a burning rage. That was probably the same excuse that they used when they tried to restrain my true powers, years ago. And there she was telling me directly that it was for my own good. I hid it as best I could by clenching my fists behind my back, so much that I could hear the cracking of my knuckles.

Vash didn't have to hear the cracking sound to know that those words weren't received well; I didn't try to hide my emotions from her. She then spoke more briskly than before, as if to calm me before I could get any predisposition. "We were eager to get you instructing again. We didn't realize until after the accident that we pushed you too quickly and it nearly destroyed all the progress you've made since returning to the Order." She looked away, trying to remember what had happened after that. "I advocated that instructing might have been exactly what you needed then, but the other masters felt we couldn't risk assigning a padawan to a master who wasn't ready."

It took a moment for the news to sink in, but it seemed to make sense. No one in the right mindset would invite having memories erased, so it wasn't like I was right for promotion then. "Why didn't you just tell me? I hadn't heard about any of this until yesterday."

"We felt the last thing you needed then was to learn about all this. We really don't have to power to force a student on a Jedi, so we preferred to just keep the knowledge to ourselves. The unfortunate truth is that we're desperately short on qualified instructors that we're resorting to... less favorable options. Now, anyone who we believe qualifies has the responsibility of training a student."

I made a humming noise to express acknowledgment. "Why was I given Ross? You never even asked me if I had someone else in mind."

"Because he seemed the best match for you. He's capable, but his last master was too easy on him. His lack of discipline has put him at the bottom of the waiting list for another master. We moved Ross up because he was so close to completion, but the only one available to train him was you."

I let out a false chuckle, probably from the convenience of everything. It seemed that I was going to get Ross one way or another. I guess it was good that I decided to take him of my own accord before getting him dumped on me. "So I guess that this worked out exactly as you intended."

"Actually I think it's better. Ross wasn't happy about being assigned to 'the Sith.' After the accident, he protested that he was being treated unfairly. Made a big fuss about deserving better than you. It wasn't until someone who actually knew you shared a few words that his biased perceptions of Sith really changed."

"Who?"

She hesitated for a moment, then took her eyes off me. "When you told Revan you were returning to the Jedi, he sent a message to Dantooine. Part of his report on the Korriban academy included names and details about Sith students who might come to Dantooine. When we were judging your request to return to the Jedi, we saw he had written some very favorable things about you." When it seemed she was lost in thought, Vash clearly felt much guilt in what she was doing. To avoid the lies, she just skipped to the truth of the matter. "Master Zhar gave Ross a copy of that letter. After that, he thought of you much differently. He'd always assumed you were a slave, but never realized why you were always so closed to others."

"Can I see this letter?" I asked.

Long-drawn conversations had a tendency to end very abruptly. It wasn't long before someone on the Comm system contacted Master Vash and demanded her to report to the officer's mess. Probably for that event we had with the officers for dinner.

I always liked having uniformed officers paying their respect to their superiors. Sith officers had to salute me because I was second head of the Korriban academy and I was told full Jedi were treated with the same respect as officers in the Republic. I had to say I was not very hungry, but looked foreword to sharing a meal with the officers; hear their perspectives.

I gestured her to lead the way. "I'm starved."

Of course it wasn't like that. Before walking out, she smiled at me with some degree of amusement. "No, this isn't dinner. This is the master taking responsibility for the padawan." She bowed to me and turned for the door. "Captain Reynolds lost a daughter to a Sith, so expect him to be harsh towards Jedi. I'll take care of it."

* * *

It turned out that Vash was jerking Ross around by sending him into the officer's mess without a master to accompany him. When he was confronted by an officer, story Vash gave him didn't fly. There was no event and no other Jedi in the mess to vouch for him, so Vash went in and got him out of the jam she put him in. Although it was resolved, Ross was apparently irritated by the way Vash made him confront the consequences of his laziness.

I couldn't help wondering why Vash wouldn't just let me take over as master. By testing Ross like that in front of me, I saw where I should be concerned when it came to training him. Ross did have a propensity for laziness and he might've known enough to confirm a dinner appointment at 3:00 in the afternoon, but he just followed her instructions to the letter.

When Vash returned with Ross, we began his training by going to the ship's cargo hold. It had enough open space to avoid the feeling of claustrophobia. It also had an assortment of items which allowed us to practice with Force levitation.

He and I didn't really have much communication until we were finally out of earshot of Master Vash. Just about as quickly as we were in the hallway, he started mumbling under his breath. "I hate her. I hate her."

I twisted my head over my shoulder and spoke in a jocular manner "You hate her? I thought Jedi were trained to resist such emotions."

"Huh? Oh, no. I didn't say that... I don't."

"Oh. My mistake. I could swear that's what I heard."

As we approached a turbolift, he finally spoke to me about what he was really feeling. "I really don't hate Master Vash. I just wish she wouldn't always be testing me like that. She's always jerking me around, making me prove that I know everything. I mean... I knew there was no event planned for this time, but I just took her word for it that it was so. Is that wrong?"

I turned to look at him directly. He seemed genuinely open to my opinion, so maybe it was best to tell him what he didn't want to hear. "I don't think Vash was just harassing you; I think she was doing it for my benefit."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I think she wanted to make a point or something. I really don't know what was in her mind; she spoke with me while you were away. I think that was what she wanted to... show me."

"If she just wanted to talk to you, she just had to ask and I would have left. She didn't have to play a cruel joke on me." He spoke, mockingly. "Go to the officer's mess. If you had read through that... stupid report, you would have known to question her order." He scoffed and asked. "What was I supposed to do?"

As soon as the turbolift doors opened, two crew members walked out and passed by the two of us. While stepping into the elevator, I told him the truth. "Ross, I think that Vash was trying to make a point to you. You can't just blindly follow someone's orders; you need to think for yourself before acting. However that's not the lesson I think she was trying to teach." When the doors closed, I looked for the button to take us to the cargo hold among a rather long list of destinations.

After he realized I clearly had no idea of the layout of the ship, Ross pressed it for me. "Deck 8, compartment 4. That's the cargo bay."

The little twip spoke, as if correcting me. My tone echoed how much I appreciated his input. "Thank-you."

Another moment of silence was broken by him continuing where I left off. "What was the lesson, anyway?"

He meant what I thought Vash was trying to teach him. "Vash told me you have much potential. From my own observations, I would say you are quite talented and very bright."

He smiled very briefly, but it faded when he saw my stern expression. Ross didn't even have to ask; I knew he would've verbally asked 'yes...'

So I just continued. "She also says you're undisciplined. I have to agree with her on that."

"What, why? You haven't even started working with me yet. Most Jedi complete the trials after about 12 years of training. I'm two years ahead for my age. I come up with ideas that no one else thinks of and am open to new things. My ratings are far above average in..." When he saw that I wasn't looking, the boy stopped making excuses. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disrupt you. I just don't want you to think any lower of me."

When the doors finally opened to reveal the cargo bay before us, I lead the way and continued. "Ross, I've taught many Sith students on Korriban. I've seen more than my fair share of Jedi and dark Jedi over the years. It's difficult to tell which ones would succeed, but I could see which ones were going to end up dead. Some of those students had great promise, but they were had a few things in common. They were arrogant, overconfident, unmindful of their opponents, and unwilling to address their own limitations."

"I recognize that. I know that I'm not as wise as Master Vash. It's not like I think I know better than her, but..."

When he paused, I stopped where we were at, and turned around to hear what was on his mind.

"...Master Vash is always so critical of me. She points at my weaknesses and never acknowledges my strengths. And she always remembers unimportant things such as right now and uses them as proof to make her claim. I mean... it's not like someone's life depended on whether I had to remembered every little detail that a biassed captain, with a grudge against Jedi, had demanded. If it were for something which really mattered, I would understand that. But this..."

I lashed back at him to emphasize the point which Vash couldn't get across. "That's exactly why, because it doesn't matter! Do you really think Vash was just testing your ability to read? I'll bet you anything that if you admitted to not having gone over the written mission briefing, she wouldn't have questioned you. She was just asking that you prove it."

He was startled by my reaction, so he went about more carefully to avoid angering me. "Well I... if this weren't such a small issue, I suppose I wouldn't have been so disrespectful towards Master Vash. But it always is with her. She never lets anything go."

"Ever wonder why?" I was actually quite tired from last night that I really didn't feel like doing a standup lecture. I saw a crate nearby and really wanted to sit on the deck and put my back against it. "If you don't mind, I'd like to sit down for this. You do whatever's comfortable to you."

He took a position in front of me, squatting as if to sit opposite of me; but then stopped there. "Would you prefer me here, or could I sit beside you?"

The way he spoke those words was more like a guy asking a woman than a student speaking to a teacher. I chuckled softly and slid myself a bit to the right. I pretty much knew where he wanted to be. I just hoped it didn't go to the point it went to his head.

When he was beside me, he took the opportunity to look more closely at my face. It wasn't for a moment that I realized he was examining me. "What is it?"

"I'm sorry, you just looked so different without your tattoos. I hardly recognized you without them, not to mention your new robes."

"I still have the tattoos, but I'm not going to wear them in public anymore. I have to keep a certain image, now that I'm a full Jedi." I pulled the collar of my robe away to show some of the tattoos around my shoulders which were not painted over. Only those on my face and neck were not hidden by my clothing. "It's something twi'leks use to change their color, but it's temporary."

After a moment of staring at the boundary between the tattoos and pure violet, he nodded to acknowledge what he saw. "I always wondered why you didn't get them removed. It was like you wanted to maintain the look of a Sith. And you'd never followed the traditions of the Order. When Master Vash had spoken to me of learning discipline from you..."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose that would warp your mind. The truth is that I never considered myself a Jedi. I didn't want anyone to think I was pretending to be something that I'm not. It's not changing one's clothes would change one's personality. I'm a Jedi knight in title only, so don't expect me to act any differently than before. I'll teach you what I know, but recognize that I don't follow the words of the Jedi code in my life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't."

After a long moment's pause, he finally answered. "Yuthura, you give yourself far too little credit. Compared to the other Sith who've come here from Korriban, you've probably had the most difficult transition. Because they were students, they were given the benefit of the doubt; but everyone put you on a short leash. And yet you..."

His choice of words was quite poor. I knew what it was like to be on a leash, but I didn't like being reminded of it. I reacted, but didn't become hostile. Ross was only using a figure of speech.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

I interrupted him. "Look, I appreciate your kind words. But if you respect me that much, then maybe you'd consider what I have to say. What Master Vash just did... it wasn't to play a cruel joke on you; she was trying to make a point. I remember when I worked with you a while back and I have to admit you're bright, but you often didn't know the answers I asked. I remember the 'minor' problem of you describing a tertiary module in great detail when you were supposed to be studying a secondary droid input program." I had originally thought Ross knew more about a subject than he actually did, but I eventually figured out that he only thought he knew it. The problem with Ross was that he may have been brilliant, but he was lazy and overconfident.

He somewhat remembered that day when I was assisting Alfred with a computer programing class. "I'd already had some experience with that kind of thing. I had helped Master Gallup when he needed a backup program for a mainframe computer on Ord Mantell. He used a droid to serve as the backup if an ion discharge were to knock out the..."

"Ross, Ross. I've studied the subject long ago. I know more about it..." My words didn't quite have and impact on him, as he'd already had experience on that particular subject.

I found teaching him would have been difficult if he already had a set of experiences that were beyond my own. I had become quite skilled in computer programming, but I truly had very little experience in the field. That made me wonder what kind of value I could be if he had more experience in the field than I did when it came to teaching him to be a Jedi.

I wasn't one for placing tremendous value in firsthand experience over a person who studied a topic in greater depth. A soldier could face war firsthand, yet know nothing of the politics behind what caused the war. Being in battle would give such a person more credit than me, as I've never been in a war zone. But being a soldier doesn't automatically make him an expert beyond anything other than being a soldier. Unfortunately Ross probably put a lot more value in real experience than in my expert opinion.

Then it hit me. There was one thing of which I had done which he might respect enough to really listen. I taught many students before Ross, so that gave me enough firsthand credibility to get him to really listen to my concerns. "Ross, let me tell about some of the less successful students I've taught on Korriban. I think it would be a benefit for you to know what most of them have done wrong, and what happened because of it..."

* * *

After a few hours of discussion, I felt more confident about this arrangement. Ross was a bit too yielding when it came to concepts we didn't agree on, but I pushed him to try and challenge me whenever he thought I was wrong. Yet there was another side which made him almost as annoying as Atris; he was very opinionated about subjects he knew very little about. He was unwilling to confront his weaknesses. And I had to say he was lazy.

I've seen many Sith who were so powerful that they assumed they didn't have to invest the effort in honing their talents. Those who earned their own prestige were the ones expected to succeed, but just as many did so by usurping others of their accomplishments. Shardan most often came to mind, as his stupidity lead to his demise. I had almost given up on Revan when I saw him give up an artifact to an opponent, but then marveled when Shardan gave it to Uthar. Ross wasn't anywhere near that stupid, but I feared he was the kind who builds his success by comparing himself to others

It was as if he were out to gain my favor, rather than trying to learn and become a better Jedi. When I specifically told him something was incorrect, or merely criticized what he thought was right; he twisted it to fit his convictions. When I expected a simple answer, he'd give me an elaborate web of words with little regard to the question. The kid obviously had spent more time in the library than I have, so he had much to back his opinions.

That may have sounded good - that he had more than just raw talent, but it made my job that much harder. Master Vrook and Master Atris were the most arrogant Jedi I've ever encountered, but at least Vrook had something to back his convictions. Ross actually reminded me much more of Atris because of how flexible his convictions were. He had a lot to learn and to change, but I felt he was worthy enough to have with me. I could think of many benefits that come from having an assistant.

Of course taking a padawan also came with new responsibilities a Sith Master wasn't accustomed to. If Ross were much younger and much less capable, I likely wouldn't have found reason to take him. I hated saying it, but I really was more interested in my own objectives than in training Ross. I felt that it would improve my image in everyone's eyes and earn allies against the Council's hypocrisy. The more students I could train, the more I could influence the Order for the better. And if worse came to worse, I didn't have to 'die' for the boy if I didn't want to.

That last reason was the one which everything hinged on. I took Ross, knowing that I wouldn't take responsibility if he did something foolish. If I wanted to, I could easily abandon him without hesitation, knowing remorse was no obstacle for me. I'd killed many before, but I'd gotten over it. In fact, I felt no guilt for any of the actions I'd done since becoming a Sith. Embarrassment, maybe; but no guilt. I had counted on that to make my job easier, but I had to say I felt less inclined to use the boy I came to know him better. It made me wonder whether it was because I grew to like the kid, or maybe it was because such thoughts were of a Sith.

Although it was not the Sith way to accept weakness either, I'd come to believe I weakened myself by convincing others that personal flaws were strength. I insisted to my new padawan that he tell me when I was wrong. Very much like following the Council blindly, it benefited neither of us if he accepted everything I taught him as fact.

After about four hours of training, I thought that the next best thing for us was to have dinner together and converse on a more personal level. I would've gone over his service record before we left Coruscant, but I wasn't expecting to have along for the mission. I expected to ask him a lot of questions, as well as be prepared for them.

"So how did you become a Jedi?" I asked.

"I don't know that much about my family. I was told my father was a corporate executive officer, but he abandoned us when I was very young. My mother was rarely home; always working to provide for me and my sister. I think she died at about the same time the Jedi found me and Alastria."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Obviously you were accepted into the Order, but what about your sister?"

He was silent for a brief moment, obviously bothered by something. "Yes. Alastria was... much older than me. I don't remember all that much... I was only four of five... she almost wasn't accepted. I remembered that while we were being considered, she wanted so much for us to stay together. I remembered her telling them I was all she had left..."

As Ross drifted into deep thought, I felt the right thing was to let him tell the story naturally; but I really wanted to hear what happened next. "Was she accepted?"

Ross' mind was still elsewhere, but he nodded. "I remembered Alastria saying that I was tied to her... we were very close... but when I was first accepted and she wasn't... she became very bitter towards me. I remember someone telling her that it was required to separate us... I remember her screaming... told me I ruined her life... said some very hostile things towards me." He sighed and then looked up. "I loved my sister and I didn't want her to hate me... so I pleaded for them to take her. I even asked them to give her my place, if it that's what she really wanted. She was accepted shortly after that."

"What happened to her?" I asked, expecting the worst.

"Even after being accepted, she still never wanted to see or speak to me again. I was told she remained with for a few years, but eventually followed Revan to war." He rested his head upon his wrist, staring out into open space.

Hearing that meant that Alastria either died in the war, fell to the Sith, or joined the Sith and then died. Only two had officially ever escaped those fates. I had been told of one Jedi General who'd survived the war, but was Exiled upon her return. Didn't know her name, but I was sure it wasn't Alastria. The only other to escape both fates was me. Ross seemed to realize she was dead, so there was no point in trusting to hope. Still it mattered to know if and when a person died. "Did you ever learn what happened to her?"

He shook his head. "Probably turned to the Sith like everyone else who followed Revan. Or she died in the war... it doesn't matter."

I saw that the subject of Alastria was a wound that hadn't fully healed. As much as I wanted to assure him that things would be alright, I knew that I shouldn't try to give him hope. His sister was not a part of his life anymore and he had to accept that. And it sounded to me that she didn't deserve his sympathy, had she not appreciated how she was admitted into the Order.

Like her, I was accepted into the Order by the willingness of another to sacrifice everything for another. And I found it ungrateful that she would not so much as thank her brother for the chance she got. "Alastria made a choice. You should accept that your fate was not bound to hers. It may sound cold for me to say this, but she never appreciated what you did. You should forget about her and concentrate on your own life. Don't let her get you down."

He stared at me for a moment, irritated. "You're the one who asked me about her. It's still a sore subject... and I don't think about her all the time. I just have always wondered why she hadn't spoken to me since then. Her last words to me... I was only five at the time, but I knew she meant them. And it just bothers me that I'll never know."

"Do you think she wasn't accepted into the Order? That you were lied to?" I asked, assuming it to be another Jedi secret.

He shook his head. "I checked the archives and found a profile of her. I even saw several photos of her while she was training. Her red hair was so dazzling, even in low light. She never smiled, though. There weren't many details about her master, otherwise I would have asked him long ago. When I heard that she turned away from the Order, I became very angry at her... I don't know why... it was like she didn't care." He sighed and looked away, sorting through everything in his head. "My own master didn't know much about her, but he told me there was more about Alastria than I was aware of; that I shouldn't judge her." Then he looked directly at me. "But he said that if there were one thing I should know, it was that she loved me... even if she didn't think it."

Puzzled, I looked away, trying to figure it out as well. "I guess that's the best way to remember someone."

"Yeah, I guess. But it still doesn't explain why she never would have wanted to see me again. Why she never contacted me. I just can't believe she could..." He sighed and then closed his eyes. "There is no emotion..."

When I saw there was no need to pursue the very sensitive subject, I thought the best thing was to change the subject. "So you're training as a councilor, yet I was told you've been in a war zone before. How did that happen?"

It took him a brief moment to come to that answer. "Master Vadim was a guardian. He brought me along so that I could get first hand experience of what it was like on the front lines. He said that it's too easy to make choices when one doesn't know what soldiers have to go through. Only two of the remaining Council had seen the Sith War first hand... Kavar and Vash. Some of them had been involved with the War of Exar Kunn, but Vrook and Vandar were only knights then. Neither of them know the ruthlessness or efficiency of the Mandalorians personally. Vandar had conducted fleet deployments, but it was usually so he could direct Bastila's battle meditation."

I had wondered why Vrook had been replaced on this mission. Ross had answered that question. RS 159 was on the front lines, which was going to involve a direct confrontation with soldiers armed to the teeth. That was actually the first time I ever heard Ross address his former master by name. "You're master seems very wise. Why aren't you with still with him?"

He looked at me, as if to silently ask 'what do you think?'

I nodded, knowing it was best not to go on. "I'm sorry to hear about him. I suppose that there aren't many other... fates, but you'd never said anything of him before."

He turned back to his food and overturned the contents with his fork. "I suppose that's another sore subject I don't like to talk about. We was my third master, but I think he'd had the greatest impact on my life. His teachings were much different from those of any other. He taught me that the Sith were dangerous, but not to think they were evil. After everything he'd gone through, I couldn't believe he'd ever tell me such a thing. He saw more of his friends turn to the Sith than anyone else, but Master Vadim knew they were just as committed to their cause as we were. And that it was more important to understand than to destroy them. It's why we carry lightsabers. Superior training can allow us to fight five enemies, but you can make it a 2 to 4 fight if only one is open to well-chosen words."

"He sounded very wise. I'll tell you that diplomacy is augmented by your skill with a lightsaber. Revan might have defeated me with words alone, but just as important is to have the means to back your words if they land on deaf ears."

He nodded, continuing to overturn the contents on his tray.

Although it wasn't the best food in the Galaxy, I had finished eating my share almost ten minutes ago. Ross was eating his meal so slow that it would be tea time before he finished dinner. I got impatient. "Ross, I need you to finish soon. Others need to eat as well."

"I'm not hungry. As soon as you're ready, let's go."

I insisted that he finish. "You won't get fat if you down all this. And you might not get the opportunity to eat again later, so get a move on it." I gestured to the food on his tray. "Come on; it's better than combat rations."

He took the fork and held something solid over the tray in an unappetizing manner. It was a piece of... something. Although I couldn't identify it, the food was good for the body. "These are combat rations. They just put in some water and heated it up... I've already had my fill."

"A stomach ache is better than stomach cramps... I would imagine you'd have learned that by now."

He stared at me as if I were Vrook, generating the most absurd argument over the most minor issue. When I saw it was only going to agitate him further, I decided it wasn't worth making an issue over. If he said he weren't hungry, then who was I to force him to eat?

* * *

After dismissing Ross for the evening, I told him to return to our quarters. I needed some time to think, so I stayed behind for a while longer. Usually I would've had a glass of Black ale at times like then, but I had left my stash behind. Just as well, I needed to stop drowning myself in it.

There was something very odd about Jedi and other people. There was a perimeter of at least two meters where no people would enter without permission. I sat the end of a large table with a large gap between me and a cluster of Navy personnel who were much more crammed than if they had spread themselves evenly. My closest neighbor and I were too far away to have a conversation without raising our voices, and he frequently looked up to ensure he was outside that perimeter. The seat behind me was vacant as well. And no one had been opposite of me at the table... at least until. "Trevelyan's right about you. You have wisdom, but you have rough edges as well."

My head was fixed almost directly where he sat down, but it took me a moment to realize someone had filled the space directly in front of me. The voice might have been distinguishable enough, but the Mandalorian of whom traveled with Revan was the only one I knew who didn't wear the same armor as all the others. He carried a tray that was stacked with food and carelessly placed it the table, scattering some of it over the table top. He didn't seem notice, nor care as he plopped himself into his seat with about as little grace. He was a sharp contrast to most others, who were very cautious around us, Jedi. That's why I hesitated to acknowledge him. "Canderous? What are you doing here?"

He had already started eating. He didn't swallow what he had already shoveled into his mouth, but it didn't hinder his ability to speak. "Have you ever known a Mandalorian to turn away from a fight? Given the situation of the base we're going to, the Republic needed as many blasters as they could get..." He raised his glass to take a drink, but held it near his lips until he could finish his explanation. "...no matter where they came from."

As I watched the guy eat like some kind of animal, I had been disgusted by his presence. I didn't want him there and wouldn't have let him sit near me if he asked it. If he felt he could just act as he wanted, then it meant he had no respect for me. So I spoke in a very intimidating tone. "Why did you sit there?"

He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "Huh?"

"You heard exactly what I said. Why did you just decide to sit there of all places?"

He looked at me with some odd expression. He stared as though I asked him what two sevens make. Canderous used his head to gesture to the other tables, who were all already occupied. "Maybe because there was an opening here and decided it was better to sit here than to tear some guy's head for his seat. Why? Is this seat reserved? If he has a problem with it, he can take it up with me."

"I did not give you permission to sit there. A Sith would not allow such disrespect."

"But you're not a Sith... or so you claim."

I stared at him with the coldest eyes I could. "Maybe, but you would have to be very foolish to do so without first asking my permission. Or do you think you could just approach a great Jedi and be granted an audience? Walk away from this table."

He stared at me for a moment, a smug look on his face, and then slowly drew his mouth back into a snarl. Canderous then growled in annoyance and shook his head. "Alright! I'm sorry." He then grabbed his tray and glass, twisting his torso about to stand.

I laughed out loud, if only because of the sour look on his face. That guy cracked me up when properly provoked!

My laughter didn't do much to ease his spirit at that moment, as he rolled his eyes back, and then set the tray back on the table when he figured I was just joking. "You know that open threats are not a sign of strength. I'm not impressed."

After I restrained my laughing, I gazed at him in a threatening way. "I'm not here to impress you. I was just told that you weren't intimidated by his power; I just wanted to see if it were so."

He scoffed, taking another quick gulp of water before retorting to my comment. "I'm not stupid. The problem with you Sith is that you always think it's necessary to take up your lightsaber and kill whomever spits in your face. It's only a matter of time before you get into a fight with a superior opponent."

"Or you can get people to do whatever you demand from them. Pain is a good motivator, but fear of pain is often just as good."

He harumphed in an interested manner. "Only if you don't have to deliver on it. Thing is that Jedi have the potential to be feared, but no one takes them seriously. Revan's lack of mercy was what changed all that, but Alex Trevelyan... he's only a shell of his former self. I see it hasn't made you soft. You seem to have the makings of a great leader, but you don't seem to know how to handle authority."

I stared at him for a moment. "What's this about?"

"I saw how you handled that kid. You did have a good point when it came to preparation... then you started acting like his mother."

I frowned at the insult.

"I'm just offering you some criticism. Didn't you notice how he reacted?"

I leaned my head back in frustration. "You know nothing of teaching Jedi, yet you know think you know better than I?"

He shook his head. "I know about leadership and what it takes to make others follow you. You have talent, but you need to understand how to improve your image. If you treat subordinates as equals, you gain respect, but lose authority. You must choose which is more important."

"I was hoping for both."

He took another sip from his glass. "That requires time. The best thing for you to do now is to generate authority is by demonstrating that you know what you're talking about. As you prove yourself, he'll eventually come to trust you implicitly. That's how Trevelyan earned the loyalty of those who traveled with him."

I nodded in agreement. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." Finishing the contents of his glass, he exhaled in satisfaction. "It just doesn't mean I have to answer it."

"If you were under the leadership of one you perceived to be corrupt, would you respect the chain of command, or would you move to have him removed?"

While starting to cut his food, Canderous turned his attention to the tray. "Corrupt is a quaint term. If your leader is the strongest among you, he... or she would have the power to make the rules. Those you command are required to obey their orders, even if they don't agree with them." He took a bite of his food, but didn't start chewing. "They earned their authority because they proved their strength and cunning were superior."

"So I'm required to obey? Don't tell me that you always did as your commander instructed."

He shook his head, continuing to chew without looking up to me. "Not always." He swallowed and then took another bite, not chewing as he spoke. "One of the reasons why Mandalore the Ultimate did so well compared to past Mandalores was that he recognized when to fight. More importantly was that he knew when not to engage in pointless battles. When we began our campaign, there were many races whom my people were eager to conquer. But because we weren't ready to confront them directly, Mandalore had to satisfy those of us who demanded a chance to fight. So he was brilliant in strategically targeting weaker systems and planning battles where our enemy stood no chance for victory. Some criticize his early campaigns against Iridonia, Cathar, and Althir as being overly cautious with his forces; but I know he was more concerned with sending as many troops into battle for minimal casualties."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Every Mandalorian wanted combat experience, so he sent as many as possible into battles where they weren't needed. This allowed for him to manage a self-sustaining war. Any other Mandalore would have ignited a short, but brilliant campaign with a military force which would collapse under its own weight. That's not what he wanted to defeat the Republic, but it was necessary for him to satisfy my people's lust for war." He sat back and folded his arms over his chest proudly. "We didn't know that at the time, otherwise there likely would have been many more who challenged him for authority. Because we all thought we were pushing our campaign as hard as possible, Mandalore earned the trust of almost everyone who served under him."

I gestured him to slow down. He still didn't answer my question. "So what if you were lead by someone who broke his own rules? Are you saying that wouldn't matter to you?"

"There's more to it than that. A leader has the right to do whatever he wants, but that doesn't mean it's in his best interest." He gestured quotation marks with his hands. "The more 'corrupt' he becomes in the eyes of his people, the more people he will have challenging him for command." He chuckled and looked away. "Our last Mandalore was the greatest warrior my people had ever seen, but even he could not afford to be challenged every day by an adversary... it would whittle away at his strength. So he followed the will of our people as much as possible to avoid such conflicts."

"Surely there were times when he acted for his own benefit more than for the benefit of your empire."

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely as you would say. Mandalore had absolute authority among my people, but if he exercised it constantly against the approval of my people... it would only have been a matter of time before he had more enemies than friends. To keep the will of the people behind him, he had to convince us that it was in our best interests to follow his lead. If he had the strength to do it, he could order anything of us. If he didn't, he would eventually be replaced by the one who defeated him. But that doesn't mean his challenger was better suited to lead an empire."

I hummed in agreement. "That sounds exactly like the Sith, but we..." I hesitated, knowing I referred to myself as one. "...they declared that we must all strive to be the strongest and to lead. My master, Uthar, knew the danger of great leaders being usurped by pathetic underlings such as Malak."

He nodded in agreement.

"I'm currently dealing with a problem in the leadership of the Jedi. I don't believe the High Council are going to be able to keep the Order together. I don't have the power to challenge them, but I'm convinced our leadership needs to change. The Jedi within the Order need to realize that they are not controlled by the Council and the Council has to see that they don't have absolute authority over the Order."

"Apparently they do. Most of the Jedi wanted to join Revan and fight in the Mandalorian wars, but your Council overruled them all."

I smiled as I saw a way to turn his logic against him. "Do you think the Council was right to ignore the Mandalorian threat?"

"Of course not. They were fools to ignore us. Your Order would have crumbled if it was not for Revan. He took command because he knew what had to be done."

"So the Council did not deserve the power to command. If you say we should respect our leaders, then are you saying the Jedi were wrong to defy them?"

"No. The Council should have done what was required. When someone moved to replace them, only then did they take action. They fought against Revan, and Revan would have won if it was not for Malak. Malak would then have bested them, had it not been for Revan."

I nodded. "It still has to be done. The problem is that they are too powerful to overthrow. How would I go about doing it?"

He looked at me with what appeared to be newfound respect. "You intend to stand up to them? You, alone... intend to challenge them?" He chuckled and leaned his head back. "Listen, young one... I'd admit that the Jedi need more like you, but even Revan couldn't go about it. You'd have to outwit even the Dark Lord in order to do such a thing."

"I'm not thinking of doing this alone." I looked around to determine if anyone were listening in on our conversation. Then I leaned over the table to whisper into his ear. "I'm trying to get as many Jedi as possible to back me on this. I'm building up my strength until we're ready to cast them down. My question is this: how would I gain the support I need to take them down?"

He sighed and then leaned back, folding his arms again to ask a rhetorical question. "First, answer this: why did so many Jedi support Revan when he broke away from the Order?"

"Because they believed the Council was wrong about the Mandalorian threat?"

"But why was it him they supported?" Then he answered the question for me. "Because Revan earned the respect he deserved prior to our invasion. When he declared it their responsibility to address the threat my people represented, only one fifth of your Order answered Revan's call. After Malachor V, when he became the Dark Lord, only then did he have enough influence to challenge the Jedi Council directly."

"Are you saying that I have to do something so great as that in order to

"Then you seem to know what you must do. Just be aware that many have died trying to take the title of Mandalore. Don't attempt anything until you know you are ready. Until then, you should acquire your strength in secret and you may even do well to turn them against each other."

"You make it sound easy."

"Understanding it is simple. Carrying it out is another matter." He declared.

I looked at him for a moment. "Do you think I could do it?"

"I don't know enough about you to make a judgment one way or another. Trevelyan thinks highly of you, but I don't put that much faith in his opinions anymore."

"Why not?"

He looked at me as if to give me a long-winded story, but I wanted to hear it. "When I first fought by his side, he wasn't a jedi... but he was quite impressive. He didn't have the fighting spirit of a Mandalorian, but I respected his cunning. After he became a Jedi, he was even more capable as a fighter, but avoided aggression whenever possible. In the times that we did get into a fight, I realized that he was two steps ahead of our enemies and always had contingency plans for the unexpected. It was when you saw him in battle that you realized when you think it's your call, it isn't. Our enemies didn't have a chance."

"Was that after he learned his true identity?" I asked.

"Before." He leaned back, folding his arms, intertwining his hands behind his neck, and let his eyes wander. He sighed and thought back to old times. "When he told us who he really was, I had no doubt that it was true. In battle, he seemed almost invincible. As a leader, he commanded respect from all who served him." Then was when his eyes met mine. "He was Revan. And learning that actually made those who traveled with him that much more committed to helping Alex Trevelyan defeat Malak. They felt it was that much more important to help him... redeem himself. He didn't take the news so well. It changed him... again. Don't get me wrong; I still consider Alex Trevelyan to be one of the bravest men I'd ever known, but he's not Revan anymore. He's... confused."

"Yeah. The irony is that in learning how great his potential really was, he's now far less likely to reach it. Trevelyan's in the mindset that he's not Revan and doesn't want to be. He may be a completely different person, but he had become Revan. That's who he was meant to be. Destroying his mind and programing new memories doesn't change the fact that Revan is the true personality. It was stolen from him."

He looked at me, utterly stunned. "I was under the impression that he suffered brain damaged when he was recovered. Are you saying that they took a healthy mind and altered it?"

I really didn't know the answer to that question. Without confirming or denying it, I just stared at him very stoically.

He assumed I silently said 'yes' and was visually outraged. "How dare they? If I had known..." After another moment's pause, he looked back to me. "Even my people wouldn't resort to that. Can the damage be undone?"

In that moment, I realized I may have been going too far. I couldn't be positive that Revan's mind wasn't damaged after Malak fired on his master's bridge. In fact it made more sense to me than that the Council would commit such a crime as that. Still I wasn't convinced such acts were beyond them. They were willing to throw me back to the Sith when they knew my request to return was genuine.

When I finally answered, I did so honestly. "I really don't know. A mind wipe is just selectively targeting a few synapses in the cerebral cortex and you can render certain memories dormant without destroying them. But without knowing which ones to target, there's no telling whether his memories can be restored or not. Only time will tell."

* * *

Thanks for reading.

Canderous was introduced primarily to be a person Yuthura can go to about being on the front lines. I wanted to have her be like a raw recruit and ask him why she felt as such, despite having already risked her life before. I wanted Canderous to describe how an intense fight was different from going to the front lines. Where a life or death engagement was a short and intense burst of energy, warfare was more a matter of endurance. This was to show that Yuthura was a bit raw when it came to warfare.

The conflict between Vash and Ross is based on the way my Father had a tendency to over criticize me and use an incident as proof that he was right. Often, though, he was the one who instigated the conflict because he miscommunicated and didn't realize his part in the conflict. He doesn't do what Vash had in this chapter, but when a conflict happens, he more often puts more focus on showing 'where I went wrong' than in what he/we could have done to prevent it. In this chapter, Vash put Ross in an unfair situation where he would have done the wrong thing either way... you don't question your superiors in the military.

The problem with Ross being lazy is based on me. I consider myself very intelligent... other people do as well. But I can recognize when I'm lazy. Just this last semester, I did a term paper where I should have gotten an A, but ended up doing a C-class job. My instructor knew I knew the material, so he gave me a B, but I know it was because I was too lazy and waited until the last minute. I aim for a B when I could seriously earn an A. Then I end up getting a C. I wanted Yuthura to recognize this and convince Ross that he can't afford to make mistakes which could cost him his life. 'The difference between here and Korriban is that your mistakes don't result in death. I've seen many students like you before and I could tell they were not expected to last long.'


	35. Siege

Dear readers:

I had uploaded the wrong document, but have just noticed the problem. This is the correct version and I apologize for the mistake.

* * *

RS 159 was just a big, dead rock. The planetoid had a thin oxygen/argon atmosphere, making it barely habitable. There was little or no water on the surface, a blazing star overhead during the day, and extreme temperature swings from day to night. It rotated once every nine hours, which made it difficult to keep track of time on planet.

There was almost nothing about that rock worth fighting over. It was just a solid surface which happened to be along an important hyperspace route. Its atmosphere made the planet habitable, but it wasn't favorable for maintaining a refueling depot as a large asteroid. RS 159 was chosen because it was the only terrestrial planet in the system suitable enough to host a refueling depot.

The Republic had established a station during the Mandalorian Wars to refuel and resupply warships which traveled between the Republic Core Worlds and the Outer Rim territory. During the Sith War, it was never a tempting target. Since the Sith advance had proceeded at pace, taking a refueling depot was not on the minds of most commanders. Since the Star Forge was destroyed, it suddenly became a valuable strategic target for both sides.

What were left of the Sith's forces could not hope to break through the defenses of the Republic Core worlds, so they sought an alternate hyperspace route at RS 159. For better or worse, the fuel depot had to remain intact if it were to be of any use to the Sith. An orbital bombardment was not an option, so the battle was taken to the ground.

The RS-159 station actually was not one outpost, but built around a two-module configuration. Because of the planet's atmosphere, the decision was made to use an orbital tether to allow ships to dock in orbit while fuel and other supplies were maintained on the planet. One station on the surface was built solely for the orbital tether, but the foundation of station 'A' was unsuitable for construction of underground fuel tanks. For that reason, a separate structure was built specifically for storing both fuel and other supplies. About a hundred kilometers away from the tether, and linked by pipelines to the tether; station 'B' was just as critical to station operations as the orbital dock.

The Sith had already attacked and took control of the orbital tether, but the Republic maintained control over the storage facility. It was up to us to ensure they didn't capture station 'B.' They had full control over station 'A,' which gave them an advantage over the Republic forces. They could resupply their forces from orbit while we had to launch shuttles for everything.

I actually had been looking out a window at the orbital tether... it was an impressive structure. In orbit was an asteroid which provided the gravitational force needed to keep the structure on the surface from collapsing under its own weight. From the surface, it would look like a massive tube extending into the heavens. Just below the asteroid was a massive docking ring which also served for maintaining the alignment of the tether. It was almost like keeping a thin wire between a satellite and the ground station, but what really caught my attention was the Sith ship docked in orbit.

While the Akagi maintained a geosynchronous orbit, we were face to face with an enemy vessel. Why we didn't engage... I had no idea. We weren't in weapon range, but it surprised me that we would just sit by and let that cargo vessel continue sending down supplies to the surface. I could actually see containers as they were 'dropped' to the surface, which was a bit eerie. Each one of those container vessels probably were loaded with tanks and troops - weapons that we would have to fight after they were on the surface. Why were we just letting them proceed? That wasn't a warship; Akagi could easily take it out.

"We're due in the hanger in fifteen minutes. You really should be there now." Vash reminded me.

I kept staring out the window. "There's a Sith ship docked with the station. It's sending down containers almost constantly. I thought it worked like an elevator."

"It uses an antigravity beam. That's what allows for so much cargo to be moved at a time. That's a journey of about 400 kilometers down. The lifting capacity of the tether is over 5,000 tones. It had to be able to refuel several starships daily during the Mandalorian wars."

"That's a lot of weapons they're transferring."

Vash stood beside me and watched while it operated. "Yes, it is. We tried to keep the Sith from dispatching reinforcements, but they're determined to take the station. It was our hope that we could intercept this ship before it arrived, but..."

"Why don't we?"

Vash looked to me. "We can't... at least not unless they decide to undock and make a run for it. Until then, we can't fire on them without risking damage to the tether. Both sides are determined to take it, but it's a matter of precision. You can't use an overwhelming force without the risk of destroying everything, which is why the Sith haven't been able to take the fuel depot. Its destruction would be devastating to both stations, so we at least have an advantage on the ground. From orbit, all we can do is try and cut them off from reinforcements."

"Why don't we just try and take the tether from orbit? Isn't that what the Sith did when they took it?" I asked.

She shook her head. "We can't take back the station the same way they did. They had a spy who allowed an enemy ship to dock. When they had the orbital station, the ground station didn't stand a chance. If we cut them off from getting reinforcements in orbit, then we stand a good chance of getting it back from the surface."

When I looked down the tether, I could just barely see the two ground installations. They were immense, but we were so high up that it seemed remarkable how much they stood out from the rest of the planet. For all the worth of an entire planet, only that very tiny piece of the surface was all that mattered. The rest was just worthless rock.

And then it made me think about just how massive that single planet could be; it was less than a hundredth of a percent of the system's star. Seeing them from so far back made me think about just how little we were really fighting for. Yet that tiny station down there was exactly what we needed to protect. Because it was only that tiny station on the entire planet which was worth more than everything else in the system. If it were gone, then there would be nothing worth fighting over. If everything else were gone, we would still be fighting for that depot.

When I felt I had a good sense of what we were fighting for, I turned for the shuttle bay.

* * *

Our shuttle set down in one of the depot's hangers. As we flew overhead, I noticed that the station looked pretty beat up. There was extensive damage to almost every structure. I couldn't help noticing the remains of hundreds of enemy tanks outside the perimeter. It looked as though they had endured a terrible battle, but I couldn't help noticing something odd about everything. I was no expert on warfare, but I was surprised not to see any activity that usually came in the aftermath of a battle. I saw no smoke and no activity beyond the walls of the facility.

After landing, we were greeted by several poorly-dressed officers and soldiers. Their uniforms were tattered and dirty. The men looked like they hadn't shaved in weeks. From their posture and the look in their eyes, I could tell that they'd been fighting a lot longer than just a few days. From what I was lead to believe, I thought we were responding to a crisis which had only just emerged.

The commander shook Master Vash's hand. "I'm Lt. Fujita. Welcome to RS 159."

"What's left of it." One of the men added.

"Lonna Vash of the Jedi Order. Where's Captain Broad?" she asked.

"Killed. Five days ago. I'm in command." Fujita answered.

Vash nodded. "We brought the supplies you requested. I was also told that you recently suffered a major attack."

"The Sith recently stepped up their attacks and we've suffered heavy casualties. Captain Broad and over two hundred others died leading a task force to take the battle to the enemy. Most of our defensive positions had long since been taken out... we sent what few of our remaining artillery and missile batteries we had... we need all the help we can get."

"Where do you want your cargo? We've already loaded our shuttles with the medical supplies. We just need to know where to unload it."

Fujita gestured to one of his officers. "Mendoza will show you."

Mendoza looked like he was under a lot of stress. I could see great hate in his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, just what we need. Heal us, give us new uniforms, power cells, and we're taken care of." He went up and yelled at Master Vash. "Don't you know we need to get off this rock?!"

Fujita got between them. "Keep your place!"

I saw so much anger in Mendoza's expression. It was like he was so full of anger and hate, but had to respect the chain of command. "I'm sorry, Master Jedi." He gestured to somewhere outside. "We have two other locations where we would like for you to drop off the medical supplies and food. Ammunition, spare parts, and any weaponry should be taken to the freight loading sight."

Vash turned around and addressed one of the other Jedi. "Hayashi, go with Mendoza. Try and organize the deliveries according to priority. Get the medical supplies first, then bring in the other equipment as they request it." Vash then turned to the rest of the group. "I want everyone here with medical experience to help tend to the wounded. Report to the medical stations and give them as much assistance as you're able. Yuthura and Belaya, I want you to lend your aid to the mechanics and repair personnel. There are several pieces of equipment which are damaged and in need of repairs. I want you to follow the wish list of spare parts which was provided. Try and get as many vehicles armed and operational as you can."

Fujita turned to the rest of us. "I'm assigning an escort to each of you. They will give you whatever assistance you require." He gestured to his men. "You four will take the Jedi to the medical stations." He gestured to the other two. "You two, help them coordinate their efforts with the repair personnel. Master Vash, I assume you want to be shown around the base?"

Vash nodded and then turned to us. "You all know what to do. Follow your escorts... they all know the base better than we do. We're here to help these soldiers. They're going to be looking to us for hope. We're here to remind them that they're not alone. Do your jobs, but be prepared for battle. If and when an attack comes, we will be expected to lead them. Dismissed."

* * *

The entire group dispersed and I was left with Ross, Belaya, and our two escorts. Within the hanger were several vehicles that were in need of repairs, but with no one tending to them. "What do you need me to do?" I asked one of our escorts.

"Our system for repairs and maintenance has broken down to repairing whatever is damaged using whatever's available. We have a few fighters here that are in desperate need of work, but the mechanics don't have the parts to get them airborne. I hope you have better luck with them than our mechanics."

I nodded. "I could take a look."

The second escort added, "We also have some speeders and artillery in another hanger if you need me to show you. They're also in desperate need of repairs."

Belaya volunteered. "I'll see to them."

When she and her escort headed out, I and Ross took a closer look at the air fighters. Most seemed to be intact, but I looked very closely at one that was missing an engine. "Tell me... do you have any experience with repairing something like these?"

Ross shrugged his shoulders. "Afraid not. I've worked with speeder bikes. Droids. Nothing like this. Do you?"

I shook my head. "A fighter is too complex for any one person to repair everything, but I do have some skill with the computer systems... remember?" Examining the underside of the engine mounts, I looked to see if there was an engine nearby. "With some spare parts and a team of mechanics, maybe we can get some of these flying. In the meantime, I think you should go help Belaya. Odds are that they would have swoop bikes or some battle droids in need of maintenance. I'll see if I can find someone who knows how to work with these."

He nodded. "What should I do if we come under attack?"

"Defend yourself first. If you can help others, protect them; but don't enter combat unless you must."

"Yuthura, I'm more than capable of defending myself. If a battle should erupt, I will engage the enemy. That's one of the reasons why we're here." He reminded me.

For some reason, that reminded me of what Canderous told me earlier. I realized that I had to trust Ross to take care of himself and trust in his ability to protect others. As much as I would have preferred not having him as a liability, I had to trust him to know when and how to engage the enemy.

I put my hand on one of his shoulders. "The soldiers will look up to you for hope. Your first priority in a fight is to protect them... understood?"

"Yes. I'll do my best." Then he bowed and went to catch up with Belaya. I told the last escorting soldier to take him there. That just left me alone with about six aircraft in the hanger... none that fly. Their hulls were riddled with battle wounds, eaten away by corrosion, built up with tarnish, and some just needed to be completely reassembled. I didn't know if I could repair even one ship, but I knew I had to try.

I examined the remains of one fighter and had been surprised to find it collecting dust. It probably would have been rusting, had there been any water to oxidize the metal. This fighter wasn't just damaged, it appeared to have been out of commission for weeks... maybe months. When I looked at the others, I saw the same thing. None of these ships were flyable! Why had they just been sitting in the hanger when they were needed for battle?!

As I looked around, I found that I wasn't alone - at the end of the hanger were about twenty mechanics who were on duty. Of them, only six were actually working on one of the fighters, which looked almost battle-ready. The rest were just watching. Why were those lazy **** just wasting time when there was more than enough work to be done on the other fighters?

I walked over and shouted at the ones who were sitting around. "I don't know if you're aware of it or not, but there is a war in progress and we're going to need these fighters in the air. Why aren't you working on them?!"

A female human turned away from her work and defended their actions. She didn't hesitate to step up to me. "Excuse me, Master Jedi, but we're waiting for replacement parts to come in. We've only enough to resume work on one fighter so far. And there are only so many who can work on any one of these at a time."

"These ships have been just sitting here for weeks! Don't tell me that you haven't ordered the parts you needed!"

"We had. We've only just received one crate loaded with tools we needed; the rest are yet to be delivered. They're delivering the medical supplies and other supplies first. We're waiting for the rest of the parts to arrive."

I was still not satisfied with that answer. "No, I mean why are your stores empty? You're supposed to have enough parts on hand and order replacements before your stores are gone."

"I'm sorry, but we hadn't been resupplied in over three months. We've been doing our best to make use with what we've had available."

My anger did not diminish, but it was no longer directed at them. It was the moron that didn't provide those people with what they needed. I calmed myself down and spoke in a normal tone. "Three months?"

Another mechanic stood up and confronted me. "We were told that the Republic's forces have been stretched thin and we tried to make due with what we had. We repaired ships that otherwise should have been scrapped. Salvaged what we could from any wreckage we could recover, but there was only so much that we could use."

"You had to salvage wreckage?!" I almost shrieked.

He answered. "We had nothing else. We were able to repair nine fighters that otherwise would have been scrapped, but two of them went down because of defective parts. Captain Broad wouldn't let us repair what few we had left... we couldn't assure that our repairs could ever bring these back up to code." He gestured to all the ships. "None of these would be acceptable for combat under normal circumstances, but there are only seven with their airframes still in tact. Most are made up of parts we cannibalized two or three times from other crashed fighters. If this were a perfect galaxy, they would scrap everything and give us 24 new fighters."

I realized that those mechanics actually had been put in a difficult situation and were struggling to keep as many of the fighters airborne as possible. They didn't deserve to be yelled at. "I'm sorry. I know that you're doing your best, but I don't believe we brought any T-35's to replace the ones you lost. Most of our cargo are basic necessities."

The woman gestured to someone approaching with a large cargo container on the back of a hover tractor. "I know. They said our forces were stretched thin in this sector. All that we could hope for were for a fresh supply of new parts. Still, it would be great to install a JP233 engine without having to tear it away from a piece of wreckage." She went up to the soldier who delivered the box.

One of the mechanics was a male Zeltron who stood beside and smiled at me. As she dealt with the paper work, he explained why getting a cargo container seemed to make his day. "You must think we're crazy, but it's been so long since we got new parts. Unwrapping the packaging to a new part for us is almost like unwrapping presents. As a pilot, I know I appreciate them."

I turned towards him. "You're a pilot?"

He extended his hand to me. "Ensign Callista. Nice to meet you, Master Jedi." Then he gestured to the woman who confronted me. "That's our chief mechanic Lavonna. She prefers Natasha."

I smiled and accepted his hand. "Yuthura Ban. I wouldn't have expected..."

"That a pilot would be willing to get his hands dirty? Or that he would be working alongside people who give him his wings?" He gestured to his aircraft, which was the one they were working on. "No one really appreciates the work they do, but I've seen what happens when you install defective parts. One of my buddies was lost because the primary cooling circuit of his engine exploded... something that should've been discarded if it were damaged. Rector felt responsible because he had been the one to install it."

Natasha, after completing the paper work, turned around and shouted what part they had received. "Listen up! We now have three new gyrostabilizer packages to install." She looked to one of the mechanics with an arm wrapped in a sling. "Fritz, you're our electronics expert. I'll trust you to assign anyone sitting around to installing those systems. I may pull the crew from fighter six when the avionics are delivered, so keep that in mind."

"Understood." he replied.

Natasha turned her attention back to me. "If you'll please excuse me, Master Jedi. We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

"Is there anything that I can do to help? I have some experience with computer programing. Or if you need some heavy lifting done, I'm your Jedi."

Natasha looked back again, wheels turning in her head. "Now that you mention it, that's exactly what we need right now. Our cranes have been out of order since a Sith missile destroyed the ceiling tracks. Since then, everything had to be moved by hand." Natasha smiled and confronted me, as if I were the answer to all their problems. "Master Jedi, just how much can you levitate?"

I smiled and turned to the gyro stabilizers. Each one weighed probably 200 kg, so moving them with the Force was easy enough. The crates were so large that they required at least three people to slide them across the floor. Using the Force, I took hold of all three at once and placed them in front of the fighters which needed them. What would have taken several minutes to move by hand was done in a few seconds. Then I looked back at Natasha. "Something like that?"

She grinned and nodded in approval. "Something like that."

* * *

The defensive perimeter protecting the depot was a terrible mess. Wounded soldiers wearing tattered clothes were on station, clinging to their rifles like they were hanging on to their lives. I never saw Republic soldiers in such terrible shape before. It wasn't just their physical condition, but I sensed such hate and bitterness in their souls. It didn't come about from military conditioning. It was the kind of thing that developed over a sustained period of time.

When I passed by one of the medical stations, I saw a cargo shuttle unloading its supplies. Mendoza and a few others were unloading some heavy containers by hand, so I decided to help them with it. "Would you like me deal with these?"

He and another set down the container they were about to carry out of the shuttle, and then gestured to it. "By all means."

There were only about seven crates left to be unloaded. Based on how many containers were stacked nearby, I could tell that Mendoza and the other three guys would have appreciated it if I had been there ten minutes earlier; they were almost completely unloaded by then. Still, those were seven crates that they didn't have to move. I focused the Force on those seven boxes and stacked them along with the others, which were just outside the medical station's supply room.

Mendoza didn't tell to follow the system for stacking they used. I wasn't even aware that there was one to follow. After just placing the boxes in random piles, he got frustrated. "If you're going to help, at least do it right. Those are not all the same thing. Can't you read?" He went over to one of the crates I had just stacked and moved it to the proper stack. "Bone regenerators don't go with kolto disinfectants." He looked about ready to grab another crate, but he couldn't lift it.

I went over to help him. "I didn't know you had a system of organization. You just had to tell me."

"You didn't bother to ask. I thought you knew what you were doing." He shoved me aside, trying to take the crate on his own.

I figured that he was intent on completing his job, so I didn't insist on correcting for my mistake. He clearly wouldn't let me. However, there was a question I had for him. "When you spoke with Master Vash, you tried to say something to her. What was it?"

After getting the crate in the right pile, he answered. "Nothing."

"It didn't sound like nothing. You seemed quite angry." I insisted.

He went over to take another crate which was also stacked on the wrong pile. "Oh, well forgive me. I'm normally quite pleasant, but I'm not so appreciative for supplies that we should've had in the first place." As he looked down at the label, he gripped the handles with anger. "Quinnium." He started breathing heavily, as if a great rage were brewing in him. "Now they send it. Brooks needed it weeks ago; what good does it now?!" He threw the crate at a nearby stack, breaking the top open. The contents of the container had scattered about, mostly bottles of tablets. "I can't stand this place! Goddamned supplies! They can have this shit hole, for all I care!"

"Take it easy, Mendoza." One of the other guys told him.

Mendoza glared at him. "I'm sick of just trying to 'take it easy.' I really don't care whether they court martial me; none of us are going to get off this rock unless we fight back." When someone tried to pick up the bottles of Quinnium, Mendoza shoved the man away. "No, don't do that! We're not going to accept these petty offerings! They're not going to leave us here for another six months!"

He was on the brink of becoming violent, so I felt it was up to me to diffuse the situation before it erupted into something terrible. A friendly gesture didn't seem right, so I took a hard and authoritative stance. "Mind your place, soldier!"

After shouting those words, Mendoza shot around and took a soldier's stance. He knew his behavior was inappropriate, but it took a superior's orders to put him back in place. As I looked into his eyes, I could see so much emotion in his expression. "Forgive me, Master Jedi. I know that you're here to help us. I don't mean to take it out on you..." He looked back to the others who observed him lash out. "...any of you. I'm sorry."

"Aren't you an officer?" I asked, quite surprised that I had to pose such a question. The truth was that I couldn't imagine an officer going berserk in front of the enlisted men.

He reluctantly nodded. "I know. And I should be setting a proper example. It won't happen again."

"What was that about? Is there something about Quinnium I should know about?"

He looked very close to tears, but shook his head. "I just lost a friend... three weeks ago, he got a disease... Quinnium would have saved him." He inhaled deeply, trying to hide his emotions. "Brooks was his name. I just... really wish this stuff had been delivered earlier.

I couldn't imagine what that must have been like for him. It was one thing to lose a comrade in arms to an enemy, but it was far worse to lose someone like that. "I'm sorry."

He scoffed, quite frustrated to hear 'sorry' again. "Yeah, everyone's sorry. That's all anyone ever gets after they're dead. But at the end of the day, all we ever are is just another soldier on a long list of numbers. What I hate about Brooks' death was that he wasn't killed by the Sith. A lot of guys didn't die because of them. I just..." He inhaled deeply and made a very passionate plea. "Master Jedi, we've been fighting here for a long time. Republic regulations are that we be rotated off the front lines after 90 days... we've been stuck here for six months. Many of us don't think we're going to get out of this alive. I... appreciate that the Jedi are here now, but we need more than food and medical supplies. If the Sith attack us now, I don't know what chance we have of stopping them."

As Mendoza spoke his mind, I was convinced that his fears were warranted. I was no expert on warfare, but I came to a greater appreciation of everything those unfortunate souls have been through. Over the course of six months, they've seen more than half their unit killed, lived day after day in fear of death, and still haven't surrendered. Some might have called them heroes for their courage, but the soldiers protecting RS-159b had sacrificed more of themselves than was ever expected of them.

As I roamed the medical facilities, I was astonished by how physically and mentally exhausted those people were. I couldn't believe just how many of the wounded were long overdue for the proper treatment. With the shortage of kolto supplies, many wounds were left untreated for days. There was no battle, yet the medical stations were filled with casualties.

The atmosphere within the medical station was pretty grim; but among the somber sight of broken bodies and the resonance of grief, there was a sense of great relief. In spite of their pain and sorrow, they were given some desperately needed hope.

I couldn't believe how many ailments those people were inflicted with. Some injuries were quite apparent, but it was actually those who appeared most healthy who surprised me most. I suppose it wasn't difficult to tell that someone was in pain when they carried a blaster burn on their arm. Those who suffered from disease and infection didn't cross my mind because their symptoms were a lot less obvious to an untrained set of eyes.

After months of being deprived of kolto and painkillers, I couldn't imagine how much better they felt just to have their pain alleviated. As I listened to the medics prescribing their cures, I came to appreciate what they suffered through.

"This should relieve the chest congestion and fever."

"This will alleviate the dermal irritation. And some antibiotics for the infection."

"Ammalidosis, the swelling around the eyes and cluster headaches fit the symptoms. Ammenio suppressants should do the trick."

"It's hemocromtosis. Fortunately we have the equipment to filter that excess iron from the bloodstream. We can start you on that now."

"Take this twice a day and if you still get nauseous in a week, see me again."

I could tell every soldier appreciated the care they were given. After months of being deprived of it, the physical relief they felt made all the difference in the galaxy for them. It was almost like they had forgotten what it was like to live without pain. It made me appreciate just how lucky most of us were that we could take kolto for granted. It was a crime that those who most needed it most were deprived of it.

* * *

While searching for Vash, I had been surprised to catch her shouting in extreme anger. She and Lt. Fujita were in an isolated room, but their voices echoed beyond the confines of the office walls. Although I didn't want to eavesdrop, the subject they were debating sounded too critical that I didn't want to disrupt.

"We did the best we could under extreme circumstances! The Republic wanted this facility to survive the war intact. Captain Broad had done everything he could with what we had available. He decided that it would've put fewer lives at risk to engage the Sith base with what artillery we had left than to fend off another attack. He died leading that attack!" Fujita shouted.

"And now the forces guarding the base are left with no artillery! Now if they send just one wave of tanks, there'll be nothing with the firepower to stop them. Ground troops are no match for that!" She shouted back.

"And if he didn't, Sith tanks would have bombarded our entire defense perimeter. At that point, what good would it have done? We'd been ordered to take the tether with a force not suitable enough just to hold our own position. We'd asked for reinforcements for months, but received none. You think that Captain Broad behaved aggressively? We're lucky that the Sith haven't taken the depot!"

"Well they're poised to take it now. With their latest reinforcements, we're outnumbered seven to one. Over a hundred pieces of artillery. And at least a dozen air speeders. What hope do we have of defeating that?" Vash asked.

"We were given an impossible order! We were told to take the tether, yet the Republic wouldn't give us the resources we needed to get the job done. I'm sorry, Master Vash. My recommendation is that we must evacuate the station and then destroy it."

"That's not an option. There are over 2,500 people that we'd have to move from the surface to orbit with only two shuttles. Even if there were enough space on the Akagi for that many people, such an operation would take at least three days to complete. The Sith would attack the instant they saw us pulling out. If Captain Broad had not been so brash, then there would have been ample resources to hold out until..."

"Goddamn it! We've been out of contact with Republic Command ever since the Sith took the tether! If Republic Command hadn't informed... them of our plans, maybe we..." He sighed and slammed his fist against something. Then he spoke much calmer than before. "Vash, our situation is desperate. I have no idea how any of us can hope to survive this. Captain Broad's the primary reason we haven't crumbled after all these months. I'm not prepared for this."

A moment of silence later, Vash answered. "Let me worry about that. I'll do what needs to be done, but I'm going to need you to cooperate with me if we're to make this work. First, I need you to get an accurate account for every able body, every vehicle, and every weapon we have. I'm also going to need you to coordinate our efforts with the officers."

"Agreed."

"One other thing - I need you to continue serving as their commanding officer. Officially, at least."

"What do you mean?" Fujita asked.

"It would mean far more to the troops to have one of their own to continue leading them, rather than someone like me. If you can't handle the responsibility, I'll take command. But I need you to make it look like I answer to you. It's up to you to show them courage; not fear. Fear is contagious."

It was at that moment when the door slid open. Since I really wasn't supposed to be eavesdropping, it caught me by surprise. Little did I know that she had long since been aware of my presence.

"Now if you'll excuse me, commander. I have another matter to deal with. I'll get back to you within the hour." Vash turned into the hallway and passed in front of me, hands held behind her back. "Come with me."

By the tone of her voice, that simple order seemed to command authority. Vash just went by me and didn't so much as look back to confirm that I acknowledged her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I didn't want to disrupt you two."

"No, your timing couldn't have been better. Commander Fujita is capable, but he's still acting for Captain Broad. He's not leading by his own judgment. That's dangerous."

"Master, I don't think the question of who's in command is what we should be concerned with at the moment. These people's physical and mental health are precarious at best. They need more than some food and medical supplies... they need to be shipped out of here!"

"I'm aware of the situation. And I'm every bit aware of what these people have been through. Unfortunately, Republic forces are stretched too thin as it is in this sector. They've held their ground here for five months... they can hold out for another few days."

She clearly didn't understand those people at all, considering that she would say that. "Every day they wait becomes harder than the one before. They can't simply be told to hold out for a little while longer... that's what they were told for three months. The situation won't improve until they've left this wretched place behind."

Vash shot herself around, forcing me to stop in my tracks. "There's nothing we can do about that!" She tried to put her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. What I mistook for a sympathetic gesture was really just a more friendly way of gesturing me into an empty room nearby. She then grabbed my robe and forcefully pulled me out of the hallway. After dragging me in and closing the door behind us, she hissed at me. "I would like nothing more than to see everyone leave this place alive. Unfortunately that's not possible right now."

"Not possible? These brave men and women put their lives on the line for the Republic and then they abandon them? They don't deserve that. They don't deserve any of that!"

Vash maintained a very calm demeanor, but I could tell just how deeply she cared for those poor souls by how composed she kept her voice. "No, they don't. No one will dispute what has happened to these people. It was wrong; all of it. But you have no idea how desperate the situation really is. Millions of lives are on the front line right now defending other systems. The Council had to pull a lot of strings just to spare a single ship for a supply run to this station. There is simply no means to evacuate 2,300 people... not without suffering heavy casualties in the process." She held up her hand to signal me to remain silent. "The only option we have of saving them is to give as much aid as possible. The only hope they have of survival this is to hold off the Sith forces until reinforcements can arrive. Once master Kavar's forces have secured their sector, they can begin to replace these exhausted men within the week. Only then can these people be able to return home."

I opened my mouth as if to say something back, but realized that I knew very little of the responsibilities of a commander in warfare. All that I could know for certain was that people die in war. And a vast number of casualties came as a result of their commanders. RS-159 was just one of those campaigns where demanded resources were diverted to more important fronts, such as in the Mandalorian War.

Of course I was foolish enough to give my opinion a number of times about Revan and the way he went about his tactics during that conflict. "Yuthura... you've frequently credited Revan for saving the Republic from the Mandalorians. You said that Revan was willing to do what the Council would not. And that his acts were what saved the Republic during the Mandalorian Wars." She gestured me to a nearby window, which overlooked several men as they toiled to rebuild a defensive position on the station's perimeter. "This is exactly the kind of warfare Revan would have used. And it's for that reason they're struggling for survival."

I stared out the window with great distress on my mind. Master Vash gently pulled me around to face her. "Yuthura, what happened here was beyond your control. You can't change the way things are... the best thing you can do is try and do as much as possible to help them. The battle we face now isn't with weapons, but against time. It's up to us to help them stretch what limited resources are left as far as we possible can. We don't expect the Sith will be able to mobilize their ground forces for at least another three days. The best thing you can do is try to focus on one task which will improve the defenses of this installation. It doesn't matter how big or how small the job is, so long as it improves our chances."

I sighed and turned around again to look out the window. Outside was the sun beginning to set on the horizon. Because of the planet's intense volcanic activity, the particulate matter in the atmosphere made for a very beautiful sight. It felt like we had been on RS-159 for an entire day, but it was actually only several hours. The days on that planet were so much shorter than on Coruscant, yet time seemed to drag on. Outside were several Republic soldiers manning their stations. And while those people had endured for nearly six months, I felt I was more afraid than they were.

I felt she had to know how that I wasn't coping well. "Master... I know that you have more than enough to deal with as it is. I don't want to add to your problems, but I don't think I'm ready for this. Everyone's looking to us to save them... I'm struggling not to show fear... fear is contagious."

"Trust me, you're not the only one. My advice to you is to find something to keep your mind occupied. Something to focus on. There is a lot of work to do and anything you can do to help out would also ease the tension." Vash then turned to leave, she wanted a progress report. "I was told that we might be getting air support. When can we expect to have those fighters available?"

"You'll have to ask Chief Lovanna. She's in charge of that. I'm just doing the heavy lifting." I had almost forgotten the reason I needed to speak with Vash, but that reminded me to ask. "But it actually would speed things up if we could get them the spare parts they need as quickly as possible. When can we expect those?"

"They're coming. We're unloading cargo according to priority. Medical supplies come first. Once that is situated, we'll start unloading less urgent supplies." She nodded to me and then set foot outside the door. "But I do understand that those will take longer to repair. I'll push that up and see to it that the next shuttle brings down all the equipment Chief Lovanna requested."


	36. Fatigue

Sorry about the long delay. I've just been struggling with a writer's block when it came to this chapter. As if it weren't long enough already, I come out and add another chapter which only delays the inevitable further. I'll be consolidating two chapters into the next update. I'll try to keep it consistent until this story ark is concluded. There'll be some action coming up.

* * *

Fatigue

There was something about facing an overwhelming amount of work that can drive someone to keep going until it's finished. I never really understood why that was, but it became clear after nearly four RS-159 days of continuos effort. Actually four rotations was about 36 hours, but it felt like I had been there for four standard days. As the mechanics and I toiled in the repair facility to get those fighters battle-ready, our greatest enemy soon became fatigue.

When the parts were delivered, I soon came to realize how much work was ahead to complete just one fighter. There were so many systems which required my efforts that we couldn't just focus on one at a time. The process of reassembly was long and chaotic that we had to work on them all at the same time to optimize production. So many systems needed to be installed, checked, and often disassembled again. It was really that which caused the most stress for me. Right when you thought you've got everything in place, some minor system deep within the fighter fails. Then you have to tear everything apart again before you can replace that damaged coil spanner next to the fuel pump.

By the time all the pieces were in place, we had seven fully assembled aircraft. And yet, they were a long way from ready. The hardware was pretty much set, but their electronics still needed a lot of work. And with the assistance of only one droid, we had to do much of the computer programing ourselves. By about that time, my part was done.

It was probably when they stopped needing me that I was left undisturbed long enough to fall asleep. At least I believe that's what happened. Maybe I'd just collapsed on a bench from exhaustion and they just didn't want to disturb me. Either way, it wasn't long before I fell into a dream.

*****

As with most dreams, one believes everything to be real. Even when you don't know why something happened, or that it contradicted reality, it just seemed so real that you wouldn't know it until you woke up. What I envisioned seemed much more real than most... maybe it was because I hadn't yet escaped the dream.

"I know it was you who captured him."

I had never seen the woman before, yet I seemed to know her. "Without confirming or denying that... wouldn't it be rather foolish for someone to keep that a secret? The one who took the Jedi killed Master Polennin as well. Problem is that all the others are trying to take credit without the Padawan as proof of their deed."

"You didn't do it so you could take command here. You're the only one here who isn't trying to take Polennin's place. The question is why. Why did you rescue him? How do you have a Force bond with him?" I demanded.

"I'll bet you anything it was that master none of you could locate... she rescued the boy. They shared a Force bond. Hell, they probably have already escaped." She glibly suggested.

"It wasn't the Master. As much as she would like to take credit for saving him, it wasn't her." I stepped forward and folded my arms confidently before the woman. "That woman I saw didn't have lekku."

When the woman, probably a Sith, realized who I was, she turned away and slammed her fist upon a control panel. When an alarm sounded, I was abruptly torn away from the dream realm and pulled back into reality. My heart pounded and I panted desperately for air. Before I fully came to grips with reality, I called to the woman in the hope I could stop her. "Please! I don't mean you... I'm not..."

"Yuthura? Are you alright?" came Ross' voice from behind me.

As I exhaled slowly and turned my head around, he didn't appear to have been there very long. Then I turned to look at the sky, confirming that it was still night. It was dark outside last time I remembered, so I must have been unconscious only one or two hours. "Nothing." I then leaned my head against my knees and wrapped my arms around my shins. Probably trying to convince myself, I spoke my thoughts out loud. "Just a dream."

"Not a pleasant one, I take it."

As my energy came back, I had to assume I had been asleep for more than a full nine hour day cycle. Keeping track of time on RS-159 was difficult, so I asked him to be sure.

He took a brief moment to check a clock. "11:47 in the morning. Standard time."

"In the morning? That means we've been here..."

"About two days. They say that you'd been working all that time; they didn't want to disturb you."

"I feel terrible."

He hummed in concurrence. "Yeah, Belaya and I worked all night as well. We put almost a dozen vehicles back together and it just seemed that there was always going to be much work than we could hope to complete... it just seemed wrong when I thought about taking a break."

Those words caught my attention; Vash had just been emphasizing that Ross had a propensity for laziness. "Why?"

He looked over his shoulder and watched the mechanics as they worked on the nearby fighters. "These people have been here for months, fighting off the Sith time and time again. When I thought about how much they gave of themselves for this, I realized that every hour we can give makes all the difference."

I looked at him, clearly not quite sure of his meaning.

Without being asked, he tried to clarify himself. "I mean... if I know that working another hour would mean the difference of saving just one life, then it would be like... like I have to give every moment I can. Our time is just so precious that we can't afford to waste any of it. Do you understand?"

I nodded and then stood up so I could get back to work. "Yeah. Everything has to be done here and now. You can afford to be miserable for a few days if you know that procrastination will cost more than you're willing to afford later." I stretched myself out, still quite exhausted from all we did yesterday. "If we don't suffer today, we won't have any time to relax later. I already slept too long as it is."

Before I could get back to work, he had more to say. "Over fatigue can also hurt production. Master Vash actually wanted to know if you would like to join her and the senior staff for breakfast. It's an informal event, but she wants all of us to attend."

I wasn't especially hungry at the time, but it didn't sound like Vash wanted us there just to share a meal. Considering how much we needed to do for those fighters, we had our food delivered while we continued without letting hunger get the better of us. Snacking on the job did save some time and allowed us to pretty much stuff ourselves every fifteen minutes, rather than dedicating half an hour to eat a formal meal every few hours. The horrible thing with not eating a formal meal was that you never realize how much you've consumed until you've become too sick to eat anymore. There was a saying that it was better to gorge yourself and burn off the calories than to diet and stay in bed. 'Gorge yourself and feel like a Hutt' sounded more accurate of the way I felt.

*****

Vash had organized a luncheon event in a recreation hall for all the Jedi and the depot's senior staff. Aside from the seven Jedi were about 15 who were responsible for maintaining the base's defense forces. Among them was Commander Fujita, Mendoza, Canderous, and Natasha, the chief mechanic for the fighters.

Given as Natasha was the only one who wasn't already debating issues with someone else, I gravitated to her. Actually, she came to me. "Yuthura, I just wanted to thank you for all your help. We weren't expecting to get those air speeders together so quickly, but you really made the difference for us."

I was glad to hear that and smiled, knowing that all our work has amounted to something. "No problem. What's all this about?"

When she figured that I was referring to the meeting, she smiled and looked down to the glass in her hand. "This is where Commander Fujita comes and asks us when can he expect something to be done. Then we give him a reasonable estimate. Then he demands it be completed..." She chuckled, bringing her glass to her lips. "...in a much shorter period of time." She continued chuckling as she took a gulp of her beverage.

I also managed to chuckle. There was a thing about bad jokes which could still make you laugh. If she could find it amusing, then I could only assume she was fine with unreasonable deadlines. "That's why you have to round up on your estimates. That way if you're done ahead of time, he'll be pleased. If he moves up your timetable, you'll get a reasonable deadline."

Natasha chuckled again and leaned her back against the wall behind her. "I can just imagine what he'll think when I say we can have all our T-35's flying by tomorrow evening; I originally told him it would be a week. He'll probably push even that to the end of the day."

We both shared another round of laughter. "Yeah, those command jocks always think they know everything, but they think they can just add a little more pressure... as if we weren't already under enough as it was. Then if they get sloppy work, they immediately demand the name of the one responsible. Like rushing people to deliver didn't have anything to do with it?"

Ross was observing for a time, but thought to add something to our conversation. "That's not always so. It's important for a commander to set high standards; to push their soldiers to be at their best."

Natasha respectfully answered to that comment. "Normally that would be true, but we haven't had the resources to repair our fighters for... a very long time. There came a point when I had to tell Captain Broad that we couldn't repair them with what we had." She then looked down at her glass, swathing the contents a bit. "He answered 'if you can't, I'll find someone else who will.'"

He spoke to her in a rather disrespectful tone. "In battle, you sometimes have to make due with what you have. There's so much wreckage out there that we were able to scavenge enough parts and vehicles to add over thirty units which otherwise would have been scrapped. Sith tanks and battledroids, but they're still better than nothing. If your commanding officer didn't tell you to find other sources, you probably wouldn't have considered salvaging parts from any of those crashed Sith fighters, would you?"

I found Ross' behavior unacceptable. I considered Natasha a friend and didn't appreciate him criticizing her like that. Before I could teach him the proper respect, she already answered back. "Kid, a T-35 fighter is a lot more complicated than a Havoc tank. You can't easily improvise with parts which weren't designed for a particular vehicle. Doing so is just a disaster asking to happen."

I continued. "It may be easy to reconfigure a piece of equipment for a hovercraft, but a fighter requires a much higher standard for reliability. It's better not to gamble a pilot's life with a craft built with defective parts."

"Not to some people." She took another sip and slowly withdrew it from her lips. "They said they needed fighter support, so we had to make due with what was available... which meant using parts which should have gone to the scrap heap. I told them I wouldn't do it, but I was overruled." She looked up at Ross. "And three brave pilots died because of it... because I gave them equipment which would have been totally unacceptable for them."

I looked at Ross and I could tell that he understood. He understood what happened when you cut corners in war; people died because they couldn't rely on the tools which they needed to do the job. It was one thing to lose a soldier to the guns of an enemy, but it was quite another to die because of a defective power coupling.

Right when it seemed my lesson got through to him, someone who was eavesdropping barged into the conversation. A certain Mandalorian that had no place with this group. "In war, nothing is certain. Regulations are set for optimal circumstances. For less than optimal conditions, regulations become a hindrance." As he approached the three of us, he seemed to direct his comments at me. "The reason why this facility hasn't been taken was because your Republic forces didn't burden themselves with the conventions of battle. They recognized that it was a luxury they couldn't afford. And one that the Sith don't care about, either." He addressed Natasha. "You think that you're responsible for three deaths? How many lives do you think would have been lost if you stuck with proper regulations? Commander Fujita said you did a fantastic job in extending the life of those aircraft beyond what he ever expected from them."

Those words gave her little comfort. "It doesn't mean I like giving a defective fighter to a pilot and lying to him about its condition. I'm not comfortable with building junk buckets; I take great pride in my work and hate worrying about what's going to fail next and who will die because of it. "

Canderous most surly didn't appreciate her value for life, but he seemed to respect it enough to compliment her. "If you had done your best, then consider this: how many more failures would have happened if it weren't for your efforts? I've spoken with one of your pilots who lost a comrade. He says none of them hold you or any of your team responsible for giving them defective equipment. You're actually highly respected for your ability to take wreckage and breathe life back into it."

Natasha appeared somewhat comforted by the compliment, but still was quite saddened. "Thank-you. We just try to do our part. Our most recent repairs should give our remaining T-35's an extension before they're scrapped, but my recommendation is that they should be scrapped and given new units."

Canderous then leaned his back against the wall, beside Natasha. "Just worry about those seven; we'll worry about holding the fort until Kavar's forces arrive. Once they've secured Chintaka, they'll dispatch troop replacements and you'll be tending to top of the line equipment again in no time."

Natasha didn't look enthused about such prospects. After six months in this hell hole, I could tell that she intended to leave as soon as her services were no longer needed. She finished the last of her beverage and went to replenish her beverage, so that she could break away from the conversation. "Please excuse me."

Almost as quickly as Natasha left did Canderous move into her place, right beside me. I could tell that he wanted to be closer to a beautiful woman, but I didn't want a big, ugly Mandalorian next to me. Glaring at him, I spoke as boldly as I could. "If you touch me, I'll drop you with a Charric." A Charric was a powerful disruptor rifle that was banned on most Republic worlds.

Of course, I had little knowledge of what turned on a Mandalorian. It wasn't until I saw it in his eyes that he believed I was hitting on him, then laughed. "My you're hostile." Then he leaned forward to address Ross. "Tell me kid, is her bite as intense as her growl?"

Ross remained silent. He didn't know me well enough to say. I also didn't face him, as if to not put pressure on him to answer.

Canderous grumbled and leaned back against the wall. "Talking to Jedi is like talking to a bulkhead."

I chuckled and made a joke of it. "The boy really doesn't know. I haven't had to beat him yet. Pain is a good motivator, but fear of pain is equally effective. Isn't that right, Ross?"

The boy nervously concurred. "Uh... right."

Canderous folded his arms across his chest and kept his head directed forward. "Only if they don't call your bluff. When that happens, you best be able to deliver on your threats."

"And you don't think I can?"

He rolled his head to the left and looked at me pitifully. "You're overcompensating. I don't know if you're just acting, but you're almost laughable when you take after Darth Malak."

"Malak?"

"Yeah. He was almost as bloodthirsty as that assassin droid Revan keeps with him. Except it wasn't the killing, but the over domineering attitude which no one took Malak seriously. The only reason anyone followed him was because he was psychotic." He then took a position right in front of me. "You don't have such a daunting presence. I'm not intimidated by you."

Then without warning, the Mandalorian swung at me with the back of his hand. It was much more from the surprise than his strength that it seemed so painful. That was the first time anyone had slapped me across the face since I was a Jedi. Not even Uthar dared do such a foolish act. I nearly slid to the floor because I was taken completely unprepared for it, but I managed to grasp the wall behind me and kept my balance. Holding the side of my face with my left hand, I looked up as he tried to stare me down.

It also took Ross by surprise. He sharply inhaled, not quite gasping; but evidently concerned. As he saw this unfold, the youth stepped back and watched to see my next move. I couldn't help wondering whether he were more concerned for Canderous or me. It wasn't like he had reason to fear for my life as much as that I would kill the Mandalorian.

There were also others in the room who had witnessed it and held their breath. One of the other Jedi, Hayashi, kept his eyes on me and stood ready to restrain me if I got violent. Despite the way he slowly approached, I kept my gaze on Canderous.

Canderous maintained his stance, but and showed no sign of further hostility. "So what are you going to do about it?"

As I came face to face with him, he maintained his stern glare. Although I saw no fear in his eyes, there was no sign that he wished further hostilities. Nevertheless, I wouldn't let his act go unanswered. Without using any hand gestures, I reached out with the Force and used it to constrict his windpipe so he couldn't breathe.

Despite his gasping for breath, he maintained that stoic expression as best he could. Because it was not my intent to strangle him, Canderous could still force enough air into his lungs that it didn't cause him to make any sharp coughing reflexes. He knew that I could kill him right there, yet showed me no fear.

Hayashi became more concerned with each passing second. "Yuthura."

I wouldn't let go. I wanted to see the fear in his eyes, but Canderous wouldn't give it to me. That made me tighten my grip on his neck further, but he knew that I wasn't going to kill him.

Hayashi approached and raised his voice. "Desist!"

After briefly glancing at Hayashi, and with Ross in the corner of my eye, I looked back to Canderous and released him from my grip. As he took a full breath without any constriction, Canderous looked at me as if to silently say 'smart move.'

Hayashi stepped in between us, as though I were still in need of restraint. "Control yourself!"

"Alright, alright. I'm done with him." I answered.

"That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable."

"Me?" I retorted, surprised he didn't notice that I was slapped across the face. Then I pointed at the Mandalorian. "Tell him that."

He then grabbed me a bit forcefully by the chin to examine the blood near the corner of my mouth. "You'll live." Then he withdrew his hand and looked around to silently tell the crowd to go back to their business. Then he turned back to me so he could lecture again. "We're supposed to set a good example, both for these brave soldiers..." He gestured to Ross. "...and to your padawan."

After glaring at him for a brief moment, I turned my attention to Ross. The boy watched with great concern as Hayashi scolded me. I couldn't quite tell whether he were concerned that I was going to react like a Sith on a short lease, or maybe he just didn't like watching me being treated with such little respect. Not like I deserved any, but I could remember what it was like when Alfred had been disciplined right in front of me... often because of something I did. I didn't want Ross to go through that if I could help it.

After briefly catching a glance at Canderous, I put those hostile thoughts in check and faced Hayashi. I almost surprised myself with how sincerely I spoke my answer. "Alright. I'm calm."

He seemed almost proud that I restrained myself and nodded at me before turning to Canderous. "I don't know anything of your Mandalorian sense of honor, but that was quite foolish of you. Take this as a warning, but if you harass a member of the Jedi Order..."

Canderous held up his hands 'innocently' and smirked at Hayashi. "I got it. Won't happen again."

When Hayashi shoved him aside, Canderous turned towards me with a smug look on his face. That expression faded when Hayashi gave one last remark behind his back. "You're lucky that I didn't join her... Mandalorian. Watch yourself."

When the whole thing was over, I sighed and leaned back against the wall again. It wasn't until then that I held the side of my face, applying pressure to the corner of my mouth.

"Are you alright?" Ross asked.

"It's nothing." I kept my eyes closed and tried to forget what happened. For some reason, small act like that always seemed to stay with you. And that was not the way that a true Jedi would go about dealing with deadbeats like Canderous. I needed to know how much respect I lost just then. "So... am I anything like you thought?"

Ross thought for a moment before responding. "I don't know. That was totally uncalled for."

I sighed again, knowing that I should have been more stoic. I mean... considering all the other cruel acts I've seen, being slapped in the face was really nothing. In the end, it hurt my pride more than anything else. Unfortunately that was not the example I should have set for Ross. Maybe part of the reason I took the responsibility of a padawan was to ensure that I behaved properly. Unfortunately I was not the ideal model for a Jedi and he saw it firsthand. "That's who I am. It's not who you should be."

"Well... I don't know what I would have done. Jerks like that should get what's coming to them. I mean..."

When he became strangely silent, I finally opened my eyes and looked up to see Canderous still hadn't gone away. I glared at him and demanded an answer. "What the hell was that?"

He chuckled and seemed to find the whole thing amusing. "You weren't expecting that were you?"

"No... I didn't think you would do something so idiotic. You are either very brave, or very stupid."

"Am I?" He asked, just as he raised his arm to slap me again.

I had to admit I wasn't expecting him to try that stunt again, but I had raised my arm to block the strike. I didn't have to, as he held back his strike before it connected with my arm. That didn't matter to me; I had enough of that Mandalorian and shoved him back. "Go away!"

"Easy. There's a point to all this, Ban." He took a stance which resembled that of an instructor teaching a lesson. "You had anticipated what I was going to do just now, but I had caught you completely by surprise a moment ago. Why? Shouldn't your Jedi precognition have given you forewarning before I got that punch in?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but realized that I didn't quite have one to give. I had to admit that I should've been ready for him, but it wasn't quite that simple. "It does. I mean... precognition doesn't work like that. It's rare that a Jedi can be taken by surprise, but even a fool can land a cheap shot if she's not expecting it."

He looked at me very seriously. "I have a better answer. When you Jedi rely too much upon the Force, you have the disturbing habit of underestimating those of us who don't. When you forget what we non-Force sensitives are capable of, that's exactly when you should expect to be surprised."

I stared at him for several seconds, not quite sure what he meant. "Okay?"

He gestured to himself. "You didn't believe I had the gaul to hit you. And it was for that reason you let your guard down."

I frowned at the Mandalorian and briefly glanced at Ross. He appeared just as confused as I was, so I scoffed at the implication. "I didn't think you were that stupid. If I wanted you dead, you would be. You know you wouldn't stand a chance against me. Don't deny that."

He shrugged his shoulders and gestured to Hayashi and Tresk, the other two Jedi knights who were in the room. "True. But then again, I wouldn't expect that these two Jedi would just sit by at watch as you did it."

It took me a long moment, but I eventually realized that he actually was a lot more devious than I gave him credit for. "You counted on them to save you? That doesn't sound very... Mandalorian, does it?"

"You know nothing about my people. We didn't become masters of war through sheer might; it's because we're always two steps ahead of everyone else. I had an advantage over you that you weren't even aware of." He leaned against the wall beside me. "I'm trying to make a point here. Do you know what the greatest threats are that you face in war?"

Ross was quick to answer. "The ones we don't expect."

Canderous chuckled and looked to me. "Even the kid understands, but there's more to it than that. You Jedi have a tendency to think it would only take someone exceptionally strong, or powerful, or clever enough to beat you. That's not true. Even a fool with a gun can take down a Jedi if you weren't expecting him. I hope you remember that when the battle comes. Compared to you, a foot soldier might not seem all that threatening; but that's usually all it takes."

"Gee, thanks for telling me something so obvious. Like I had to be reminded that I'm not invulnerable to blaster bolts." I grabbed him by the shoulder and shoved him away. "Why don't you bother someone else? Maybe belaya might not know that bombs hurt people. Why don't you give her a lecture on that?"

When I was finally rid of the Mandalorian, I slowly exhaled and lowered myself to the floor. Ross had done the same, only with a little less attitude. "That actually was good advice that he gave you. You shouldn't be too quick to dismiss it."

"Do you think me a fool? Do you think I don't know that we're not immune to blaster bolts? For all we Jedi can become, our bodies always remain just as fragile. A bit ironic, isn't it?"

"That wasn't the point he was trying to make." He kneeled in front of me to emphasize his point. "Have you ever been on a battlefield? It's easy to think that you can anticipate exactly how events will play out, but it's a lot more chaotic than you can ever realize. You can't forget that our enemies are people who are just as determined to stay alive and kill us as we are to kill them. They're not just going to behave as you want them to because they're not just drones following mindlessly..."

"Alright!" I shouted. Although I knew he was just trying to help me, I was just too frustrated with being reminded that I would have to eventually do that. I would eventually have to be called upon to go out and confront an overwhelming force of troops armed with blaster rifles, intent on killing everyone. "This isn't the first time I've been in combat. Don't lecture me like I'm some adolescent thinking he's going into a virtual world, expecting to have some fun." I growled in frustration and looked at the clock, which was about ten minutes past when this meeting was supposed to begin. "Where the hell is Vash? I want to get this over with."

Ross probably would have told me something like 'Vash is a busy woman; be patient.' Instead he just remained silent for a long moment, probably studying my character. I didn't have to look at him to know he was watching me. It was the first time that he saw me for who I really was... not that historic figure that I reminded him of. "You had asked me earlier... I guess you're not like I expected."

After taking a moment to digest his answer, I tried to justify myself. "It wasn't my intent to bring you along on this mission. I wasn't ready to take a student; I really wished you hadn't insisted to come along."

-----

It was a few minutes later when Master Vash and Commander Fujita entered the mess hall that the meeting began. What followed was basically a progress report from all the commanding officers. Master Vash delivered a pep talk to give everyone some much-needed confidence, but it seemed to fall upon deaf ears.

It probably would have been prudent for me to listen, but I really wasn't paying attention to any of what they were discussing. Maybe it was just too depressing. Even so, considering the magnitude of our situation, I found it odd that I would just let everything slip my mind. They probably offered some very important details which were worth remembering, but I just wasn't in a prudent mood that day.

All I could remember was that Canderous had gotten in front of the group for a long while to discuss tactics. That was when I finally figured out what his part was in the coming battle. I couldn't remember exactly what rank or position he was, but 'Captain Ordo' seemed to have a major role in commanding the defenses. With all the commanders, captains, and chief officers making up the chain of command; it was difficult to keep everyone's rank in order. There was a captain of the ground forces, commander of the surface defense units, a major of the mobile units... I couldn't keep any of them straight.

After the meeting had been dismissed, I didn't feel like staying for lunch. Before I could leave, Master Vash wanted a word with me. "Yuthura, you were once a high-ranking Sith. Weren't you?"

Still distracted, I didn't so much as bother to turn around. I just spoke into the hallway with her following right behind. "Second Head of the Academy on Korriban. I guess that's... something, yeah."

"How does the chain of command work within the Sith? Is it possible for someone of your rank to just... walk into another Sith installation and enter into restricted areas, or would that attract attention?" She asked.

By the tone of her voice, I almost figured exactly what she was getting at. I twisted my head over my shoulder and answered her question. "My access codes would undoubtedly have been rejected by now. To the Sith, I'm a traitor. And if there's anything the Sith hate more than Jedi, it's those like me."

She got in front of me. "Is it possible that they don't know about you? I mean... Korriban had been destroyed. There were no survivors. Nothing that would give them reason to believe you to be a traitor. They might not know about you."

By the way she looked into my eyes, I could tell there was a lot of hope in store. Although I had little confidence in the possibility that the Sith might not be aware of my status, I didn't have much hope for that. "Maybe, but I wouldn't put it past the Sith to have discovered me. It's been..." I almost couldn't believe it myself, but it had been over six months since that day when Revan saved me. But it wasn't that of which concerned me so much. "...I wouldn't put it past the Sith to have discovered me by now. I mean... Dustil Onasi had already been marked, and he was just a student."

"You haven't."

That really caught my attention. She spoke it as a matter of fact. The way she said it was as if leaving no room for doubt. "How do you know that?"

"We knew that once you left the Sith that they would never stop hunting you. When you had returned to the Order, we took special measures to try and keep your return secret. We did that for everyone, but Onasi was discovered through his father. Revan was a bit too obvious to cover up, but official Sith records actually indicate that you're dead. Killed on Korriban, along with everyone else."

I actually felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Although I had little to fear from the Sith since the Star Forge was destroyed, it still was a good idea not to have a bounty on your head. Sith often paid big to eliminate traitors, so that was a relief. "Well now there's just the problem that I'm dead."

She smiled and leaned her back against the wall. "You don't look dead to me. Isn't that how it usually goes?"

I sighed and turned my back to her again. I needed to think and not looking at anyone in particular was good for thinking. "Authorization codes remain active, even after death. If someone tried to use that code, they would have to prove they are who they claim to be.""

"But?" She asked, sensing I was going to say something like that.

"I don't know how long access codes are kept in the system after a person has died. I might not be able to get in."

She watched me for a long moment before coming to a decision. It was as though she were studying me, wondering whether or not I was capable enough for what she needed. "Alright, here's the situation. We need to collect information on the status of the Sith forces. We can only estimate as to what we're up against, but we need an accurate assessment. If we can simply determine their numbers, how many there are, and what kind of weapons they have; that could make a lot of difference in the coming battle."

"You want me to find that out for you?" I inferred.

She stared at me for a long moment, probably to let it sink in. Or maybe she was just hesitant to suggest that I go into the Sith facility. "I'm considering our options. We could send out a scouting patrol and they could probably give us a reasonable estimate of their strength from a safe distance."

I finished her statement. "But such a report would leave much to be desired. There's only so much that a small team could gather without being noticed."

She nodded. "We've also considered equipping one of our fighters to conduct a reconnaissance mission, but we can't even determine what kind of antiaircraft defenses they have in place. Most likely estimates are that it would be shot down before it could perform its job; and we can't afford to gamble with another fighter unless we can be sure of success."

"What are you talking about? You only need to get within 25 kilometers to make a thorough scan. That's far out of range for antiaircraft defenses." I commented.

"Normally that would be true, but interference from the orbital tether disrupts most electromagnetic instruments and communications. We would have to get within visual range and our scouts would have to return; the data cannot be transmitted back to us."

"Figures." I answered.

"Third option: infiltrate the Sith position and an agent would gather all the information we need from the inside. This is obviously the most difficult, but it could provide us with the most valuable intelligence. It might even give us other critical advantages we would need to hold them off."

"In other words, me."

She brushed her hand through her hair and held it against the back of her neck. "I'm still weighing our options; nothing's been decided yet. I need your input for this." As she spoke, someone walking down the hallway needed to get through and Vash stepped aside to let him pass.

As the man passed and looked back, I couldn't help wondering whether he was aware of the subject we were debating. The way he slowed and twisted his head around seemed to indicate some level of interest. I couldn't help wondering whether he might have been a Sith agent. It seemed unlikely, but I couldn't help wondering whether there were at least one among the two thousand Republic troops who were feeding information to the enemy. It didn't matter whether he were that one or not, but it concerned me that it might become general knowledge. I waited for him to turn the corner before facing Vash again. "Should we find a more private location?"

"I actually would prefer to keep this just between us for now. We send an agent in... what could they expect to gather? What are the chances for success? Is it worth considering, or should we expect Sith security to be too tight for us to get any useful information?"

I didn't like the prospects of conducting a covert mission into a Sith installation, but I honestly knew that I was their best chance of success. Still I was too hesitant to give her a clear and definite answer. "I don't know. I most certainly wouldn't volunteer for this, but if you need me to..."

She interrupted to ease my mind. "It doesn't have to be you. If one of the others can perform this mission, then I need you to advise me as to whether we should go forth or not. If you're not ready to face the Sith yet, then I'll send someone else; but I need to know whether or not this is a viable option."

I brushed my hands across my forehead and then reset my lekku from my shoulders to dangle against my back. I really hated what she had just proposed and didn't want to tell her the truth. I stood a good chance of infiltrating the Sith base and bringing back classified information, but no one else would due. "A Jedi... could probably get in and get out, but they wouldn't be able to do much beyond that. Any attempt to enter a restricted area or hack into the computer... will be discovered."

"Could you?" she asked.

The thought of confronting the Sith again filled me with great fear. Abandoning the Sith in itself wasn't considered treasonous, but returning to the Jedi most definitely would have branded me a traitor. It wasn't really on my mind that I might one day have to face them again, but the reality seemed to have me in a strangle hold. Maybe I was a coward, but I just couldn't do it. "I don't think so. I highly doubt that my access codes would still be valid after all this time. It would've been a good plan, but I just wasn't that great a Sith. I'm sorry."

I don't think Vash believed me, but she nodded grimly and turned away. "Then we'll dispatch a team and see how much they can gather. Hopefully it'll be enough. You just focus on getting those fighters ready. We'll be needing air support as soon as possible."

And just like that, the matter was dropped.


	37. Flashback

It's been a long time since I've updated this story. I'm sorry to keep everyone waiting, but I've been really having difficulty in finding the motivation to get this plot point in order. I'm actually not ready with the next chapter yet... I've actually changed my plot so much that I can't really include this little gem anywhere appropriate. So I'm just going to post it and will update the story when I've got the next chapter ready. Please bear with me that this is quite old. There will be some errors in grammar and other corrections I'll get to, so it isn't be my best work.

I just want everyone to know I'm not leaving this story behind. I'll continue the plot where I properly left off and will get both Yuthura and Ross through RS-159 as quickly as possible. Thanks to readers and those who take the time to leave comments.

*PS: I also added the fight between Yuthura, Revan, and Uthar at the beginning of chapter 1. You may be interested rereading that part.

The Heart of a Sith

*Five Years Earlier*

Korriban was truly a terrible and desolate world. Deserts sprawled across its face as far as the eye could see, yet it held many traits of a temperate world. It may even have been a tropical planet once. For every dune sea was there a landscape that had been carved away by water. Dry valleys could be seen from space, but there was nothing to explain the absence of water which once flowed across its surface.

The planet was a rock, but there remained traces of life in the few areas where water had not yet evaporated. There had been one such cave near the Academy and it teemed with the presence of Tek-ata and Shyrans that ventured into the valley searching for food. Although they weren't accustomed to being out in the burning sun, they could endure long enough to be a nuisance to the students.

My first impression of the Sith was a strange combination of fear and awe. Sith hopefuls, as we were called, flooded Dresdea with their presence. None seemed aware that they were just waiting to be slaughtered. None who couldn't hear the Force were admitted into the Academy, so they either gave up or died in a futile attempt to prove themselves.

Since I had already been admitted into the Sith Academy, I didn't have to stand around in the colony all day watching those foolish, yet innocent people be tormented by real Sith. Alfred said it was my responsibility to help those in need, but I just left them to their fate. Anyone foolish enough to come to that place should have known the risks. It was their choice to come. Not my responsibility to save them.

After I was invited to the Academy, they gave me a few hundred credits to do with as I pleased. I had a small room to myself. The small alcove was open to the public, but I didn't leave anything behind worth stealing. I had no idea what was in store for me, but I hoped it would lead me on the path I was meant to walk.

The Sith were unlike the Jedi in every way, but in another light, there was nothing indistinguishable between the two. Both involved mastering one's emotions in order to control the Force, but where the Jedi focused on freeing themselves from their feelings, the Sith used those emotions to achieve their superiority. After my treatment at the hands of the Hutts, I supposed that I was destined to conquer my anger and use it against my former oppressors.

I waited for the other Sith to arrive so I could start training as soon as possible. At some point, I saw who I believed was an instructor and he noticed that I was just waiting around with nothing to occupy my time. "Have you been into the Valley of the Dark Lords?"

I shook my head.

"It's quite a sight. There are many great ruins that are being uncovered as we speak. It might even give you an opportunity to get a lead on your competitors."

"Competitors?" I asked.

He looked at me as if confused. "You don't know much about the Sith, do you?"

"Not much more than rumor. I doubt any of it is true."

"Well if you have questions, Master Uthar would be the one you should go to. I think he's in the Valley right now if you're interested." He nodded and bowed. "Welcome to the Sith Academy." Then he moved along without even making an introduction.

I was often told to never trust a Sith, but that one seemed interested in helping me. That man was not like the nuts that I encountered in Dresdea... maybe they became more disciplined as they get older?

Either way, I wasn't interested in just sitting around doing nothing; so I followed that advice.

The Valley of the Dark Lords was not nearly as remarkable as I was lead to believe. The old ruins didn't seem any more interesting than the ruins near the Dantooine Academy; and these were supposed to be the tombs of ancient Sith. I guessed just expected more.

As I walked down the path, I ran into three students returning to the Academy from the valley. I was still dressed in commoner's clothing, so when I came into view, the alpha male broke off from the group and got in my way. "Hey guys... look what we've got here. They admitted one of the hopefuls. What do you say...?"

I stepped out of the way to avoid him, but he kept blocking my path. I spoke directly into his face in a threatening way. "Not in your life, buster."

One of the thugs took that as amusing. "Ooh... she's got some spirit. Maybe you can't handle her alone, Troy?" That one came behind me and sandwiched me in between 'Troy' and a stone wall.

Troy pushed that guy aside. "She had to've been clever to get past the guards... I'll give her that much." He put his head right next to mine and whispered. "You wanna be a Sith? I can make that happen... interested in seeing my lightsaber?"

I was absolutely offended at such a remark that I instinctively slapped the bastard across the face. The force of my slap was enough to push him back and give me an opening through which to slip by their blockade. After I was through, I turned around to see I gave the guy a bloody nose.

He rubbed his face and nose to discover blood dripping from his nostrils. Then he looked up to me in great anger. "You think you can defy me? I can do anything!" Then he reached for his lightsaber and activated it.

I reached to my side, only to be reminded that I left my own weapon back on Dantooine. I should not have been so stupid as to leave it behind! Surprise and fear were clearly visible on my face as I found myself at the wrong end of a lightsaber. If I had my sword of light, I could have just charged in and emerged victorious. I only had my wits left to protect me.

The guy just casually walked towards me with the saber in his left hand and wiped away the blood from his nose as he and his friends approached. One of them said, "Why not make her our personal slave? Surely it'd be much more fun."

'Troy' wasn't interested. He knew that I couldn't be controlled. "Anyone stupid enough to attack a Sith isn't worth the trouble."

The last guy's comment about taking me as their property filled me with great anger and hate. It seemed to surge through me like it did back on Dantooine, but I remembered the outcome and wouldn't make the same mistake again.

When the guy lifted his saber to torment me, I kept perfectly still, displaying fear to get him to let his guard down. When he started taunting me, I unleashed a Force wave at the three, throwing them a few meters back. Then I sprinted in the opposite direction, deeper into the valley.

I kept looking back to ensure I wasn't being followed, but only heard one shouting at the top of his lungs. "It doesn't matter where you run, coward! I'll hunt you down and kill you!"

Panic started flooding through my soul as I ran as fast as I could to find a place of cover. Maybe if I could find a decent hiding place, I could out endure them in the blazing heat. Maybe they would stop searching or I could figure out how to reason with that guy. That was a lot better than trying to confront them on their terms, but I could not let them think I was just someone's escaped property; I wanted to kill that bastard.

I saw at least one come into the valley, but I avoided putting my head over the boulder that was between me and their eyes. This was almost like being an escaped slave again; they would not stop hunting me until one or three of us are dead. I didn't know if I should have tried to go around the valley and return to the Academy, or keep hiding from them and wait until I can fight back.

I was on the roof of the tomb of Naga Sadow and kept track of the three to ensure that I wouldn't be found. As I saw two of them breaking off the chase, I had a great sense of relief. If I had only one to deal with, then all I have to do is wait for him to get distracted and... the word 'kill' didn't stick in my mind very well.

After I ducked my head from behind the boulder, I realized I was not alone. It was a bald human male in his early twenties. The expression on his face was one of great anger, but with a strong degree of control. I pulled back against the rock as if expecting him to lash at me, but he didn't.

"Fear is clouding your mind isn't it?"

I was afraid of the man, but I was not cowering... I was on my guard with a defensive stance. If that guy had a lightsaber, I could escape with a force jump.

He saw right through me and knew that people often take up a defensive stance when they are afraid. "If I wanted you dead, you would be already. So sit down." He gestured for me to get behind the boulder. I squatted instead... enough to comply, but not leaving myself open to attack.

He walked up and sat down normally as if this were just a day at the park for him. His back was against the wall in a relaxing manner while I was in an uncomfortable squatting position, but I didn't want to let my guard down. He didn't face me as he started talking. "Most sith masters say that a true sith is to be without fear. Terror clouds your senses and you do not hide it well. Those three students saw it and that was why they confronted you."

I turned to face him directly. "They thought that I was just a hopeful who managed to sneak in. If they knew I could harness the force, they would have just ignored me..." I was starting to lose confidence in my own explanation and got quiet by the end of that statement. "...wouldn't they have?" I asked.

His eyes were closed. "Perhaps. If you were competition however, they wouldn't have just toyed with you; they would have killed you the instant you showed weakness. For now, they consider you a coward and are likely to just ignore you."

I looked at him, confused. "I don't understand. You said that if I showed weakness, they would kill me." I stood up and was on my guard for the next question. "You see me as weak; so why did you not just kill me? Why are you even speaking to me?"

He opened his eyes and turned to face me directly. "You are not weak. You ran away from that fight and were called a coward; a true sith would not have allowed such insults to go unpunished." He paused a moment to let it sink in. "That often leads the majority of our best students to an early death." He pointed his right index finger at me. "Darth Malak would have had you executed because you ran away from them, but Master Uthar thought more highly of you than them."

"He would think highly of a coward?"

He shook his head. "You were outnumbered three to one. They had lightsabers. There was nothing cowardly about retreating... even Master Uthar recognized that you made the best choice in that situation."

I became a little more relaxed and wanted to know more about the one speaking to me. "And what did you think?"

He gave me a look as though he didn't care one way or another. "I despise sith students who gang upon the others. Master Uthar is the strongest of us on Koriban, but even he could not take on three of his best students if they combined their efforts. Darth Revan was back stabbed by his apprentice; anyone could have done what Malak had performed." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "Master Uthar recognizes the difference between a weak student and one who is simply ignorant." He pointed towards the valley. "Those three are not going to last a week, but your potential in unknown." He stood up and gestured me to do the same. "You will come with me."

"Where are we going?"

A look of agitation came from his body language, but quickly faded as if I had just insulted him out of ignorance. "In the future, you don't talk back to your superiors. Fallen jedi are granted some amenities that other students are not, so do not interoperate any compassion from your superiors as weakness."

"I understand. I didn't mean to sound objective, but I would like to know what is going on."

"I'm doing my duty. Master Uthar has appointed me to dispatch vultures like those three and safeguard more talented individuals when they first arrive."

I looked at him as if admirably, but I didn't know what to make of being regarded above the rest. I thought that sith don't endanger themselves for each other. This was a welcome change to the ways of the jedi, who restricted the elite by burdening them with the problems of the ungrateful. It was comforting to be the one who received the protection.

I stood up and nodded to the stranger. "Alright... I trust you. Lead the way and I'll follow."

His expression became very scornful. "Never trust another! Don't put your life into another's hands, or they will have control over you. I am only going to protect you for as long as you show potential. If you do not learn to handle yourself, you will be dispatched as well. Do not mistake this for compassion... that is something we all must be free of. If you become a great sith, then you strengthen the Empire." He gestured for me to go ahead and in front of him towards the Valley of the Dark Lords. "Master Uthar is waiting... you may either follow me or keep hiding from them." He turned around and started walking down the path alongside of the tomb.

He feigned no interest in whether or not I followed, but I kept close. I found it odd that he would walk with his back to me... if I had a weapon on me, I could kill him. "May I ask a question?"

He didn't turn around. "Just ask it." His tone was one that seemed to get less pleasant the more polite I was to him. I was always taught to act with manners all the time when I was a jedi. He must have realized that was a jedi trait and was frustrated that I was not very direct.

"You have frequently left yourself open to attack. Why do you have your back to me? If I had a hidden weapon, I could have killed you."

He stopped where he was and turned around slowly to intimidate me with his expression. "I do not leave myself vulnerable. If you wanted to kill me, I would have felt it and acted accordingly. There is nothing reckless about turning my back on you... you are not that foolish." Then he turned his back to me again and kept walking deeper into the valley.

I saw two of the 'vultures' wandering in the direction of where he was walking. I saw a path that could have lead us away from them and wanted to go in that direction, but the stranger simply said "Don't be a coward."

I wish I could have more confidence in that, but I soon saw the one with the bloody nose come into view and it was evident that they saw me. At that moment, I kept my eyes fixed on them, but kept close to my escort. When the three approached, the alpha vulture looked extremely angry and wanted to retaliate.

I was on my guard and bracing myself for a looming showdown. When they activated their lightsabers, the one in front of me pivoted on his left foot and almost instantly came between me and them. "Turn around and leave."

"This isn't about you Bandon. Don't get involved."

"If you do not turn around and do as you are told, then it will."

The alpha looked at me from behind 'Bandon' and I could see the wheels turning in his head. I found his perplexed expression very amusing. The sight of a sith master standing up not only for another, but for a coward must have blown his little mind. He then looked at Bandon and almost started laughing. "Are you actually standing up for her? Is this compassion... from you?"

"If you think it is... then does that mean you wish to challenge me?"

I could see fear in the guy's expression. Clearly this Bandon was intimidating... that's what I wanted to be in the eyes of the hutts. The other one stepped back to at least 3 meters away. "I just want the twi'lek. This has nothing to do with you..."

Bandon stepped right up to the guy, who still had his lightsaber ready. I didn't understand why he just put himself in the reach of one holding a lightsaber. "I ordered you to walk away. If you do not obey, I will kill all three of you. Do not say another word, or it will be your last."

The three had their eyes fixed on Bandon and slowly withdrew with their lightsabers still ready. When they were about 10 meters away, Bandon barked contemptibly "Cowards!" and turned back to the valley to keep walking without even addressing me.

I didn't know if he just expected I would keep following, or if that was why he brought me out there; but I got behind him again and looked back as the three vultures stared at me with great contempt. I got the impression that I was in a worse position than before. If I had simply vanished, they might have forgotten me, but Bandon may have made me an even greater target than before. If someone had wronged me and had the grace of a master, I would have been more determined to deal out punishment. Although Bandon had protected me, he did not eliminate those guys and escalated their perception of me as a coward.

Those vultures had to be dispatched as soon as possible. I knew that they would be a threat who would not back down until they were dead. Already I had enemies and I had only been on Korriban for a day, but at least I was recognized and had the favor of the headmaster. I just hoped that whatever reason I was favored would remain that way.

Bandon lead me to the entrance to one of the tombs, where a few students and a master had been working to excavate a large stone pillar which had broken to pieces and buried. Unlike the pillars that were standing in the valley, this one was well preserved from the ancient time it came from. There was writing carved along the sides that was eroded, but still readable to one fluent in the language of the ancient sith.

The group used very simple tools and delicate techniques to brush away the sediment without harming the inscriptions. The master looked very engaged by the experience; his excitement was clearly visible while the rest of the students were bored and uninterested in playing archeologist. Every now and again, one would use more modern tools, such as a holo camera and recording what they found onto a data pad.

While we approached them, I had seen and heard the master shouting at a student with extreme rage. His voice echoed off the walls of the valley and I seriously started to doubt my reason for coming to this world. Never did I hear even Vrook shouting in my face like the master was to the student. I could not hear exactly what he was saying, but his hands gestured to some rubble that appeared to have just been dug up. I could tell that the student had recklessly extracted an artifact and destroyed the surface of. As Bandon brought me closer, I watched his rage get ever more intense.

Shortly after that, the student was lifted off the ground with his hands around his neck. The sight of a master attacking a student was a significant change from what I was used to. The common jedi tradition was that masters would put the safety of their apprentices before themselves. I had been walking normally, but the sight of such a radical departure from what I've come to know hit me as though I had just hit a wall.

What followed was one of the most gruesome executions I've ever witnessed... and I've seen many on Sleheyron. Never had I seen a person eviscerated alive. His scream lasted only a fraction of a second before his body was ripped apart, spreading flesh, bones, and blood splattered everywhere.

I was on the brink of screaming in horror, but I forced my mouth closed with my hands to not draw attention to me. I was terrified and sickened beyond anything I had ever been before. Although I had seen Omeesh commit terrible acts upon his slaves, there was nothing that compared to the raw potential of the force. Never had I seen someone's flesh be torn apart so quickly that the organs continued functioning for even a few seconds after death.

All that remained of the student was a twisted pile of flesh and bones with almost nothing left that was distinguishable. All the blood had spread across at least a two meter radius, staining the ground red almost to where I was standing.

A few seconds after the student's death, Bandar started laughing as if to give praise to master Uthar for such a display of brutality and cruelty. His laugh reminded me much of Omeesh's sadistic sound. "Brilliant! Just when I think you've mastered the art of execution, you show that the possibilities are unlimited! You are just brill..."

Uthar barked back in anger. "Shut up! I didn't do it for anything other than to deal out proper punishment!"

I continued holding my mouth closed with my hands, but not to keep myself from screaming. I was getting queasy and had to keep from vomiting, but knew that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

Bandon spoke to Uthar without the excitement in his voice. "What did he do that enraged you to such a degree?"

Neither one's attention was on me until I turned away, fell to my hands and knees, and expelled everything I had for breakfast onto the ground. I was so sickened that I couldn't keep my head about me anymore... it was suspended above the puddle of partially digested food that I couldn't keep down.

Silence had befallen everyone around me. I could not see Uthar and Bandon, but I knew they were watching and wondering if I could really become a sith. Considering what I've learned of them, I was expecting to die right there; but I didn't hear footsteps or lightsabers blazing. I knew that I had disgraced myself and would not have been regarded as worthy as I had first hoped.

After an agonizing few seconds, I heard Bandon speak to Uthar. "Master, are you sure of this one? Even for a fallen Jedi, she's rather pathetic."

I heard a few footsteps crunching the sandy soil as Uthar moved beside Bandon. He wasn't addressing me, but he spoke just loudly enough for me to hear. "She has potential, but her mind has been polluted by Jedi teachings. Her strength in the Dorce and the anger she possesses are equally impressive."

"Then why not just break her?"

Upon hearing those words again... the last time from Omeesh... I raised my head as faced Bandon as if all the anger and hate that I have tried so hard to bury had begun to resurface. I must have lost all control of myself because I wanted to kill Bandon and didn't care whether or not I stood no chance against him.

Before I could, Uthar looked in my direction while he gave an answer. "Not this one. We can't force the Sith upon her; she must embrace it willingly." Uthar started walking towards me with an odd expression. It was almost as though he were impressed with me... it had to be a trick.

Bandon crossed his arms and shook his head in frustration. "Well in the meantime, what do you think the other students... even the masters would think about giving her protection? It doesn't much matter to me, but imagine how many more corpses and how few students we'd have after that. Is this one worth that much to you?"

Uthar turned his head to face Bandon, but I couldn't tell his expression. Then he faced me again and took a knee to speak. "I sense much anger within you. It must have been difficult for you to spend four years trying to repress those feelings, hasn't it?"

I remained silent, not because I was afraid, but because I didn't care to reveal everything to just anyone... I never even told Alfred about those feelings. I certainly wasn't going to tell a sith.

Uthar was content with just silence. "The jedi... did they respect your emotions? Did they allow you to be what you were meant to, or did you have to become something that you were not?"

I had wanted so much to hear that question. I had always thought that, but was never allowed the freedom to choose who I was. They said I had that freedom... as long as I chose to be one of them. That was not freedom at all. I nodded slowly and as if hypnotized. "They claimed to be guardians of the peace... yet they ignore the ones most in need. I demanded justice; they forgive those who trample upon the very people they claim to protect! When I followed their example, the masters struck me down because I acted and they wouldn't! They struck me down because I threatened their positions!"

Uthar smiled proudly. "They wanted you to accept mediocrity... to surrender what made you stronger than they were, but you knew that your anger gave you the power they couldn't wield. That is why you came to the sith isn't it? We are not bound by any restrictions other than those we place upon ourselves." Then extended his hand to under my neck and gestured me to stand all the while displaying one of the nicest smiles I've ever been given in my life, not one of friendship, but more as if to give encouragement.

When I was standing, Bandon started staring either at me or Uthar, but his patience was being stretched. I looked directly into Uthar's eyes. "What do I have to do?"

"You are free to think or act exactly as you choose, but remember that the strongest always rule. If you are perceived as weak, you will be treated as such. If you demonstrate your strength to competitors, then not only will they leave you alone, but you will become the dominant one." He reached behind his back and took hold of something attached to his belt and held it in front of me... a lightsaber. "The darkside is who you are. Your anger gives you strength. Be what you were meant to be."


	38. Chapter 38

I apologize for yet another long delay and for only a brief segment of a chapter. I've seriously run into a writer's block. The worst part is that I actually have a lot of content lined up and now find the quality of the work is absolutely terrible. I genuinely seek to get some good action scenes coming up, but just haven't had the inspiration to finish anything. I've been considering skipping what would have accounted for three or four chapters and just get Yuthura off RS-159. I'm just not getting this done and don't want to keep this story hanging indefinitely.

I've also been busy with a few other works in progress, but I'm afraid that even those aren't coming out very quickly. And now that I've got other responsibilities to worry about, I really can't make any promises for the future. But I will try my best to keep this going. Thanks for those who take the time to read and review.

* * *

Relief

I had formed a good relationship with the mechanics. Although Natasha remained acting as chief, I had been the nucleus of the repair efforts. There were only a few components that remained to be set by the deadline we had been given. Natasha had us put in another hour so that we could replace an engine, a laser cannon, an airfoil, and a few hull plates. The shield generators on two of the ships were intact, but they wouldn't last much more than a few minutes before burning out.

By sunset that evening, all the major components were set in place; my job was done. None of the fighters were operational, but the major hardware was pretty much set. It was in the software that a long series of tests needed to be completed before any test flights could be attempted. I really had wanted to work on bringing the systems online, but was simply too exhausted by that point. RS-159 rotation periods were short, but they felt just as long as regular 24-hour days. What seemed like four days really was only a day and a half.

I had really dreaded taking a student along while I had duties to perform, but found Ross kept busy while on his own. After Natasha let me off the hook, I felt obligated to give him at least half an hour before I went to bed. When I found him, Ross and a repair team were scrapping components from a discarded Sith tank. They appeared to be reinforcing the station's defense perimeter with whatever they could take from the wreckage of enemy vehicles.

Ross probably was the youngest one among the station's personnel, yet he seemed to take issue with being directed by more senior mechanics. He reluctantly did as he was told, but only after the team leader reminded him of who was in command. He used the Force to lift several components, which included laser cannons, explosive rounds, and armour plating, and carefully loaded them onto one of the trailers.

The total salvage from that tank probably only weighed in at half a ton, but loading it still would have taken several minutes by hand. With the Force, the task could be done in only seconds. It was something of a sad reminder of just how weak flesh really was when it came to physical labor. At least we Jedi offered a better substitute than using people as machines.

The vehicles which carried supplies and equipment were called mules. Only a few of the small tractors remained in working condition, but the Akagi transferred half a dozen among the supplies. Although mules lacked the 'pride' of heavy artillery, such support vehicles actually proved to be the most valuable in times like that. Each one pulled at least three fully-loaded trailer cars, meeting the demands placed upon them. Although they could easily pull ten times their own weight and up to a dozen cars, the terrain was unfavorable for such configurations. They didn't hover, which was why they rarely broke down. The drawback was that they needed relatively flat terrain for best performance.

When Ross finally got those components loaded, he signaled the mule driver to take it away. His robe was filthy and his skin glistened in the sunlight from the heat. He wiped his hand across his brow, smearing sweat and engine grease in messy streaks across his forehead. He rubbed off as much grease as he could with the sweat accumulated on his hands, and rubbed it on the lower piece of his robe. It seemed as good a time as any to interrupt what he was doing. "How's it hanging, kid?"

He seemed visibly irritated. Aside from the harsh environment we were forced to work in, it was something else that left him bitter. "Can you believe these guys? We're here to help them and do they so much as consider hearing our ideas? No... they just boss us around and tell us what to do."

Ross obviously needed a little help in learning proper respect, but I wanted to make it very subtle. "Ross, these guys have been here a lot longer than we have. They know a lot more about these things than we do, so we should just respect their judgment and help them in any way we can."

He gestured to the tank he had been working on. "That's what I tried to do. This vehicle's drive track is damaged, but it could easily be replaced and made fully operational... they decided to scrap it instead. I mean... we have so few pieces of artillery as it is! How do they expect to repel another attack when we're outnumbered?"

"Ross, these people are more eager than anyone to get out of here alive. You really should just do as they ask and try not to take offense if they don't heed to your advice."

"But we're Jedi. Why wouldn't they be interested in hearing the advice we have to offer? We're not just here for our lightsabers. And the kind of work they're having us do is better suited for droids. Why are we here at all?"

I put my arm over his shoulder and gestured him to walk with me. I didn't exactly have a place in mind for us to go, but it at least made our little talk more casual than normal. "We're here to assist them in any way we can. I'm sure that they appreciate our opinions, but you need to respect their authority on these matters. If they need advice, they'll ask for it. Otherwise the best thing is to just do as they ask."

"I would rather be repairing these things. I mean... I've got more experience with these kind of vehicles than Belaya, yet she's the one doing the repair work while I'm out here sorting through trash. Anyone could do salvage work. Why am I...?" The boy quickly came to realize how unprofessional he looked by complaining and then restrained himself. "I'm sorry. I just really wished that they could give me something like what you're doing with those fighters."

"Actually, I've been doing just about the same things that you have. Heavy lifting, following orders, and often just standing around for long periods until they needed me. I would've rather been taking a greater role in the repairs, but they needed someone to hold the heavy pieces in place while they fastened them together. Nothing exciting."

He scoffed and waved his hand at a pile of debris that looked more like garbage than wreckage. "Beats this. At least you're putting stuff together. We're just pulling the guts out of these old pieces of junk the Sith put together. It probably wasn't worth its weight to begin with, but now we're being forced to use them... or take whatever we can from the wreckage. At least their cannons are worth taking."

"I was told that they mounting some big guns on battle droids. Maybe they can use some help with that."

"Their mounting weapons just about everywhere. Pretty much everything they're building are makeshift fortifications with whatever is available. They're mounting big guns meant for artillery and mounting them on turrets with the hope they can take out at least one enemy tank before they're destroyed. I'd asked Master Vash if I could help, but she says that this is more important for me to do. If it's so important, then why am I the only Jedi out here?"

I just sighed and nodded. I really wasn't in the mood for talking, so I just remained silent. Maybe it would have been better for me to remain stoic, but I was too tired to notice. When you put someone under a tight timeline to complete an enormous task, she'd be spent by the end.

Ross took notice. "You look almost as bad as I feel."

Now that he mentioned it, I did feel quite terrible. It had been a long night for everyone, but it was probably downing foods one wasn't meant to live on which made me sick. Our repair schedule was so tight that we just ate while on the job. It wasn't until that point when I realized how much I'd eaten.

Despite the real reason, I gave a completely different explanation for why I looked so bad. Maybe it was just too embarrassing for me to suggest I simply ate too much junk and got sick like a child. "I haven't had a decent night's sleep since we landed on this rock. I hope you've had better luck with that than I had."

"I've been given time off now and again. I've had a few hours of sleep a short while ago. I had hoped they would find some more work for me... not just scavenging for parts."

"Every little bit helps. It may not be glamorous, but it needs to be done." I explained, obviously not in the mindset to offer better advice.

"I understand that, but there's only so much that we can do for these people here. We should be taking the fight to the enemy."

That struck me as odd for any Jedi, even a padawan, to suggest. I looked at the sad state of the base's improvised fortifications, which looked more like a scrap heap than a defensive line. Then I looked in the opposite direction and marveled at how many attacks they must have endured over the months, just by the sheer volume of wreckage and corpses that littered the field. "Ross, they're barely holding the line as it is. Our best hope lies in holding off the Sith until Master Kavar's forces arrive."

He gave me a rather foul look and gestured to a group of soldiers who stood ready at their post nearby. "Master, I don't know if you realize how bad the situation is for these people. They've done well in holding this installation, but their morale is has suffered... badly. They can't just go on for however long it'll take for reinforcements to arrive; the Sith are determined to take this station. The only way they can hope to stand against another oncoming assault is if they believe they can win."

"Ross..."

"We have to do more than just helping the wounded and repairing stuff. We need to take on a more active role than what we've been doing..."

It was about then that I really began to feel sick. The queasiness only got worse, and I knew I was about to vomit. It was a disgusting feeling to know you were about to upchuck everything that went down so pleasantly, and I was eager to get it over with.

Ross turned about and tried to help me, but didn't know of my condition. "Master? Are you alright?"

Pushing him away, I leaned forward and let it all come out. Unpleasant as it was, the relief afterwards was worth it. Just to have all that partially-digested garbage out of my system felt much better. It was probably the first time since leaving the Sith that I felt terrible enough to vomit... I've had plenty of hangovers in those days, but nothing like this.

Ross was patient with me and didn't badger me with 'are you alright?' until I finally lifted my head up. Fortunately I didn't get anything on myself, so I didn't have to worry about cleaning up the mess. Softly I answered. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Hangover?"

That caught me off guard; I never told him about my drinking problems. "How did you know about that?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Ross didn't seem to find it very revolting. "Lucky guess? You seemed pretty groggy; I hope you've not been drinking on the job."

I shook my head and stood up to get away from that puddle of vomit on the ground. "I wasn't. I just got sick."

Ross didn't take that too well. "Are you alright?"

"It's nothing." I said, dissuasively.

"Are you sure?" he insisted.

Maybe I was just under a lot of stress, but I wasn't really in the mood to converse anymore. And after being deprived of sleep for the last two days, I lashed out. "I think I know myself better than you do! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

As I forcibly turned away from the conversation, the boy reluctantly spoke my name. "Master..." I turned about and gave him a very nasty look, as if to let him know exactly how agitated I was. If he thought I might lash at him, he'd just shut up and let me go and get some rest. Ross saw how cranky I was, but he also knew it was wrong of me to shout at him like that. "...with respect, you're the one who dragged me away from my work. I thought you wanted to talk."

It took me a moment, but I was quick to remember the whole point of why I came out there in the first place. I had taken a student under my wing and I felt it was my obligation to teach him a few things while we were on RS-159. But I desperately needed rest, which left me in no condition to teach. "I'm sorry. We haven't spent much time together since we landed on this rock. I've been neglectful of my responsibilities as a master. I just had so much to do."

"You don't have to explain... I understand. We've all got our work cut out for us. My training can wait."

Shaking my head, I took him by the shoulders to comfort his tense nerves. "That's no excuse. I owe it to you to make the time for a lesson or two... but I really need to get some sleep right now. If you like, I can bail you out here. Or can you stand playing Jawa for a while longer?"

"That would be much appreciated. That Ordo guy actually had expressed some interest in 'borrowing' a Jedi for a while. And I'd like to help him with it."

Obviously I wasn't in the right mind set, or I probably would have objected. If he was fine with it, I had no issues with letting him work with Canderous. As his master, Ross told me that I had to approve of any change in his assignment that could potentially place him in danger. I figured that he knew how to take care of himself well enough, so I didn't give it much thought. Little did I know it, but that seemingly minor decision would come to have dire consequences later.


	39. Chapter 39

No, I haven't forgotten this. I know I've been lagging behind for quite some time, but think I've finally broken through my writer's block. I'm not sure how well my 'war chapters' will turn out, but I really want to take this story in a new direction. After Yuthura and the others get back from RS-159, her life is going to change dramatically.

And very likely this story will as well. Although I really enjoyed using first-person perspective for this and a few other stories, it's becoming too limited for me. I am seriously going to switch to third person once I reach a particular future chapter, although I will likely use it for expanding the story to give readers a sense that Yuthura is just one of a very large galaxy of characters. I've been really limiting where the plot can be allowed to expand and I really can't get much further than I already have by maintaining first-person perspective.

I will likely be updating more frequently until I get RS-159 out of the way. Its ending will be worth it, but I really want to get to the next stage of the plot.

Thank-you for your patience. Please R&R.

Skirmish

I often wondered how I might have fared if I were old enough to accompany Revan and Malak to war when the Mandalorians invaded Republic space. I had only been with the Jedi about a year when Revan decided they couldn't wait for the Council to do the right thing any longer. I had since been more complacent within the Order than I ever was on Sleheyron, so I had little interest in joining their cause. It wasn't until shortly after the Mandalorian Wars had ended that I had left the Order.

I Still couldn't help wondering whether or not that I would've been strong enough to follow those who followed Revan throughout the war and after. If the war erupted only a few years later, I might seriously have taken up the cause under General Revan. I had detested the Mandalorians almost as much as the Sith, and would have been eager to rid the galaxy of them. But that's not how it happened... fortunately. In my heart, I knew I wouldn't have been strong enough to endure the horrors of war.

As RS-159 prepared for an impending assault, the only thing keeping the Sith from launching their forces was our lone Republic destroyer in orbit. Akagi was our citadel. And the Sith knew any task force capable of taking the fuel depot would have been wiped out from orbit if they deployed. Unfortunately the Akagi couldn't destroy their ground forces while they remained concentrated near the base of the orbital tether, at least not without great risk of destroying the tether itself.

It was something of an irony that each side could so easily wipe out the other with an orbital bombardment from a single star cruiser, yet destroying the very thing they wished to claim. The collateral damage of an orbital bombardment was just too great. The Republic forces actually had the advantage in this conflict, all we had to do was hold the fuel station. That Sith army had to march across nearly a hundred kilometers of barren wasteland to reach us, where the Akagi's turbolasers could eliminate them. Even their fighters couldn't hope to get through without suffering heavy losses.

For nearly three days, we took comfort in the knowledge that the Akagi would protect us... or so we thought.

As night came, I heard explosions in the distance. We were under attack. Our guard was down and the Sith caught us unprepared. Only a handful of troops were at their posts, the others were relieved of duty by Master Vash until further notice. With the coming of battle, every single soldier returned to his or her post.

I and Hyashi were in bed, as was Master Vash within the fuel depot. The two of us shared a tent, which was just one of many that the soldiers had been living in over the past few months. There were a limited number of accommodations available within the depot, while most of the facilities' barracks were destroyed in the siege. So temporary shelters had to do.

Although we were offered our own set of quarters, Master Vash politely declined on behalf of everyone. She never spoke to us about why we were given the same accommodations as the soldiers living outside, but I believed it to be more of a gesture to give them the sense that we Jedi don't put ourselves above them. By living among them in the same conditions as they did, it gave them a sense that we were all in this together.

As Hyashi and I heard the explosions, we both perked our heads up and listened for a moment. If this were just a one-time incident, we might have been able to let our heads return to our bedding; but the sound of battle only continued. As more laser fire and shouting escalated from outside, it was pretty clear that we were needed.

I was terrified out of my mind. I had known that we would inevitably be required to hold off the Sith assault, but I certainly didn't expect it to come without any warning. And unfortunately, I didn't have the luxury of sitting out the battle like the support personnel. It wasn't long until alarms started blaring and we were directed to report to battle stations.

Hyashi escaped the confines of his sleeping bag and grabbed his gear, laying on the ground near his feet. "We're under attack." Knowing that I was awake, he didn't raise his voice to say the obvious. He sounded as though he were giving the weather.

Me... I wasn't so calm. "I thought we were safe from attack."

Hyashi didn't have enough room in the enclosed space to stand, so he wriggled himself into his trousers from upon his bedding. "Apparently not." I still hadn't started dressing myself, he gestured me to get on it. "We'll sort the details later. We're needed."

Still quite groggy, I let my head hit the makeshift pillow on the ground. I had no intent to go back to sleep, but I just needed a moment to commit myself. The cushion I used was just my robe, bundled up into a ball.

Hyashi took that gesture the wrong way and forced the matter, grabbing my blanket and yanking it away. "Now! Get up!"

I was down only to my undergarments, which barely covered more than just the most forbidding parts of the female anatomy. Reddish violet in color, the two-piece set blended so well with my skin that he probably thought I didn't have anything on at all... poor lighting and all. I wasn't modest, but I did take the act rather offensively. Hyashi's eyes actually had trouble leaving my exposed abdomen and legs. Maybe the tattoos were what caught his eye... I had quite a lot of them.

But as soon as I started dressing myself, he turned his focus back onto himself. Just as he clasped his belt, he looked over his shoulder to watch my back as I slipped into my trousers. When I twisted my head around, he turned his focus back and to his boots. "Are you ever going to do something about those Sith markings?"

My belt was near the opposite end of the tent, which also held my lightsabers. I went for that, placing myself before him again. I even faced him while I fastened my belt, as if to show them off. "I am. I'm keeping them."

Hyashi had on only a tank top on as he stood up, grabbed his robe, and opened the door to the tent. And then he made one last mistake. "You can conceal them with proper garb, but it takes much more than that to make a Jedi."

Without warning, I charged right at him. Shoving Hyashi clear of the entrance to our tent, I went at him with such rage... All those months I spent with the Order, and dared to accuse me of still being a Sith! Several soldiers were outside, rushing towards the battle raging outside. One had gotten in the way and Hyashi stumbled over him before finding himself pinned to the ground.

With me on top, ready to give him a bloody nose, I hated the way he just stared at me... no fear. Almost satisfaction.

What caught my attention had been the soldier I knocked down, pulled to his feet by a comrade. Of the half dozen or so who witnessed what just happened, all were staring at me. They couldn't tell whether I were part of the problem, as at least one had his hand on his blaster. There I was, exposed from the waist up, save for my bra... attacking one of their Jedi defenders. And with all the Sith markings on my arms and exposed abdomen, I certainly had the look of a Sith.

Just as I had him where I wanted, I raised my fist to strike; but couldn't deliver a blow. Because if I did, I only would've proven him right. He still raised his hands to protect himself, and turned his head to the side... just in case. I gritted my teeth, lowered my fist, and gave him the most sour look I could deliver. "I am not that person. I wish that I were..." Removing my knee from his chest, I allowed him to stand. "...but I'm not."

While all that took place, the sound of battle only intensified. It was when a confused seeker missile made its way overhead that Hyashi stood up to look for it. The soldiers nearby seemed spooked by the sound, who only took comfort after it exploded. "Soldiers, report to your stations! Now!"

I had already twisted myself around and went back, forcing one of them to step aside as I made my way back to the tent. Needless to say I was very upset. Hyashi followed, probably expecting me to sit that battle out. I didn't even let him speak a word before I interrupted him. "At least give me a moment to finish dressing!" Rather than my traditional garb, I instead grabbed a sleeveless blouse... the only thing I had which wasn't soaked in sweat. I also wanted to annoy Hyashi with something which didn't quite cover my abdomen.

Barging from the tent, I shoved him out of my way. "Don't just stand there! Move it!"

Reserve troops rushed out from their tents and made their own way to the armories. It had surprised me how most of the troops didn't have their weapons on them before the battle began. In the time it took for them to reach an armory, grab a blaster, and engage the enemy, Sith forces had since been allowed to cause major carnage. Despite a bit of frustration from having their leave interrupted, everyone went through the motions in unison and showed nothing short of professionalism.

I soon realized that the weapons fire had been to the northern defensive line, where Ross and Canderous were stationed. After a moment of fearing for him, I knew enough to push the thought out of my mind. I had to remind myself that Ross knew how to take care of himself, and I couldn't afford to worry about him. Regardless, I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and sprinted as fast as I could to join the battle.

I found it hard to imagine how much more apparent battle was to the ears than the eyes. It would have seemed that the night sky would be ablaze with laser fire, but there was only an occasional stray shot. I suppose that their accuracy couldn't be that terrible. From the source of the blaster bolts, I got a sense of where I needed to be.

The layout of the facility was difficult to describe. RS-159 B was not a military installation, so there was never any need to organize everything like a fortress. There were several structures which made up the nucleus of the facility, along with many others that were built to increase the station's capacity. Unfortunately the buildings with the highest value, such as the operations center, hangers, and barracks were not placed strategically well. It had the layout of a city, as well as a diversity of architecture and function.

The structures to the north were mostly makeshift barracks and shelters that weren't intended for long-term living. After months of use, it seemed to more closely resemble a slum. The only structure that stood out from the mess of tents and makeshift housing was an important fuel processing facility and distribution center, of which the Sith had to capture intact if they wanted to use RS-159 B for their war effort. It was for that reason the majority of the Republic forces concentrated themselves along the Northern line. It put the Sith at a great disadvantage if they couldn't utilize heavier weapons, for risk of destroying the processing center.

When I finally saw laser fire and a green lightsaber in the distance, I knew beyond a doubt that it was Ross who held it. The only other one in our group with a green lightsaber was Master Vash... and I was quite sure it wasn't her. I followed that saber like a beacon and closed in on the battle. The cover of night made it almost impossible to see anything, which unfortunately made a lightsaber a bad weapon of choice.

I almost forgot I had two lightsabers hanging from my belt. Although they were virtually identical, I took a few seconds to decide which to wield. I still had reservations about holding my original saber again, as it was the very same weapon that I attacked Alfred with so long ago. I genuinely didn't want to see that saber ever again, let alone use it to kill again.

I had no sentimental value for the weapon that I built while I trained under Master Zhar, so that one seemed the best choice. I wasn't afraid to lose it. In the end, I held the weapon of which Alfred had safeguarded until I was ready to return. It felt much different than before. Instead of the guilt and shame of what I became, I felt pride and courage. I had forgotten myself for a time, but I eventually came to remember again. That lightsaber was still as much a part of me as the past I've tried to deny... reclaiming that lightsaber wasn't like embracing the Sith again, but reminding myself of how far I've come since then.

Of course there were more serious things to worry about than a simple choice of weapon. Both had the same kind of focusing crystal, so it hardly mattered if I just flipped a coin. A saber in hand, I continued following that green blade until I was close enough to find both Ross and some cover from enemy fire. Although the boy seemed to handle himself well against the assaulting forces, I wanted him to be at my side.

Shots originating from several sources, I seemed more concerned about deflecting blaster fire away than in deflecting the bolts back at the enemy. It almost came natural to me to defend myself from blaster fire, thanks largely to the intense simulations I put myself through; but it took much more focus in repelling shots back to their source. The enemy forces had the cover of night to protect them, but I could sense approximately where they were located through the Force. I still greatly appreciated the periodic use of plasma flares, illuminating the night sky like day... a few seconds at a time.

To my great relief, I sensed only a few hundred troops and several pieces of artillery approaching. This was only a skirmish, and not a full scale attack. No wonder they got through... a small task force wouldn't easily be detected by ship sensors from orbit.

Ross had been fully engaged with the battle in front that he didn't notice me until I was right beside him. We quickly fell back to behind a large armour plate half-buried in the ground. Deactivating his lightsaber, he sat with his back against the makeshift barricade. "They have several pieces of artillery. I don't know how to defeat these armored vehicles. They took out a nearby turret which had a grenade launcher. I'm trying to lead them to the western line. We've got battle droids in that area."

I took a peek over the barricade and saw a pair of enemy tanks approaching our position. I then retreated and got on the ground beside him. "We're going to have to work together on this. How do we attack these things?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"You're the one who's been dissecting these things for two days!" I screamed at him, really short with my temper. Ross had only been complaining that his skills were being wasted for salvaging parts, so I naturally expected him to have some expertise in defeating those vehicles. "Surly you know more about them than I do!"

My shouting having startled the boy, he knew his pride was now on the line. He reluctantly turned himself around and took a look over the armour plate. While watching the tanks as they approached, he started figuring out an attack strategy. "These are heavily protected in the front, but I think a lightsaber could more easily penetrate the window in front. Kill the driver."

I sensed something... before I could even think, I was forced to act. As one of the tank gunners caught sight of Ross, he was eager to rotate his turret in our direction. He and I both sensed it at the same moment; but while he dropped for cover, I ignited my lightsaber.

If we've been sighted by one of those tanks, that armour plate wouldn't protect us for long. A few rounds from a grenade launcher or concentrated laser fire would have been enough to pose a very serious threat to both of us. I twisted myself around and leaped above the plate, using that brief moment to catch a glimpse of the closest tank, and then throwing the lightsaber. As I fell to the ground, I extended my arm for the weapon and took a firm hold of it through the Force. Although my eyes were closed, I continued guiding my weapon towards that gunner who was targeting us. I sensed as his excitement suddenly turned to horror, just an instant before that violet blade of light punched through the turret armour.

"Master?" Ross asked in concern.

I continued concentrating, trying to bring my lightsaber back, but I had lost my hold on it. Although it punched a hole through the turret armour to kill the gunner, it couldn't escape through the hole it created. "Damn it!" I cursed.

"What happened?" he asked, still unaware of what I had done.

I unclipped the reserve lightsaber at my belt, but didn't ignite it. After rolling to my feet, I peeked over the armour plate and confirmed I had disabled that turret. "I'm going to take this one on my own. Stay here."

I didn't so much as wait to hear his answer, but I had already jumped over the barrier, sprinting head-on with that tank. I kept my lightsaber disengaged until I was within only ten meters of the vehicle, keeping myself from being such an obvious target until it was too late for them to act. Acting on Ross' advice, I latched onto the front compartment and plunged my lightsaber into the glass. It didn't shatter as I had expected, but it melted almost like ice from the astonishing destructive energy of my blade of pure energy.

There was a single pilot in the compartment, of whom I killed in the process of carving an opening in front. Unfortunately, I didn't think far enough ahead to figure out a way to slip myself in without brushing against the molten glass around the edges of the opening I created. In the position I was in, there was no way to egress the tank without suffering severe burns in the process.

As things became chaotic from within the tank, I saw a soldier raising a blaster at me from the inside. My instincts should have told me to raise the lightsaber in my hands to defend against that blaster, but I noticed the body of the gunner inside and reached out for the lightsaber I sought to retrieve. Hearing another saber ignite from inside the vehicle, the soldier didn't see his own death until it was too late. With that, my old lightsaber was back in my possession.

With almost no time to appreciate the moment, I heard increased shouting from enemy ground troops. I had originally intended to get into the pilot seat and use that tank to ram the second vehicle, but because I couldn't reach the controls... the Force would have to suffice. Piloting a vehicle using telekinesis was by no means a substitute for one's physical manipulation of hand controls, but it could be done to some degree.

Fortunately all I needed was to set speed control to maximum and pull the joystick to the right. Once that tank was on a collision course with the one behind and to the side, I unintentionally put myself into the line of fire for several ground troops. Most were caught by surprise at the sight of me, but the majority of their guns were already fixed on another target.

When I lifted my head and saw Ross waving his lightsaber around, I had been grateful for the diversion he created. There were almost a dozen Sith troops standing in between the tanks, but only two managed to raise their blasters at me before I leapt from the runaway vehicle. Had he not created the distraction, I likely wouldn't have had the time to properly align everything so perfectly.

And as the tank ran over several soldiers in the process, I grinned at just how well everything worked out. Taking out the three soldiers left standing was too simple. And watching that huge slab of metal ram into the other vehicle allowed me to sigh in great relief. I marveled at how effectively we destroyed two armoured vehicles with one brilliant move, yet realized an overwhelming force of such machines awaited us at the Sith station. Even for a Jedi, destroying a battletank was no easy task. And I could honestly say I came closer to death in the last few minutes than I would have liked.

Obviously it was war, but I just hoped my training in the Force would give me an edge over enemies. Not often did I confront something like a battletank, so I never gained an appreciation for just how difficult such opponents were to counter. Most Jedi masters said size didn't matter when it came to the Force, but they were obviously wrong. Size did matter, as it was just so easy to be eaten by a rancor, or crushed by a battle tank, or overwhelmed by an army. Unfortunately this little skirmish was a sad reminder of just how fragile our lives really are. Even Jedi weren't above such things as death.


	40. Trashed chapters

Here are the original three chapters of which I've scrapped in favor of something else. Since these aren't ever going to be read, I've just decided to add this... if readers are interested in seeing the contrast to my revised plot line. These stop short of giving away a significant spoiler coming up. This is NOT to be treated as an official chapter(s).

* * *

When the battle was over, our casualties were light, but the medical stations were filled and all the kolto tanks occupied... Belaya was in one of them. In almost every holovid and book I've read that involved war, the victors would cheer at their success. Although we held, there was no cheer... just relief that they got through another battle and lived. I could not imagine what it was like to go through five months of it.

When I went to see her... it was strange. She and I were not friends, yet when I saw her on the ground, wounded... nothing was more important than saving her life. Even after this, I still felt guilty that I didn't act fast enough to throw away that grenade. I saw it sitting on the ground for over a second, but I didn't act. When I finally did, I threw it for the sole purpose of getting it away from me. Even though I did save us both, I couldn't escape the fact that she was caught in the blast radius and I wasn't.

It wasn't survivor's guilt, which was always self-generated, I had a genuine reason to feel remorse for what happened. I would never forget that moment... I relived it over and over again. I knew that even if I had hesitated, I still could have thrown that grenade so both of us would have been clear of the blast radius. Instead, I threw it without thinking of Belaya. I didn't throw it at her, but she was between me and the explosion.

When I heard that she had survived, I felt so relieved to know that I was 'off the hook' as some say. I was so concerned that I would be responsible for her death, but now I could take comfort in knowing I saved her... that Master Vash and I saved her.

Despite being physically and mentally exhausted, I couldn't sleep. I had hoped that seeing Belaya would give me some peace, but I just stared at her as if there were some great mystery to unravel. I was just wasting time as I stared at the consequences of my actions.

Within a few minutes, I heard some heavy footsteps tramping outside the infirmary. Along with the steps was the sound of metal scraping against clothing and armor. Although I could not directly sense his mind, I knew it was Canderous. Very few people had the ability to cloud their thoughts to a jedi without the force; Canderous was one of them.

I was very lonely... not simply because I was alone with an unconscious comrade, but because those closest to me were elsewhere. In times like these, either Alfred or Trevelyan would have been there to comfort me and help me with my troubles. Although I knew Ross, Belaya, Hayashi, and Vash; I didn't feel I could turn to any of them. Of all the people on this base, Canderous was the closest thing I had to a friend... and I knew I needed some guidance right now.

After I heard him walk past the infirmary door, I went into the hallway and started following him. I wanted to make it seem like I was just going to the same destination he was... so that it wouldn't seem that I wanted to bother him. I knew how much he hated long-winded talking, so I wanted to engage him without hearing him say 'Yeah, what do you want?' in that grouchy tone.

Canderous looked like he had been in the battle earlier tonight, but hasn't showered yet. He was wearing black fiber armor that was covered with dirt. I could smell the chemical residue from explosives and that his cloths were soaked in sweat. Those huge boots of his stamped the floor hard with each step seemingly hitting harder than what gravity would allow.

There was a heavy weapon dangling from his shoulder which brushed against his leg as it swung back and forth. The rattling of the internal components caused a rhythmic clatter each time he put one foot in front of the other. I didn't know why, but simply observing that huge gun was intimidating... similar to the way a fear of pain is just as terrible as pain itself. Just hearing the clatter of that gun seemed to emphasize just how solid and real it was... and what it was designed to do.

I had followed him for fewer than ten paces and he turned around. "I saw you after the battle... you weren't very stoic."

I didn't realize he knew I was behind him. What he said also startled me. "Stoic?"

"Yeah. You looked very timid after the fighting had ended. I could tell just by your body language that you wouldn't have weathered the Mandalorian Wars."

I wasn't expecting cheerful words, but I wasn't expecting that he would directly insult me. "Watch your tongue." I hissed in a threatening way. "Or have you forgotten who you're speaking to?"

He crossed his arms as if to show that my threat rolled right off his back. "Not a sith, I can say that..." Before I could react to that, he made another thing known. "...but before you give me another empty threat... I'm not ridiculing you. I just hope you realize that if you can't handle war, you shouldn't be here."

'Shouldn't be here'? Why was he suggesting something that couldn't be done? I agreed that I shouldn't be on the front lines, but I had no choice... I couldn't just walk away from my responsibilities. I didn't know if there was anything I could say. I looked down as if in shame, but it was just for display... I really didn't believe what he said.

He broke the silence. "We Mandalorian have lived for battle, but most jedi aren't bred for war. I'll give you credit for not cowering in your fortress like so many others, but if you can't handle the pressure, you can't lead these soldiers."

I looked up. "I'm not leading these men. That's why Master Vash is in command."

He shook his head in disappointment. "You're a jedi! It doesn't matter whether you're giving them orders or cleaning the trash compactor... they look up to you! If you, a jedi, display doubt or weakness, it will reflect on everyone around you. You all have to show the men confidence or they will believe they've already lost."

I lowered my head for real this time at the realization that I had even greater responsibilities than I originally believed. I was not stoic and I knew that people could read my emotions like a book. After the battle had ended, I displayed to the men a very grim expression. I was glad that Belaya didn't die, but I was so traumatized by the battle that I had no command over my emotions.

I knew he was right, but I tried to defend myself. "Canderous... what was it like for you the first time you entered a major battle? I've been in combat before... I've put my life at risk before, but this was different. You spoke of war and fighting with Revan as different..."

"The scale of the battle makes the difference. It's one thing to see... a dozen enemies in front of you. You can gauge yourself and your adversaries; allowing you to assess exactly what you need for victory. When I fought alongside Revan, very often victory boiled down to killing all the enemies in front of us or leaving them behind so we could escape." He gestured me to follow him. "I don't want to stand around talking to you. I need to get some things from the armory. If you want to keep talking, you'll have to follow me."

I nodded and started walking along side him instead of following. I didn't know exactly where the armory was and would have followed anyone else... but he smelled so bad that I didn't want to be in his wake. "So the difference between a battle and a fight is based on numbers? I would think being outnumbered ten to one in a fight would be worse than being three to one in a battle." I just came to realize the battle today was even more in our favor than anything I could imagine. "The battle waged today was four to one in our favor. I don't understand..."

"Because you were in the heat of the battle and no one was in front of you. Imagine if you had a million Republic soldiers behind you and only a thousand sith soldiers in front. Most of those million friendly guns can't be used because so many friends are between them and the enemy. As for those enemies... any one of those thousand guns could be aimed at you at any given moment. And because you're between them and those friends behind you... you're not just one in a million... soldiers on the front lines are in direct danger while those behind are often completely protected."

"I think I get what you mean."

"From a commander's perspective, the thousand would achieve the greatest man for man ratio, but it's different for one who is ordered to stand in the line of fire while your friends behind give the command."

That didn't answer my question. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand how that applies to my situation."

We had arrived at the armory at that point in the conversation. "My point is that that small scale battles where you can analyze your situation is much different from those where you can't. You don't use the same tactics for major battles as you would for an intense fight. Because there are more enemies than you can possibly fight by yourself, it's more important to hold onto your life and those of your allies than delivering punishment to the enemy. No matter how many you kill, there would be more to take their place. And because you don't know how long the battle will last, you must endure for as long as possible." He grabbed his gun and displayed it to me. "You jedi really should learn to use blasters. It doesn't matter whether or not it's civilized... it's simply better than running into the line of fire... not to mention easier."

"On the contrary. The lightsaber is the most effective weapon a jedi could use. Surely we've proven that to you."

"I'm not saying to get rid of it. It does have the advantage of turning an enemy's own weapons against them. I just think it would do you well to augment it with a ranged weapon. In war, you take whatever advantage you can get, whether you expect to use it or not. If you are familiar with the weapons your enemies use, wouldn't that compliment your skills further?"

"Perhaps. However, I don't have the time to learn that now. Maybe after we get back, you could teach me?"

He chuckled at the thought of a jedi using a blaster. "I'm not exactly volunteering for that role. Besides, I don't look to the future until I've dealt with the present. We've got a job to do."

"Yeah... only problem is that I'm supposed to lead these soldiers and I don't know how to handle myself." I sighed in discomfort and looked around the room that was filled with more guns than I could identify. The armory had been restocked by the same vessel that brought the food and medical supplies. I could still see that many of the weapons in the back were old and had seen much battle. The newer ones were almost the same models, but had a pure black and metallic look to them. I was almost attracted at the sight of the workmanship that went into the sleek designs.

Lightsabers were not mass produced. That was partially because each jedi had a unique hilt that they were conformable with. Although Ross could easily adapt to the lightsaber I gave him, he was used to one with a longer hilt and which fit his grip. The one I had loaned him was an almost perfect cylinder that could be used for one or two hands.

The main reason for customized lightsabers came from how each jedi had their spirit in the weapon they built, so they had to have hilts that was unique like themselves. To me, a lightsaber didn't carry a person's spirit within them... it was just a weapon that I carried.

I only took back my old lightsaber because I knew it was a psychological issue that had been bothering me. I thought that by destroying or losing the lightsaber I attacked Alfred with, I would be erasing that from my past. Since it would always be burned in my memories, I just took it and faced that it was me... not the weapon that I hated for that unprovoked attack on my master.

My mind had wandered for a moment before Canderous was repeating himself to get my attention. "Hey! You wanted to speak to me, so either pay attention or conclude this."

"I'm sorry. Say again?"

He sighed in frustration and turned his attention back to collecting ammunition packs. He had a duffle bag that he was stuffing with grenades, mines, and ammunition. I was surprised at how heavy the bag looked. I couldn't imagine how even a Mandalorian could lift such loads, but he kept jamming the bag with whatever he could.

After he cleared a shelf of all the spare ammunition packs, he faced me. "I was offering you a chance to take advantage of my vast knowledge of battle and tactics. The Republic hired me for my experience. The problem is that Mandalorian don't inspire Republic troops as much as jedi. Maybe we can help each other out?"

All too often I heard the phrase 'help each other out.' That usually meant one person trusting another and the other taking advantage of it. I thought this was another of those times, but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. That didn't mean I trusted him. "What do you have in mind?" I asked.

"I've been in a battle very much like the one we are fighting now. Only I was leading the forces against an outpost under siege on Althir. The Republic believed that since I had experience fighting in this kind of situation that I'd be the perfect one to predict the sith's strategy."

I heard irony in his tone. "But...?"

"The sith aren't using the same tactics that my commander on Althir devised. It seems that the sith commander hasn't adjusted his tactics since the Star Forge was destroyed. Before that, all that he had to do was send whatever forces he received and not be concerned of the losses. In the last two months, he's slowly whittled away his invasion army on these small-scale attacks."

"If he had such a large force to begin with, then why didn't they all go against the Republic forces in one engagement? That doesn't seem to make sense."

"I think that they realized that they didn't have the numbers they once did. Now they have been launching small-scale random attacks with hit-and-run tactics. If it weren't for the jedi, those tanks they used were likely expected to return after they caused havoc and damage. Now that they know jedi have entered the battle, they will undoubtedly will launch that full scale attack you mentioned."

I nodded, not knowing if that was good or bad for the situation. These soldiers needed to be shipped out of here and a single engagement may be the best way to end this. However, that meant facing the full force of whatever sith army there is. "Do you have any idea how many sith troops there are? I don't understand why this fuel station has been under siege for three months. That doesn't seem like the kind of strategy the sith would use."

"Like I said: the sith commander had been using tactics that would have suited the sith if the Star Forge were still churning out ships for their war effort. We don't have an exact count, but the Republic ship had scanned the size of the sith garrison and estimated the Sith began with roughly 10,000. Through sheer stupidity and poor tactics, that number has dwindled to anywhere between 2 and 4 thousand. Their fighters have all been lost, but they still have at least a hundred armored vehicles... those are the greatest threat because they can only be destroyed by explosives or heavy cannons. And the Republic was so kind as to not provide any to replace what has been destroyed or spent."

I thought the odds were overwhelming. I could not imagine a battle where a thousand demoralized and exhausted troops could fend off four times their number. Those tanks were so powerful that I could not imagine these guys taking on a hundred of them as well. Canderous seemed so calm that I couldn't understand why he could say all that like he was describing the weather.

Then I realized that he never answered my original question. "You spoke of helping each other out. What does that have to do with it?"

He seemed irritated at that and reacted in a very grouchy way. "Hey listen sister! You asked another question before I could answer the first! I think there is a way to gain a tactical advantage over the remaining sith forces, but your Master Vash is too afraid to dispatch a covert mission into the Sith garrison."

"A covert mission? What do you have in mind?"

Canderous looked around as if he were about to tell me a secret. He softly spoke, but did not whisper. "You've been getting a few of those fighters battle-ready. How many can you have armed by tomorrow?"

"Four... maybe five, but I'm not the one in charge of the repair efforts."

He looked disappointed. "That's not many, but it may be enough to take out a third of their armored vehicles. The problem is that the sith garrison is undoubtedly protected by air defense towers. Type 14 fighters are very effective against ground forces, but are vulnerable to air defense systems. If someone could take out one or even two AD towers, those few fighters would be able to lay waste to ground forces almost without limit."

I didn't like where this was going. If there was going to be a covert mission, it would be done by a jedi. I was the most likely candidate for obvious reasons, but that wouldn't matter if there was not going to be a mission in which to participate.

Now I was drawn between two incentives. I wanted to get out of this place alive, but that likely wouldn't happen unless I convinced Master Vash to launch this mission. However, if did that, then I would be placing myself in the heart of the enemy's encampment. The tattoos I still bared were only one thing that made me the logical choice. The other things was the fact that I still haven't been discovered by the sith yet. It is very likely that my sith access codes were still valid... allowing me to get just about anywhere and everywhere within the enemy's base.

My mind had wandered again and Canderous had to get my attention again. "So you know what you need to do? I need you to persuade Master Vash to launch a covert mission to infiltrate the sith's base and disable the AD systems. If that could be done before the sith dispatch their forces, Republic fighters would have a huge advantage over the artillery that are just sitting out in the open."

"So how would I do that?"

"The AD towers the sith have used are autonomous units equipped with their own power and shield generators. If a jedi could infiltrate the sith base and place an explosive charge on or near the towers' generators, they could be disabled. The problem is that the one infiltrating the base can't carry very much more than a few kilograms of explosives without disrupting the stealth field. The one going in will need to know what they're doing, or the small charges won't be enough." He said as he grabbed a small explosive device about the size of a grenade and showed it to me.

I sighed heavily at hearing the details of the mission just getting better and better. "You also would have to find one brave enough to attempt something like that... and a stealth generator would not be required. I could just walk right in and no one would suspect me."

"So it's going to be you who goes in?"

I just looked at him as if to say 'why would it be anyone else?' Then I swung my arm to snatch the explosive from his hand. After a moment of examining it, I kept my eyes on the device, but answered his question. "Obviously. However, I'm not a demolitions expert." I raised my head as another problem came to my mind. "Not only that, but Master Vash hasn't approved anything. We only have two fighters ready to fly, but the others have yet to be made battle-ready. This whole thing depends on a lot of 'if's.' You realize that?"

"That's why you have to find Master Vash and convince her to do this. It is important that we go on the offensive, or the sith forces will overwhelm us. The sooner we begin preparing for this, the more likely we will succeed."

"Alright. I'll tell her first thing in the morning."

I turned around to leave, but he firmly grabbed my shoulder so that I would turn myself around as I walked away. "You don't understand what I just said... she needs to approve this immediately. The sith are likely to attack tomorrow evening, so we need to have everything ready before then. Go and find her. If she's asleep, then wake her."

I sighed heavily. I was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep, but I knew I would have to get back to helping the mechanics after Master Vash approved the plan. Then after that, I would have yet another job to do.

Although I wanted sleep, I saw the consequences were too great to give in. "Very well. I'll go get her authorization now. What are you going to do?"

He looked at me, confused. "Me?"

"It is your plan. You should come along as well."

"Vash would be more likely to listen to a jedi than a Mandalorian. If you make it seem as though you had the same idea as I did, then it'd be more convincing. Besides, I've got to get these..." He gestured to the duffle bag stuffed with blaster packs and grenades. "...to troops that need them. I've got my own duties to worry about."

As he slid the bag off the counter, it was too heavy for him and it hit the floor. The fall tore the bag open and everything spilled all over the floor.

As he started cursing in Mandalorian, I was trying hard not to laugh. It was not something I would like happening to me, but it was amusing to see that happen after he spent so much effort loading the bag. I knew he couldn't lift it, but he was so sure of his strength that he didn't think that far ahead.

He got on the floor to start picking of the mess, but then looked at me. "Would you mind?" He gestured to the pile.

I finally broke a smile and turned towards the door. "I've got my own duties to attend to. Like you said; time was critical." As I walked out, I could only imagine the look on him that I wouldn't help with such a trivial thing. I knew it was a childish thing to just walk out, but as far as I was concerned; I didn't make that mess and certainly wasn't going to clean it up.

Master Vash wasn't too thrilled to be awoken. She was clad only in her undergarments except for the coat she had covered herself with... I could tell just by the way she gripped it. I suppose that she had a strong sense of modesty, but knew that anyone disrupting her in the middle of the night was likely bringing something urgent. All she could do was throw her coat on and answer the door as quickly as possible.

When she saw that it was me, she glared at me as if to silently say 'this had better be good.' That was not exactly the kind of thing I expected from one who could hide her emotions while another's life was in her hands. I suppose that anyone who had just been in a deep sleep would not be fully aware of her surroundings; she was extremely groggy.

After a few minutes of explaining the situation, Master Vash realized that she was not going to get anymore sleep that night. She invited me into her quarters to discuss my plan further. I insisted that she get dressed first, but she said that it didn't matter to her.

Although I didn't really care one way or another, I knew what it was like to be exposed in front of others. I didn't expect a master would be so comfortable as one such as I. "Master Vash... your sense of modesty is very apparent. Are you just too proud to admit it, or is there some other reason that you are gripping your cloak like your life depended on it?"

She looked as if I had insulted her, but then realized there was no point in trying to hide it. Since I had insisted, she asked for a minute and I was glad she did. Her body language reminded me much of the way new slaves acted when they were taken from their old lives. Omeesh often took people who were not bred as slaves, but who simply owed money to the Exchange.

Most Twi'lek women were raised explicitly to be sold, so they were used to being scantily clad. That was not common among people that had lives before being captured and sold. Because most were taught that they were their own person, the transition to belonging to a Hutt was a painful one. Somehow, watching Master Vash being concerned with modesty reminded me of the non-twi'lek slaves. Most had lives before they were captured and enslaved.

I stood in the hallway for about a minute before Master Vash returned, fully dressed. It was odd how my attention went from Canderous's plan to something that was quite irrelevant, but at least Master Vash would not be distracted anymore. The whole idea with modesty was not good or bad unless one makes it an issue... and I didn't want to confront it while something critical was ahead.

The lights in her quarters were at a fairly dim setting, but it was more than enough to see the room. The quarters were very Spartan compared to those in the enclave, but they were much more desirable than the survival shelters outside. Those cheap tents had been sheltering those thousand troops for months. They provided no luxuries at all, but they were enough to protect them against the elements.

The walls of Vash's quarters were made of duracrete, but the carpeting increased its livability. If the floor had also been made of duracrete, the room would have looked like a prison cell. Of course, these quarters for all the station's personnel were not made for comfort... just privacy and a place to sleep. That was often enough.

The only furniture in the room were a bed, a footlocker, a small table, and a matching chair. Vash had a robe that was just thrown on the floor next to her bed. I noticed that it was stained with blood... likely Belaya's. She had duffle bag on top of the footlocker that still was not unpacked. On the table was a stack of data pads and a mess of junk a bureaucrat would likely have on her desk. The room was not I expected to see from a Jedi Master, but I'm sure that she didn't put much concern in the condition of her living space.

Vash had pulled back the chair so that the table was between it and the bed. She picked up the stack of pads and brushed everything to one side of the table. She gestured me to sit down and she used the bed to sit across from me. "Okay... you told me about taking out the air defense towers. How would you infiltrate the sith base without a stealth generator?"

I shrugged my shoulders as if to gesture to myself. "I wouldn't need one. Officially, I'm still a sith with all the rights and privileges that go with the rank of a master. I could just blend in and no one would suspect."

She crossed her arms and gently shook her head. "That sounds dangerous. That still hinges on whether or not the sith declared everyone on Korriban dead. You were the head of the academy there... surely someone is bound to recognize you."

I gently nodded, but was confident that I wouldn't be known. "Uthar was the head master. Few would have known the second in command unless they took his place. And even if I am questioned, I could always say that I wasn't on Korriban when the massacre happened. Or I could just say that I was the last sith standing. I also have the authorization to get almost anywhere I need to be, so I would be the logical choice."

She raised her hand to ensure I didn't get ahead of myself. "That in itself is still a long shot in my opinion. If you aren't successful, the pilots we send in would not stand a chance if even one of the AD towers are not taken out. This whole thing sounds too great for any one person to accomplish within the time restraints. I also don't want anyone to go into an enemy stronghold alone."

"Master Vash..."

She interrupted me. "I cannot order you to do this, but if you are willing, you must coordinate your actions based on what I decide. Which means that if you are sent in, you can't contact us after that and you won't be allowed to abort your mission. Once you're committed, you will remain there until the job is done. If you cannot abide by that, you must make it known now. This is a volunteer mission, but if you decide to do it, you must do everything that is required of you. Do you understand?"

I don't know why, but hearing those words made the situation worse than it already seemed. 'Everything that is required'? That sounded like a business agreement to a Hutt. With every deal to them comes more than was bargained for. I knew never to agree to such deals with an open end on my side. "What exactly do you mean by 'everything'?"

She looked towards the floor for a moment before facing me directly again. "I had something else in mind, but if you would be infiltrating the sith encampment... could you also retrieve information on the sith's battle plans?"

"I suppose, but I have no idea whether or not that I can do it... at least without drawing attention to myself. Besides, I don't think such plans would be of any use if they are attacked by the fighters."

She shook her head. "No. I was intending to coordinate that attack based on whatever information you could retrieve. If you could determine when the attack begins, the sith forces would organize every unit they had into a single column. Instead of attacking while their units are under the cover of armored hangers, they would be completely exposed, but not yet underway. Those four fighters we have could take out a significant number of their armored vehicles and demoralize their troops enough to balance the tide of battle in our favor."

I didn't appreciate all that she was telling me. She didn't seem to recognize that it was only making things worse by defining exactly what would not happen if I didn't volunteer. It was one thing to be directly responsible for hundreds of deaths, but it was another to simply stand by and watch them die... knowing I could have done something to reduce the number of victims.

I knew exactly how many I've directly murdered, but the number of people who I've saved would always remain unknown. I know I influenced millions of people on Kuril by destroying those sith weapons, but I also caused deaths that wouldn't have occurred because of me. Although I had influenced more people of Kuril than most jedi do in a lifetime, it didn't seem as significant as I would have believed. Since I didn't know how many people had lived or died as a result of my actions, I was left with a sense of mediocrity.

Although the impact of my actions were obvious, I would never know just how many lives I saved. The casualties in the first month of their war resulted in nearly 2 million... those lives were a result of my actions. If one side had the advanced weapons that the other didn't, the casualties would have been much greater. It still left me with an erie feeling that I had a part in that war. I tried to dismiss those thought by realizing that those millions on Kuril chose their fate, but just being a part of it left me without an account of my actions.

Master Vash recognized that I was in a difficult position. As the commander of the forces protecting the station, she had a responsibility to save as many lives as possible. At the same time, she didn't want to gamble on the success of one person. The eight who would be flying those fighters were going to depend on me. The rest of the troops who were left to fight an enemy force three times their size depended on me to do as much as possible to weaken the enemy's strength. Much depended on me and I didn't fully embrace what I was getting myself into.

She finally made the decision for me. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to take that risk. If it's too much for you to handle, then it would be best not gamble anyone's lives."

I wanted so much to accept her final decision, but I knew that I was capable... I simply didn't want to go through with it. I knew it was possible that I would be discovered, but the thought of fighting such a massive force of sith soldiers with so few exhausted and demoralized Republic troops was even worse. I knew that everyone's best chance depended on me.

Before Vash could say anymore, I stood up and told her what needed to be done. "I know I can do it. If I don't, we would have to face an overwhelming force that would result in terrible losses. If our few fighters can make that much difference, then I must give them that chance."

She looked as if she wanted to believe me, but knew it was against her better judgment. However, she knew that the risks to myself and the pilots were much smaller than the Republic forces facing an entire legion of sith troops. And since I was volunteering, Vash nodded very gently. "If we do this, then our forces must be prepared well before a sith task force can be assembled. You would have to go in before they can deploy their forces." She looked at her clock to see that it was 01:22 hours. "You've been working on the fighters. When were you expecting for them all to be ready?"

"I heard that four were expected to be armed and ready later today. I don't know exactly when."

Vash stood up as though she were rushed for time. I could tell she was already in the mindset that the mission was on. "I need you to report to the hanger and determine how quickly your group can complete the work. Whatever resources or personnel you need are at your disposal." I nodded and turned to leave, but she gently grabbed my shoulder before I reached the door. "You're also going to need to be rested before then. If you can designate work from yourself to another, then do so. I'll wake the other jedi and I'll be on duty for as long as you need."

I nodded. "I'll need every mechanic on duty or off to be in the hanger. When do they need to be ready?"

"There is no finite deadline. The sooner they can fly is the more likely we can catch the sith when they're vulnerable. We'll deal with the time of the attack when you give me your assessment." She grabbed her cloak and one of the data pads on the table. "Alright, let's go."

Natasha's team looked very groggy when they first entered the hanger, but after telling them what I had in mind seemed to invigorate their spirits. Although most had already invested a full day of work that would normally drain a non-jedi, they were working harder and faster than when they started. Some of them got only two or three hours of sleep, but they had more energy than ever before.

After months of wondering when they were going to be able to leave RS 159, the mechanics saw their greatest chance emerge within the course of a few hours. They were more dedicated to their jobs than I had hoped. After only half an hour, a third fighter was assembled and ready to fly. Natasha projected that the fourth would be completed within five hours.

When I thought I had completed my part for the fighter assembly, I intended to rest for a few hours. When I told Natasha that her team could finish the job without me, she said that there may be enough left to assemble a fifth ship. That was not something I was glad to hear, as it would mean forgoing those few hours of sleep I would have needed.

When Master Vash came to evaluate our status, Ross and Hayashi were with her. I didn't know why they were awake... it wasn't like they would have been of any use to the repairs or the mission. I didn't know how to explain the status of a fifth fighter, but Master Vash had to know.

Master Vash was speaking to Hayashi about another issue, but I couldn't hear exactly what they were talking about. Before she had reached my position, she handed a data pad to him and he bowed to her.

While on his way across the hanger, Hayashi looked at me and smiled as if to give me his praise. When I saw that look, it reminded me of how far I've come since I returned from the sith. When he first saw me return wearing sith tattoos, he stared as though expecting treachery from the only sith to ever return to the Order. Now that I was going back, he smiled at me. If the situation was not ironic, then it would almost seem as though he were glad that I was leaving.

Before he disappeared from my sight, Master Vash approached. "I heard that the ships were expected to be ready in a few hours. Well done."

I shook my head. "It wasn't me. They just want to leave, so they'll push themselves to do whatever it takes." I looked at Ross and came to the realization that I never directly told him of what I was about to do. It must not have been pleasant to hear it from Master Vash instead of me. I faced him. "I'm sorry Ross, but I'm going to have to abandon you for a while."

He crossed his arms defiantly. Master Vash glanced back at him and then faced me, smiling. "When do you expect that fifth fighter to be ready?"

I originally wasn't going to say anything about that, but since she brought it up, I had to tell her that I didn't have the energy to keep working. "I'm afraid that even if we could repair a fifth, I wouldn't have anymore energy after that point. I need some sleep before I go in. I also don't think any other jedi could take my place since they don't have the skills to do so."

Vash looked a bit disappointed, but nodded and accepted the truth. "I suppose it's all the same. Since we were already short on pilots..."

"There aren't enough pilots?" I asked.

She nodded. "Most of the dedicated fighter pilots have been pulled out once their ships were lost. We've had to recruit anyone with any flight experience, but there are only so many who qualify."

"I do have flight experience, but I've never flown a ship into combat. Are you suggesting that I take part in the fighter battle?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Considering that you would be in the heart of the sith's encampment, you would know exactly where to strike and what other defenses the sith base may have. If you could bring another fighter online, there would be no one left to fly it."

I smiled at the thought of being given my own fighter, but before I could even consider it, I had to know if it was even an option. Natasha said that they MIGHT be able to assemble another fighter from the parts that remained from the ones we scrapped. Even if there were, that would also mean more work for me in the next few hours and less time to rest.

If I were a true jedi, I would not have let my mind be clouded with visions of leading a flight of fighters as fast as possible. Doing overheads to encourage troops, going mach 2 at a few hundred meters to scare the enemy, and the glory of success. I knew that all those holovids I've seen were fictional, but the thought of me actually being behind the controls of one made me forget about the burdens that it carried.

I didn't consider that at the time, so I stood with my back straight as a soldier would to their commanding officer. I proudly declared, "You can count on me! I'll take that fighter when it is operational."

Master Vash didn't smile, but she didn't react any differently when I accepted yet another role in the upcoming strike. She stepped back so that I and Ross were both in her sight. "In that case, I will have to brief you on your objectives first. I would like to ensure you can take down those AD towers than to sacrifice preparations for another fighter."

I just had a gut-wrenching feeling. She looked as though she were addressing both me and Ross. I had hoped that it was just my imagination, but I had to ensure that she was only addressing me. "Wait... is there something going on that I'm not aware of?"

Vash and Ross looked at me as though they didn't understand what I was referring to. They couldn't possibly be naive enough to assume that Ross was coming with me, but Vash gave me a confused look that seemed to answer my question. She had to have assumed that I intended Ross to accompany me.

Before she could ask what I was talking about, I answered the question first. "No! You can't be implying that he's coming with me."

"It's not expected that a Master leave an apprentice in the face of danger. You also can't go into the sith encampment alone... two of you stand a much greater chance than one."

"Wrong! I would have enough trouble as it is watching my own back. I can't afford to be watching over another. This is a covert operation... I can avoid attention because I'm officially a sith to their ID scanners. Ross..."

Vash completed the sentence for me. "...Is your apprentice. Is there anything conspicuous about that?"

My jaw was hanging in disbelief. I did not see how anyone would think to force that... child on me. I agreed to train him; not to have him attached to me. "This is war! There is no time for training when our lives are at stake! I can't afford to be burdened by him if I have a job to complete!"

Hearing me shout against him was not easy for Ross to hear. I remember what it was like when I was forced upon another. Hearing Alfred say that I made his duty more difficult when he didn't know I was listening was painful. It was like he insulted me, but never had to courage to say it directly. I knew later that it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I could not deny that I burdened him greatly... just because he was obligated to me.

When I had started training students on Korriban, I had never allowed myself to be burdened by students. If they were too weak to deal with their own problems, then what should I have been expected to do? I just brushed them aside as I was doing to Ross. Only this time, I was doing it for his sake... and mine.

Fear was very visible in his expression. "Master... Yuthura... I wasn't intending to just tag along. I'm expecting to enter danger. I'm willing to go with you. And I know the consequences of being discovered." He took a deep breath as if he had to force it into his lungs. "You have a better chance if you have another with you. I don't think they'd suspect me... I could pass off as your apprentice you'd have someone to watch your back... create diversions... anything you can't do alone."

Master Vash had turned her attention from Ross to me. She looked at me as Alfred had when I left him and the jedi behind. Her expression and that of my apprentice reminded me much of that day. To complete the simile, I was about to confront the sith like I had so long ago...

In the end, my heart had overcome my head. I knew that I was making a mistake, but it meant so much to me that Ross was willing to brave extreme danger to follow my lead. I have had other students that put their faith into my hands, but never for my sake. Revan was the exception, but only because he didn't have enough sense to know better. It was more because of his influence than mine. This was the first time where I've genuinely been regarded as a role model.

I made no mistake that I was not the 'great jedi who resisted the darkside' that he likely saw me as, but it was comforting to know that he did not want me to not go into harm's way alone. I wish I could say I did it for him, but I was gratified to know I did not have to face the sith alone. His presence was of little value to my mission, but it was a huge psychological benefit that I couldn't refuse.

"I cannot emphasize the danger you would be in. Even Revan was fearful of being discovered. If you come with me, you must not be afraid to emulate a sith in its entirety. It could mean just about anything... murder, humiliation... I may have to hurt you in order to accomplish my mission. Are you willing to put yourself in that position?"

I asked as though I were already assuming that he were going to be discovered. The words I said were painful to consider, but I had to ensure that he knew what he was going to face. If it meant me having to treat him like Omeesh treated me, it was better that than being caught by the sith. I wish I were just being paranoid, but I've seen the brutality of the sith too often.

He didn't display as much fear as I had hoped. I thought that the idea of me becoming a monster in front of his eyes would have been too much, but he likely didn't want me to confront the sith alone. "I'm aware of the risks... and I know that it would mean that you can't protect me if I get into danger. But having two would increase the odds of getting the job done. If you encounter a security system where a single person cannot bypass it, the presence of another could increase the number of options you would have for almost everything."

I held his shoulders. "I'm not questioning your usefulness. It would simply be more conspicuous to have you along."

Master Vash gestured to the two of us. "What if you two are seen together? A master and her apprentice... there's nothing conspicuous about that. In fact, an apprentice might allow for you to escape an unusual situation." She got between us and gestured to Ross. "If something goes wrong, just say your apprentice just made a mistake and they'd be more inclined to believe that than that the kid is spying on them. Wouldn't that work?"

I stared at him for a moment as I considered the help he could be to me. Although he's not officially a sith, I am. They would just pass him off if I did the talking and took the lead. "I guess that a second person could also allow for more equipment to be taken as well. We would have to carry everything we need to destroy the AD towers and infiltrate their war room. We may have to split up in order to do all the work..."

"Do you even know how to take out an AD tower? Anyone going in would have to know how to disable the towers without being caught. I know where to plant the explosives so that they would not be seen, but where they would effectively destroy the defenses."

"How do you know that? Where did you learn to do that?"

He smiled very smugly. "Because I and my old master took a few out during a campaign. He showed me how to take out vital power conduits instead of the generators... much more vulnerable and often not rigged with cameras. They also don't explode when you're inside."

Master Vash stepped back. "Then I assume it's settled. You need Ross and he's willing to go. I see no other problems before you."

I gestured for her to stop where she was. "How are we supposed to even get through the defenses? We need sith robes... a mission plan... as well as other things."

"Don't worry about that. We've got a few sith robes for you. Your transportation would be a speeder bike we salvaged... it's not in prime condition, but it's at least of sith design and can get you to their location quickly. Once inside, you would have to improvise your own mission."

I nodded and shrugged my shoulders. "Alright. Let's get changed and be underway. No sense in waiting around."

Vash stepped in my path when I tried walking away and grabbed me by the shoulders... not in an opposing way, but just firm enough to keep me from leaving. "You're not leaving yet. We're still a few hours away from completing the last fighter and you need some rest before then."

I was tired, but I wouldn't have been able to sleep with the mission on my mind. I hated the idea of going back to the sith and just wanted to be through as soon as possible. Even if I had time ahead to spare, I wouldn't have been able to make any use of it. Staring at the ceiling for three hours wasn't going to make any difference. In fact; it would have made things even more tense than they already were. "Master? I'm not able to sleep. With this on my mind... I would rather just get it done as soon as possible."

"You need rest." She declared.

"We need to get this done as soon as possible. We don't know when they will launch their attack and the longer we wait, more likely we'll be too late."

"The attack begins in eight hours. That is the most likely time they will start assembling their forces. You should be off in four." She gently patted my shoulders. "In the meantime, please return to your quarters and we'll do what we must here. You two are key to this engagement and we need you at your best." She stepped back to face both of us. "Dismissed."

Ross and I bowed to her and we turned around to leave when I just realized that I was still needed for that fifth fighter. Balancing everything I had to do and include that task couldn't be done if I were asleep. I went back to get Vash's attention again. "Wait! They still need me for that last ship. I have to help the mechanics with whatever I can."

She turned her head made an embarrassing grunt. "Of course. That would be too much for you to handle." She stared at me for a moment as if to evaluate my psychological condition. She then looked towards the few fighters in the hanger as she went into deep thought. The value of another fighter was high, but if it meant pushing me further in order to get it assembled; it might push me too hard. She also knew that we had to strike sooner than later. Once the sith forces were underway, an attack would be less effective. When she made her choice, she turned back to me. "We won't worry about that fifth ship. Once you get the job done, you just get back here. We'll handle the rest." She grabbed both our shoulders and turned us away. "Both of you; report to your quarters. We'll have everything ready for you in a few hours."

Master Vash said the speeder bike we received was damaged, but brought back up to working condition. It had a transponder that we needed to get past the base's defenses. From the moment I got behind the controls, I assumed it was a bucket of bolts. I didn't think about it breaking down because we just needed it for a fairly short trip.

As we got on and started our departure, hundreds gathered to see us off. I didn't think I should have spoiled the moment for them by casting doubt upon the mechanics who repaired the bike. I should not have played hero for them when I should have asked to have the bike checked again.

I stood behind Ross as he tinkered with the speeder bike after it died about 100 kilometers away from the Republic station. He was clad in the same black sith robe as I, so he was unbearably hot. We didn't carry much survival gear, so we were forced to keep our robes on to avoid dehydration. We didn't have any survival gear with us at the time... even bottled water carried a Republic mark on them. I also wasn't concerned with wilderness survival at the time. I still wish we brought some water and just thrown away the bottles before entering the base.

I was more capable of enduring the heat, but Ross had to work in these conditions as well. He stayed in the shadow of the bike to avoid the direct rays of the star over the horizon. I also cast my shadow to give him more shade under which to work. Since I wasn't doing much else, I might as well have provided even that little sum of worth.

I stared at the locker on the bike that normally would have held survival gear, or even a toolbox. Instead, it was filled with everything we needed for the mission. There was no room for anything else.

In a large insulated case were 20 small demolition plasma charges. They were simple white blocks with a cylindrical device in the center. Designed for efficient packing and simplicity, each one could punch a hole through 25 cm of duracrete or 10 cm of armor. At the back were magnetic and adhesive strips.

Canderous briefed me on the workings of those explosives, so I got an idea as to what they were capable of. Only half of their weight represented the explosive. The other was taken up by the detonator; equipped with every kind of function that could be found on a mine or grenade. It had a proximity sensor, timer, remote detonator, impact fuse, and 'collective programing' as Ross described it. Since he knew how to work the mines better than I, he carried the remote control.

Another item I included was a compact blaster pistol. Although neither of us used blasters, I thought we should have at least one ranged weapon with an advanced sniper scope. Although not very powerful, it was accurate up to 100 meters. We might have needed it for a sniper attack or for a distraction. It had only 25 shots, but I didn't included another power pack... We likely shouldn't have included the pistol at all.

Communications had been jammed by the ionized particles in the planet's atmosphere, but we had comlinks along that allowed us to send and receive simple signals. It wasn't enough for us to talk with one another, but we could transmit pulses on a few different frequencies. Up to 8 responses could be set.

The last mission item was a data pad equipped with the advanced lock-breaking features we would need to interface with almost anything. With my computer skills, there would be little that I couldn't do with the pad.

We did have some room for a few tools, but we couldn't risk carrying anything with a Republic emblem. Everything except for the explosives and my data pad were captured from the sith. Our lightsabers were unique, so they didn't matter. I only wished we had some red focusing crystals to complete the ensemble.

After almost half an hour of working, Ross was getting frustrated and cursed in another language before turning around and laying with his back against the bike. Although frustrated, I knew that he had to keep working. A sat next to him and pulled his opposite shoulder into a comrade-like embrace. "So what did you just say?"

He was hunched over and didn't intend to relax. "It was a term that means tainted by the ones who made it. The lift fan is a Republic design and it wasn't meant to work with the sith engine."

"Can it be fixed at all, or is the damage irreversible?"

"There is permanent damage to the clutch between the two. Both seem fine, but if they can't work together..."

"What does the lift fan do? How does the clutch work?"

He got up and pointed to the front of the engine. "The engine's drive shaft runs to the front of the bike and provides the lift fan with its power. The problem is that the engine would cause the front of the bike to nose up or dive. The clutch bleeds off excess energy, but it doesn't allow any energy to the lift fan if it's damaged."

I saw exactly what he meant by it. "Is there anyway to transfer power directly to the fan? That would cause it to nose up while we are going faster, but we could sustain about 50 Km per hour to avoid that."

He pulled his head up at the idea. "That would not work for non-jedi, but we would have to levitate the bike while going at slow speeds. And there is a better solution to slowing down. We can't waste that much time anymore. So if I..." He leaned over to slide under the back of the bike and started fidgeting with some systems that I couldn't identify.

After he removed a completely separate part the one that was damaged, I asked what he was doing.

He was still on his back under the engine nacelle. "I'm compensating for the additional power devoted to the front of the lift fan. We'll have more thrust downward, but we'll be able to reach 200 Km per hour without any problem. We just have to worry about the bike at slow speeds." He then shifted himself to the front of the bike and fixed the lift fan to the drive shaft. He left the damaged clutch in place.

He rolled back to his feet and started up the engine. There was no hesitation, but it was louder than before. He brought the throttle down to speak to me. "Since I modified it, I should take over. We can't afford the time to test it, so we have to be underway."

I gestured him to get on and I sat behind him. "Are you sure of this?" I yelled over the engine which had been pushed to full throttle.

"It's fine! I'm sure we'll reach our destination, but I wouldn't take this out again! Don't worry... It's not likely to explode!" He put his helmet on.

I didn't like the sound of the engine, but I didn't say anymore. There was little choice but to go on. The sith base was less desirable in any event.

The bike took off with only his force power to hold it off the ground. He slowly let the lift fan take over as he reduced his force levitation. The ride was much more nerve-racking after that. I kept hoping that there wouldn't be another breakdown, or we would be out of time and likely have had our remains scattered across the surface. It sounded better than any other death we would endure, but it wasn't pleasant to think of how best to die.

I didn't want to suffer by the hand of the sith, but it didn't mean I wanted to ensure it never happened. Many sith would kill themselves than face the wrath of the others, but I wanted much more to get back to Alfred and Revan. I also didn't want to see anything happen to the kid... I hated the thought of him suffering that fate because of me. I just hated being liable for him as well.

When the sith base had come into view, we received clearance to enter the perimeter and return to swoop garage 3. Ross took over with using his force power to balance the bike and came in to the closest swoop hanger we could identify. It didn't have any numbers on the exterior, but we were allowed to go in without being stopped by security.

When we set down, Ross leaned his head back in relief. I realized that I never formally briefed him on how to behave while he was with me. I got off the bike and spoke quietly into his ear. "Now that we're in, you are to never say anything other than what you must. There will be no lessons, small talk, or anything outside the mission. We are not jedi... we are sith... follow my lead and don't act if you don't know what you're doing. That is an order."

He still had his helmet on when we nodded in acknowledgment.

After he got off the bike, a mechanic was looking at us. He was wearing the standard gold and black uniform of a sith soldier and carried a datapad that was likely the repair log or something that we weren't on. After examining us and checking the info on the pad, he confronted me. Through the voice box, he stated "I have no record of this bike being used. What were you..."

I snapped right at him with the boldest tone I could use. "I was doing an exercise with my apprentice." I faced Ross and gestured for him to follow me. "Come along... keep up!"

The sith stepped in front of me, but not in my path as to directly oppose a sith master. "I have no record of this bike being taken. I can't just let you go without clarifying things first. Who authorized..."

You stopped and stared incredulously at him. "I don't have time for this! There is nothing wrong with the records." I started walking past him with no regard to his duty. We clearly weren't on the record, so I had to make him disregard the issue by portraying myself as a sith with little patience and a bad temper.

"I assure you that no such bike was granted to this 'exercise'... which was authorized by me. I'll would rather let security decide who is right."

He started logging onto his pad and I knew I had to end the incident that was about to brew. I stepped up to him in a threatening manner. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"I'm saying there has been a mistake."

"If there was, it was your mistake."

He paused for a brief moment and stopped tapping the pad. "With all due respect, I would not have made..."

"There are three outcomes I see that security will come to. Either you are calling me a liar; by which case I'll execute you. If a mistake has been made, it was yours; and security will execute you for your incompetence. Or they are no mistakes, but which case you will stand aside and I will complement you for your good work." I put my face within centimeters of his helmet and he leaned away. "Are there any problems they should be aware of?"

His face was hidden by the gold mask, but I could see the fear brewing within him. He had a duty to perform, but he didn't want to go up against a sith master. I think I was both convincing and threatening enough to make him step back. "Uh... no. There are no mistakes Master..."

"Ban... Yuthura. Keep up the good work and carry on." I looked back to Ross and then started walking at a brisk pace. The average sith was not one for patience, so we had to move very quickly. Once I found a corner where we could get out of sight, I turned right and saw no others around. When Ross caught up to me, I had to discuss our plan.

He grinned at me for my wonderful acting back there. "You were great. I wouldn't have wanted to be that..."

"Save it. We'll compliment each other later, but for now... there will be no pleasantries here. If you do well, I'll praise you later. For now, we have to find the AD towers and plant the charges."

His smile vanished as if I just struck him down. He did understand that it was not personal. "I have set timers to have them go off at a specified time. We will be able to trigger them by remote or reset the timers if we need to. We've got three hours before the strike fighters are deployed."

I nodded and looked around. There was an AD tower in sight and I gestured for us to go for it. How we would get to the power generator was going to require some thought.

Being among the sith again was a very uncomfortable experience. I could blend in and not be seen, but I was concerned that Ross would be exposed and I wouldn't be able to help him. I still didn't like bringing him along. He may have solved the speeder bike issue when I wouldn't have, but he was now a liability to me. Even if that weren't an issue, I need him to infiltrate the towers and work the explosives. The consequences to both influence the mission outcome, so I knew I could not leave him behind if he were captured.

The base was a collection of hangers and barracks that were simply placed wherever needed. The base did not go by an overall design, but rather a small city of various buildings and hangers spread across about a kilometer. The encampment was fairly uniform in height with few structure more the four stories. There was one hanger that appeared large enough to house strike fighters, but there were no fighters inside. I was requested to confirm that there none when we had the chance, but it was not our priority.

There was bare ground where no duracrete or buildings rested, but no vegetation anywhere. If there were, the base would have resembled a city I visited on Dantooine. Almost everything was prefabricated, but many of the simple structures were made of materials were dug up from the land. The fuel tanks, hangers, and command centers were state of the art while the warehouses and barracks were unremarkable.

When we first saw the encampment, the first AD tower was among the other buildings while the other two were either outside or on the outskirts on the far side. Because they were the tallest objects, it was easy to locate our primary targets. The command center and war room were likely not going to be as easy to find. We would have to follow any data cables to their source, but they were buried and difficult to trace. The orbital image we got was very distorted by electronic interference, so we could only identify a few of the locations within the base.

The towers were about fifty meters tall and appeared to have a single weapon at the top level, but the emplacements were heavily fortified and could shoot down fighters with ease. Getting inside appeared more difficult than originally believed. When we reached the first one, there was one entry at the ground level and a security perimeter around the foundation that appeared dangerous to walk over.

As I stared at the field, Ross told me about it. "The power generator has a conduit running under the ground. It doesn't drain much energy unless a something passes over it. It works very much like a lightsaber... only gives off light energy until something comes in contact with the blade."

I smiled at the clever nature of the kid. "I assume you know how to get though?"

I looked at him with positive anticipation, but didn't see much confidence. "This tower has its own power generator and is independent of the base's power grid. The only way to shut down the security field surrounding the base is from the inside."

"I thought you've dealt with this kind of fortification before? How did you get inside?"

He nodded nervously. "The tower's security grid is tied to the shield network. That's another reason that they don't simply lock down the entrance. We could step through an energy shield because the security grid drops during a battle."

"So are you saying that we need to make them think an air strike is in progress?" I asked.

"Maybe, but I think there should be an easier way of going about this." He rested his head upon his knuckle to gesture that he was thinking seriously. I didn't like how obvious it was that he didn't know what to do. I had often given off the impression that I was thinking about a problem when I knew I wouldn't come up with a solution... just to make it look like I hadn't already given up. Ross wasn't expecting to come to a solution, but he wanted me to believe that he was.

I had to come up with the solution on my own. "They have to maintain these towers, so a repair crew could get through. We just have to dispatch someone and see how they pass through."

"And then use the technique for the other two... brilliant."

"I said save the compliments." I hissed. "You don't know who may be watching." I turned away to go for the most likely building where I could arrange for a repair crew to report for the tower. I had turned my back on Ross and expected him to follow, but instead... he offered resistance.

He followed and got right behind me to speak into my ear. "Yuthura... you're being paranoid. You expect to be..."

A surge of anger flooded my mind and I shot around to drive my order into him. "And you're not taking this seriously!" I shouted at the loudest volume I could whisper. I grabbed him and dragged him into a narrow alley between two barracks. "You can NOT underestimate the danger we are in. I'm trying to keep us out of sight and all you're doing is attracting attention!"

He looked as though I had just offended him in the worst way. "Me? All I did was complement you!"

I was getting even more frustrated that he didn't realize his own error. I grabbed his robe and pressed him against a wall. "You don't know anything about the sith! If you let your guard down, they will see your weakness and exploit it. Don't EVER assume something you don't understand. If I must beat that lesson into you... then I will!"

He was fearing that I meant what I said. Ross turned his head away as though I were going to hit him. Although he was terrorized of me, he did not whimper or tell me what I wanted to hear. He uttered words that he didn't want to say. "Master... please don't do this. I don't want to go against you, but you're not being rational..." He turned to look me directly in the eye. "...please don't do this."

I saw the fear in his eyes that I had come to enjoy while I walked around Korrian as a sith master. It was the same fear that I had in my eyes when I was on Sleheyron. That was the fear I wanted to never see again from anyone... and here I was seeing it in the one who had braved the sith alongside me. Suddenly, I had noticed how easily it came to me to threaten him in order to get what I wanted... not to get caught. Although I was giving a good show, there was no one around... and I wasn't acting.

I let go of him and stepped back, hitting the opposite wall behind me. I was not expecting it and my reflexes drove me forward, almost hitting the opposite wall. Ross saw that I was off-balance and caught my left arm before I lost it completely. He was relieved that I released him, but at the same time still concerned for me.

I had been breathing intensely at what had just happened. Ross kept quiet, but I knew that he wanted an apology. "I'm sorry. I was letting my anger take control, but you didn't recoil. I didn't mean to threaten you."

He looked like he wanted to physically comfort me, but kept his distance. "Can I say something... without angering you?"

I leaned my head back against the wall opposite of him. I was trying to relax for whatever he was about to tell me. "Go ahead."

"I know what you said about not being discovered by the sith. I don't know what the consequences are, but you don't have to assume I need to be reminded. And I'm willing to put of with anything you need to do, but I didn't exactly appreciate being blamed just then. You and I both need to communicate to do this... I didn't do any more than you did that could pot us at risk."

"You're right. I'm sorry." When I heard some distant gunfire, I remembered that we had to complete our mission as soon as possible. We were secluded in that alley, but we might have been seen. I stepped past Ross and pulled him by the shoulder. "We have to keep moving. We need to get out of here."

He gently held me back by the same shoulder. "There's one other thing... I know not to underestimate the sith, but I told you that you're being overly cautious. I still believe it."

I stood up confidently. "If you knew the sith as I have, you would not say such a thing."

He looked at me grimly. "I can't say that I have, but you seem to expect danger everywhere. You can't look left... you can't look right. Fear is a powerful thing, but you can't let it influence your judgment. If you can't keep your mind focused because you're afraid of the outcome... then I will go without you."

I just stared at him in amazement. I just thought he trusted in me implicitly, but I came to understand that I had to earn his trust. He wouldn't have wanted to be my apprentice to just anyone. Ross wanted me and I felt great comfort to have his respect and admiration. I didn't want to lose it or to see him face the danger on his own. Going on alone was foolish, but it was the kind of foolishness that motivates those like me into action.

I turned back and I embraced the kid. Something about him really made me feel more alive than ever before. As Revan had won a place in my heart, so did Ross. This must have been why Revan and Alfred were willing to sacrifice so much for me. Whatever the feeling was, it felt greater than when I plunged that knife into Omeesh's throat. They were like everything that the Hutt was not... and I felt more like the belligerent protector I often fantasized myself as. This wasn't just my imagination anymore... I was becoming that person.

Ross waited for a few seconds before gently pushing me away. "You aren't acting like a sith. Didn't you imply to never let your guard down?" He said in a jocular tone.

I smiled. "Not until after we are far away from this place. We still have to keep up the appearance of a sith master and her student."

We both smiled for a long moment before we nodded and got back to the task at hand. I was confident that we were not noticed... the sith didn't have eyes everywhere. That still didn't mean we could just leap into a corridor or a confined space to break character whenever we wanted to. I was confident that we wouldn't have to go through it again.

Master Vash said the speeder bike we received was damaged, but brought back up to working condition. It had a transponder that we needed to get past the base's defenses. From the moment I got behind the controls, I assumed it was a bucket of bolts. I didn't think about it breaking down because we just needed it for a fairly short trip.

As we got on and started our departure, hundreds gathered to see us off. I didn't think I should have spoiled the moment for them by casting doubt upon the mechanics who repaired the bike. I should not have played hero for them when I should have asked to have the bike checked again.

I stood behind Ross as he tinkered with the speeder bike after it died about 100 kilometers away from the Republic station. He was clad in the same black sith robe as I, so he was unbearably hot. We didn't carry much survival gear, so we were forced to keep our robes on to avoid dehydration. We didn't have any survival gear with us at the time... even bottled water carried a Republic mark on them. I also wasn't concerned with wilderness survival at the time. I still wish we brought some water and just thrown away the bottles before entering the base.

I was more capable of enduring the heat, but Ross had to work in these conditions as well. He stayed in the shadow of the bike to avoid the direct rays of the star over the horizon. I also cast my shadow to give him more shade under which to work. Since I wasn't doing much else, I might as well have provided even that little sum of worth.

I stared at the locker on the bike that normally would have held survival gear, or even a toolbox. Instead, it was filled with everything we needed for the mission. There was no room for anything else.

In a large insulated case were 20 small demolition plasma charges. They were simple white blocks with a cylindrical device in the center. Designed for efficient packing and simplicity, each one could punch a hole through 25 cm of duracrete or 10 cm of armor. At the back were magnetic and adhesive strips.

Canderous briefed me on the workings of those explosives, so I got an idea as to what they were capable of. Only half of their weight represented the explosive. The other was taken up by the detonator; equipped with every kind of function that could be found on a mine or grenade. It had a proximity sensor, timer, remote detonator, impact fuse, and 'collective programing' as Ross described it. Since he knew how to work the mines better than I, he carried the remote control.

Another item I included was a compact blaster pistol. Although neither of us used blasters, I thought we should have at least one ranged weapon with an advanced sniper scope. Although not very powerful, it was accurate up to 100 meters. We might have needed it for a sniper attack or for a distraction. It had only 25 shots, but I didn't included another power pack... We likely shouldn't have included the pistol at all.

Communications had been jammed by the ionized particles in the planet's atmosphere, but we had comlinks along that allowed us to send and receive simple signals. It wasn't enough for us to talk with one another, but we could transmit pulses on a few different frequencies. Up to 8 responses could be set.

The last mission item was a data pad equipped with the advanced lock-breaking features we would need to interface with almost anything. With my computer skills, there would be little that I couldn't do with the pad.

We did have some room for a few tools, but we couldn't risk carrying anything with a Republic emblem. Everything except for the explosives and my data pad were captured from the sith. Our lightsabers were unique, so they didn't matter. I only wished we had some red focusing crystals to complete the ensemble.

After almost half an hour of working, Ross was getting frustrated and cursed in another language before turning around and laying with his back against the bike. Although frustrated, I knew that he had to keep working. A sat next to him and pulled his opposite shoulder into a comrade-like embrace. "So what did you just say?"

He was hunched over and didn't intend to relax. "It was a term that means tainted by the ones who made it. The lift fan is a Republic design and it wasn't meant to work with the sith engine."

"Can it be fixed at all, or is the damage irreversible?"

"There is permanent damage to the clutch between the two. Both seem fine, but if they can't work together..."

"What does the lift fan do? How does the clutch work?"

He got up and pointed to the front of the engine. "The engine's drive shaft runs to the front of the bike and provides the lift fan with its power. The problem is that the engine would cause the front of the bike to nose up or dive. The clutch bleeds off excess energy, but it doesn't allow any energy to the lift fan if it's damaged."

I saw exactly what he meant by it. "Is there anyway to transfer power directly to the fan? That would cause it to nose up while we are going faster, but we could sustain about 50 Km per hour to avoid that."

He pulled his head up at the idea. "That would not work for non-jedi, but we would have to levitate the bike while going at slow speeds. And there is a better solution to slowing down. We can't waste that much time anymore. So if I..." He leaned over to slide under the back of the bike and started fidgeting with some systems that I couldn't identify.

After he removed a completely separate part the one that was damaged, I asked what he was doing.

He was still on his back under the engine nacelle. "I'm compensating for the additional power devoted to the front of the lift fan. We'll have more thrust downward, but we'll be able to reach 200 Km per hour without any problem. We just have to worry about the bike at slow speeds." He then shifted himself to the front of the bike and fixed the lift fan to the drive shaft. He left the damaged clutch in place.

He rolled back to his feet and started up the engine. There was no hesitation, but it was louder than before. He brought the throttle down to speak to me. "Since I modified it, I should take over. We can't afford the time to test it, so we have to be underway."

I gestured him to get on and I sat behind him. "Are you sure of this?" I yelled over the engine which had been pushed to full throttle.

"It's fine! I'm sure we'll reach our destination, but I wouldn't take this out again! Don't worry... It's not likely to explode!" He put his helmet on.

I didn't like the sound of the engine, but I didn't say anymore. There was little choice but to go on. The sith base was less desirable in any event.

The bike took off with only his force power to hold it off the ground. He slowly let the lift fan take over as he reduced his force levitation. The ride was much more nerve-racking after that. I kept hoping that there wouldn't be another breakdown, or we would be out of time and likely have had our remains scattered across the surface. It sounded better than any other death we would endure, but it wasn't pleasant to think of how best to die.

I didn't want to suffer by the hand of the sith, but it didn't mean I wanted to ensure it never happened. Many sith would kill themselves than face the wrath of the others, but I wanted much more to get back to Alfred and Revan. I also didn't want to see anything happen to the kid... I hated the thought of him suffering that fate because of me. I just hated being liable for him as well.

When the sith base had come into view, we received clearance to enter the perimeter and return to swoop garage 3. Ross took over with using his force power to balance the bike and came in to the closest swoop hanger we could identify. It didn't have any numbers on the exterior, but we were allowed to go in without being stopped by security.

When we set down, Ross leaned his head back in relief. I realized that I never formally briefed him on how to behave while he was with me. I got off the bike and spoke quietly into his ear. "Now that we're in, you are to never say anything other than what you must. There will be no lessons, small talk, or anything outside the mission. We are not jedi... we are sith... follow my lead and don't act if you don't know what you're doing. That is an order."

He still had his helmet on when we nodded in acknowledgment.

After he got off the bike, a mechanic was looking at us. He was wearing the standard gold and black uniform of a sith soldier and carried a datapad that was likely the repair log or something that we weren't on. After examining us and checking the info on the pad, he confronted me. Through the voice box, he stated "I have no record of this bike being used. What were you..."

I snapped right at him with the boldest tone I could use. "I was doing an exercise with my apprentice." I faced Ross and gestured for him to follow me. "Come along... keep up!"

The sith stepped in front of me, but not in my path as to directly oppose a sith master. "I have no record of this bike being taken. I can't just let you go without clarifying things first. Who authorized..."

You stopped and stared incredulously at him. "I don't have time for this! There is nothing wrong with the records." I started walking past him with no regard to his duty. We clearly weren't on the record, so I had to make him disregard the issue by portraying myself as a sith with little patience and a bad temper.

"I assure you that no such bike was granted to this 'exercise'... which was authorized by me. I'll would rather let security decide who is right."

He started logging onto his pad and I knew I had to end the incident that was about to brew. I stepped up to him in a threatening manner. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"I'm saying there has been a mistake."

"If there was, it was your mistake."

He paused for a brief moment and stopped tapping the pad. "With all due respect, I would not have made..."

"There are three outcomes I see that security will come to. Either you are calling me a liar; by which case I'll execute you. If a mistake has been made, it was yours; and security will execute you for your incompetence. Or they are no mistakes, but which case you will stand aside and I will complement you for your good work." I put my face within centimeters of his helmet and he leaned away. "Are there any problems they should be aware of?"

His face was hidden by the gold mask, but I could see the fear brewing within him. He had a duty to perform, but he didn't want to go up against a sith master. I think I was both convincing and threatening enough to make him step back. "Uh... no. There are no mistakes Master..."

"Ban... Yuthura. Keep up the good work and carry on." I looked back to Ross and then started walking at a brisk pace. The average sith was not one for patience, so we had to move very quickly. Once I found a corner where we could get out of sight, I turned right and saw no others around. When Ross caught up to me, I had to discuss our plan.

He grinned at me for my wonderful acting back there. "You were great. I wouldn't have wanted to be that..."

"Save it. We'll compliment each other later, but for now... there will be no pleasantries here. If you do well, I'll praise you later. For now, we have to find the AD towers and plant the charges."

His smile vanished as if I just struck him down. He did understand that it was not personal. "I have set timers to have them go off at a specified time. We will be able to trigger them by remote or reset the timers if we need to. We've got three hours before the strike fighters are deployed."

I nodded and looked around. There was an AD tower in sight and I gestured for us to go for it. How we would get to the power generator was going to require some thought.

Being among the sith again was a very uncomfortable experience. I could blend in and not be seen, but I was concerned that Ross would be exposed and I wouldn't be able to help him. I still didn't like bringing him along. He may have solved the speeder bike issue when I wouldn't have, but he was now a liability to me. Even if that weren't an issue, I need him to infiltrate the towers and work the explosives. The consequences to both influence the mission outcome, so I knew I could not leave him behind if he were captured.

The base was a collection of hangers and barracks that were simply placed wherever needed. The base did not go by an overall design, but rather a small city of various buildings and hangers spread across about a kilometer. The encampment was fairly uniform in height with few structure more the four stories. There was one hanger that appeared large enough to house strike fighters, but there were no fighters inside. I was requested to confirm that there none when we had the chance, but it was not our priority.

There was bare ground where no duracrete or buildings rested, but no vegetation anywhere. If there were, the base would have resembled a city I visited on Dantooine. Almost everything was prefabricated, but many of the simple structures were made of materials were dug up from the land. The fuel tanks, hangers, and command centers were state of the art while the warehouses and barracks were unremarkable.

When we first saw the encampment, the first AD tower was among the other buildings while the other two were either outside or on the outskirts on the far side. Because they were the tallest objects, it was easy to locate our primary targets. The command center and war room were likely not going to be as easy to find. We would have to follow any data cables to their source, but they were buried and difficult to trace. The orbital image we got was very distorted by electronic interference, so we could only identify a few of the locations within the base.

The towers were about fifty meters tall and appeared to have a single weapon at the top level, but the emplacements were heavily fortified and could shoot down fighters with ease. Getting inside appeared more difficult than originally believed. When we reached the first one, there was one entry at the ground level and a security perimeter around the foundation that appeared dangerous to walk over.

As I stared at the field, Ross told me about it. "The power generator has a conduit running under the ground. It doesn't drain much energy unless a something passes over it. It works very much like a lightsaber... only gives off light energy until something comes in contact with the blade."

I smiled at the clever nature of the kid. "I assume you know how to get though?"

I looked at him with positive anticipation, but didn't see much confidence. "This tower has its own power generator and is independent of the base's power grid. The only way to shut down the security field surrounding the base is from the inside."

"I thought you've dealt with this kind of fortification before? How did you get inside?"

He nodded nervously. "The tower's security grid is tied to the shield network. That's another reason that they don't simply lock down the entrance. We could step through an energy shield because the security grid drops during a battle."

"So are you saying that we need to make them think an air strike is in progress?" I asked.

"Maybe, but I think there should be an easier way of going about this." He rested his head upon his knuckle to gesture that he was thinking seriously. I didn't like how obvious it was that he didn't know what to do. I had often given off the impression that I was thinking about a problem when I knew I wouldn't come up with a solution... just to make it look like I hadn't already given up. Ross wasn't expecting to come to a solution, but he wanted me to believe that he was.

I had to come up with the solution on my own. "They have to maintain these towers, so a repair crew could get through. We just have to dispatch someone and see how they pass through."

"And then use the technique for the other two... brilliant."

"I said save the compliments." I hissed. "You don't know who may be watching." I turned away to go for the most likely building where I could arrange for a repair crew to report for the tower. I had turned my back on Ross and expected him to follow, but instead... he offered resistance.

He followed and got right behind me to speak into my ear. "Yuthura... you're being paranoid. You expect to be..."

A surge of anger flooded my mind and I shot around to drive my order into him. "And you're not taking this seriously!" I shouted at the loudest volume I could whisper. I grabbed him and dragged him into a narrow alley between two barracks. "You can NOT underestimate the danger we are in. I'm trying to keep us out of sight and all you're doing is attracting attention!"

He looked as though I had just offended him in the worst way. "Me? All I did was complement you!"

I was getting even more frustrated that he didn't realize his own error. I grabbed his robe and pressed him against a wall. "You don't know anything about the sith! If you let your guard down, they will see your weakness and exploit it. Don't EVER assume something you don't understand. If I must beat that lesson into you... then I will!"

He was fearing that I meant what I said. Ross turned his head away as though I were going to hit him. Although he was terrorized of me, he did not whimper or tell me what I wanted to hear. He uttered words that he didn't want to say. "Master... please don't do this. I don't want to go against you, but you're not being rational..." He turned to look me directly in the eye. "...please don't do this."

I saw the fear in his eyes that I had come to enjoy while I walked around Korrian as a sith master. It was the same fear that I had in my eyes when I was on Sleheyron. That was the fear I wanted to never see again from anyone... and here I was seeing it in the one who had braved the sith alongside me. Suddenly, I had noticed how easily it came to me to threaten him in order to get what I wanted... not to get caught. Although I was giving a good show, there was no one around... and I wasn't acting.

I let go of him and stepped back, hitting the opposite wall behind me. I was not expecting it and my reflexes drove me forward, almost hitting the opposite wall. Ross saw that I was off-balance and caught my left arm before I lost it completely. He was relieved that I released him, but at the same time still concerned for me.

I had been breathing intensely at what had just happened. Ross kept quiet, but I knew that he wanted an apology. "I'm sorry. I was letting my anger take control, but you didn't recoil. I didn't mean to threaten you."

He looked like he wanted to physically comfort me, but kept his distance. "Can I say something... without angering you?"

I leaned my head back against the wall opposite of him. I was trying to relax for whatever he was about to tell me. "Go ahead."

"I know what you said about not being discovered by the sith. I don't know what the consequences are, but you don't have to assume I need to be reminded. And I'm willing to put of with anything you need to do, but I didn't exactly appreciate being blamed just then. You and I both need to communicate to do this... I didn't do any more than you did that could pot us at risk."

"You're right. I'm sorry." When I heard some distant gunfire, I remembered that we had to complete our mission as soon as possible. We were secluded in that alley, but we might have been seen. I stepped past Ross and pulled him by the shoulder. "We have to keep moving. We need to get out of here."

He gently held me back by the same shoulder. "There's one other thing... I know not to underestimate the sith, but I told you that you're being overly cautious. I still believe it."

I stood up confidently. "If you knew the sith as I have, you would not say such a thing."

He looked at me grimly. "I can't say that I have, but you seem to expect danger everywhere. You can't look left... you can't look right. Fear is a powerful thing, but you can't let it influence your judgment. If you can't keep your mind focused because you're afraid of the outcome... then I will go without you."

I just stared at him in amazement. I just thought he trusted in me implicitly, but I came to understand that I had to earn his trust. He wouldn't have wanted to be my apprentice to just anyone. Ross wanted me and I felt great comfort to have his respect and admiration. I didn't want to lose it or to see him face the danger on his own. Going on alone was foolish, but it was the kind of foolishness that motivates those like me into action.

I turned back and I embraced the kid. Something about him really made me feel more alive than ever before. As Revan had won a place in my heart, so did Ross. This must have been why Revan and Alfred were willing to sacrifice so much for me. Whatever the feeling was, it felt greater than when I plunged that knife into Omeesh's throat. They were like everything that the Hutt was not... and I felt more like the belligerent protector I often fantasized myself as. This wasn't just my imagination anymore... I was becoming that person.

Ross waited for a few seconds before gently pushing me away. "You aren't acting like a sith. Didn't you imply to never let your guard down?" He said in a jocular tone.

I smiled. "Not until after we are far away from this place. We still have to keep up the appearance of a sith master and her student."

We both smiled for a long moment before we nodded and got back to the task at hand. I was confident that we were not noticed... the sith didn't have eyes everywhere. That still didn't mean we could just leap into a corridor or a confined space to break character whenever we wanted to. I was confident that we wouldn't have to go through it again.


End file.
